WWYD? ASD and forced participation?

[GlitterBallz]

MIL is turning 60; there’s going to be a huge surprise party with a disco and all family and friends invited. We are not close to any of the family due to distance but DH and I will of course be attending.

SIL has now asked for numbers to confirm to the caterers so DH explained we were attending but DD would not be. SIL is now very cross and thinks we are being “ridiculous” by not bringing DD even after we explained our reasoning.

DD is 9 years old and is autistic; she has significant sensory dysfunction and it is no exaggeration when I say she will have nothing to wear to the party. I would be happy to take her in pyjamas but she is obviously at an age where she is aware she is not going to be like her peers who will be dressed in lovely clothes and she doesn’t want to feel bad in her only outfit she can wear comfortably (pyjamas!).

DD also suffers severe social anxiety to the extent she is phobic of people she does not know comfortably; she does not know anyone comfortably at this party.

The stress and anxiety it will cause her in the days before the party and the inevitable meltdown that will ensue before we leave and after we return does not seem worth it to us. To take her to the party will simply be to appease family (family we rarely see) and according to SIL, we are being very selfish in not forcing DD to attend.

SIL thinks it is ‘no excuse’ because one of the other attendees is autistic and he is excited to come. DH and I do feel awkward about it but we feel it’s unavoidable. MIL will be disappointed but it’s out of our control.

WWYD? Would you force DD to attend the party or let her stay with my brother who will allow her to sit in her raggy pyjamas and let her watch favourite movies all day?

Did you miss the part where her DD has severe social anxiety?

Point out to your SIL that autism is a wide spectrum and that just because one autistic person is OK that really doesn't mean that every autistic person would be. Send her some links to NAS information about autism.But be very firm that you are not going to make your daughter utterly miserable by making her attend.

I wouldn't make my daughter go to a party simply because an in-law insisted. I would do what's best for my family.

I do agree with your SIL that your daughter being autistic isn't an excuse. By framing your daughters issues in this way you are adding to the mis-conceptions that exist around what it means to be autistic and in turn fuelling the stigma and prejudice the autistic community face.

Just because a groups of people's sensory, social and communication needs are in a minority it doesn't automatically mean they do not enjoy a party or family gathering. I would have loved to attend a family party at her age and although I'm now firmly a 'pipe and slippers' type I know many autistic individuals who love to party and enjoy large group gatherings.

It appears the issues were:
1.Your daughter's needs mean she dresses differently to her peers and she is lacking in the self-esteem and confidence needed to feel comfortable being different to the pack
2.She has severe social anxiety and due to her MH challenges her spike in anxiety levels will significantly impact her, as well as your wider family, for a number of days. You don't want her or yourselves to go through this

I’m late back to the thread and reading the replies. DH did firmly tell SIL our decision was final but we had a wobble after ending the call wondering if we were being silly; based on the replies here , we are doing the right thing.

We did ask DD if she wanted to attend but she declined as expected.

@HMG107 I’m not sure if I’ve understood your post correctly. I said in my OP that I had explained the reasoning to SIL. We did not tell SIL that DD wouldn’t be going because she’s autistic, we explained the specific issues but SIL didn’t appear to grasp it and suggested we find a quiet corner and pop her in a dress instead of not attending.

I’m unsure if you’ve misunderstood my post as only saying to SIL she is autistic and not attending; I agree that would not be helpful.

@GlitterBallz I purposely didn't write that the issue was the way you framed the problem to your SIL as that isn't what my response way about. The issue is that your daughter being autistic is irrelevant to the post as its about her MH and lack of self-esteem, as well as the SIL problem. By repeatedly mentioning autism this is what your thread has become about. An autistic individual with mental health issue, such as social anxiety, is not the same as a healthy, well-rounded autistic but this thread re-enforces the mis-conceptions that exits and exhasberates the stigma that exists.

I'd just say okay and then on the day DD would be mysteriously unwell with a stomach bug etc and couldn’t make it ever so sorry. They’ll get over it.

@HMG107 thank you for clarifying, I understand what you mean and it makes sense.

Just ignore your SIL. You know what is best for your daughter.

Why is this even a question? I would hope you would be mature enough to be able to put your child’s interests first and not this ridiculous family stuff. They sound very unkind.

I’ve had similar family pressure over my autistic child and some events, but bottom line is that he’s a person not a performing seal. I will encourage him slightly out of his comfort zone a bit sometimes, but I won’t force him into situations that are way beyond what he can deal with just for other people’s pleasure.

Sometimes we can make enough adjustments/preparations for him to feel able to come and enjoy it, sometimes not and if the choice is between a slightly disappointed NT adult and a horribly distressed autistic child then I’m afraid it’s no contest.

I’d ask child if they want to send a card or a video message or do something much smaller just with Grandparent another time.