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Original poster

WWYD? ASD and forced participation?

36 replies

GlitterBallz · 17/06/2022 16:44

MIL is turning 60; there’s going to be a huge surprise party with a disco and all family and friends invited. We are not close to any of the family due to distance but DH and I will of course be attending.

SIL has now asked for numbers to confirm to the caterers so DH explained we were attending but DD would not be. SIL is now very cross and thinks we are being “ridiculous” by not bringing DD even after we explained our reasoning.

DD is 9 years old and is autistic; she has significant sensory dysfunction and it is no exaggeration when I say she will have nothing to wear to the party. I would be happy to take her in pyjamas but she is obviously at an age where she is aware she is not going to be like her peers who will be dressed in lovely clothes and she doesn’t want to feel bad in her only outfit she can wear comfortably (pyjamas!).

DD also suffers severe social anxiety to the extent she is phobic of people she does not know comfortably; she does not know anyone comfortably at this party.

The stress and anxiety it will cause her in the days before the party and the inevitable meltdown that will ensue before we leave and after we return does not seem worth it to us. To take her to the party will simply be to appease family (family we rarely see) and according to SIL, we are being very selfish in not forcing DD to attend.

SIL thinks it is ‘no excuse’ because one of the other attendees is autistic and he is excited to come. DH and I do feel awkward about it but we feel it’s unavoidable. MIL will be disappointed but it’s out of our control.

WWYD? Would you force DD to attend the party or let her stay with my brother who will allow her to sit in her raggy pyjamas and let her watch favourite movies all day?

OP posts:

SeasonFinale · 17/06/2022 16:46

You know best. Ignore SIL. MIL can see her another time.

user1474315215 · 17/06/2022 16:47

How sad that your SIL would even consider 'forcing' her. Surely the whole point of a party is to enjoy it and none of you will enjoy it if your DD is unhappy.

BringBackCoffeeCreams · 17/06/2022 16:48

Hell would freeze over before I'd force one of my autistic kids to do something I know wasn't right for them just to appease some ignorant family member.

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LaLaLouella · 17/06/2022 16:51

Just leave her at home, the party will be no fun fur either of you if you are both tense and upset. She can see MIL some other time to celebrate her birthday.

For SIL, I find a polite 'no, that won't work for DD, we will be doing x"... works and if anyone complains it is repeated in increasingly icy tones until they stop asking....

DrHildegardeLanstrom · 17/06/2022 16:53

My autistic daughter only wears one set of clothes and would also hate a party full of randoms. Would MIL and SIL really want your dd to be uncomfortable and upset?

megletthesecond · 17/06/2022 16:55

Let her stay at home.

Sunglassesofdoom · 17/06/2022 16:56

My son is autistic and 9YO. Personally I would encourage to attend a one off milestone birthday for his grandmother. That being said, we are close to family and neither grandmother would be likely to hold this kind of party. It would be dinner at someone's house.

Razzlefrazzle · 17/06/2022 16:57

You know your daughter best, SIL needs to back off. My autistic son lives in his pj's too and would be traumatised by a party like this. Could you arrange a separate small celebration at your home for MIL afterwards?

Wavingnotdrown1ng · 17/06/2022 17:01

Absolutely no way - but luckily for me, my extended family understand that autism is a disability, every autistic person has different traits and triggers and they would never want to cause upset to the ND family members.

ancientgran · 17/06/2022 17:05

No point taking her to something she is going to hate. I do think it is a shame she has no clothes she could comfortably wear though. Maybe a dressmaker could make her something nice that would be comfortable, it might do wonders for her self confidence, not for this party but for her.

UggyPow · 17/06/2022 17:10

My ASD son wouldn’t be ble to attend a function like this either & no I wouldn’t make him.
People present differently whether they are neuro-diverse or neurotypicical, just because one person looks forward to something doesn’t mean the next person will.
Family shouldn’t be making comparisons

Sirzy · 17/06/2022 17:10

A very close family friend is getting married in a few weeks. All of DS safe childcare is also going so I have explained to the bride and groom that DS won’t cope so sadly we won’t be able to go. They fully agreed with us because they care!

Piffle11 · 17/06/2022 17:13

It really effs me off when some people presume that all ASD people are the same. 'Oh, X has ASD and he's fine, so what's the problem?' Sort of thing. And basically presuming that if they are forced to do it, then they will comply. DS has low functioning ASD, and some of DH's family never got it. We did try and take him to a few events: he spent the entire time trying to leave, clearly agitated. So we stopped bothering. I remember one particular event he was reasonably okay… A member of DH's family said, 'well you don't have an excuse now, do you? Look at him, he's fine.' As if he was going to be exactly the same every single time we tried to take him to a family gathering! Don't make her go. Not only will she not enjoy it, but then you will have to deal with any fallout. It's so easy for people to say, 'we want your DD/DS there': but they are not the ones having to deal with any issues either at the party or when you get home. We've had this: people insisting we bring DS, and then I was the one stood outside wandering around the car park or in the street whilst he has a meltdown, and they are indoors having a great old time. Don't put yourself through it.

Shitscared123 · 17/06/2022 17:29

Do not put your child in a situation that you know I’ll distress her. You’ll be advocating for her for a long time time to come, and this is one of those moments.

Dinoteeth · 17/06/2022 17:32

Op I think I'd try and see if you can find her something to wear a nice t-shirt and soft jogging material skirt or something.

Clothes don't have to be uncomfortable and scratchy.

Ask her if she wants to go.

indoorplantqueen · 17/06/2022 17:38

Let her stay at home. Your SIL obviously has no understanding of ASD.

UggyPow · 17/06/2022 17:38

It’s not just about nice clothes
it’s texture, feel, seems, waistbands, collars, cuffs, material, length, shape………..
being in the wrong thing at the wrong time
wrong place, wrong people - I could go on

SignOnTheWindow · 17/06/2022 17:41

Your SIL sounds ignorant at best, and a nasty piece of work at worst.

Jeez, and they say autistic people struggle with empathy! In my experience, it's the neurotypical people who do.

shockedNeighbour · 17/06/2022 17:49

The fact that another person is looking forward to it despite being autistic is the most ridiculous reasoning I’ve ever heard.

Ask your SIL if she’d like to do X activity (with X being something she would hate) then act faux surprised and exclaim, ‘I’m a British woman and I’d like to do that”.

She’s obviously lacks intelligence and empathy. The less time your daughter spends around her the better.

katmarie · 17/06/2022 17:53

If I was throwing a milestone birthday party I would want the people coming to be there to have a wonderful time and enjoy it all. I would hate to think of anyone coming under any kind of duress, or being in distress while being there. Surely no party host would want that for their guests? Your SIL is more interested in keeping up appearances than in guests being happy. And making children do anything just to keep up appearances is a waste of time, and in this case, downright cruel. If SIL can't accept a polite no on this I think I would probably say 'well we're not coming at all then if you can't let this go'. But I'm a stubborn woman these days, I wouldn't torment my child to appease anyone.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 17/06/2022 17:54

"We are her parents and will always put her best interests first. We don't need to discuss it any further than that."

SparkyBlue · 17/06/2022 17:58

Your SIL is being ridiculous and Id be fuming if I were you. I've a DS with autism and no way would he enjoy an event like that and I'd be very pissed off if someone was trying to insist he attend. I'd be having strong words with your sil. Surely she should have empathy for her niece

PeekabooAtTheZoo · 17/06/2022 18:01

Do we have the same SIL? From dealing with a similar one, just stand firm and do what's best for your DD.

Regularsizedrudy · 17/06/2022 18:28

Tell your SIL to stfu. What is manageable for one autistic person isn’t always for another. She sounds very ignorant.

DitzyBluebells · 17/06/2022 18:47

SIL has an attitude problem thinking the world revolves around her and that all people with the same medical condition are clones. I'd have a lower opinion of her now knowing she's fine with being cruel to a child just so she can get her own way. Appeasing someone who clearly doesn't give a damn about your child isn't the right course of action.

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