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Original poster

Child refuses to say sorry

58 replies

Sailorsgirl44 · 06/06/2022 21:39

My son is almost 9. He absolutely refuses to say sorry for anything. He just won't take any responsibility for his role in any wrongdoing.

Last week he was very bold and I said he could not use the computer until he apologised. Here we are...a full week later and he still can't use the computer. He would rather lose something he loves than apologise.

Today he hid his brothers toy... Refused to give it back. I found it a few hours later but he will not say sorry for this. I've said he won't get a treat tomorrow because of this but he doesn't seem to care.

His two siblings always apologise when they need to. I think being able to say sorry is such an important life skill... how do I get him to do it properly?

OP posts:

parrotonmyshoulder · 06/06/2022 21:48

He isn’t sorry. Do you want to teach him to lie in order to get what he wants?
If he doesn’t feel sorry, what does he feel? Ashamed, embarrassed, annoyed he was caught out, frustrated, wronged, justified? Perhaps he could learn to identify what he is feeling.
You could teach him how you feel about whatever it was he did. That would begin to develop empathy and understanding the perspectives of others. He might begin to feel sorry for hurting your feelings.
Any of that would be more beneficial than learning to ‘say sorry’.

SarahAndQuack · 06/06/2022 23:40

I disagree with @parrotonmyshoulder, but also get where she's coming from.

OP, does he understand what saying 'sorry' is for? Did he say it when he was younger?

If he's not sorry/not saying sorry, I think either he is pulling your bluff, or he is really upset about something, and this is his way of showing it.

Kite22 · 06/06/2022 23:50

What @parrotonmyshoulder said.

He needs to take responsibility for understanding what he has done wrong / why you are cross / upset / annoyed / sad / disappointed, not parrot a word that he will then just learn he has to verbalise to get what he wants without it meaning anything.

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RandomNumb3rs · 06/06/2022 23:54

I think you need to help him explore what his feelings actually are, and how to express them. Whether that is actually remorse, of whether it is jealousy, frustration, anger, sorrow.

Learning to people please by lying won’t do him any good. Why would you want an apology that wasn’t genuine?

Shedcity · 06/06/2022 23:55

Agree with @parrotonmyshoulder
i also think you’re making it an ultimatum too much

he shouldn’t be saying sorry to get something (a treat / his computer)
and it shouldn’t be a battle of wills.
he should be saying sorry because he understands how his actions make others feel.
everytime you say
say sorry or else
you’re making a stubborn kid put his foot down and battle you, I doubt it’s got anything to do with empathy or anything else at all, just being himself and not being controlled by you in how he acts and speaks - perfectly normal for his age. Try to make it less that you’re forcing him to do it and more that he understands why and wants to do it.

carefullycourageous · 06/06/2022 23:59

I think he is right to refuse to say sorry if he is not sorry! You need to try to understand how he feels rather than trying to force him to lie to you.

You need to back down and stop issuing these ultimatums. Instead of asking him to say sorry - ask him how he feels, what is going on.

Turningawayfromthelight · 07/06/2022 00:02

Was going to post but see you have had some really great advice already so can only endorse what’s been said. You’ll get there.

negomi90 · 07/06/2022 00:07

I'm with the others a power struggle over the word sorry is a pointless power struggle.
He doesn't have to sorry, he needs to stop and think about what he's done, why it wasn't a good idea, the impact it had on other people (the sibling who's toy he stole) and then what he's going to do to make it right.
Sorry is meaningless word, you want him to understand what he did and come up with ways of showing accountability. eg letting the sibling borrow one of his toys (but needs to come from him, not be punitive..
Otherwise, focus on the behaviour and consequences. Do x = y consequence. Consistent and matter of fact. Sort out big behaviour, take away the power struggle and let the meaningless word come later.

Testina · 07/06/2022 00:08

Don’t link the punishment to the apology, or the end of punishment to the apology!

If he’s losing computer access for being “bold” (what even is that? Bold is a positive thing! Do you mean he was rude?) then he loses it regardless of the apology. If he says sorry seconds after a one day ban, you say, “thank you for the apology, shall we play a card game?” - the computer sanction stands. If he hasn’t apologised one day later - he still gets the computer back.

Don’t promote a meaningless apology.

Ihaveamagicwand · 07/06/2022 02:01

I remember when I was a child that whenever I said I was sorry for doing something my mother would say “I should think so too!”

I can remember at quite a young age thinking that I wouldn’t apologise because I knew she would respond in this way. Apparently I refused to apologise for anything for months.

I’m not saying that this is the same in your situation but wonder if there is a similar thought process happening with your son, as my mum didn’t even realise she constantly responded in this way.

MolliciousIntent · 07/06/2022 02:56

I know this is a completely different situation but my toddler generally refuses to say sorry when she feels ashamed of what she did. Could that be at play here?

GDT · 07/06/2022 03:02

he needs to be listened to, asked what he feels, validated for those feeling....we all have different levels od sensitivity, he could be being bullied at school and he's hoping someone saves him, sees how much pain he's in... You never know, you can not see into his soul, you can only accept him unconditionally and hope he learns to tell you what HE feels...not what someone thinks they should do, think or expect

autienotnaughty · 07/06/2022 03:15

Agree with other posters. Work on why he needs to feel sorry rather than focusing on the word. He may have issues around empathy and understanding others perspective. If so that's not his fault but he may need help with it. If he does something that needs a consequence, give a consequence but I wouldn't hold out for a fake sorry.

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/06/2022 04:34

You've made it a battle. It's a mistake.

What you want is for a child to FEEL sorry when they mess up and want to make it right. Not force them to SAY they're sorry, making it all about the words.

Sorrys and thank yous weren't forced but encouraged here and DD is very good at them. You need to empathise, mirror language, recognise emotions, encourage empathy, encourage relationship. All of which should have happened by now.

Rather than asking him to say he's sorry, what about, "how do we fix this?". He did something wrong, OK how do we fix it? That might be a 'sorry' it might be a hug, it might be cleaning up or fixing something. Giving him choice and power might fix the battle you've set up.

Candyfloss22 · 07/06/2022 05:23

My mum used to make me apologise for the littlest of things when I was younger, I then got to my teens and would not apologies for anything as I had felt I had apologised enough and been made to apologise so much, in a way I was rebelling against my mum because I wanted her to see that I wouldn't do everything she said and because the word sorry was thrown around the house so much it had no meaning to it and so in the end I was never actually sorry for anything that I ever did because I had been made to say it so much. Unfortunately I still have this problem and I'm now in my 30s. I will only apologise even I truly mean it, regardless of whether I have upset someone or not. I would perhaps just ask him if he understands what the word means and if he has no answer then explain to him what it means and then from then on if he has done something which isn't right just explain to him how it makes you feel or how his siblings feels (if it is towards you or them) and then maybe he might then begin to apologise if he means it. I wish my mum had done that with me when I was younger.

Original poster

Sailorsgirl44 · 07/06/2022 08:04

Thanks for advice so far. I am surprised so many think it's wrong to insist on an apology. I suppose I want him to take accountability, to take responsibility for wrongdoing..to own his actions. I'll try to be more open to achieving this but without him saying the actual word sorry.. I'm going to find that hard!

OP posts:

LetHimHaveIt · 07/06/2022 08:10

Isn't 'bold' an Irish expression for 'rude/cheeky'?

I don't think you're wrong, OP. But I am beginning to see why the children my friend and caught vandalising the village hall at the weekend, couldn't bring themselves to say 'sorry', either. Happily, they were able to
give us a lot of mouth and call us 'Karen's', so . . . next time I shall attempt to look into their souls. Or something.

Dalekjastninerels · 07/06/2022 08:12

Bold is a word for naughty used in Ireland- not sure anywhere else.

Yes sorry is about accuntability and yes he absolutely should say it. Sorry is about the other person.

I may think the other person is being ridiculous about something but I still apologise because it is not about my feelings.

Devon1987 · 07/06/2022 08:16

My ds doesn’t like saying sorry, I said no tablet until he apologised to his nan for breaking her ornament on purpose. Took a few days but he did. I’d hold firm. Nothing more unattractive then someone who won’t admit wrongdoing and say sorry.

Threetulips · 07/06/2022 08:18

what even is that? Bold is a positive thing! Do you mean he was rude?)

As explained by PP is an Irish word for rude - which is exactly what you are!

Dalekjastninerels · 07/06/2022 08:19

Accountability!

theworldaccordingtome · 07/06/2022 08:20

All you are teaching is that it doesn't matter whether an apology is genuine or not and to get what he wants, he needs to learn to lie. As others have said, try modeling empathy and exploring how his actions made others feel, rather than encouraging empty words.

UnbeatenMum · 07/06/2022 08:27

What about 'showing sorry' instead? If he was rude to you perhaps he could help lay the table for dinner. If he hid his brother's toy perhaps he could lend his brother one of his toys or let him have first go on the computer?

KeepingTheWormsQuiet · 07/06/2022 08:27

I also don't like children (or anyone really) being forced into meaningless apologies. This happens a lot at schools and they just learn to mumble "sorry" to get out of trouble. It's also annoying for the victim, who sees the perpetrator get away with something with just a mumbled "sorry".

Threetulips · 07/06/2022 08:29

What happened when he was bold for example - what did he do, how did he cause harm and how did you explain it?

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