In laws

[Robin92]

I am struggling a bit with the in laws at the moment. I have always had a good relationship with my in laws, however, after welcoming my first child with my husband I feel like I cannot bear to be around them.

Ever since we announced I was pregnant and after having our baby, they feel like they can turn up to our house whenever they please, on bad weeks it's nearly every day. My hubby had to have the awkward conversation with them to call before they arrive etc but it just hasn't sunk in.

They do not respect out boundaries nor they way we wish to raise our child and try to do things against our wishes for example our LO is seven months old and I have strictly said no sweet things as there is no need for it at the moment - my LO is not aware what chocolate is and they are adamint that they are going to give out LO chocolate when we are not looking...one of the many things that bug me

Today was the final straw, I was in the kitchen and I could hear whispering in the room next to me. I thought that's funny, are they talking about me in front of my child. I walk into the room and they are trying to encourage my child to take her first steps at 7 months old. My MIL is holding my LO hands out and my FIL is whispering 'come on, you can do it' livid was not even the word. I blurted out 'don't ever try and force them to take their first steps, how would you feel' they just turned around and laughed.

I don't know what else to do. My parents would never do that to me and have said don't worry when we are looking after your LO we won't encourage them and if they say their first word, walk, etc we will pretend we didn't hear/see it.

I really am sick of it and don't know what else to do. I dread them coming over my house and count down the hours until they leave. Has anyone else been in a similar situation offer some advice?

Even when I am feeding my LO they need attention from them that much, they would happily put them off of their dinner and shout their name constantly so they look at them and not me the person that is feeding the. My LO hardly ate a thing and was starving during feed before bed. Rant over...I could moan all night lolol

I think the moral of the story is just be as rude and blunt with these people as they are to you! They have no regard for our feelings so why tip toe around them? I’m a people pleaser and hate conflict but if you don’t set very clear boundaries that’s how these situations come about. I also hate that because we’re the woman in the situation, unless your partner says it, it always seems like we’re the one with the problem. I think you just have to put your foot down and continually pull them up on their behaviour or it will just get worse and worse

The answer is simple. Bar them from your house. I would not have them in my house and I'd make sure they'd know why. Put on your big girl pants and go NC with them until they can show some respect to you as a parent. It really is that simple!

Ah thank you, I never thought of that either! There has been many of times I have had a bad night and I have tried my best to put a brave face on and play host. I have yet to have a cup of coffee made for me by them, they always come on and tell us their order. Next time I may say kettles on help yourself.

@willwewontwe I relate so much to what you just said there! It really does spark a rage in me too. I was exactly the same with names. The names I picked weren't nice, too old fashioned or a 'fat' person's name...I was literally speechless on the last one 😂I would joke just saying that I'm getting treated like a surrogate. Totally agree! the worst thing is feeling helpess wanting to feed your child. Many of times my LO has been crying because they are hungry and they won't give them back after repeatedly asking...I just can't wrap my head around it. Why would you put your own selfish needs first and not think of the baby just because you need that extra cuddle then it ends up you are trying to settle a histerical baby/trying to feed them. Defo need to stand our ground!

That's great advice @Sarah13xx I really am a people pleaser too. I am starting to crack and I don't want to erupt. I do need to start vocalising more. I really worry it gets out of control. My hubby had a rough time as a child, I don't not agree with his upbringing - he still has some trauma. I need to make it clear that these are my values as a parent

Thanks @Alb0 I really would love more respect

sorry, I should’ve been clear the reason I said you sound unhinged. The whole comment about your parents saying that they wouldn’t even tell you that your baby said their first words or took their first step because basically you want those moments for yourself is a little crazy.
your in laws sounds annoying, but so do you a little.

@RobinReedx totally! Haha no way 🙈 surrogate is the best way to describe it!! Yes that’s what used to bug me so much when he was tiny. At first the hospital said to make sure it was just the two of us giving the bottle so I wanted to feed him yet they used to force their way in and grab things off me to do it when I just wanted to scream hand me the f*ing baby back!! If there’s a next time and we have another I am saying I’m having no visitors at all the first week and then short visits only as SOME PEOPLE very much overstayed their welcome last time and il even say that comment back to them without saying who said it! They totally spoil it for themselves and end up missing out

Thanks for making that clear @Womeninblack I really don't appreciate the word 'unhinged' it is very harsh - if you look up the definition it means mentally umbalanced or deranged. I dread to think if you are making comments to other mothers that are going through a hard time. A comment even like that could ruin someone's day. I think you need to take a long hard look at yourself. It really doesn't bother me, if you read through my posts you will see that it bothers me that they are trying to force our LO to do their firsts when myself and my husband are taking our time and letting her progress at her own speed. I merely highlighted the fact that my parents are considerate and would pretend they wouldn't see it so my husband can have a nice moment to ourselves. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion but be kind.

I’m sorry if it came across that way. I agree i didn’t use the right word. “Unhinged” is just a word that is thrown around a lot these days and I didnt think and just made that remark. I hope my comments didn’t make you feel too bad. I really didnt mean it that way.

I thought that's funny, are they talking about me in front of my child. I walk into the room and they are trying to encourage my child to take her first steps at 7 months old. My MIL is holding my LO hands out and my FIL is whispering 'come on, you can do it' livid was not even the word. I blurted out 'don't ever try and force them to take their first steps, how would you feel' they just turned around and laughed

Tbh I'd have laughed as well, that all sounds quite odd to think they were talking about you and then your dramatic reaction.

Every day is too much. Tell you DH to tell them to ring before coming. Get a RING doorbell and don't answer the door unless it's been arranged. If you see them less I doubt they'll annoy you so much.

Not at all, it didn't make me feel too bad. In future I would re read a comment before posting and think would I like this said to me? Thanks for apologising 😊

Yeah everything feels massive at the moment and thinking about it...it is funny but I find it extremely annoying and still rude.I was on a rant yesterday 🤣

Just to add my LO is 7 months and is pulling pulling herself/cruising on the furniture. What is with these pandemic babies 😂

It was the same 20 years ago, some babies start early, I knew babies who walked at 9 months. I was very grateful ds didn't!!

My brother was the same, he stood at 7 months and first steps at 9 months. It looks so strange they are tiny 🙈😂

My ils told me they would feed ds meat when he was being raised vegi. So they never had him. Needn't have worried. Sil had a ds a year later and we got dumped. They got to play dm's and df's 7 days a week to their heart's content..

Quite right! I can't wait for the SIL to have have their own - will take the pressure off

OP my darling ...one thing to remember and never make any apologies for...Your child..Your rules..You get a say and you demand to be heard. If they cannot or will not toe the line then they fuck off out of your home. You need to do this and I promise you lovely you will only have to do it once if you do it right, It will be worth the upset I promise you. You are what your little one needs right now and you have your little ones best interests at heart so please do not take this shit anymore.Its unfair,cruel and horribe for you to be subjected to this,You matter your life as a parent matters.sort it out you wil feel better when you do.

Don’t let them in. If your dp won’t man up and tell them to ask about coming round and they turn up daily (I’d have cracked weeks ago), I’d bloody well tell them.

Put a note on your front door, no visitors today, leave it on there for as many days as you like.

If MIL comes round, do go to the door but do not let her in, if you have a chain, put it on and open the door, say no visitors today and if you wish to visit then you ask when it is convenient to come round.

If your Dh won't stand up to them then you need to. This is your child, they will not decide what it will eat, you and her Dad decide, you are the parents. Tell them straight, you cannot trust them, they upset you so why would you allow them to come round? And yes, I did have a massive fall out with my FIL over massively undermining me, constantly and I said no more, we are done. And cut them off.

You are all right, I do feel like I need to cut them off for at least a couple of weeks. I feel like being in their company most of the time it's either being ignored or putting me down. There was one week when they saw ds twice and they were saying 'its grandad, granny, you won't remember me' and 'oh how you have changed when I don't see you' (they were will us a few days prior, its mind games all the time. It is deep rooted too - my OH was given the belt growing up for things like not doing well in school etc and it still effects him to this day. They worst part of it was l he was the only one out of his siblings that got it, both of my sils would fetch it to add to the humiliation and would be told to watch. My OH still resents my FIL. I just dread the day they babysit. I'm hoping as times has changed they have too

I don't think that they're doing anything wrong or abnormal. Though your reaction does seem extreme. They're simply encouraging in a normal fashion.

You compare to your parents and basically because they've said they'd lie and not tell you if your child did xyz, you feel that's preferable. Whereas you have no idea whether your inlaws would do the same.
You have the issue here. And it sounds like you need to put the brakes on this before it spirals.

@ChoiceMummy no it's no anything abnormal, of course they can encourage my LO it was that ontop of everything else if you read from my previous comments. It's the constant visits etc and anything that I do parenting wise they have always something to say. Comments like 'your daddys your favourite' when they were a month old is one of the many things they like to say. Fair enough if I see them a couple times and I can't laugh but seeing them nearly every other day it's wearing. I didn't want to discuss what food I was giving them when weining because I was told 'digestives and a bit of water' where I was nice and played along. They keep asking to give them sweet treats and I always have the same reply 'not just yet' the last time they were over I was going about my business when they entertained her in the other room they are shouting 'she loves this bit of chocolate, would you like another one' my husband was like they are just rise out if us because they don't agree. They are open that they want them to walk first with them, something that my mil actually hated about her mil. I just want a little bit of respect...that's all.

@ChoiceMummy Also just to add when it's fresh on my mind when they was screaming to get back for a feed, they nipped my FIl and he called her 'a little shit' 🤨🤣