In laws

[Robin92]

I am struggling a bit with the in laws at the moment. I have always had a good relationship with my in laws, however, after welcoming my first child with my husband I feel like I cannot bear to be around them.

Ever since we announced I was pregnant and after having our baby, they feel like they can turn up to our house whenever they please, on bad weeks it's nearly every day. My hubby had to have the awkward conversation with them to call before they arrive etc but it just hasn't sunk in.

They do not respect out boundaries nor they way we wish to raise our child and try to do things against our wishes for example our LO is seven months old and I have strictly said no sweet things as there is no need for it at the moment - my LO is not aware what chocolate is and they are adamint that they are going to give out LO chocolate when we are not looking...one of the many things that bug me

Today was the final straw, I was in the kitchen and I could hear whispering in the room next to me. I thought that's funny, are they talking about me in front of my child. I walk into the room and they are trying to encourage my child to take her first steps at 7 months old. My MIL is holding my LO hands out and my FIL is whispering 'come on, you can do it' livid was not even the word. I blurted out 'don't ever try and force them to take their first steps, how would you feel' they just turned around and laughed.

I don't know what else to do. My parents would never do that to me and have said don't worry when we are looking after your LO we won't encourage them and if they say their first word, walk, etc we will pretend we didn't hear/see it.

I really am sick of it and don't know what else to do. I dread them coming over my house and count down the hours until they leave. Has anyone else been in a similar situation offer some advice?

Even when I am feeding my LO they need attention from them that much, they would happily put them off of their dinner and shout their name constantly so they look at them and not me the person that is feeding the. My LO hardly ate a thing and was starving during feed before bed. Rant over...I could moan all night lolol

I’ve been through similar with my own parents and I don’t think you sound unhinged OP. I think when someone is irritating you over important things (like the feeding your child chocolate and undermining you, turning up at your house every day) then the little things (like encouraging a 7 month old to walk, which is ridiculously unlikely anyway) get on your nerves as well as it all builds up. You end up sounding unreasonable complaining about things because people fixate on the things that don’t matter, rather than the issues that are actually a problem.

It does help to separate the important from the unimportant. So they cannot visit whenever they like, certainly not every day and your DH has to be deal with this ASAP, if not then just tell them it’s not a good time and be on your way out somewhere when they show up unannounced. With the chocolate issue, I had similar with my mom wanting to feed the DC, I just said bluntly that she wouldn’t be left unsupervised with them if she couldn’t follow my wishes on that. No child that age needs chocolate.

Trying to encourage ‘milestones’ behind your back I would let go, children will do things whenever they’re ready, that something no one has any control over.

Also, if they weren’t showing up everyday and you saw less of them they would probably annoy you less.

They sound like my parents... bloody annoying. Luckily mine live 2 hours away so they can't pop round. Now I pick a few things that I won't compromise on and address those as they arise. The rest I let slide because I can't be bothered with the stress.

They sound really annoying and the fact your seeing them so often can't help. I'd be clear, they have to arrange to visit. If the turn up I'd say sorry we are on our way out can you come xyz?

We were in this situation. They took no notice of us till my son arrived and them they wouldn't leave us alone.

Put your coat on when they arrive and take the baby out in the pram or drive somewhere with the baby. They'll get the hint.

Can you move house? I'm not joking. Are you going back to work soon? Hopefully their interference will ease off when you're not at home most days. Also as little ones grow and make little friends, weekends are taken up with playdates and birthday parties, so between work and taxiing to parties etc, you won't have much time to see them.

My granddaughter took her first steps when I was sat with my son in law playing with her. My daughter was in the kitchen. We just looked at each other and didn't say a word. Couple of days later my daughter phoned excitedly to say DGD had taken her first steps! I wouldn't have stolen that moment from her for the world.

Jesus they sounds awful. Turning up every day and threatening to undermine Mum.

You need to put boundaries in place. They need to call ahead and ask if it’s convenient to come round. If they don’t get DH to not let them in or don’t answer the door.

@Robin92 you’re MIL isn’t on Mumsnet by any chance is she? 😂
seriously though, she’s not unhinged, unwanted guests are a pain at the best of times, but if they are essentially sabotaging feeding and playtime they are more like mischievous pixies than normal adult company. I think OP deserves a medal for not pushing them out the door with a broom handle. I think hubby might need to step up and push back

I'm sorry you're finding this so grating. My suggestion would be to take control of the set up. Give them their time with your DC, say an afternoon a week. Ask them to take the baby at theirs or cone to yours so you can go out, and really take that time for yourself. The rest of the time, they don't get to just show up and I'm sure you can manage it with days out, baby classes and socialising with other new mums and babies so that it's not an option.

When my DS was a baby I was becoming very annoyed about my MIL crowding my space. My DM gave me very good advice, to make her interest and presence into a positive thing, on my terms. I did similar to the above, it took the pressure off, and 11 years later they still have the DC after school once a week and have a lovely relationship with them.

This happened to me when I was on maternity leave with my son. My in laws would just show up!! Sometimes bringing their friends with them! Our back door at the time was a glass pane. They would enter through the back gate and if the door was locked would be watching me breastfeed on the sofa!! Tried locking the back gate but a hand would reach over and unlock it! I was going nuts!!!!!

So I left the house. I joined every baby/toddler group. Made plans with friends. Went out for walks just the two of us. And guess what? They started calling to ask if we're home and could they come over? Even if I was at home I would sometimes say no, we're out. It worked a treat! Honestly they never came over unannounced again.

Thinking there are issues quite deep rooted with your in laws OP?

I think you have done very well not to have totally lost it by now OP. I just could not have tolerated people turning up unexpectedly at any point, never mind with the frequency you describe. So consider yourself totally amazing for that achievement alone! You have to insist your in laws call and ask if it’s convenient before visiting; you say your husband has had the awkward conversation but it clearly hasn’t worked and he needs to have it again. You can’t live your life worrying that they’re going to knock at the door any minute. Similarly with other boundaries, they need to learn to respect these or they won’t be welcome at any time. If you and your husband are together on this they will soon get the message even if they’re huffy to start with. As far as developmental stages are concerned like first words, steps etc I agree with others and think you should let that go. Missing these may be unavoidable I’m afraid if you’re not going to be with them 24/7. I sensed when my grandchild was going to crawl and videoed them doing it so I could send it straight to the parents to make them feel that they had been there.

Haha! Yes it's making me very unhinged @Womeninblack thanks for your kind words 🤣

OP we had the same issue. MIL giving unwanted advice, coming between me and crying baby, along disparaging remarks about our parenting choices, showing up uninvited etc. It went so bad that she once told me I shouldn't be bonding so much with my baby as I wouldn't be the one raising him, the childminder would. Once I went back to work it actually got worse for a while as they would appear after my long commute interrupting my precious few hours with DC. Get your OH to push back on them, start being a blunt as you can make yourself be with them and try to create a set visiting time/s for them ❤️

Thanks so much for your comment. That's the way I feel I don't want to leave them unsupervised, it just makes me uncomfortable. I know they love my LO very much but I'm like stop please 😫🤣

That must be a dream 🙈 I feel I need to take that approach. Everything is just bugging me like every likes like a big deal...I may start charging them rent, might aswell 🙊

@Womeninblack if you are my MIL please take a hint 🙏

Exactly very naughty little pixies that bug my happiness 🤣 I was also told that my LO is very slender because I force her to move and exercise...I actually just sit with my LO and interact and encourage during playtime. Also sometimes I convince myself that I must be a ghost because they come in my house, do not say hi and talk to my child half of the time and ignore me...I would prefer that if it wasn't so rude

So true, I miss the days we were irrelevant without a child. Good thinking, I can try that too!

Thanks for your advice @IrishMama2015

I am so close to losing it! I feel like being a parent can be hard at times and also having that to contend with is just sucking the fun out of the few hours in a day that myself and the hubby get to spend as a family. I do feel OK missing the first milestones, it's just they are forcing our LO to try it. They had their arms stretched out dangling like a scarecrow. I felt like saying don't be so desperate to try get them walking when they are tiny and you are not the parents 🙈

That sounds awful!

I will need to look into groups soon! My LO loves being out the house and amounst people sounds like a win/win

Next time they just turn up, tell them you've had a bad night and are heading back to bed with little one, then suggest it might be better them checking before they come over in future as you've been looking into groups etc and no longer know when you'll be available.

Take back control. It's your baby, your time and your house. As long as you're fair and allow them some time to see their grandchild you don't have to allow them in whenever they decide.

I felt like saying don't be so desperate to try get them walking when they are tiny and you are not the parents

Just say it, what do you have to loose

Oh you’ve just sparked off the inlaw fire in me again 😂🙈 Exact same scenario! I have two sets as DH’s parents aren’t together, neither much better than the one. Neither visited much before but I actually hated being pregnant because I felt like I was now this thing to look at and comment on, just hated the feeling of it! My MIL started off with the baby names. We knew he was a boy and have always known a boy and girls name so said we had his name picked, always had done. She proceeded to mention random names people had called their baby, dog, cat, budgie, every time she visited just so she could say ‘I hate that name’ straight after it. Even if it was the name we picked, I couldn’t have cared less what her opinion on it was so don’t know why she felt the need to continually say it! Her niece had a baby and she said she hated that name when it was really nice so just thought it’s guaranteed she’ll say the same about ours behind closed doors.

Anyway, fast forward to the baby arriving, she started off not that bad. His dad and new wife however.. 🤦🏼‍♀️ They stay further away (an hour) so literally visited twice when I was pregnant. The baby arrived and I made it clear I wasn’t having visitors until I was comfortable enough after my section. They continually pestered my husband. At one point on day 2 he had her on speaker and said I wasn’t quite ready for a visit yet and she said ‘we’re not coming to see X we’re coming to see the baby’. I was already emotional, sore, bleeding, still fat and swollen so I was so annoyed by her comment. Nonetheless let them come to visit (see him!) on day 3 I think. My parents came for 20 minutes, my mum put washing on, brought me new pjs etc then left. His came, stayed for 3 hours, brought nothing, offered to do nothing and I literally sat in a trance by the end of it like please leave 😑 I was bleeding so heavily I was paranoid I was bleeding through onto the sofa, I just so desperately wanted them to go home. They passed the baby back and forwards every 10 minutes the whole time they were there . The same visit then happened again a few days later qnd I ended up in tears after they left. It was as if they had no regard for me whatsoever. They continued to visit too often and for way too long until he was about 2 or 3 months. Then a full 2 months past where they hadn’t seen him. They’re talking about going away for 6 months at a time now with no mention of the fact they wouldn’t see their grandchild all that time. The novelty has well and truly worn off!!

The MIL has ramped up her efforts though 🙄 She doesn’t work, never has. Doesn’t seem to understand the concept that I go a walk every day with the dog and baby regardless of the weather because I have to. She arranges to take the pram out then messages just before it saying she won’t be able to as the sun is not quite at the right angle in the sky for her or some nonsense! One day there was a tiny breeze so she cancelled. I’m working from home so had to completely change my plans and rely on my mum at short notice. After that I thought I’m just saying no it doesn’t suit in future. She now sits doing nothing for weeks at a time then looks for a day where there’s a heat wave to ask to take him out. She messaged the other week and said sorry it’s short notice, I just said no we have plans unfortunately. She took him out for a walk the other morning (the weather must have been optimum conditions that day). I said he was just due to be fed so would be hungry soon. She didn’t return after an hour, two hours.. I was starting to get worried after it had been three hours so I phoned her. She said she was just coming back 🤔 She then arrived and for the first time ever I actually stood up for myself and said I’d told her he would be hungry. She first of all tried to pretend she had no idea. I answered her back saying no, I told you. She then just kept saying ‘oh he’s fine’ no actually, il decide if he’s fine and being 2 hours late for a feed, having not ate since breakfast isn’t actually fine! It turned out she hadn’t been a walk at all and had been at her house with him, having not asked to take him to her house for 3 hours 🤔 I feel your pain!!!