How to manage busy work/family life

[Ricepops]

So I have a busy full time job as well as a 7 and 4 year old, and DH works full time too. My hours are reasonable (35h) and I finish in time for school pick up one day per week.

However I constantly feel rushed and harassed. I manage 5 people at work, have too many meetings and spend all day responding to emails or to people who drop by my desk, leaving very little time to do any actual work! At home, I feel we are getting busier with after school activitie

Sorry pressed send too soon!

At home there is an ever increasing list of extracurricular activities. So although DS goes to after school club 3 days per week, on two of those days I have to leave work at 4pm to rush back, get him dinner and get him to an activity at 6pm.

My thoughts so far are to cut down on extracurricular activities (even if just cutting one out), trying to regain control of my life at work (but how?), and also to potentially go part time. For that last point, I'm wondering about either 80% - so having a whole Friday off instead of finishing at 2.30pm, or 90% by doing a 9 day fortnight, or 90% to enable me to do 2 pick ups a week.

I'd appreciate any thoughts from people who've been in the same position.

You feel harassed because you are. It's too much. How many hours a week do you see your children, properly? Not getting to bed or ready for school or serving dinner, just to sit with them and connect and find out what's going on in their lives?

You need to outline what the household work incl activity split is like between you and your DH, it's difficult to comment othetwise.

What are you struggling to manage, home or work or both?

You can do it all but not at once. I don’t know a single person who sees their kids as much as they want at the same time as working as much as they want, at the same time as doing housework, working out, cooking from scratch etc. Something has to give!

I don’t manage it and I don’t even work!

How many after schools clubs are going on? Kids don’t need loads and I believe it’s not good for them. They need down time to chill and get bored.

It might be helpful if you listed out what each day looks like, eg
Mon - leave home at 8, pick up at 3, home, dinner then activity at 6. Etc, etc

DS has an activity at 6 one day a week. So it's easier for me to put him in after-School club, collect him at 5.30 with jacket potato and beans in a lunchbox, he eats in the car and we go straight to activity. Makes a big difference: I can work an extra 1.5 hours, dinner takes 5 mins in the microwave and only one pick up and straight to activity. Also means I work a bit less on another day.

Do you know anyone else you can share journey to after school activities? Then every other week that would give you maybe 2 hours to do house stuff/spend time with the child not doing the activity.

Do you / DH have scope to WFH at all? That helps me massively with doing bits of housework while waiting for reports to run, during meetings where I need to listen but don't need to contribute etc. Even just doing housework when you would have been commuting could make a difference?

Is your dh doing half the childcare and housework? My suspicion is that he isn't, and that is why you feel overloaded.

I do 85% to enable me to do 3 pick ups. I really wouldn’t recommend it - so wouldn’t recommend your 90% option. I’m a single parent and on e of my DC has SEN so can’t access after school care otherwise I wouldn’t take this option! It makes work even less manageable and no one seems to recognise Im not full time as I work every day and finish at 2.45.

I feel way more stressed than when I used to have a full Friday afternoon off. Maybe consider the Friday off or the 9 day fortnight and dropping at least one activity?

My days are:

Up at 7am, leave at 8am by work at 8.30am. DH takes kids to school/nursery. I leave work at 4.30 Monday and Tuesday, 4pm Wednesday and Thursday, 2.30pm on Friday. Friday's I work from home.

Then I pick up DD from nursery and DS from after school club, except on Mondays when grandparents pick them up. Wednesday and Thursday we're home for 4.45pm then get dinner etc ready, then DH finishes work and one of us takes DS to club at 5.45pm and the other picks him up at 7/7.30pm.

Saturday mornings DS has swimming lessons so I alternate taking him with DH.

Pinch points I feel are 1. too many emails/meetings etc at work and 2. The two nights where we have a quick turnaround for activities.

DH works fully from home and we have a cleaner once per week. I do laundry and he folds it and puts it away. He gets DC ready and takes to school in the mornings and I pick up. Bedtimes we both do and alternate between DC. I make probably 4/5 weekday meals and we share on the weekend. We share doing the dishes and sorting the kitchen. I do most of the DC admin.

I don't think it's really possible. Can you and/or DH go down to 80%?

We manage by having a childminder who feeds DSs after school (and takes them to clubs that are before 6pm). The combination means we get two good, calm hours every evening with DSs. (Extra bonus is that they eat better for the childminder too). But it does mean you need the right person…

I am in awe at some of the threads on here. Hats off to you for what you do each day. I am a SAHM and struggle juggling it all some days. Don't know how you all do it!

@Irrationallyanxious thanks this is really helpful feedback and one of the reasons I haven't opted for this so far. I keep circling round it, because if I decided to go 4 days per week I wouldn't actually be seeing the DC anymore than now. Also, WFH on Fridays is my only actual relaxed day at work (because fewer meetings and also no one can just drop by my desk).

@Fireyflies yes I could go to 80%. That was part of my question really - would this solve my problem?

Basically I stay sane wfh, that way I can keep on top of chores in lunch and breaks. As for extra curricular I don’t allow too many- there’s enough to fit in with homework etc.

I worked 80% when mine were that age and yes it made it a lot easier. I did two full days, two short days and 4 hours from home on the 5th day. Meant I could run them to clubs etc on 3 of the days of the week. Their dad managed one day a week so that only left 1 day of after school care. It's definitely a lot better than full time for work life balance as leaves at least a couple of hours a week child and work free (great for shopping, housework etc) And I didn't find being 80% held me back really in terms of my career, though image that can depend what you do

We have a rule that there are no additional activities on after school club days. After school club is the activity and I take advantage of the length of it to work later. That frees me up to pick up earlier and take to an activity another day but at 7 I f don't think kids need lots of clubs.

Re the emails I would schedule in a set period of the day to deal with them, maybe beginning and/ or end and try to ignore the rest of the time if your type of work allows this. I have turned off email notifications otherwise I spend half the time interrupting my work to deal with them.

Get rid of the extra circular activities. My DC do none. DS 9YO is autistic and school is a long enough day for him. We take the kids swimming most weekends, but don't bother with lessons so it means we can go at 4pm on a Sunday afternoon instead of the crack of dawn on a Sunday.

Personally, I moved from a stressful job to a less stressful job. It made a huge difference to how I feel. I WFH in my current job and actually work longer hours now! But I feel more relaxed and on top of things.

Someone once told me that if you have 3 things in your life - family, work, friends - you can only do 2 of them really well. It struck a chord with me. It sounds like your issue is being overwhelmed at work and not having the time to deal with things. I suspect this is because you are being nice and letting people chat to you (friend time) therefore making you stressed as not enough time to deal with email (work time).

When I worked 80% I had to be ruthless and not do much chatting at work. With an 80% week, people still generally expect nearly full time from you. If people are constantly stopping by your desk to chat, you need some strategies to move them on.

Unlike other posters, I think after school activities are fine for DC if they want to do them and pursue an interest. What is it about the turnaround time you find difficult as it seems your DH is around to help with getting your DS there and back. Is it lack of time to get dinner ready? The DC climbing all over you while you're trying to cook etc? Its OK to do easy food on these days - freezer food, pasta with ready made sauce etc. You can microwave sides of peas, sweetcorn etc to get the veg in.

What helps us is routine. Mine go to after school club 4 nights.
Some times they are there til 5 others closer to 4 (DH does pick up) but it means we aren’t rushing around for school finish.
One does an extra curricular thing but it’s early and they are back for normal ish dinner time.
Definitely drop one of the activities!

When ours were they age, I was working 85% hours and one of those days was at home although I don't exactly have a commute as such. Would a request for working hours reduction work?

@TeaThings I do do easy meals on those activity nights. What I find difficult is the kids both asking me to play with them or both trying to talk to me at the same time/talking over me while I'm also prepping their dinner. I'm also always leaving work in a rush, rushing to get them. Everything feels like a rush.

It's not chatting at work that is the issue, it's people stopping by to ask me work stuff eg. to quickly review their work or plans or to get my advice. It often turns into a task for me.