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Original poster

Friend dumped at 44🙈….

33 replies

Blinkingbatshit · 15/06/2022 23:44

oh, I sooooo need to get a grip! One of my closest friends of the last 20ish years has just essentially dumped me - & I need a short sharp ‘shit happens, move on’ lecture. We speak often but see each other (covid permitting) once or twice a year when we stay at each other’s houses for a night or so. Have also been on family holidays at least 8 times together. She’s announced it’s no longer convenient for them to all come to us/us to them so she’ll deign to see me in a certain city for a meal (2 hours ish) - she lives 1 hour from the location and I live 4 hours away - she wants me to travel 8 hours for a 2 hour catch up?! Maybe she’s decided she doesn’t like my kids (my 14 yr old likes sport, hers likes the pub🤷🏼‍♀️) but whatever, I’m really insulted. Thought we had much better foundations than this and I thought much better of her☹️

OP posts:

worraliberty · 15/06/2022 23:47

Was the sport/pub thing a joke?

What did she say when you pointed out how unfair the travel arrangements would be?

IJoinedJustForThisThread · 15/06/2022 23:47

Would you be willing to go for a meal somewhere halfway between the two of you? Could you suggest that? (Or maybe you have already suggested it and been turned down)

Original poster

Blinkingbatshit · 15/06/2022 23:54

Yes, somewhere half way would be brilliant - but it doesn’t suit her….which sadly says everything.
Also, sadly, the pub/sport thing isn’t a joke.

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

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Relationship problems

worraliberty · 15/06/2022 23:58

Blinkingbatshit · 15/06/2022 23:54

Yes, somewhere half way would be brilliant - but it doesn’t suit her….which sadly says everything.
Also, sadly, the pub/sport thing isn’t a joke.

OK but can you elaborate though?

I don't get why your sons having two different interests should affect your friendship?

Unless you're pointing your finger and being really judgey, then of course that would absolutely affect it.

Original poster

Blinkingbatshit · 16/06/2022 00:05

Because if she won’t meet closer the only other option is holiday time which would include the kids (who’ve got along fine till now). I’m not judgey - if she’s happy for her 14 yo to want to drink in the pub with their friends that’s not my problem (it’s the landlord’s really isn’t it!!). I’m guessing her kids don’t want mine (/me!) cramping their style! And the more I write, the more I see why I should just let this go and move on.

OP posts:

Flatandhappy · 16/06/2022 00:12

I wonder if something has happened between the kids that you are not aware of. Suggesting meeting without them is fine, her choice of location is not. Can you not try and have an open conversation with her? If not then sometimes you just have to accept that friendships run their course.

jazzybelle · 16/06/2022 00:16

Try and have a reasonable, adult chat with her about the difference in distances you'd each have to travel meet up. Why don't you meet up somewhere and both stay over for one night? You could change the place each time and discover somewhere new.

Dinosaur975326788900864322456778899900754543 · 16/06/2022 00:23

What about you both meeting half way and spending the night in a bnb together?

morescrummythanyummy · 16/06/2022 08:28

Maybe you're just not that compatible as families any more. It happens. It's hard work dragging reluctant teenagers to things. Solution is to meet up half way or go away for the weekend or whatever - this might be harder to plan than taking family with you, hence her lack of effort. You have a choice - let it slide totally (which might be where it is going), or try to do one trip and see whether you both "work" seeing each other on an infrequent basis just the two of you - if so, she may be keen to make the effort again.

ZarquonsSandals · 16/06/2022 08:33

Is it the families being in tow that have changed the dynamic? Have you met up, just the two of you in recent years?
If she won't travel halfway that seems very unfair. I wonder if things have always been like this and it is now becoming more apparent.

RiaG91 · 16/06/2022 08:38

Sorry to hear about your friendship deteriorating. Whatever the reasons, it can be upsetting when you realise that the friendship has changed, especially if actions make you feel a bit irrelevant.

Relationships change over time, and friendships do too. So what worked before, might just not be a priority or be convenient anymore.

I do think it's very unreasonable for her to suggest that you drive four hours and that she isn't prepared to meet halfway. It sounds as though there could be more to the story. Or, it could just be as simple as she doesn't feel the same in the friendship anymore.

If you don't think that a compromise can be met, then I'd suggest an honest conversation with her that would hopefully close this chapter on a friendly note instead.

QuebecBagnet · 16/06/2022 08:51

If her kids are old enough to be drinking in pubs surely she doesn’t need to be back for school run? So why can’t she be more than an hour away in term time. I’d tell her you have the same issue and can’t travel more than an hour 🤷🏻‍♀️

Newgirls · 16/06/2022 08:58

So you live 2 hours apart and have fairly grown up kids? You’ve done well to keep the friendship going this long to be honest. So don’t be offended I reckon. Maybe seeing each other at shared events etc will be enough unless you move closer totgether

ChairPose9to5 · 16/06/2022 09:07

I'd just leave it for a while. Send some vague message about meeting up when it works.

I've had situations where I was p45'd from a friendship. Luckily I said nothing, did nothing, didn't react (but that's how my mother raised me, never ever have a reaction to anybody hurting you) but actually because I said nothing and did nothing, on the rare occasions we bump in to each other now, we have a chat and it's easy.

With your 20 year history though, I'd just step back for a bit and wait it out. Maybe your sons being incompatible is an issue right now but it won't always be.

Holly60 · 16/06/2022 09:16

I'd just message 'ahh I'd love to see you. Destination x would take me 4 hours to get to though so a bit far. If you wanted to do destination y or z let me know! Or we could do a night in a spa or something? Let me know anyway. Take care x'.

Then the decision about your friendship is down to her and you'll know where you stand.

Summerfun54321 · 16/06/2022 09:19

What would she say if you suggested a mini break just for the two of you? Surely that’s the best option for friends who live far apart and have teenage children.

Blowthemandown · 16/06/2022 09:33

Holly60 · 16/06/2022 09:16

Then the decision about your friendship is down to her and you'll know where you stand.

Yep. Polite explanation, offer an overnight spa, theatre or afternoon tea thing and leave the ball in her court. Forget the kids; perhaps hers don’t like being dragged out and have beaten her down ‘oh Mum do we have to it’s soo boring’.

beastlyslumber · 16/06/2022 09:38

I don't think she's actually dumped you, has she?

I agree with pp - let her know you'd love to see her, but that's too far to travel. Make an alternative suggestion and leave the ball in her court.

You do sound quite judgey about her kid, tbh. Maybe she's picked up on that, or maybe it's just life, you know, living so far apart and having kids and families. It might be that if you don't make a big deal of it, it'll right itself over time.

EarringsandLipstick · 16/06/2022 09:43

You do sound quite judgey about her kid, tbh. Maybe she's picked up on that

I agree. You sound really judgey. I mean, I can't agree with a 14 yo being in a pub droning but I'd also be surprised if that happens every day of the week or that regularly? Is it really that easy for a 14yo to be served drink?

It sounds more like a shorthand for you expressing the differences in your DC, with your son being 'better' because he likes sport & hers being 'worse' because he doesn't / is underage drinking.

She hasn't dumped you but is suggesting a plan that won't really work. So tell her that & tell her what would work for you. And don't force the friendship between the DC

Trivester · 16/06/2022 09:44

This could just be a difficult season of life - teenage kids that don’t want to do family holidays, maybe peri menopause eating into her energy … When people do/say things that upset us, it’s worth remembering that it’s always more about them than about us.

There’s an ebb and flow in life long relationships. I’d send something like @Holly60 suggested and keep an open mind about what might be going on for her.

MrsRobinsonsHandprints · 16/06/2022 09:45

Because if she won’t meet closer the only other option is holiday time which would include the kids

Why? I'm also going with kids not getting on.

Baggyeye · 16/06/2022 09:57

I agree with everyone else that she hasn't dumped you. You need to come to terms with the fact that family friends when you have younger children is very different to family friends when you have teenage children (as they are aware that they are not actual friends by that stage!) It probably isn't convenient to accommodate families with fully grown adult children in the way you can squeeze young kids in. Their teenagers also will have their own plans at the weekend.

I agree that the suggestion seems unfair on travel to you. Is it a major city she is suggesting? Could you get a train to make it a faster trip? Or why doen't you suggest an alternative destination?
Yes, somewhere half way would be brilliant - but it doesn’t suit her….which sadly says everything
What did you actually suggest? Maybe it just doesn't suit her on that particular day as she has other stuff on?

I do think you are spitting your dummy out a little bit @Blinkingbatshit It sounds like you don't really like her DC anyway so maybe she's picked up on that?

wellyelliebee · 16/06/2022 09:57

This is how friendships go sometimes. She offers something a bit rubbish (because she's not really that interested in meeting up), you counter with "sorry, that's too far for me, would love to see you but it will have to be another time" and then either you do arrange another time and the friendship survives, or you both keep mumbling about arranging something and it never happens and then eventually the friendship dies... perfectly natural and has happened to me many times over the course of my life. Some I'm very sad about, others, not so much.

Pastaa · 16/06/2022 10:05

So she's not actually dumped you then 🙄
You've been friends for years, why can't you say: Could we meet half way instead?
You sound judgmental of her parenting and smug that yours is into sports by comparison. I agree I'd rather my 14 year old was into sports than pubs but I think the way you worded all this might show exactly why she wants some distance between you. This could be until the children are adults or it could be the slow fade. Speak to her!!

Rosehugger · 16/06/2022 10:21

I have old friends who live 4/5 hours away - we catch up once or twice a year but go and stay somewhere for a weekend.

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