DSD's mum died of alcoholism and we need help

[Sapphire387]

Hi all,

I am looking at how to support my DSD (8) whose mother died four years ago from alcoholism.

She has a lot of questions / anger. There was significant disruption to her early life and my husband ended up doing basically all the parenting, of course. Her memories of her mother seem to be limited to her being either asleep or unwell.

My own children lost their dad young too, but it was cancer and although this is painful, I have always been able to tell them it was terrible bad luck and he loved them very much and was a great dad.

My husband is - understandably I think - pretty bitter about the whole situation (she hid it from him for a long time - years, and it later came out she had been drinking in pregnancy and while looking after dsd as a baby).

CAMHS won't touch dsd as she doesn't meet the threshold, apparently. She verbally abuses my husband (calls him every name under the sun) and is physically violent towards him, at times. She is santioned for this but the behaviour repeats. Despite this, she is a dear little girl and I am aware she has suffered a lot. I am also aware that she is affected by our relationship and subsequent marriage, and the changes it has brought. The school are not helpful as she is well-behaved there, although they acknowledge her ongoing soiling issues. My in-laws also bear the brunt of her behaviour and she can be pretty awful to my MIL/SIL.

It is finding the balance between accommodating and helping her manage her feelings, but not allowing her to behave in such destructive ways as it isn't fair on the rest of the family. My son (11) also struggles with his feelings and can be angry, but we seem to be able to reason with him more.

How can we help her? Any suggestions welcome.

I understand why people are saying that alcoholism is a disease exactly as cancer is - but honestly, to a person who is grieving, it isn't. It's very very hard to have been a child whose parent chose alcohol over being able to be a good parent, again and again - and to them have that choice take them away altogether. It's also hard to manage being sad and missing someone with being angry with them, and so it would have been a miracle if this child wasn't acting out.

OP, you sound very balanced about it all. I would be a little bit wary of Alanon (I didn't find them helpful as I got unlucky with "support" from someone who tried to push religion on me, and wanted me to be more forgiving and less angry, which wasn't where I was at then), and I'd continue to be a little bit wary, as you very sensibly are, of going too far along the "it's just an illness like any other" path.

Good luck. She is lucky to have you.

what a rough situation. While expensive, private counselling would be worth its weight in gold. I agree with PP that alcoholism is a life destroying disease in the same way cancer is and you need to realise that

It's really not fair to suggest she's got foetal alcohol syndrome. Be circumspect with al anon. There won't be many young people in the group - check it out. In my experience alcoholism is a symptom of a mental health issue. That's the primary driver. Social services are quick to help the addiction, not mental health. I think it's healthy to talk about mental health issues and I appreciate this is very difficult with children. Open dialogue and love helps a lot.

OP given what you've written I think it would absolutely be worth considering FASD (Foetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder). I have two adoptive children diagnosed with FASD, one is also 8 and often behaves in a very similar way as you have described.

Our experience was that CAMHS won't investigate or support, you would need a referral to a paediatrician via the GP or school nurse (or in some areas a therapeutic social worker). They would arrange blood tests for a genetics screening (to rule out other conditions), and take into account behaviour and progress at school, and speech and language, occupational therapy and psychological assessments to make a decision.

A diagnosis of FASD (or ruling it out) won't solve anything as such, but will give you a better idea of what you're dealing with, and what strategies will and won't work. Much of "traditional parenting" simply doesn't work with neurodevelopmental disability, and may end up frustrating you all. The National FASD website (https://nationalfasd.org.uk) and private Facebook group (FASD UK) are really helpful for understanding more, advice and support. Wishing you all the best

It's not clear from your OP what the set up was with your DH prior to his ex's death. Was he still in a relationship with her when she died?

How has your DH dealt with his ex's death and how does he talk with his daughter about her mother? Do they talk about her mother together? I think that needs to be the start.

Kind of... They remained in the same house but as he says, they didn't really have a relationship for a long time because she would sleep all day and stay up at night drinking alone. He tried to leave a couple of times but she threatened to kill herself.

I think he has 'coped' by focusing on DSD and getting on with things. He is a 'doer'.

He doesn't speak to her about her mum much at all, no. He says there is nothing much good to say. It's clear from chatting with you all here that he also needs help coming to terms with things. It is delicate because his feelings are also valid and I don't want to push him to 'overcome' them and frame his former partner in a way that feels untrue to him.

Agree with all above - the effect of trauma is huge so she will need a lot more understanding/flex than you'd think for her age. Also see it as a huge mental health problem and the mum as sadly very unwell.

Winstons wish is great.

Another good book is explosive parenting by Green which is a great approach rather than reqards/punishments which doesnt work after trauma.

Looking at therapeutic parenting would be great too.

Good luck. Sounds like you've all been through a lot.

I know most people on here are against it. But please consider calling your local Children's Services. Not for a social worker at all.
Most offer support called Early Help, or similar, they can support with bereavement and behaviour issues. If it is something that isn't in their remit then they will refer you to something more suitable.

Also just calling Children's services and saying you just need signposting for support will help. They can show you where to self refer to.

Neither of those mean SS involvement. Just support as it sounds like you have been through a lot as a family.

You sound like lovely stepmum & mum OP. Good luck with everything

My respect to you OP for your care

OP, you sound like an amazing step parent for your DSD and one day I hope she will see that. Your desire to find out more about alcoholism is to be applauded, you will find it very worthwhile. It is an illness of course but as I used to say to my DH "when we are ill we try to get better, we don't just pretend it isn't happening!" Of course that is simplistic but it is also true.
Sounds like your DH could do with Al Anon too, he's been through the wringer and will need some support of his own to recover. In the meantime can you encourage him to talk to his DD about his early relationship with her mother? He must have fallen in love with her and there will have been some good times to share, surely? It could be balm for that troubled little girl to hear about it, if he can manage it, if not now, later.
You could give Alateen a call, they may be able to offer more help than AlAnon.
I have spent most of my life surrounded by alcoholics and I know just how difficult things can be. Luckily I married (for the 2nd time) the only one who actually managed to stop, and stay stopped apart from one 'slip' over 25 years ago.
Sending my very best wishes to you and hope for a much brighter future.

I think it's great you are looking into Al-Anon, for support and help in understanding. I do think it likely, given the behaviours described, there may be an element of FASD. Equally, it sounds as if everyone in your family has been left with a level of trauma. I do hope you find some help from all the suggestions above.

www.nofasd.org.au/parents-carers-and-families/characteristics-across-the-lifespan/

It might help you to reframe the alcoholism as an illness so that it doesn't influence your role in the conversation. Sleeping a lot could play a role in any illness and that's where you need to put that context in. The harshness of alcohol abuse is not age appropriate, she needs to know that her Mum was a person and had some happy times. You can add the detail as she gets older and can understand more.

I disagree about the FASD comments - she also sounds like a traumatised child.

It's entirely possible to have FASD as well as trauma.

www.drugfam.co.uk/bereavement/
I know it says drug in the title, but this charity supports families who have been bereaved by addiction to drugs, alcohol or gambling. I have recently got in touch and they have been helpful so far, I am meeting a bereavement support worker on zoom next week. Maybe they could support your DH to work through his feelings about the relationship and his bereavement and how to support DSD.
You sound like a lovely stepmum and I hope you find some help for your family.

A little bit of a tangent, but rather than thinking of alcoholism as a disease "like cancer", think of it as being more like anorexia or an eating disorder. It's generally rooted in some form of inner turmoil, and although, to people on the outside, it manifests as behaviour that someone should be able to control, the alcoholic can no more "just stop drinking" than the anorexic can "just eat" and it all goes away.

It sounds like a very sad situation, and as if both your DH and DSD would benefit from therapeutic help.

I am sure she will have positive memories of her mum as well as negative, many alcoholics are still fuctioning to some extent even towards the end of their lives, l think alcoholism is a very complicated illness/ mental health issue to understand.
They say people who have lost close relatives to addiction or suicide do not receive the same level of sympathy or understanding, which is incredibly hurtful.
It is an awful lot for a young girl to deal with.
When my sons lost their Dad l brough a book written by children/ teenagers who had lost a parent and how it affected them, l can' t remember the title, l got it from Amazon, they have alot of books on grief and loss.
Anger is often a sympton of grief, l experianced it with my youngest son, they have since told me how awkward they found it telling friends and other kids at school as nobody knew what to say, and l used to and still do to a certain extent feel so much empathy for my sons when their friends chat about their own Dads.
I can imagine your DSD feeling as though these feelings will never get better, and that in itself will be quite scary. My sons are older now and just thankful for having their Dad in their lives for as long as they did, they used to get upset that they couldn' t remember his voice, but l assured them the love for their Dad would grow alongside them, and never fade.
We played a lovely son at the funeral "I'm Already there" by Westlife, maybe you could choose a song together, or make a scrapbook ? Focus on the positives and allow her to grieve her Mum her own way, that would be my advice.

Thank you all for your lovely words and support. We have much to think about. Will definitely be looking at all the links.

I have no doubt that DSD's mum was very troubled - I believe she had underlying mental health issues that were not fully explored and was likely 'self-medicating' with alcohol. I do pity her, but it's limited given that she was the one who pushed to have a baby and later admitted she had been drinking that whole time. I agree that it is more like an eating disorder or something than a 'regular' illness. If you could see the devastation left behind... well, my pity is reserved mainly for DSD and DH. They are living with the fallout.

I think our biggest fear is not being able to help / find her the help she needs, and what if she ends up going the same way with her mental health, destructive behaviours as her mother did? I am worried about her. But we can only try, and that is what we will do.

Thank you once again 💐

You need to have her assessed for fetal alcohol syndrome.

I would also recommend play therapy. There's a British association of play therapists. I'll post a link when I'm on my PC.

In play therapy she can unearth and address issues she has in a friendly and child centered setting.

NHS support as she may have been affected by pregnancy drinking?

Also MIND run a children's counselling service called Time for you and it absolutely saved my DS. You do have to push to get the support but go direct

OP you sound lovely and she is very lucky to have you.

As the daughter of an alcoholic mother, I can totally understand why you might be struggling to see how a parent could do this to their child or behave in this way. But having seen and lived through it first hand it really is the most devastating illness to watch someone go through. It can take such a vice like grip on the person that logic just goes out the window. They become unrecognisable. And in the flashes where you see “the real them” there is so much shame and regret there. Whilst I can’t speak for your stepdaughter’s mother I can only imagine that she will have felt a lot of shame in her sober moments at having let her daughter down.

Try and raise your stepdaughter with the sober mother in mind. Talk about her good bits, find out what she was like before the addiction took hold, and recognise all the good in the little girl that will have come from her mum just as much as it came from her Dad. Alcoholics were whole, varied people before they became an alcoholic. There will have been so much good stuff about her Mum that the little girl won’t know yet, and would love to hear about one day.

If I picture a young woman in the grip of a very powerful illness that was robbing her of her sanity and decision making, with a young daughter and a marriage that was deteriorating, I imagine she may have had sober moments where she realised how bad it could get. In those sober moments she may have had to contemplate that one day her little girl would be being raised by someone else. I can only imagine how grateful she would be to find it was by someone like you. It sounds like you are doing a wonderful job.
x

This is so powerful, and helpful to hear an experience more from DSD's perspective. Thank you - and I am sorry you and your mother went through that.

She is a traumatised child and needs a different parenting style.

Have a look at therapeutic parenting - this is just one website but there are others and books on Amazon too.

www.attachmenttraumanetwork.org/parenting/

I was a traumatised child once and wish people had heard of this.

The thing that stuck out to me was the sanctions. This isn't normal mischievous behaviour that needs to be disciplined, it's her way of expressing the pain and trauma and she needs a different approach.

Also it's worth bearing in mind that while she doesn't have a lot of memories of her DM her inability to consistently rely on her primary care giver will have had an impact on her at the time, including an impact on how the neural networks in her brain developed.

This is how children are impacted by less than ideal early years even when they have no conscious memories of it.

Please allow yourself the grace of hope, OP. Your DSD has something that so many children of alcoholics and other addicts don't have, a fully functional adult who is more than willing to do everything possible to help her, at her side. I cannot begin to express how vital and valuable this is.

First of all, you sound like a lovely, caring step-mum. Even if it doesn't seem like it now, I'm sure that your positive influence in her life will help your DSD to heal from the damage caused in her early years.

As others have said, probably the real issue here is that DSD is unable to reconcile the fact that she loved her mum a lot, but knows that she died of a "bad" thing that made people angry. I see this as akin to (but obviously much worse than) a bad divorce in which the resident parent talks badly about the non-resident parent. It might help if your DH could find a way to keep his negative feelings about his ex hidden, and talk to DSD about the nice things about her, things which must have been there for him to want to have DSD with her in the first place. She's gone now, nothing to be gained by holding on to that resentment and anger (which is completely understandable).