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Original poster

Finances and a second marriage when I have dependents

31 replies

TheCatIsBack · 10/06/2022 20:33

Is there any way to keep myself financially secure if getting married again when I have DC and my partner doesn’t?

At the moment we all live together in a house that is in my sole name and I own outright (thanks to money from my family). DP owns houses that he rents out and gets a good income from.

He earns much more than me (100k to my 20k) and we pay approximately the same per month into a joint account (he pays slightly more) but otherwise our money is our own.

I am worried about trying to keep financially secure when we get married and being able to pass some of my money down to my children but know MN posters tend to advise against a second marriage when one party has kids.

Is there a fair way to sort out finances in this sort of situation? Am I a fool to get married in this position?!

OP posts:
Original poster
TheCatIsBack · 10/06/2022 21:15

Maybe I’m being unreasonable and rather against the spirit of marriage if I want some of my money to go to my children. However although their dad is a high earner (100k+) he is terrible with money so I feel it will likely be up to me to help them out in the future, just like my family helped me.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheCatIsBack · 11/06/2022 07:07

Bumping with the hope of some advice

OP posts:
GreatCrash · 11/06/2022 07:10

Firstly and most importantly - make a will.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

General money Marriage & partnerships
Blixem · 11/06/2022 07:16

Have you discussed this with your DP?

Original poster
TheCatIsBack · 11/06/2022 07:18

I do have a will. It currently leaves everything to the children (I wrote it during a time when we had briefly split up). His will currently doesn’t include me either, it leaves his money to his brother’s children. Which I am fine with. But if we got married does that invalidate the will in some way?

OP posts:
Nix32 · 11/06/2022 07:19

Absolutely make a will.

If he earns 5x as much as you, why are you putting approximately the same money into the bills? Surely it should be done proportionately, with the aim of you both having the same amount of disposable income left (obviously taking into consideration your financial responsibility for your kids).

Nix32 · 11/06/2022 07:19

Yes, marriage invalidates the will.

Original poster
TheCatIsBack · 11/06/2022 07:20

Blixem · 11/06/2022 07:16

Have you discussed this with your DP?

I don’t know how to bring it up. I know I need to but don’t know how to say that when we get married I don’t actually mean the “all I have I share with you” because I want to keep some back for the kids. How do I say that without sounding horrible? Or maybe I am horrible!

OP posts:
Original poster
TheCatIsBack · 11/06/2022 07:23

Nix32 · 11/06/2022 07:19

Absolutely make a will.

If he earns 5x as much as you, why are you putting approximately the same money into the bills? Surely it should be done proportionately, with the aim of you both having the same amount of disposable income left (obviously taking into consideration your financial responsibility for your kids).

The money into the joint account seemed the fairest thing to do at the time. I bring home about £1000 a month. He earns more than that in a week so even if he paid all the bills we would never be left with the same disposable income at the end of it.

OP posts:
comfortablyfrumpy · 11/06/2022 07:24

TheCatIsBack · 11/06/2022 07:18

I do have a will. It currently leaves everything to the children (I wrote it during a time when we had briefly split up). His will currently doesn’t include me either, it leaves his money to his brother’s children. Which I am fine with. But if we got married does that invalidate the will in some way?

Marriage revokes a Will.

I would be inclined to say don't get married. But get some legal advice if you do decide ti go ahead.

You can make a new Will with a clause stating your intention to marry x person - then that won't be revoked by marriage.

But in your shoes, I would stay single.

SunlightThroughTrees · 11/06/2022 07:29

Don't you want all of your money to go to your DC when you die (not just “some”)? Anyone marrying someone who has DC should always understand that the DC come first….many people don’t of course, and become very upset when their spouse prioritises their child’s needs. Why would it be deemed horrible of you to want to provide for your children when you die??!

I’ve no idea why you are paying equal amounts into a joint account when your partner earns five times what you do and doesn’t have DC to support on a fairly low income. This doesn’t strike me as someone who has your best interests at heart.

You shouldn't marry someone if you can’t bring yourself to have frank conversations about the really important issues in life.

squareframe · 11/06/2022 07:30

I'm not quite sure what you'll stand to gain out of getting married, and he stands to gain a lot. He's living in a house owned outright by you, and both putting the same into the pot for bills when he earns 5 x what you do? How is that fair?

SunlightThroughTrees · 11/06/2022 07:31

I wouldn’t get married again personally. The risk of my DC not inheriting when I die would be too much of a worry. It’s not exactly uncommon for second spouses to find ways to cut out the deceased’s DC sadly.

LaSavoie · 11/06/2022 07:34

Apart from the worries regarding your children’s inheritance, it would breed massive resentment to live with someone who has so much more disposable income. You will be struggling for money whilst he will be swanning about with loads.

Plus your kids should get all your money, not some. He clearly doesn’t need it.

Noisyprat · 11/06/2022 07:38

Another poster who doesn't understand why you are getting married? It'll just complicate things surely!

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 11/06/2022 07:39

i think you and he need to have a serious chat about financial fairness before you get married. You say you feel bad about not doing “all that I have I share with you” but what about his income, which is massively bigger than yours. Would you be comfortable if you were the one earning loads and your other half had hardly any personal spends?

FWIW when DH and I got married I was the higher earner and owned most of the house. All income goes into a common pot and we have the same personal spends, regardless of who earns what, and always have. Solicitor wrote a will to ensure if I die first my kids inherit a chunk of £; dh gets the rest.

But the fact you don’t feel comfortable discussing it tells me there might be a bigger problem to fix first.

arethereanyleftatall · 11/06/2022 07:43

I think you're running the risk of being taken for a fool here in an effort to be the nice guy.

Be very careful.

I can say this because I'm not emotionally involved here, so can see this looks very dodgy to me.

Who brought up the idea of marriage? (Cos there's nothing in it here for you)

Oblomov22 · 11/06/2022 07:43

Why are you not able to have basic conversations? Why are you putting in equal amounts when he earns so much more?

Original poster
TheCatIsBack · 11/06/2022 07:45

We got engaged when I was pregnant (planned, we had IVF). I miscarried.

I find conversations around money really difficult and always have.

OP posts:
cptartapp · 11/06/2022 08:00

DH earns five times what I do. So he puts five times more then me into the joint pot.
You're being had.

Madmog · 11/06/2022 08:04

If you're both in the relationship for the long term, I'd go to a solicitor together and work it out. Even if you've made a Will, he might be able to claim he's dependent on you in terms of living accommodation - this is more likely to happen if you're not so well off, but who knows what circumstances could be in the future.

Original poster
TheCatIsBack · 11/06/2022 09:17

He could claim dependence on me for living accommodation that could invalidate a will?

OP posts:
Houseplantmad · 11/06/2022 09:25

You need financial advice here from a professional. There's so much wrong here and he is already depriving you and your children of £ by not contributing fairly. As others have said, he's also benefiting from your property.
Did you really want to marry or did the pregnancy force it?
I'd think very carefully about your future as it doesn't seem he cares about you that much if he's prepared to use you financially as he already does.

ZenNudist · 11/06/2022 09:30

So you own one house and he owns several houses. He has no dependants. Surely you make a joint will guaranteeing your one house goes to the dc.

He lives effectively rent free in your house and shares all costs equally with you so it's a very sweet deal for him. I think you need an honest chat about your shared finances. In his position i would want to support you but not necessarily your dc. It sounds like he will be building up a big pension pot at your expense and you could do to address the inequality.

It seems like if he is so well off you stand to gain from this relationship too. But from his point of view stands to lose a lot in terms of his properties and pension also becoming half yours.

Problem is down the line you need to secure your house for your dc.

HuntingoftheSnark · 11/06/2022 10:35

I wouldn't get married in your position, especially not if you feel uncomfortable discussing financial matters. You run the risk of your children not inheriting - hopefully a small risk but still there. I would also seek to redress the current financial situation - you might not end up with the identical disposable income, but he should be making a greater contribution to the joint pot for day to day expenses.