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Original poster

Dp's ex

68 replies

Fuzzyduckduckyfuzz · 17/06/2022 20:06

Just want a little perspective on this.

Been with my dp for a year and a half and before that he was single for 3 years.

He has his ds 10 every weekend who I haven't met yet. He recently told his ds about me and his exp who was ok about it to begin with.

I have a ds myself who is 16 so I was happy to let him meet dp quicker and it's all good from that side of things.

However his ex then stipulated that he wasn't allowed his ds anywhere near me until she meets someone else. I have respected this and made no issue but now he is selling his house so we can move in together so she is saying he has to rent somewhere where they live to have him at weekends.

She has since found out how long we have been together and that we have been on holiday recently. So now she is refusing to allow dp to see his ds as he's a liar and can't trust him because he didn't inform her of me sooner. She has found this out by snooping on my fb.

As a single parent myself I know that it can be hard to accept your ex moving on but is this any of her business? He does anything for his child, being with me has had no impact on his parenting apart from when we were on holiday I've never spent a weekend with him as he has his ds.

OP posts:
EspeciallyDeIighted · 26/07/2022 07:27

So who now owns the house they used to share? Your DP and he wants to sell it but she's moved back into it is that right? To be honest I'd be stepping right back till he has sorted all this out.

GreyCarpet · 26/07/2022 08:29

OP, you don't need to explain the ins and outs of your/his housing situation here. MN isn't a jury although some of the questioning would have you believe you're in court and need to defend yourself! Some situations are different to the norm due to circumstances and it can be difficult to explain the nuances to people who have a fixed idea or what it should look like or who can't see it working in practice. As long as there are no omissions that would drastically change the advice you're given, it's fine.

Having said that, I agree it would he unwise to move in with someone without having a built a relationship with his child first. Not only because it would he difficult for him to go from not having met you to being in a house with you where you live with his dad, but also because, even if he continues to see his father at his grandparents house, it will become psychologically damaging for him knowing that he has been excluded from a huge part of his dad's life.

If you are genuinely happy abut the housing situation and there are no other concerns for you (despite him lacking a bit of a backbone), I would personally go along with the idea of meeting her first.

I met my boyfriend's ex wife (divorced 12 years and a other relationship in between) and seeing me as a real person seemed to make a difference to her. Until then, she had been convinced that they would get back together but seeing me as a real person seemed to stop that as she hasn't mentioned it to him since.

BungleandGeorge · 26/07/2022 13:55

It’s pretty relevant whether they share a house or not since In one post OP said the partner was selling his house. So is the mother going to be homeless? Is she buying the house? Is she banning him from being in his own house at the weekends? Does OP never visit the partner or is the son going to see her when she does? Possibly the son will need to move in with his dad. If they are living together clearly it’s a totally different dynamic than if they’re not

Original poster
Fuzzyduckduckyfuzz · 26/07/2022 14:04

He has bought her out of house and she now rents it from him and he stays either at his work flat or at mine when he can work from home through the week or up at his parents at weekends. He doesn't stay at the house at all

OP posts:
Hotenoughtoburnasausage · 26/07/2022 14:09

He needs to seek legal advice.

Original poster
Fuzzyduckduckyfuzz · 26/07/2022 14:12

@Hotenoughtoburnasausage I agree we've just been discussing this. The goal posts are going to be moved every time. We both have a holiday next week so wanted to go out for the day to meet him and spend some time together getting to know him. She won't have it at all and the post I did yesterday is her reaction to this.

In all honesty I think she has thought they would get back together and she can't accept that's not going to happen so is putting pressure on our relationship

OP posts:
Hotenoughtoburnasausage · 26/07/2022 14:34

She has no say in who /where /what happens regarding their ds in the df's care.

*Unless obviously you are legally an undesirable!
Imo a solicitor letter carefully reminding her of his rights may be worth the £100 or so.

Original poster
Fuzzyduckduckyfuzz · 26/07/2022 14:51

Well I'm a nursery teacher so certainly not an undesirable Wink

OP posts:
Original poster
Fuzzyduckduckyfuzz · 28/07/2022 21:45

Apparently her solicitor says she's being reasonable to ask to meet me before her son.

Really? What's the criteria? I'm not going to spend an afternoon with her to get to know me so she would be judging me on my looks. So I can't meet her ds cos I'm overweight or she would prefer a blonde?!

OP posts:
PrezelwithMarmite · 28/07/2022 22:07

Its control. Dhs ex wanted to meet me 1st. She was told to swing.
She stopped him seeing dsc.
He took her to court. They told her what he does when he has dsc is his choice as long as dsc is safe. So their words 'if you want your next door neighbours, cousin to babysit, as long as you know your dc is safe then you do as you wish. Just like the dm can do as she wishes providing the dc is safe'
Put it this way. Dh returned to court twice because of her games.
We now have dsc more than we originally requested by a substantial amount.

Original poster
Fuzzyduckduckyfuzz · 28/07/2022 22:11

Honestly I'm just sick of it she's manipulating her child for what gain?

OP posts:
Hotenoughtoburnasausage · 28/07/2022 22:13

You do know her solicitor will write whatever she requests them to don't you?

quietnightmare · 28/07/2022 22:19

Hotenoughtoburnasausage · 28/07/2022 22:13

You do know her solicitor will write whatever she requests them to don't you?

This

Hotenoughtoburnasausage · 28/07/2022 22:25

Op seriously I got a letter stating I needed to remove my newly fitted blinds as exh could no longer see into my house...
Obviously I didn't.
And no judge ordered me to either..

Original poster
Fuzzyduckduckyfuzz · 28/07/2022 22:28

@Hotenoughtoburnasausage I have no words 🤣🤣

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 28/07/2022 22:33

He knows her a lot better than you do so I wouldn’t have been taking her side against him when I hadn’t even met her. Single mums aren’t a homogenous group. He’s done what he thinks is best, the two of you aren’t a flash in the pan, your role is to back him up.

He needs clear healthy boundaries, that’s your concern. She can’t insist on meeting you. She can’t stop the DS meeting you. She can’t withhold contact indefinitely.

It all sounds very dramatic. Try not to get too caught up in, it’s not your problem to fix. All this talk of doing anything for people and who comes first is unnecessary. The two of you are dating, he didn’t want her to know but now she does and she’s throwing her toys out the pram. He just needs to be clear she’s not in charge of his relationship with his son or with you and get an official contact arrangement.

I wouldn’t move in with him till you’ve met his son and got to know him a bit. It won’t mean much to him that you’ve been dating his dad for 18 months, he’s only just heard of you.

Hotenoughtoburnasausage · 28/07/2022 22:34

A judge would tell her the df is entitled to decide if someone is suitable to meet their dc.

Ime.
In fact as very sexiest as it is my new bf was checked out but exh's new gf wasn't by Cafcass!!
Shocking imo!!

TooHotToTangoToo · 29/07/2022 07:41

My friend is going through the same thing, they ended up going to court and it was the best thing they could have ever done. The judge pulled the mother up on being unreasonable and set out strict contact which means he sees his dds more than before, and with less hassle. She still tries to make their lives hell, but now has less leverage to do so.

My friends dp is lovely and tries to do the right thing and keep the peace, she uses this against him and used to make their lives hell as a result. Sometimes just accepting she'll never be reasonable and always moves goalposts makes things less stressful and you can make decisions on solid ground not shifting sand

Original poster
Fuzzyduckduckyfuzz · 30/07/2022 22:02

She has now told him he will never see his dad again if he allows his ds to meet me

OP posts:
wellhelloitsme · 30/07/2022 22:08

So I assume your partner is actively looking for a solicitor in order to get a plan of action together to ensure he can maintain a good relationship with his son? A formal parental responsibilities plan including access and visitation agreement? And CMS payments?

He needs to get his shit together and pursue this legally rather than moaning about his ex. She's being an absolute dick but it's your partner's job to sort this out.

LilyMarshall · 30/07/2022 22:51

wellhelloitsme · 30/07/2022 22:08

So I assume your partner is actively looking for a solicitor in order to get a plan of action together to ensure he can maintain a good relationship with his son? A formal parental responsibilities plan including access and visitation agreement? And CMS payments?

He needs to get his shit together and pursue this legally rather than moaning about his ex. She's being an absolute dick but it's your partner's job to sort this out.

this. What is he doing about it?

Original poster
Fuzzyduckduckyfuzz · 30/07/2022 22:52

He is getting a solicitor on Monday

OP posts:
wellhelloitsme · 30/07/2022 22:57

Any reason he hasn't bothered to get visitation and presumably CMS sorted before now?

Original poster
Fuzzyduckduckyfuzz · 30/07/2022 22:58

He pays cms and everything else for his ds - even buys his weekly shopping. He also has him all weekend every weekend

OP posts:
wellhelloitsme · 30/07/2022 23:02

That's good CMS is sorted.

Hopefully he does follow through and get a formal visitation agreement sorted as soon as possible.

I always think it's a bit rubbish when the non resident parent hasn't done so proactively but what's done is done.

Seems a bit tough that he gets all the 'fun' time every weekend while his ex does the school week which has much more of a mental load.

I know it's summer holidays now but during term time that seems like a bit of a raw deal.

She may well be an arsehole, but it might be worth thinking about revisiting the arrangement because she's going to get resentful having to do all the day to day stuff while your partner gets the fun times.

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