If your libido has decreased, and you're in a long term relationship is it because....

[MyToDoList]

You don't orgasm during sex?
I'm just wondering if that's one of the reasons it happens?

(I'm sure there are many, and it's not black and white I know!)

Married, 2 young DC under 4. Just feel like it's another thing 'to do'. DH is very patient, never bugs me etc he is good in bed and would definitely spend time on me, but I just cba?!

I wonder if it's because I'm lazy, if I use a toy I can literally orgasm in 2-3 mins and it be 'done' whereas during sex it can take like 45 mins... I just don't want it to be 45 mins each time! I'm wondering if this is why I am not as interested.

Even if I use a toy during sex it's still not as quick as when I'm alone.

Rambling now!

Anyone else similar?

Oh it's hard isn't it? Mine knows I like breasts because I joke about it. He has no idea about the same sex porn and who I think about when we are having sex. I did wonder if I'd sort of made this happen because I was watching the same sex porn, I initially watched that because it wasn't so aggressive and the women looked happier than in the straight porn, but maybe I'm kidding myself there!

Do you worry about it? I've tried to stop for periods of time but it didn't really help

It is probably not women you are into, per se but the taboo. Your brain needs something new to titillate you. Spice your rice is apt. You could try light bondage, power play. Even talking about it can have a postive effect...

Thank you, OP, for writing this. I am in a similar situation. I have never orgasmed during sex, oral or penetrative, and need a toy to help me get there, and sometimes not even that.

But everything else is the same - I don't want it to always last 45 mins and long for a quickie, fat and unhappy with my body, small child etc.

I've always been like this, though. I'm usually okay once we're into it, but find it hard to have the desire. Often I've literally just put the child to bed and he expects me to go from mum to sex goddess in a matter of moments!

My DH dislikes my reticence, though. He really sees sex as a way we can be close, but for me a cuddle on the sofa is just as nice!

I'm having counselling for this exact issue at the moment. I've been surgical menopause since the age of 48 - I'm 50 now - and my libido is quite literally zero. I miss it and so does DH, hence the therapy.

Our 'homework' for the next couple of weeks is to try and reconnect without the pressure of sex, by setting aside time twice a week to just touch each other without going anywhere near the sexy bits. Gradually you can introduce other bits but only with the agreement of both partners. I think the counsellor said it's called sensate focus. I'm up for it, but not sure DH will be.

I have never orgasmed during sex and I do think it affected my libido- which has never been high. Being with my ex completely killed it as he was an arsehole and truthfully horrible in bed. However I can orgasm in a few mins using a toy.

I'm so glad(?) to know that I'm not alone in all this.
I'll be back to reply in more detail soon.

I want to know how to sort this out as the years of this ahead depress me!

My libido truthfully, has never been high. Now I’ve got two kids, I work a demanding job, plus do all the organising for the family & housework, cooking, food shopping, all the “home” stuff I could say hand on heart I really wouldn’t be bothered if I didn’t have sex again, or not for a very long time. It actually irritates me when my DH talks about it. His sex drive is a lot higher. He needs to have sex once a week I think to shut him up whereas I’m not fussed at all.

I’m only 39!! It’s not a good look. I’d rather eat than have sex these days

So far as my knowledge of men goes, unless they're trying to impress with their stealth skills most of the time they can come pretty quickly and want to as well. This sounds like a communication issue. You need to reframe your sex life now that you're physically/mentally tired, you have lots buzzing around your head, you may have less energy or interest in a long night of passion. I think you have hit the off switch on the romantic side of it and as you say see it as more of a 'fulfilling a need' type thing like a chore. But that can be solved.

You need to tell him where you're at. What makes you feel good now, what makes you climax, what he can do to help you enjoy it more. Ask for his feedback too. Be gentle with each others feelings. After all, its two bodies coming together. You can only speak for yourselves.

Take a break with the masturbation and try and sort this.

This thread has made me feels so much better, good to know it’s fairly normal!

Isn't it sad that it's normal though?! But I agree, solidarity!

Can I join in? Same boat

Tell him it makes you come when he does!!

My husband and I really are very much dependent on the other enjoying themselves for it to be a joy

I love to know my husband is about to orgasm

Him the same for me. Main reason we have had to re introduce contraception as the pull our method was disjointed and sad

Surprised you don't tell him it makes you come when he does

Its such a special thing xx x

I would also suggest taking the vibrator out the mix and touch yourself instead to have an orgasm

When I had a little bullet vibrator it was basically impossible to orgasm without it

I threw it out and had a few weeks of finding it hard but readjusted better then ever and I didn't have that problem again

I have lost and found my libido at various times in our long marriage because of hormonal contraception (mirena), natural hormone cycles, anti depressants, getting a lot of touching already from the babies/toddlers, loss of concentration as too much mental load, pain from UTI, surgery for prolapse, complications from prolapse mesh, not happy in my changed body, feeling old and wrinkly, and now our youngest is a teenager I'm always thinking they will be listening or coming into the room.
So we don't do it every few days now but we go on nights and weekends away and on holiday where we make up for lost time! And DH and I have to talk and he shares the feeling of being older, fatter, wrinklier and not wanting to show his body. We agreed we are feel the same about our own bodies and should just get on with it regardless. 😆

It's not orgasm-related for me because I have never been able to reach orgasm, even when I was young, I don't know why. I enjoy sex but have to get away from the kids to be able to concentrate on it.

Mine disappeared due to the menopause.
I couldn't even be bothered to go solo.
I was contemplating slapping a pair of flip flops together just to remember what it sounded like!!

It is sad. One of the things I wish is to orgasm during sex, just to have the experience. I get jealous of people that are horny and want to have sex. I've never felt that way. But it's good to know that I'm not alone, as I always thought no one else could possibly be the same as me. All my friends love sex and I've always been the outlier.

I do..! I enjoy it during but don’t look forward to it.

Do you think that if we orgasmed every time from penetration like (the majority) of men do, that we'd want it more? Or it would still be another chore?

My DH does know that his orgasm is what gets me mine, but because we don't have sex as often as he'd like he wants to make last! Ffs. 😅

I'm only 34. This is my longest relationship, prior to this I had A LOT of sex, with different men. I know I don't orgasm through sex or oral, and I know that no man has been able to do that for me. But I have become good at faking it so that they finish quicker. Haha.

My hand has been my friend, and now my vibrator is. Oh, by the way, I don't use that everyday either- maybe a couple of times a month when the mood strikes me! So it's not like at every moment away from DH and the kids i'm in bed with my favourite toy.

I really need to work on my weight as that is definitely another barrier.

Had anyone else listened to this podcast?

www.dontbuyherflowers.com/podcast/the-dont-buy-her-flowers-podcast-ep-020/

It was a bit of a revelation for me. Really interesting discussion about how women experience sex drives and desire compared to men and what we need to be turned on and want sex. It's SO interesting (and echoes what a PP said about needing to connect without expectation sex).

My libido has disappeared for the first time since I started having sex. But then again I had a baby four months ago and am breastfeeding. After my last pregnancy I was ready to go after the six weeks appointment. This time I just can't be arsed. I'm sure it'll come back eventually.

I'll definitely check this out. Thanks for the link

I hope it comes back for you.
I was the same.,,my 2nd stole my drive I think! But that's another story.

I think when you're a mum to such young kids, you just get so touched out plus you're permanently underslept. Your body becomes a climbing frame for the whole family to play on and you actually get so little 'you' time and breathing space that sex does become another thing to do (on a long list of things to do).
It gets better, it gets easier, the sex returns... you find intimacy and a good balance, and then BOOM! You're pregnant again! 😆

I genuinely do orgasm practically every time I have sex. It might be the odd few times a year I don't.

I didn't orgasm with previous partners

I'm 29, we have been married for 8 years and have just had our third baby

My husbands sex drive has dipped off a bit and it really upset me that he didn't want to have sex

Its returning now

My libido dropped when DH wouldn’t address his penis problem, it’s not sexy having sex for up to an hour with a man that’s not going to come.
Then it went with peri menopause.