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Original poster

Child contact over summer when usually EOW

53 replies

Nobheadex · 17/06/2022 16:08

Firstly I’m amazed my username was available!

secondly my ex is a nob head and I’m trying to sort out child contact over the summer hols. 3 kids, all tweens, one is off from July 1st, younger 2 are off from July 15th.

he usually has them every other weekend but often it’s only the Saturday night. I think he’s meant to have them for 52 nights a year.

How should I suggest we split summer hols? He lives a 2 hour round trip away, so we can’t be popping back and forth.

any suggestions?

OP posts:
Cocowatermelon · 17/06/2022 16:11

What would be ideal for you? Suggest that.

BattenburgDonkey · 17/06/2022 16:12

Are you wanting him to have them more? Or less?

BattenburgDonkey · 17/06/2022 16:12

Also do you work and need childcare? More info needed I think OP

Original poster
Nobheadex · 17/06/2022 16:13

I’d like him to have them more, for longer. However if I say black he says white. Unbelievably awkward and unpleasant.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nobheadex · 17/06/2022 16:14

No I don’t work. The kids all have SEN and one is on a reduced timetable too. Ex has a Very Important Job. He also does the minimum and thinks that’s a favour.

OP posts:
worraliberty · 17/06/2022 16:14

Nobheadex · 17/06/2022 16:13

I’d like him to have them more, for longer. However if I say black he says white. Unbelievably awkward and unpleasant.

All you can do is ask, unfortunately you can't force him.

Original poster
Nobheadex · 17/06/2022 16:17

I’d like him to take eldest for a while just by himself. And then younger two for 3 lots of 10 days, so essentially half the hols.

OP posts:
BattenburgDonkey · 17/06/2022 16:20

Would it be realistic for him to find suitable childcare for 3 lots of 10 days? Would your children be ok in that situation?

Steelesauce · 17/06/2022 16:20

If he's the kind to say no when you ask just because you ask, or want the opposite of what you want just to annoy you maybe try reverse psychology? 'I'm thinking of booking a holiday over x and x week so your contact may have to change'

Original poster
Nobheadex · 17/06/2022 16:21

BattenburgDonkey · 17/06/2022 16:20

Would it be realistic for him to find suitable childcare for 3 lots of 10 days? Would your children be ok in that situation?

I’d expect him to work from home or take leave.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nobheadex · 17/06/2022 16:22

Steelesauce · 17/06/2022 16:20

If he's the kind to say no when you ask just because you ask, or want the opposite of what you want just to annoy you maybe try reverse psychology? 'I'm thinking of booking a holiday over x and x week so your contact may have to change'

Mmmm I like it. How to do it though. And is it unreasonable to expect him to have them? He can’t wrap his head around the fact that I’m not his backup childcare, for example.

OP posts:
Bobbybobbins · 17/06/2022 16:23

I think it is reasonable for him to have the kids for some of the holidays and take leave but this will be very short notice presumably for most jobs for this summer. However definitely start the conversation!

worraliberty · 17/06/2022 16:25

I think it's reasonable to ask him (although you're leaving it late), but possibly unreasonable to expect him to WFH with 3 kids and that's with or without SEN.

Would he be able to book leave at this short notice?

Original poster
Nobheadex · 17/06/2022 16:27

Yes he’s the boss. And it’s not the sort of job that needs cover as it were.

OP posts:
Alisha2022 · 17/06/2022 16:28

@Nobheadex loving the username 😋... but so sorry you're going through this! I bet if you got a consent order drawn up by a solicitor, it would help? I had a very similar situation, with an uncooperative ex regarding dates with the kids, so my solicitor just dealt with it for me. If i recall correctly, it was a fixed fee? Not sure how much he charges now, but my solicitor was Rahem at Aylesbury Lawyers, really nice chap. Was affordable... Maybe get a consultation to see how he could help you? Xx

Original poster
Nobheadex · 17/06/2022 16:30

Thankyou - consent orders are a thorny issue right now as our final consent order has got snarled up in court delays and consequential amendments. So I don’t think that will help right now. I could suggest it though. He’d explode!

OP posts:
averythinline · 17/06/2022 16:32

Was not covered in ur divorce/mediation?
My divorced/seperated friends its eow plus half holidays...and the conversation is (if not specified in divorce agreement) as some are roughly which 3/5weeks are you covering (depending on if in state/private schools)
Same for all the holidays so whos covering which half terms ...and whats happening at Christmas

Its irrelevant if you work or not..
What he does with them equally irrelevant ...

If you haven't been to mediation then maybe arrange that..

Ask him which weeks hes having the dc...you neef a break too so he has to have all of them at some stage

BattenburgDonkey · 17/06/2022 16:32

I’d absolutely ask him, but I can’t imagine he’d say yes. It’s a lot of leave to take and it sounds like he’s useless anyway. Maybe the lure of paying less maintenance when they are with him will help? What do you usually do about childcare in other holidays like Christmas and easter?

Fireyflies · 17/06/2022 16:37

If he's likely to be difficult for the sake of it, and actually you can be pretty flexible as you're not working, why not start by asking him what he would like? It'll be much harder for him to say "actually I don't really want them any more at all," than it will be to come up with reasons not to have them for whatever specific times you suggest. And if it is genuinely difficult with his job he can suggest a time that works. Tell him you can be flexible but would like to know what he wants, so that you can make plans.

Original poster
Nobheadex · 17/06/2022 16:41

averythinline · 17/06/2022 16:32

Was not covered in ur divorce/mediation?
My divorced/seperated friends its eow plus half holidays...and the conversation is (if not specified in divorce agreement) as some are roughly which 3/5weeks are you covering (depending on if in state/private schools)
Same for all the holidays so whos covering which half terms ...and whats happening at Christmas

Its irrelevant if you work or not..
What he does with them equally irrelevant ...

If you haven't been to mediation then maybe arrange that..

Ask him which weeks hes having the dc...you neef a break too so he has to have all of them at some stage

Mediation was deemed inappropriate as he’s a nobhead. (And abusive.)

It wasn’t/isn’t addressed by the consent order, just that he will pay in line with CMS calculations.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nobheadex · 17/06/2022 16:43

Fireyflies · 17/06/2022 16:37

If he's likely to be difficult for the sake of it, and actually you can be pretty flexible as you're not working, why not start by asking him what he would like? It'll be much harder for him to say "actually I don't really want them any more at all," than it will be to come up with reasons not to have them for whatever specific times you suggest. And if it is genuinely difficult with his job he can suggest a time that works. Tell him you can be flexible but would like to know what he wants, so that you can make plans.

He won’t enter into a dialogue at the moment. I think I’m going to have to say “I’m having them for xyz, you can have them for abc” just so he can say “no” and then say what he’s doing. The nob.

OP posts:
Fuuuuuckit · 17/06/2022 16:52

Hmmm. That's a tricky one OP.

Firstly, there's no way anyone can successfully wfh whilst looking after dc, never mind 3 teens, especially all with SEN.

And then there's the thorny issue of 'forcing' him to have contact. I'm afraid that even the most watertight court order in the world can force him to have the kids, never mind for 3x 10 days. How long are your summer holidays?

My ex has never had the dc for any more than a 5 day period in the summer, and even that isn't every year. I'm afraid that you are completely at his mercy which it sounds like he knows, and is exploiting as to if he has the dc for any time at all, never mind additional to every other weekend, and certainly not at your suggestion.

If there is any possibility of you booking a holiday for you and the dc over summer that is a good opener - something like 'I'm checking when you're planning to have the dc over the hols before I confirm the booking' or similar. Worked for me (shaming the ex into showing him that I'm going to be showing the kids a good time).

On the plus side, and I know it's BRUTAL not getting a break, at least you're at home and not having to fork out for childcare.

In the long term, the kids will definitely come to realise what a cockwomble he is. I promise.

BattenburgDonkey · 17/06/2022 16:54

Guessing abusive to you and not your children?

Original poster
Nobheadex · 17/06/2022 16:55

Thanks - they’re starting to get wind of what a dick he is.

For the purposes of simplicity, I’ve asked him to consider sticking to the EOW pattern but doing Thursday to Monday instead of just the weekend. That way there’s not too much change for him to consider. That adds up to about 20 days ish.

OP posts:
PansyPetunia · 17/06/2022 16:56

Nobheadex · 17/06/2022 16:17

I’d like him to take eldest for a while just by himself. And then younger two for 3 lots of 10 days, so essentially half the hols.

Tell him he can have everything he wants except those detailed above in your post.

He absolutely CANNOT have those times. Off the cards. Completely

Then he will argue for those exact times.....you will then get what you want Smile