15 yo DD and friends - feel so helpless

[Bookridden]

15 yo DD is really upset about a friendship breakdown. She has been friends for years with Girl A and Girl B and they went around as a threesome. B recently began ignoring DD and being offish with her. DD is shy and unassertive, and didn't feel able to speak up about it. Last week, Girl A also said to DD that she didn't want to be friends anymore. She has since apologised, but DD feels totally betrayed and left out. She spends breaks and lunchtimes alone. DD refuses to talk to a teacher, talk to Girls A and B, or ask other groups if she can join them. She won't allow me to do so either. I hate to witness what this is doing to DD, but I feel completely helpless. Any thoughts?

Boost for the evening crowd. Anyone?

Didn't want to read and run.
I think if the girl has apologised and wants to be friend's, grin and bear 🐻 it?

It's absolutely horrid.

Invite girl A to come over and watch a film/have supper/go for a walk?

Girl A is being influenced by Girl B, and because your DD is the quietest of the group she is being excluded. Invite A round for a special even with your DD, like trip to a theme park, film, something exciting.

Well, if she's going to be a doormat about the situation and refuse to take any steps to change it, she's just going to have to suck it up and cope with being lonely.

She's 15, not 5. You can't manage her friendships for her, and if she won't manage them herself she'll just have to get used to how things are. Moping and expecting a magic solution is just not going to fly. She's almost an adult, she needs to start taking responsibility for her own relationships and developing a bit of a spine.

I'm sure that sounds harsh, but it's a fact of life. If you don't stand up for yourself, no one will do it for you.

@MolliciousIntent what a thoroughly nasty response, was there any need ??

Oh your poor DD. This happened to me too when I was a teenager - my really close best friend just suddenly started hanging out with another girl and totally froze me out. I was so sad and didn't know who to hang out with, but after a few weeks I gradually got to know another group of three girls. 35 years later, I still consider one of those three girls my best friend. It's really tough going through that isolation initially, but something better may come of it. I'm not sure you can 'fix' it - just be available for hugs and support her with lifts to any activities that might help her make new friends. Karma's a wonderful thing too, a while later the best friend that froze me out then got abandoned by her new friend - and wanted to hang out with me and my new friends. My new friends had seen what sort of person she was and weren't interested.

But the fact is that if she’s not going on to do any of the obvious things to try and fix it then she’s going to be stuck with things as they are.
The Op can encourage the other friendship and encourage finding new friends but if the Dd is not prepared to actually do it then options are limited.
I do understand that it’s difficult and her Dd is clearly struggling but pp is right, no one can really fix this for her.

I'm sorry if it sounds harsh, but really, it's plain from OP's post that her DD isn't actually interested in doing anything to fix the issue. She won't stand up to girl B. She won't accept girl A's apology. She won't try to make new friends. She won't speak to the school. She won't let her mother speak to the school. So what does she expect to happen? She has to learn how to manage relationships and conflicts and sitting around doing nothing to change her situation while complaining about how miserable she is isn't going to help! At some point we have to stop coddling our children and introduce them to reality. She can be upset about the situation, but she also has to do something about it, or nothing will change.

And this is all very one sided also. How do we know what the others girls would have to say about it?

@MolliciousIntent Wow. Looks like you like to live down to your username.

I do agree with you Mollicious that DD should act, but she is a very quiet and shy girl who really lacks confidence when it comes to speaking up for herself. It's very, very hard to watch. I am hoping she can find more friends when she moves to sixth form. I agree that she's too old for me to interfere, but you don't stop worrying and caring.

What, because I think people should take responsibility for their own relationships? If she was 5 I'd be giving a very different answer, but she's borderline adult and she needs to realise that she is the only person who can make a difference to her situation. She doesn't need to be coddled and fussed, she needs to step into her power.

Smartiepants - I don't know what Girl B would say because DD is too scared to have that conversation. DD is so quiet and reserved that I'm wracking my brains to think of anything she could have done tbh. She is very anxious to please and avoid giving offence. Girl A apologised and talks to DD as if nothing has happened. DD feels so awkward and hurt about the situation, which has occurred out of the blue, that she is very wary of resuming the friendship.

I get what the PP is saying and it's absolutely true but at 15 it's hard to recognise that. Yes, if she doesn't stand up for herself or take some actions then things won't change but at her age she will likely be self conscious and probably feel a bit embarrassed about it.

Give her support and hugs and maybe try to explain that "if you keep doing the same thing you'll get the same results". It's so tough and girls can be cruel. Hopefully she can find a new crew and maybe this is a lesson in having a variety of friends rather than relying on one or two (not easy when you're shy).

I agree with @MolliciousIntent about DD having to take action. She needs to find new friends or repair the old friendships or ideally both.

OP, do you think you could help her strategise doing that? Owning the situation, not apportioning blame, but just trying to make it work for her?

No, because OP posts clearly worried about her DD and you call her DD (to quote you) a "doormat" tell OP her daughter needs to "suck it up" saying that she's "moping" and "expecting a magic solution" and that she needs to "develop a bit of a spine". Charming.

It's the truth though, isn't it? No amount of "oh poor thing" and "it's so tough" is going to change the fact that nothing will change until her daughter changes it herself.

Bookridden. I totally understand where you're coming from. It doesn't matter that she's 15 you can't help worrying and I know how heartbreaking it can be as you just want your dcs to have friends. Sorry I havent any advice. Just wanted to give you a bit of support. Hope she finds some friends soon.

My daughter is 17 so a bit older but she had a terrible fall out with her bestie and was heartbroken it was so horrendous to witness.
However she picked herself up eventually and now has a new bestie.
It's SOOO hard to see your dd go through this...ignore the nasty comments, I would have done anything to take my dds pain away, but your daughter WILL make new friends - all I can advise is lots of cuddles, reassurance and special days out with you - although you sound like a lovely mum so I'm sure you're doing that already xxx

Some schools have bought into a programme called “Girls on Board” which aims to get girls to sort out friendship issues themselves. It’s really good and whilst a teacher will supervise and set discussions up, it’s mainly the girls sorting out their issues themselves.

I would contact the school and ask if they have this programme. I think school should know about this upset as they will want your Dd happy going into her final year. (You don’t want DD having an isolated summer either).

Whilst I agree with a PP about the DD being more assertive and taking some control
back it seems she lacks the skills/confidence at the moment. At this point, I don’t think there’s any harm stepping in a bit now.

Pp are right your DD has to resolve this.

I would say to DD that Girl A made a mistake and has been adult enough to own it, apologise and resume the friendship. That is a really mature attitude. People make mistakes how they resolve them shows their real character. DD needs to consider how she would feel if she made a mistake, apologised but was rejected. DD needs to accept the apology and move on.

No one is obligated to remain friends indefinitely. Change is part of life. Most of us have friends that have come and gone throughout life. Few people remain friends with every person they have ever been friends with. As teens get older, their interests and views change and who they spend time with changes. Childhood friends often change during adolescence as it is a period of increasing independence and identity and figuring yourself out. You may no longer have as much in common with a childhood friend as you did when you were younger. Encourage your daughter to develop her own identity and interests and to find new friends who align with who she is now as a teen.

At 15 I 'broke up' with a small group of girls I considered my friends who were actually quite bitchy mean girls. It was their call but they did me a favour as their behaviour towards me was taking away my self esteem.

I hung out alone like your DD at breaks and then asked a nice studious girl I was friendly with in my art class if I could spend my next break with her & her friends... well soon I was part of her group of 5 and now I'm aged 45 and still keep in contact with 4 of them!!

So the mean girls did me a favour.

It's not all great as I became seriously unwell for a few months durjng my gcse year but those nice girls stuck by me.

I was very very shy (again like your DD) but unlike your daughter I was too embarrassed to confide in my mum about my friendship issues, and I would definitely have been mortified if she'd tried to get involved.

I think the best plan is to encourage your DD to look around at people in her various classes, get chatting if she can and try hanging out with them.
It's so scary when you're shy but you really have to push yourself to do things.
Otherwise you struggle with other scary things growing up too, like job interviews, making friends at work, college or uni, finding a boyfriend etc.

That sounds difficult for her. Try to encourage her to stay friends with friend A & just do things separately.

It's a difficult age as some are into boys, drinking, hanging out & some aren't.

I would let school know - not necessarily for them to fix the problem. But they may be able to make sure she sits next to nice people, put her in groups in lessons etc.

My DD is shy & quiet and was really lonely in year 7&8. She moved schools & has some friends now. I wouldn't suggest moving in Year 10 - but hopefully 6th form she can find her tribe.