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Original poster

He does nothing to help

32 replies

Hismum21 · 06/06/2022 20:27

Sorry if I don't word this well .

So I don't live with my children's father. Because I felt like I was looking after another child and had no support or help. And his mum was on the same level as him. Ie he gos to work the mum looks after the kids,him and house 24/7 . He gets in from work and the woman waits on him.

When I have posted about this in the past on mn its been said that it's the making of the mother. Which I think is true as she would step in for him if I said anything. So I thought I'm never ever going to be happy I'm always going to be his skivvy for 50+ years this is what he's known. So I gave up and he lives with his mum.

We still get on well ect no bad feelings me and the kids were at their house for the long weekend. As usual he's doing nothing at all his mum is waiting on him. She cooks cleans does his washing . He does not clean up after himself. Plus extra because of My kids being there.

His mum made comments such as . Im 79 years old. Somthing needs doing . Do it ya f%#king self .This happend on several occasions.

There's a bit of me that felt very bad for her. As I could see she's finding it hard. But there was also a bit that was thinking well you made him this way. You did not give a shit when I was struggling. Anyway I cleaned all the kitchen and bathroom and stairs. Wiped the skirting spindles etc.

And her son done fuck all . He thanked me for cleaning the kitchen . While he done nothing his daughter whos late 20s stays at the house half the week. As only her and her dad uses the top of the house she is meant to keep it clean. Yet there's months of dust and dirt kids dad pointed out she's not done a thing. Her bedroom is spotless but she's not done anything else all the time he's done nothing himself.

He does say things to the kids like help nanny out a bit . Because nanny finds it hard. So he knows. But he does nothing. Do I say anything to him or not. Or do I stay out of it .

OP posts:
Original poster
Hismum21 · 06/06/2022 21:14

B

OP posts:
Original poster
Hismum21 · 07/06/2022 06:39

I must be very boring poster 😅

OP posts:
StEval · 07/06/2022 06:44

Stay out of it!
He is responsible for doing his share not you!

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Families
Redlorryyellowlorryblue · 07/06/2022 06:47

I would mention it once in private and then stay out of it. Can/will he pay for a cleaner?

Perfect28 · 07/06/2022 06:49

I wouldn't 'stay out of it' because at the end of the day he's setting an example to your kids. His mum should kick him out imo

ArcheryAnnie · 07/06/2022 06:49

Don't do his share of the work - point out to his mum that you already do more than your share.

I'm not generally in favour of dissing the absent parent, but he is also unfortunately modelling this behaviour to your kids - you do need to say to them, if they ever raise the state of the house, that this isn't normally or reasonable, and that its the job of an adult to do their fair share of household tasks, and that you are sorry to hear that their dad isn't doing his fair share.

Perfect28 · 07/06/2022 06:49

Oh and it's not 'helping', it's doing your fair share.

MintyMoocow · 07/06/2022 06:54

..and you bred with this man, because?

OldPodge · 07/06/2022 07:00

MintyMoocow · 07/06/2022 06:54

..and you bred with this man, because?

…and you think that’s a helpful thing to add Minty?

that’s nasty

Original poster
Hismum21 · 07/06/2022 07:17

ArcheryAnnie · 07/06/2022 06:49

Don't do his share of the work - point out to his mum that you already do more than your share.

I'm not generally in favour of dissing the absent parent, but he is also unfortunately modelling this behaviour to your kids - you do need to say to them, if they ever raise the state of the house, that this isn't normally or reasonable, and that its the job of an adult to do their fair share of household tasks, and that you are sorry to hear that their dad isn't doing his fair share.

I done what he should of done. Because his mum was struggling i felt bad for her as she's also elderly and struggles. But I also felt she made him that way . Its not something I can do regularly as I don't live close.

As for the children it's the complete opposite at home they have to keep their room tidy. Put their clothes in the wash help me hang washing outside. Help me generally tidy . Scrape their plates ect . My older children do their fair share as well. So hopefully the younger children will understand that we all help out.

OP posts:
StEval · 07/06/2022 07:22

You are not responsible for how he treats his mum.
Step away, stop taking the responsibility he should be taking.

Mindymomo · 07/06/2022 07:55

If he can’t see his own mother struggling with the housework, I doubt anything you say will convince him otherwise. I couldn’t not say anything though, I would say “you know your mum is struggling with the housework at her age, what’s going to help her with this?”

Original poster
Hismum21 · 07/06/2022 08:48

Mindymomo · 07/06/2022 07:55

If he can’t see his own mother struggling with the housework, I doubt anything you say will convince him otherwise. I couldn’t not say anything though, I would say “you know your mum is struggling with the housework at her age, what’s going to help her with this?”

I think your right. Even if I say something I think he will just turn it on someone else. Like when he said about the upstairs not being tidy. He moaned about his daughter but done nothing himself.

OP posts:
Shinyandnew1 · 07/06/2022 08:51

His mum made comments such as . Im 79 years old. Somthing needs doing . Do it ya f%#king self

Who was his mum swearing at??

I cleaned all the kitchen and bathroom and stairs. Wiped the skirting spindles etc

I wouldn’t clean the bathroom, skirting or spindles in anyone else’s house, no! Why were you in there-I’d leave it to them completely.

Original poster
Hismum21 · 07/06/2022 09:18

Shinyandnew1 · 07/06/2022 08:51

His mum made comments such as . Im 79 years old. Somthing needs doing . Do it ya f%#king self

Who was his mum swearing at??

I cleaned all the kitchen and bathroom and stairs. Wiped the skirting spindles etc

I wouldn’t clean the bathroom, skirting or spindles in anyone else’s house, no! Why were you in there-I’d leave it to them completely.

I think it was to her son. There was things like he wanted a cool box for the beach he went to look for it could not see it and she had to do it for him.

With me cleaning up a bit . To be honest i was bored shitless he and his parents had fell asleep. So it was something to do. Plus I felt bad for her as I know that's Just not how she keeps her house.

OP posts:
Skiptheheartsandflowers · 07/06/2022 09:24

Couldn't you have said directly to him, when this came up 'You need to come and do some cleaning with me, your mum can't do it all'. If you wait for him to volunteer that's obviously not going to happen. What does he do if asked directly to do something?

If I were his mum I'd stop doing stuff for him, like his washing. You could suggest that to her.

Original poster
Hismum21 · 07/06/2022 09:40

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 07/06/2022 09:24

Couldn't you have said directly to him, when this came up 'You need to come and do some cleaning with me, your mum can't do it all'. If you wait for him to volunteer that's obviously not going to happen. What does he do if asked directly to do something?

If I were his mum I'd stop doing stuff for him, like his washing. You could suggest that to her.

The last time I made a comment when me and him were properly together we was at hers for the weekend. I was doing everything he was just sitting there I was struggling with the kids . I said to him have you actually had the kids with you at all . His mum piped up. He works all week. Another time I asked him to help me put the kids shoes on. She said he has a 3 hour drive ffs. This was a long time ago . But that kind of told me how it was . So there's probably no point in me actually saying anything like that to her. I think she's made him like that. But I still feel bad for her but if I said anything directly to her I would still be the bad one.

OP posts:
ArcheryAnnie · 07/06/2022 09:51

Skip has a point - what does he say if you specifically tell him that he must get up and do some cleaning too? (To be clear, you shouldn't have to, but it would be interesting to see what happens when you do.)

Original poster
Hismum21 · 07/06/2022 10:20

ArcheryAnnie · 07/06/2022 09:51

Skip has a point - what does he say if you specifically tell him that he must get up and do some cleaning too? (To be clear, you shouldn't have to, but it would be interesting to see what happens when you do.)

I would probably be the bad one. I can't see him actually changing

OP posts:
Skiptheheartsandflowers · 07/06/2022 11:16

You'll be the bad one regardless, I imagine. But that's ok, you don't have to live with him! You can say what you want. There is still a whole thing where women are guilted into not asking men directly to do things. His mum clearly has this going on. But you don't have to go along with that. If he's being lazy there's nothing wrong with saying 'aren't you going to get up and help your mum?'

Original poster
Hismum21 · 07/06/2022 12:06

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 07/06/2022 11:16

You'll be the bad one regardless, I imagine. But that's ok, you don't have to live with him! You can say what you want. There is still a whole thing where women are guilted into not asking men directly to do things. His mum clearly has this going on. But you don't have to go along with that. If he's being lazy there's nothing wrong with saying 'aren't you going to get up and help your mum?'

He would probably say why don't you help her.

Thinking about it though. He has a sister. Plus theres the grand children who are in their 20s. Who could all be helping out or telling him to help out but no one does. If the whole family is that way there is probably no point in me saying anything. I'm only there every 2-3 months so not often.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 07/06/2022 12:26

Stop being a mug; you’re not an unpaid cleaner op

Keep your own house in order and let him worry about his

Don’t feel too sorry for his Mum either; she’s brought him up to expect everything to be done for him so it’s her own fault

Original poster
Hismum21 · 07/06/2022 12:37

Shoxfordian · 07/06/2022 12:26

Stop being a mug; you’re not an unpaid cleaner op

Keep your own house in order and let him worry about his

Don’t feel too sorry for his Mum either; she’s brought him up to expect everything to be done for him so it’s her own fault

Yes I get that. And it's actually one of the reasons we don't live together. It made me feel very worthless . And as much as she made him that way I don't want her to feel how I have. Especially since she's elderly. But on the other hand she did make comments when I asked for help . So another part of me thinks you made him this way so it's your problem.

OP posts:
femfemlicious · 07/06/2022 12:40

I dont understand? Did you clean his mums kitchen?

pearly1792 · 07/06/2022 13:01

I'm confused who did his mum say this to, 'His mum made comments such as . Im 79 years old. Somthing needs doing . Do it ya f%#king self.'

If it was you I hope you said it's not my house but your son lives here perhaps you could tell him to do something.

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