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Original poster

Child contact over summer when usually EOW

53 replies

Nobheadex · 17/06/2022 16:08

Firstly I’m amazed my username was available!

secondly my ex is a nob head and I’m trying to sort out child contact over the summer hols. 3 kids, all tweens, one is off from July 1st, younger 2 are off from July 15th.

he usually has them every other weekend but often it’s only the Saturday night. I think he’s meant to have them for 52 nights a year.

How should I suggest we split summer hols? He lives a 2 hour round trip away, so we can’t be popping back and forth.

any suggestions?

OP posts:
Original poster
Nobheadex · 17/06/2022 16:56

BattenburgDonkey · 17/06/2022 16:54

Guessing abusive to you and not your children?

Yes. Financially, and incredibly controlling. And that’s what underpins this. He prefers it if I can’t plan anything and if I do, will move heaven and earth to sabotage it.

OP posts:
Fireyflies · 17/06/2022 16:57

Nobheadex · 17/06/2022 16:55

Thanks - they’re starting to get wind of what a dick he is.

For the purposes of simplicity, I’ve asked him to consider sticking to the EOW pattern but doing Thursday to Monday instead of just the weekend. That way there’s not too much change for him to consider. That adds up to about 20 days ish.

That sounds a very sensible starting point. If he wants something different from that he can say so can't he?

BattenburgDonkey · 17/06/2022 16:57

Hopefully he’ll be willing to have them just to spite you then, can you start talking about all the days out you have planned with them and wait for him to demand his turn?

RoseMartha · 17/06/2022 17:10

I would suggest he has them at least one whole week with the weekends either side, which gives you nine days. As I doubt asking for 3 x 10 days will be forthcoming if he is like my exh.

And then the EOW's with perhaps a long weekend eg fri to mon.

My ex never has them overnight. 13 and 14 yr olds. One with SN and both with complex mh needs.

The family support worker asked him to have more contact to give me respite, including overnights and a few days in the summer holiday maybe 5 days and nights in a row.

Since then he has actually had them less and not for a whole day at the weekend for about a month. The 5 days/night thing was discussed but because the dc told him they didnt want to, that was the end of that. So I understand the struggle it is to get a bit of respite.

Original poster
Nobheadex · 17/06/2022 18:45

@RoseMartha that sounds exhausting. And your ex is a prick.

Mine has just descended into name calling and he won’t be seeing them any extra days as he is Very Busy and Very Important.

OP posts:
Minimalme · 17/06/2022 18:48

I have nothing useful to add except to say that your opening line was majestic op.

balalake · 17/06/2022 18:52

I noticed the capitalisation of the very busy and important. Which suggests otherwise.

The suggestion I'd be tempted is no contact at all, see you in court. Or contact his boss to check if he is really busy and could you let him have a week off work sometime in July or August.

RoseMartha · 17/06/2022 19:14

@Nobheadex
It is. He is.

I thought he would be off father's day to spend with them, but no.

Oh OP sending a 🤗🤗 hug.

Surely he gets annual leave and can take one week off for your dc?

I totally get the frustration of not letting you know until the last minute or where he changes his mind at the last minute. Drives me nuts.

And I also have no matter how many times you have asked he will not agree set times, but moans to his family and friends that you do not let him see the dc enough!! 😡 Then lets you know how displeased everyone is about you.

Fireyflies · 17/06/2022 19:48

No use at all threaten to withhold the contact her does have because you'd like him to have them more (as a pp has suggested) That'll just hurt yourself and the kids, put you in breach of the court order and very likely fail completely to get what you actually want which is him having them a bit more.

Would he be up for having one or two of them at a time maybe? You mention that they all have SN so that's quite a challenge to cope with (I'm sure you know that!) But might be nice for the kids to get a bit of special time with you. If he doesn't want them any more than normal though, you'd be best to lower your expectations of anything beyond that and just get on with life. You can't force him to have them more than he wants to sadly.

cardboardbox24 · 17/06/2022 20:01

Not suggesting you should do this but what would happen if they went to his for their normal days and very unfortunately while they were there you caught covid and they had to stay with him while you recovered?

HogDogKetchup · 17/06/2022 20:17

It’s pretty short notice to expect him to now. Yes he should, but you should have broached this much sooner knowing he’s a nob head. He might be the boss. But his staff will have all arranged their leave now too.

Fuuuuuckit · 17/06/2022 21:48

The turning point for my dc in realising just what their dad was like was when I told them that he gets 28 days holiday a year. Plus bank Holidays. Yet refused to have them any BH weekends and not at all during their school holidays.

Original poster
Nobheadex · 17/06/2022 23:11

Fireyflies · 17/06/2022 19:48

No use at all threaten to withhold the contact her does have because you'd like him to have them more (as a pp has suggested) That'll just hurt yourself and the kids, put you in breach of the court order and very likely fail completely to get what you actually want which is him having them a bit more.

Would he be up for having one or two of them at a time maybe? You mention that they all have SN so that's quite a challenge to cope with (I'm sure you know that!) But might be nice for the kids to get a bit of special time with you. If he doesn't want them any more than normal though, you'd be best to lower your expectations of anything beyond that and just get on with life. You can't force him to have them more than he wants to sadly.

We don’t have a court order.

He sees them on average for 2 maybe 3 nights a month. Why, the very fuck, shouldn’t he have all three together? I do. I fucking do. Why is he so special? I’m astonished you’d suggest it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nobheadex · 17/06/2022 23:11

cardboardbox24 · 17/06/2022 20:01

Not suggesting you should do this but what would happen if they went to his for their normal days and very unfortunately while they were there you caught covid and they had to stay with him while you recovered?

That might happen.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nobheadex · 17/06/2022 23:16

Fuuuuuckit · 17/06/2022 21:48

The turning point for my dc in realising just what their dad was like was when I told them that he gets 28 days holiday a year. Plus bank Holidays. Yet refused to have them any BH weekends and not at all during their school holidays.

It’s the utter piss take arrogance of it that sends me over the edge. I’ve shampooed poo out of the carpet tonight. My nerves are shot and I feel like running off. I won’t of course. Meanwhile he won’t do a single parents evening or therapy appointment or EHCP appointment or school trip. Nothing. It’s all on me.

ive lost my shit with him tonight. He thinks he’s such a brilliant parent and yet does fuck all because he’s always had me to pick up the slack. He cannot conceive of the fact that I am not his childcare and therefore telling me he has a lot on at work is not my problem.

And when he first left he tried that “all three at once is too hard.” Oh. Really. Is it? Well you’ll have all three 24/7 if I keel over because I’ve not had a break.

OP posts:
Fireyflies · 18/06/2022 08:17

He should have one or two at a time because it's good for the kids maybe? And having only one or two might actually be quite nice for you too?

You can't make him have them OP. However much he's a nob and however unfair it is. You're just wasting energy on it.

Original poster
Nobheadex · 18/06/2022 09:20

Fireyflies · 18/06/2022 08:17

He should have one or two at a time because it's good for the kids maybe? And having only one or two might actually be quite nice for you too?

You can't make him have them OP. However much he's a nob and however unfair it is. You're just wasting energy on it.

No, it isnt. I appreciate you’re trying to help but what you’re suggesting just perpetrates his position of control over me - that I literally never get a moment to myself. He would LOVE that, knowing he has ticked box marked “did Disney dad stuff” whilst knowing I still can’t switch off for a second. It sends the message that it’s ok to fail to step up. It’s ok to be shit. It’s all ok because the ex wife can pick up the slack even though she’s knackered.

id rather not bother. Having them all at the same time is 100% of my attention. Having just one of them still means that child gets 100% of my attention. I need a break and this doesn’t provide that, it just lets my utter dick of an ex get off the hook.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nobheadex · 18/06/2022 09:24

HogDogKetchup · 17/06/2022 20:17

It’s pretty short notice to expect him to now. Yes he should, but you should have broached this much sooner knowing he’s a nob head. He might be the boss. But his staff will have all arranged their leave now too.

I’ve brought it up repeatedly - every contact is fraught. If I say I’ll collect at 5, he says 3pm. If I say black, he says white. If he thinks I might be doing something other than mind the kids he will go out of his way to sabotage it.

His industry isn’t the type where they have to stagger leave and he’s the boss so he can take leave when he wants.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nobheadex · 18/06/2022 18:05

Update: I’ve emailed my solicitor to ask for the formalisation of contact as I’m sick of this being messed about. I realise that I can’t enforce it as such but I also need to TRY to get him to commit to dates and also so in the future I can show the kids that I did my best to keep them all in contact.

Hes such an arse.

OP posts:
ThisTastesSalty · 18/06/2022 18:44

We do 2 weeks here. 2 weeks with ex rest divided.
2hr round trip too
Same with dsc. But their dm can be awkward. Saying 2 days us, 2 days her. 3 days us 3 days her.. Its 1.40hr round trip and we have to do all the driving.

Soontobe60 · 18/06/2022 18:49

Nobheadex · 17/06/2022 16:21

I’d expect him to work from home or take leave.

Show quote history

Realistically though, he'd be more likely to farm them out to other childcare so near to the end of term. WFH isnt ok - especially if they have SEN. And I doubt he'd get leave now. In addition, if hes having them more, hes entitled t reduce any CM he pays to you.
you’ve left it a bit late!

1VY · 18/06/2022 18:56

Nobheadex · 17/06/2022 18:45

@RoseMartha that sounds exhausting. And your ex is a prick.

Mine has just descended into name calling and he won’t be seeing them any extra days as he is Very Busy and Very Important.

If he is having them for less than 52 nights a year you need to go back to CMS and get their chid maintenance recalulated.

I trust his Vey Important Job doesn’t pay cash in hand.

SandyWedges · 18/06/2022 19:00

Dh and his ex do one week on one week off unless holidays are booked.

Anyway echoing PP, make sure the maintenance is calculated fairly. Tbh I wouldn't push him to have his kids more than he's asking as he clearly doesn't give a shit about them.

ineedafairygodmother · 18/06/2022 19:28

My partner has his DD half of all holidays so in the summer, each parent has 2 weeks then the last 2 weeks are split 1 week each. Whether that will work for you and your EXH I'm not sure, it just means that each parent can take DSD away for 2 weeks abroad if they want

Original poster
Nobheadex · 19/06/2022 14:14

He did 55 nights last year. He is a man of precision. The additional 3 nights he did, he refers to them as his “extras” which is when I tested positive for covid when they were with him so he had to keep them.

OP posts: