Changing the language re SAHMs

[Nocaloriesinchocolate]

This is not TAAT but on another thread Ive just been reading the OP said she and DH had 3 young children and went on to say wtte of “I dont work; DH is the sole earner”. I hate, hate, hate that phrase since imo it completely denigrates and diminishes what a SAHM does. Of course a SAHM works - probably harder than a wage earning partner since she doesn’t clock off. What she means - and this is what I wish people would say instead - is that she is not in paid employment.

OK rant over

Well yeah, there’s so many variables involved that you can’t make direct comparisons, but I do think as a society it’s strange that it’s almost the default that a child goes to nursery.

Do I think that my dd was better off with her lovely nanny than she would have been with me? No, I don't. Do I think that she would have been better off with me? Equally, no. She benefitted immensely from the time she had with the nanny, and she had plenty of time with both parents as well.

More generally, do I think children are better off in childcare? No, I don't. Do I think they're better off with a SAHP? Not necessarily. If the SAHP actively wants to be at home with the kids and the family can afford to facilitate that, I think it's a perfectly good arrangement. If the SAHP is bored and/or unfulfilled at home, or if SAH pushes the family into poverty, then I think the child would be better off in childcare.

Personally, the "dark road" that I perceive is the one where everyone's circumstances and preferences are assumed to be the same. Children will be absolutely fine in good quality childcare, and if that option is best for the family as a whole, it will ultimately be the best thing for the child. As a child who grew up with a very unfulfilled SAHP who wished that she had maintained her career, I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

DC1 struggled more than DC2 and 3, and had more issues. All 3 of my kids are neurodivergent - and DS1 got his confidence knocked by mainstream nursery and school, and it caused a whole load of crap for him and us as a family - massive meltdowns, biting, smashing furniture, behaviour regressions - because he was unhappy at school. I wanted to defer his entry as an august baby but the nursery I sent him to talked me into sending him to school as he’s “bright”.

I home ed now . DS1 is back to being happy and confident after about 18 months of hell, DC2 and 3 never experienced that trauma despite both having adhd and autism like DS1, and are noticeably happier and more confident than he was at the same age. I wish I’d listened to my instincts back then, as I do now.

It’s quite interesting because there’s no anthropological basis by which to assume the model of one parent single-handedly raising their own child is particularly natural for humans or that there’s any noted superior benefit to children. Of what we know of the “lesser contacted” societies which remain in the world, what seems to be most common - and which is generally therefore assumed to have been most common in the past - is the older / inactive members of the society provide childcare for the children of the tribe whilst their own parents are carrying out the activity which allows the tribe to subsist - essentially, a large nursery!

@ForestFae

I'm sorry to hear that and I'm glad you've found an approach that works for you family.

I do think that pre-school is of benefit to most kids though.

Very different to a nursery - there aren’t classrooms, rigid curriculums and rules and regs and so on.

Being a SAHM doesn’t mean you single handedly raise your children either - for example, my family. My parents are retired. We all live rurally, they live about 4 miles from me. Almost every day, they see my kids and we raise them in an outdoor setting together. My husband works from home half the week, and so he’s often about as well. My kids are raised by our family, not just me.

Thank you. I think it can be beneficial but I have concerns about the whole Uk education system to be honest - for one I think we start formal schooling too soon and I think we put too much emphasis on classroom learning. But I say this as someone who has adhd myself and who has multiply neurodivergent kids, so that’s obviously coloured my views.

My kids are raised by our family, not just me.

So I’d imagine you feel that, if a parent is somewhere where they have very little family support, not much of friendship circle or social life, and find it a struggle to attend groups and activities - all of which seems to be the case with half of MN parents - it would probably be better for their children to be in a setting where they get more interaction with others?

I’d say it depends but tbh that’s another societal issue - that it’s the norm now for people to live miles and miles away from their family and support network. It’s not supposed to be that way. We haven’t evolved to live like that.

it’s the norm now for people to live miles and miles away from their family and support network. It’s not supposed to be that way.

My parents died before my kids were born and DH's parents simply don't have the energy or strength to do much solo childcare due to their health. Should we have just not had kids?

Goodness, I honestly didn’t expect such fierce reactions. I apologise if Ive touched a nerve. I never meant to. I’ll bow out now but do talk amongst yourselves!

Of course not. But ideally, a family setting is beneficial. Of course not everyone is going to be able to have that for a variety of reasons, but it doesn’t mean it’s not ideal.

imo it completely denigrates and diminishes what a SAHM does.

But to argue being a SAHM is on the same level denigrates and diminishes what the working (earning) parent does as well

My day as an employee - In charge of hundreds of people and tens of millions of pounds, decisions of a technical nature minute in minute out

My day as a STAHM - shall I go to the park or soft play?

I’m with this. Today I moved approximately $800 million of shareholder equity through three different jurisdictions. And this was a relatively slow day in a relatively small organisation! And sure, you might say that this is all “made up” sort of work and value - but the real human people relying on this money being available in reserve to pay for their medical malpractice, personal injury and critical illness insurance claims would be pretty stuffed if I missed out a crucial sentence in a written resolution, or bypassed part of an Article, and a third of that figure ended up being wiped out.

Whereas let’s face it, even on the worst day of your average SAHP, deciding to jack your plans for storytime at the library or going to local museum because you are exhausted and have a pyjama and sofa day instead isn’t really going to affect anybody or anything, is it?

My kids are raised by our family, not just me

Same here. I also work, so does DH. When they were younger they spent some of the week in childcare and are now in full time education.

Still raised by us.

At no point did I put them up for adoption.

There is a spectrum though isn’t there. At home with a 3yo and baby twins is going to be hard work- possibly harder than many jobs. Staying at home with neurotypical school-aged children is likely to be a piece of piss.

The most stressed I’ve ever been was during lockdown while trying to hold down a job and looking after a 3yo and 1yo. Those ages would have been pretty hard work as a sahm but I just about managed to do that as well as sort of doing my job so I do take some of the woe is me posts with a bit of cynicism if I’m honest. However, despite working, I think there is a massive value in being at home and it makes it easier to provide quality interactions with the children, facilitate clubs, support homework etc.

My life would be much easier right now if I didn’t work and my children would probably like it. My head says keep working but we do l rush around trying to cram stuff in so I won’t pretend it’s ideal.

Work is code for paid employment

Sahms don't work in paid employment

So in the context of dh being the sole earner, it makes sense

I’m a senior corporate lawyer and happily admit there were times when I found being at home harder than my working day. For me, doing a job I know I’m good at and having the space to actually focus on it feels easy in ways which sahming never did- I loved being at home sometimes but also found it frustrating and exhausting at times, especially doubting myself as a mum in ways I never do as a lawyer. So I’m not convinced that having a “big job” necessarily means your life is harder than someone stacking shelves or changing nappies all day- that’s my experience anyway.