Post-phoning our wedding for financial reasons

[Purplemonkey23]

My partner proposed last April and we booked our wedding for August 2023. We thought that we'd be able to afford it because we are good savers and don't want an extravagant wedding. However, for the past few months it has really put a strain on our finances and well being.

We're thinking about post-phoning it (for at least a couple of years) as we're really not sure we can afford it right now, especially with the cost of living rising.
We have been feeling really stressed because all of our spare money goes to saving for the wedding and we're not able to do any fun things together. We feel like all we do is work.

There's no way we can afford to get married next year without taking out a loan/using credit cards. Even if we did manage to get married it would have to be on a small budget which isn't necessary the wedding we want. We've gone through every possibility, even eloping but isn't what either of us wants.

I would like to use some of our spare money we have each month to go on holiday as we have only ever been on one proper holiday together (we have been together for 6 years). We have had a little bit of a tough start in our relationship in terms of finances. We met while I was at university and he was on an apprenticeship. We had a small income and were renting in a city. We only managed to get out of our overdraft a couple of years ago and we were finally in a place where we were comfortable, which is why we though it was a good time to get married. We've just bought our first home which is a project because it's all we could afford. So we're in the process of renovating which adds to the stress and financial issues.

Recently we have started to struggle to put savings away because of the steep rise in the cost of living and we're beginning to worry about the fact we have very little left at the end of the month. I'm just not sure it's worth all the stress when our savings could go towards enjoying life and making memories together.

On the other hand, we have told everyone about the wedding and people seem really excited. We want to be married and start a family soon. We also have older grandparents who we want to be there on our wedding day.

I just wanted some advice, do you think it is reasonable for us to post-phone the wedding? Do you think it is embarrassing to tell people that the wedding is postponed? Is it silly to want to go on holiday over getting married?

I have spoken to my parents about this possibility and they fully understand and are supportive although disappointed. Whereas, my partners parents have made some comments that we are only saying this because we want them to give us money. 😩

The idea of going through all of this stress, worry and sacrifice for a party is bonkers to me. I can't even begin to understand how it's worth it.
We eloped. There was no way I was going to burn through my hard earned savings on one day.
Likewise, my sister had a 'proper' wedding (with lots of guests, speeches, dancing and so on) but in a pretty village hall, with the whole wedding costing £3k.

I agree with everyone else. You can't afford the wedding you want. It's just one day. Scale it right back. How big is your immediate blended family 20/30 people max? Hire a hall, buffet food. No one looks back and thinks "I wish I'd had a bigger fancier wedding". Most people do think "I wish I hadn't spent that much on favours / flowers / dress / free bar / lots of guests that I never see anymore".

How much are youtalking? a couple of thousand tens of thousands?

you can still invite everyone and do it cheaply-its not everyone elses wedding its yours

do just a lte ceremony then an evening reception of a buffet thats what my sil did and there were about a hundred people there-didnt cost alot

Just to add dont wait i wish my grandad could have been at my wedding-whats more important people being with you or how big it is

Ah, I was reading the thread wondering how long it would be before someone felt the need to point that out. I was feeling very pleased that I had nearly got to the end and everyone else had managed to get the point of the thread without needing to call the spelling mistake out, and then...

Op, you guys sound really smart and I’d be ever so proud of you if you were mine.

My advice to you would be to tell family the weeding is postponed due to the house being a priority. After that I wouldn’t even mention it again and if your partners family brings it up just say we’ve made our decision and it will happen when the time is right.

How would you feel about organizing a quiet wedding and giving your closest family the details of it perhaps two weeks ahead. A nice quiet ceremony somewhere then back to your house for a nice champagne afternoon tea set up by friends whilst your away getting married?

Op I'd scale the whole wedding back. Small wedding, immediate family, and granny, forget Aunties, Uncles, cousins.

I know everyone thinks registry's office is cheapest but a church might be just as cheap esp if religion is important to you. With a church it's open to the public, if the Aunties really want to see you get married they can.

I know a few people who have kept the cost down by wedding, very close family for meal, extended family and friends at night.

Do you have friends who'd happily drive people to your venue?
Dress can be second hand
One bridesmaid
One best man.

That way you are only paying to kit out 4 people.

Old fashioned Hen Night and Stag do round your local town forget expensive trips abroad etc.

We just had parents, siblings, plus partners of siblings and a couple of friends and spent more on our honeymoon than the wedding. No aunts, uncles etc as we never saw them so why invite them? The wedding is a party around a legal contract. We were not prepared to spend a lot of money on it. We had great food and good photography. No extra people at night.

You can do it cheaply and if people love you they will understand why you are not inviting them to your wedding. Stop trying to please other people, this is about what you want so do it your way. Being able to afford a wedding after having children is even more difficult as you have dependants who cost a lot.

Doesn't matter where you draw the line they'll always be someone else who potentially warrants an invite.

Back in 1993 I went to a wedding of uni friends who'd inherited a houseload of contents, so really didn't want traditional wedding gifts. Instead they asked everyone to bring a dish for the buffet. It meant they could invite lots of people because they didn't have to spend money on food.

Book the register office - or a church if you're even vaguely aligned and can cope with the heteronormativity - and your local hall. Ask for contributions in lieu of gifts, and ask a couple of friends or your extended family to run the setting up and clearing away. Or offer cash to an acquaintance's responsible teenagers.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Thank you @toastedcat ....I realise that it may not have been annoying to others on the thread but it was very distracting and I thank you for pointing it out.

Yes @Purplemonkey23 - if you feel the need to postpone, then do. But only do it because you want to, not because of some other superficial reason.

I've been with dp for nearly 30 years and have never wanted a wedding tbh, but I get that it's important to other people. I certainly can't understand the misery that people go through and the debt they create to have a great big wedding day however. You and your dp are the ones the wedding is ultimately for, not your families. Their disappointment and judgement doesn't come into it. Try to keep the date, on account of grandparent's being there, but scale it back massively and you will enjoy it more knowing it didn't cause you to feel ill in the lead up to it.

It's not calling out a spelling mistake, it's letting the OP know that she's using a made up word to save her looking foolish if she says it in real life isn't it?

I know you think you don’t want it but if I were you, I’d just get married at the registry office with your parents and grandparents there. Also, siblings (if you have them) and a couple of close friends. There might be 20 ish people there at the most. Then go back to your home for a lovely BBQ, maybe invite more people if you want. Make it bring a bottle too to save cash. I reckon you could do it all for £2k, £3k if you push the boat out a bit. Then you can get on with holidays/a family/sorting the house. It’ll be so much better than spending £10-20k on 1 day.

Sounds perfect to me!!

I was a child in the 70's and have great memories of weddings, been to loads more since & can't remember much about any of them tbh.

We had a big wedding, the works, it was quite stressful and then we needed money for other things after. With hindsight a smaller wedding would have been better.

Bear in mind at most weddings you get about £50-100 gift per guest couple if they are attending for the day. So if you get a loan it might be able to be paid off quicker than you think.

Bit bizarre if parents aren’t contributing but then I’m old fashioned about these things.

It needn’t cost the Earth, put it off if you want (and you have the ability to do so, not tied to a date at venue), put also ask yourself if you’d be willing to risk not having a family by postponing/other family members not being there in 5 yrs time.

note: before anyone jumps on - op has stated they want to be married before having children. Very common for parents to contribute to weddings, especially if a young couple and parents are dictating part of the guest list.

If you want lots of people to attend you could model the afterparty more on what would be usual for a birthday party e.g. buffet in a pub or village hall with buy your own booze in the pub or bring your own booze in the village hall. It's what weddings used to be - retro. DJ for the evening. Mention "wedding" and everything escalates so think more "party". Get married late in the day e.g. 4pm so by the time you have had the ceremony/ photos and speeches it would be 6 or 7 for the buffet then party.

A simple buffet and party was the wedding a lot of our parents/grandparents had. Weddings haven't always required a year's earnings.

It's fine to delay if that's what you want but it doesn't sound like you see your finances improving any time soon.

No need for invites (design and print or your or a friends computer)
No need for photographer - ask a friend with a good camera to do formal pictures and ask everyone to send you their pics. My brother took mine and they are great - including some he set the timer and ran in.
No need for a posh car. Parked near my registry office in my Picanto! If you don't want to go that far think of who has the nicest car you know and would do you the favour of driving you.
No need for a florist - I ordered loads of roses online for £150 I think. They came from Guernsey were beautiful and I wrapped some with ribbon to carry/ put individual ones in foil for button holes and filled vases at the after venue.
No need to spend ££££ on a dress. I loved mine it was £250 wedding dress from Phase Eight. Groom can hire a suit. We didn't have matching suits just do matching ties/button holes. If you have little Bridesmaids/ page boys their outfits can be very cheap but very lovely.
Personalise your wedding - if you have a friend that plays piano/guitar ask them to do you a song in the service.
If any friends have a talent ask them if they would use it for your wedding present e.g. bake the cake if you buy the ingredients and a cake topper or do your hair or nails again as your present (otherwise do them yourself!).

Don't get carried away with any one item - think do I want to work a month for the dress or 2 days etc.

Your wedding can be great on a budget!

Personally I wouldn't worry if you did have to put a couple of grand on a credit card if you have the income to pay it off in the next year or two - wedding done and dusted.

Small ceremony at city hall and then an evening potluck in your's/someone else's yard? Should keep it fairly simpl and low-cost while still having room for all you want to invite.

Whyb on earth are you even thinking of squandering money you can't afford, on an event that lasts barely an hour?

You need that money for everything else ; a home, work training, a baby.

Get your priorities right, then head down to the registry office.

We had similar to you big families, hard to know where to draw the line. To resolve this we picked a venue that could only hold a certain amount of people. This really helps you draw the line, We had everything booked and organized before told both families the date so we couldn't back out under pressure. Certain family was invited - not many cousins, parents could invite one table of friends. Parent couldn't get head around at 1st wanted so and so to be invited but explained to them ok that's fine but who do you take off your table then they soon got the hint. Also no children are allowed at the venue - Before Mumsnet jumps down my throat - this helped as there are loads of children on both sides of family . We weren't offended if people couldn't come. We also picked a venue that organized everything for weeding, ceremony on site, flowers for tables, food, table plan etc. All this helped a clear price for us and left us little to do that end. Also we could both get ready at venue therefore eliminating a car. Set up a spreadsheet, get prices for things, list them out and see what is important to you. People have given good tips here. Another wedding we went to alos they got married at a registry office just family, went to nice place for dinner after then a huge party in a marquee at house for everyone else. Weddings can be as cheap or as expensive as you make it, you can organize it one day sitting down at a computer with a phone at 9am and have it all sorted by 5pm that day. There is no one that needs an opinion on what you are doing only who you are marrying. Its your day no one else, do what you want on what you can afford and don't stress about it

Why is it so important to people these days to splash the cash on big weddings? I honestly cant think of a bigger waste of money in lifes long journey.

Marriage is about love, commitment and hopefully a long and happy future together. It is not about 24hrs of showing off how much money you can spend on stuff that have pretty much NOTHING to do with your normal lifestyle.

Get married in a registry office. Declare your love in front of a few people who matter most and then have a party that suits your limited budget.

Then get on with living your life making fantastic memories along the way.