Post-phoning our wedding for financial reasons

[Purplemonkey23]

My partner proposed last April and we booked our wedding for August 2023. We thought that we'd be able to afford it because we are good savers and don't want an extravagant wedding. However, for the past few months it has really put a strain on our finances and well being.

We're thinking about post-phoning it (for at least a couple of years) as we're really not sure we can afford it right now, especially with the cost of living rising.
We have been feeling really stressed because all of our spare money goes to saving for the wedding and we're not able to do any fun things together. We feel like all we do is work.

There's no way we can afford to get married next year without taking out a loan/using credit cards. Even if we did manage to get married it would have to be on a small budget which isn't necessary the wedding we want. We've gone through every possibility, even eloping but isn't what either of us wants.

I would like to use some of our spare money we have each month to go on holiday as we have only ever been on one proper holiday together (we have been together for 6 years). We have had a little bit of a tough start in our relationship in terms of finances. We met while I was at university and he was on an apprenticeship. We had a small income and were renting in a city. We only managed to get out of our overdraft a couple of years ago and we were finally in a place where we were comfortable, which is why we though it was a good time to get married. We've just bought our first home which is a project because it's all we could afford. So we're in the process of renovating which adds to the stress and financial issues.

Recently we have started to struggle to put savings away because of the steep rise in the cost of living and we're beginning to worry about the fact we have very little left at the end of the month. I'm just not sure it's worth all the stress when our savings could go towards enjoying life and making memories together.

On the other hand, we have told everyone about the wedding and people seem really excited. We want to be married and start a family soon. We also have older grandparents who we want to be there on our wedding day.

I just wanted some advice, do you think it is reasonable for us to post-phone the wedding? Do you think it is embarrassing to tell people that the wedding is postponed? Is it silly to want to go on holiday over getting married?

I have spoken to my parents about this possibility and they fully understand and are supportive although disappointed. Whereas, my partners parents have made some comments that we are only saying this because we want them to give us money. 😩

Madness

You have to say no a lot in life
great place to start. Or tell them to pay for it.

nice register office. Not your job to provide a show.

One of the best weddings I went to was in the registry office, straight into the very nice pub over the road for lunch. There were 6 guests and it was fab. No waiting around for photos, got to choose what we wanted to eat. Actually got to talk properly with B&G, no hanging around waiting for room changes.

I think B&G bought a couple of bottles of champagne and we all paid our own way after that and were more than happy to

Get married at the end of the day, hire a hall and go straight into your evening party. Everyone brings a dish and a bottle, or you provide the buffet and soft drinks and it becomes at BYOB party. There are ways of having an affordable wedding that everyone can attend.

I understand you have large blended families but the trick to reducing guest numbers for a small wedding is going by circles.

Circle 1 - bio parents and grandparents
Circle 2 - partners of circle 1
3 - blood siblings
4 - step siblings
5 - partners of 3 and 4
6 - children of the above
7 - aunts / uncles

And so on - if you invite in circles you don't offend people as it's clearer that nothing is personal.

You could also have a tiny ceremony and reception and then do an anniversary party later.

Tbh though, I wouldn't postpone, I don't think you'd achieve what you really want.

One of the best wedding I ever went to had a BBQ in the gardens of a cafe. Nothing fancy at all.

How many guests are you looking at ?

Even with large families - a registry office / church doesn't cost the earth, then you could just put on some food in a local bar / pub, a glass of fizz each to toast and everyone can buy their own drinks?

I had to postpone multiple times due to covid, my grandparents both died in the 6 months before my actual wedding date that we finally had last year. It's probably a bit morbid, but will yours make a postponed date? I'd give anything to have been able to have them there.

We had a church ceremony, then put on a free bar and buffet in the local pub. It was relaxed, calm and not that expensive! We spent maybe 6k, including our rings which cost half of that, family contributed (dress / suits). We've got friends spending 40k+ on their days, at the end of it we're all married.

How much do you have saved so far? How do do you think you'll have saved by next Spring?

Its relaly hard to judge if you're saving £200 a month to afford a wedding pricing in at around £2k or saving 2k a month for your £50k wedding.

Yes it's important to enjoy now, but that doesn't have to be a 3k holiday every three months. Can you do a cheap week in the Sun somewhere to get time out and then push the wedding back a couple of months?

Tbh I can't imagine a wedding where I do invite my brother but don't invite his wife! I think the circles idea seriously underestimates the amount of offence it's possible for people to feel about weddings...

Registry office then a big picnic in the park.
Don't postpone - time passes, people die, stuff comes up.
If people complain then that is their problem.

Just downscale proceedings and prioritise. It doesn't have to cost ££ and you will never determine when you have "enough" even if you wait.

Go for a small wedding. Get married late afternoon/early evening and go straight into an evening do party x x

And ask for plates of finger food or help with decorations rather than gifts.

I've been in this position and trust me, there is never a right time.

We put ours off for years because of finances but then my DM became unexpectedly very, very ill and we almost lost her. We then actually did lose DH's uncle and that was devastating as they were very close.

After all that nothing else seemed important. We just wanted to be married surrounded by our loved ones.

So you and your partner aren't bothered about a big wedding but are doing it to avoid upsetting family members?

You've already come a hell of a long way financially - and well done on your new home - tbh I'd be ready to say goodbye to the squirrelling and saving for a bit, do a small wedding (abroad would solve your holiday dilemma), and explain to your family that you literally cannot afford it.

Weddings aren't to satisfy the guests. They're to celebrate a marriage.

So you’re not getting married, so that you can save (how?) for a big wedding that you’re not bothered about having
and so your in laws don’t make comments about you wanting their money.
makes no sense

you can’t afford the wedding you’re planning, have the wedding you want instead
who cares what other people say or think. They can pay for it if they want it to be a particular way.

If you are genuine in this, then have a proper 1970's wedding church/registry office & church/other hall.

invite family/friends with their kids.
get a friend to 'DJ'
someone to make the cake
soneone to decorate the cake

ask people who are local to help you out a buffet together.

mske it BYO booze

enjoy the day without worrying how much you've spent on one bloody day!
honeymoin/holiday.

then focus on sorting out your house (& getting pregnant!!).

honestly, 1970's weddings were THE best!

There's no way I'd be spending large amounts of money on a wedding for the sake of family members, that's just crazy. If someone is upset because they don't understand you can't afford to invite hoards of relatives to your wedding then do you want to be continuing a relationship with them

If you want to get married have a wedding for very close family only, you can always have a big family BYO party afterwards

Btw - you know it's not post-phone, right? 😁

It’s your wedding, not your families wedding.
Fair enough that they all want to be there but if you can’t afford it, then you can’t.

You sky have to do things to appease other people of Thats not what you want to do. Plus of course, being married or not has some legal repercussions. It’s certainly not up your families to decide what you status should be legally speaking.

If getting marred is important to you, then do it. Have a small wedding with only very close family members/friends.
If people. are upset, ignore. Tell them that’s your choice.

And please don’t fall into the ‘let’s have PIL paying for the bits we can’t pay so they can have the wedding they thought you should have’. That’s guaranteed to create resentment furthered down the line

@JuneJubilee actually we did exactly that and it was great!
Village hall rented for next to nothing. Cake baked by my SIL. Nibbles from the village at a very reasonable price. Bottles of wine from Sainsbury (we tried then before hand a few different bottles to chose which ones to have ) Wedding at the chapel nearby.
We did the decoration ourselves with some balloons etc.. Prepared the favours ourselves and both sets of parents chipped in for the preparation of the room.

General comment was that the wedding was great. Very ‘traditional’ but actually much nicer and much relaxed that a lot if other ones.

Ok course you can have a cheap wedding with blended families.

if being married to you is the important bit, not the party you will find a way to do it.

sounds like you do actually what the big wedding. Or just want to put it off and coming up with really odd reasons as to why you can’t.

You can choose to postpone the wedding. It’s a choice though. There’s no ‘we can’t get married’. You can if you choose to.

Hmm tricky one with the large blended families. One of my friends did a "bring a dish" wedding at a village hall, so if all your families really want to be there, they can bring food and drink. Obviously tell them what to bring and maybe buy in some bits, but there are imaginative ways you can make this happen without the cost burden being on you

I'd say the most important thing is to immediately stop writing "post-phone".

It's postpone. Sorry but that was too distracting to ignore

And definitely postpone, scale back, stop stressing about what other people think. It's YOUR wedding!

I lost my grandparents just before my wedding, and had put off getting married for years before. I'd have given up any part of the day to have had them there! Just do it on a smaller scale. The thing I remember most from my wedding is the people I love being there , the other details I worked so hard to make perfect fade away.