DSD's mum died of alcoholism and we need help

[Sapphire387]

Hi all,

I am looking at how to support my DSD (8) whose mother died four years ago from alcoholism.

She has a lot of questions / anger. There was significant disruption to her early life and my husband ended up doing basically all the parenting, of course. Her memories of her mother seem to be limited to her being either asleep or unwell.

My own children lost their dad young too, but it was cancer and although this is painful, I have always been able to tell them it was terrible bad luck and he loved them very much and was a great dad.

My husband is - understandably I think - pretty bitter about the whole situation (she hid it from him for a long time - years, and it later came out she had been drinking in pregnancy and while looking after dsd as a baby).

CAMHS won't touch dsd as she doesn't meet the threshold, apparently. She verbally abuses my husband (calls him every name under the sun) and is physically violent towards him, at times. She is santioned for this but the behaviour repeats. Despite this, she is a dear little girl and I am aware she has suffered a lot. I am also aware that she is affected by our relationship and subsequent marriage, and the changes it has brought. The school are not helpful as she is well-behaved there, although they acknowledge her ongoing soiling issues. My in-laws also bear the brunt of her behaviour and she can be pretty awful to my MIL/SIL.

It is finding the balance between accommodating and helping her manage her feelings, but not allowing her to behave in such destructive ways as it isn't fair on the rest of the family. My son (11) also struggles with his feelings and can be angry, but we seem to be able to reason with him more.

How can we help her? Any suggestions welcome.

Lots to untangle there OP. Sounds like you're there for her though.
There's a clinical psychologist called Jennifer Nock who works in the field of fasd and adoption ( I know not quite your situation but clear parallels). She has presentations on YouTube - these might strike a chord with you. She takes private commissions if you can stretch to that.
Otherwise books on parenting the explosive child and building attachment with children who've experienced loss.
And, gently, your DH probably does need to accept that her mum too died of a disease albeit one that is less well understood than cancer.
Wishing you all the best

If DSD's mum was drinking through pregnancy, it's possible she has foetal alcohol spectrum disorder or similar alcohol-related damage which can lead to things like the outbursts you're seeing. It could also be nothing to do with that an issues around her mental wellbeing with the loss of her mum etc.

www.nhs.uk/conditions/foetal-alcohol-spectrum-disorder/

This is a support network for FASD - www.fasdnetwork.org/support.html

There are also some bereavement groups to support children and their remaining parents: www.youngminds.org.uk/parent/parents-a-z-mental-health-guide/grief-and-loss/

I'm sorry she's going through some tough times.

My DS lost his Dad 3 years ago to alcoholism. And similar in terms of his memories being his Dad sleeping/being ill. We went on a really good bereavement course a few months ago. It helped him find the words rather than anger. One of the things they did was draw a storyboard of how his death felt to him and I had to do the same. He thought he should have been able to save him. A lot for a 9 year old.

What also helps is sport, DS plays a lot of football and it makes a massive difference to his mood if he doesn't have training/matches.

We also talk about his Dad. Not the bad stuff particularly, just funny anecdotes and every day stuff. It was difficult for me to start with - his Dad was an abusive drunk - but doing it helps me remember why I was with him, not why I left him.

It's hard, I feel for you all.

I think the first thing to acknowledge is that the way you’ve described your husbands death from cancer and the way her alcoholism are described should be very similar. Alcoholism (especially given how very serious her addiction clearly was) is an illness every bit as much as cancer is an illness. Some people recover and some don’t, but it isn’t just a case of “she did this to herself”.

As for the support she needs, I’m sure you could find someone private to help support her if school and CAMHS can’t help.

It sounds like DSD has suffered a lot of trauma and the behaviour towards your husband and possibly the soiling too are linked to this. I highly recommend looking at Karen Treisman and Sarah Naish's books and videos on you tube. There is also a FB group called therapeutic parenting that could be really helpful for you all.

That's very sad. She is grieving and it will naturally be a more complex grief than your son's, there is more potential for guilt, anger and confusion when someone dies from addiction. How much does she know about her mum's death? Have you made a memory box with her, tried to give a balanced picture of her mum? She was obviously not the greatest parent but there must have been some good things about her. Could her dad talk about what he loved about her (presumably he did at one point?). This is not to sugarcoat but it all sounds horribly negative and your DSD is probably conscious of being the only person in your household who is related to her. In the same way it can be damaging for divorced parents to criticise one another.

Have you spoken to Winstons Wish? They offer support groups for grieving children and there is a specialist advice line.

Alanon would definitely be worth a call. Their support for families affected by alcoholism is amazing

Winston's wish also work with bereaved children.

There's no material difference between your SD's loss and your DS's. They both lost a parent to a horrible disease and I am sure they were both very much loved. Neither should be seem as less worthy of grief. Addiction is a disease and although SD's mum chose to drink she did not choose alcoholism.

I think for an 8 year old her behaviour is not unusual at all - hitting out at the people who love her the most is fairly normal in the circumstances. I wonder if maybe she is picking up on your husbands bitterness about the situation and the general feeling of disapproval that seems to be in the air? Does she have any contact with her mum's family - aunts, grandparents? Maybe building these relationships and hearing some positive stories about her mum before it all got nasty would be nice for her? Does she have photos of them together? She's going to have to come to terms with all the details as she gets older which will lead to anger and resentment I'm sure but it would be good for her to be able to feel love for her mum too, I think.

So sorry to hear you are all struggling.
Do you know if your DSD's mother drank during pregnancy? If she did, it may be worth looking into if she has been impacted by Foetal Alcohol Syndrome disorder.
Unfortunately alcohol consumed during pregnancy can damage the central nervous system causing a multitude of affects, particularly sensory/processing speeds. It could be that she is struggling to manage with so many aspects of day to day life and lashes out in frustration. The FASD network has loads of advice if you think it may be helpful?
It could also be due to her early attachments with her mother impacting on her capacity to form close and trusting relationships, pushing away those she loves most to test if they will leave her too.
Look at the NACOA website nacoa.org.uk/, loads of helpful advice for children impacted by their parents drinking. They also run a helpline which your DSD can call if she wants to talk to someone neutral (there is often a lot of anger to be processed and she may feel to disloyal talking about her mum to your DH). Just knowing she is not the only child to have experienced such a loss can be healing and empowering.
Hope things improve for you all.

If CAMHS can’t help, then you need to go private.
I also agree with some PP about a bereavement course so that both you and your DH are in the same wavelength as what to tell her.

both you, your DH and your poor dsd.

Some FAS effects can be similar to ADHD, so it may be helpful to look at parenting tips for this.

Winstons wish x

Thank you all for your words and suggestions, they are very much appreciated.

I just called Al-Anon and they have suggested going along to some of their groups. I don't feel I understand alcoholism enough and I hope it will be a helpful starting point for me at least. They also pointed us to some resources for DSD.

We will look into some of the other suggestions too. I wish we could afford to go private. Winston's Wish sounds particularly helpful.

For someone who mentioned it, I don't think her loss is any less worthy of grief - I suppose I see the 'loss' is more of the mother she never had, if that makes sense. The only memories she seems to have are basically her mum sleeping on the sofa and suffering massive nosebleeds. But I could be wrong. As someone else said, there is a lot to untangle, here.

It's difficult to focus on the positives - obviously I wasn't there but from what I hear, much of DSD's early life was taken over by her mother's illness and addiction and she really wasn't present. But you have all highlighted something really important to me, and something that has also been on my mind: my husband needs to help himself before he can help her, and it's a very hard thing for him to come to terms with, the whole thing.

Finally, I will think about how to work on my own feelings about this - I do struggle to understand and excuse some of the things that happened. I am angry for my stepdaughter and I think she deserved better than to experience this in her early life. No child deserves this and I do struggle to see her mother as a victim of an illness. Likewise my husband. I hope going to al-anon will help me understand a bit more.

Thank you all, once again.

Winston’s Wish are excellent and will be able to help both you and the children to navigate this.

Do get in touch with them asap

You sound wonderful OP.......coming from a daughter of an alcoholic mum who is now 40 years sober we'll done...but the memories cut and run very deep x

It might also be worth googling attachment disorder. It sounds as though DSD was never really mothered.

Thank you for this. I have just started reading and it makes a lot of sense so far and I recognise so many signs. Will investigate further.

You sound like you really care.

I agree she may have foetal alcohol syndrome too. A friend adopted a child who has it and some of her actions sound very similar. Please explore that further if you can. Hopefully the GP can assist.

I'd retiterate looking into therapeutic parenting, they have a fab Facebook group, primarily for parents of children who have experienced trauma or attachment difficulties. Sarah naish has written some good books

I can totally understand your anger towards the alcoholism. On one level we know it’s a disease but at the same time cannot understand the person not being willing ( as we see it) to stop. I used to yell at my husband that there were people in the world went without food to feed their kids but you can’t go a night without drinking—- he couldn’t see it. I understand your anger and exasperation.but it is what it is. You’re doing everything you can to support 3 bereaved children, that is a huge amount.
Winston's Wish is wonderful, I know several children who’ve been helped.
You’re doing everything you can, make sure you look after yourself.

Thank you so much for saying this. It really helps to know others understand.

Poor little mite. You sound like a lovely SM

You sound like such a loving and supportive person, your DSD is lucky to have you.

I’ve nothing to add, except I have lost a (not too close) relative to alcoholism last year as an adult and I still find it very confusing, painful and made me feel differently to other family members I have lost to different non-addiction medical conditions. It must be such a lot for a young girl to process.

All the best to you and your family.

I see lots of people suggesting reading about trauma informed parenting, have a read of Dan Hughes too and his PACE model, this book may be a helpful starting point.
smile.amazon.co.uk/Parenting-Child-Experienced-Trauma-Matters/dp/1910039500/ref=mp_s_a_1_2?crid=1EJ7670G1X6M3&keywords=dan+hughes+books&qid=1654464276&sprefix=dan+hughes%2Caps%2C87&sr=8-2