Lack of affection and love - what impact would it have?

[LongTermIssues]

If a person spent their entire childhood never being told they’re loved, what impact would this have later in life? Would material possessions / nice holidays / private education etc etc make up for the total lack of declarations of love? Within this is also the lack of any kind of pride or general affection.

Its probably pretty obvious this is my situation. I’m in my late 30s, have 2 kids but have some pretty severe mental health probs but am desperate not to repeat the experience I had myself as I feel it’s totally f*ed me up but I don’t know if it’s just my fault that I’ve caused these problems I now have?

No, of course it’s not your fault. Children need love and affection, desperately. (Baby monkeys removed from their mothers will seek out ‘affection’ over food - see the Harlow monkey experiment.)

There’s a thread in relationships with Stately Homes in the title - you might find some help and support there - I’m afraid I don’t have personal experience but didn’t want to leave you post unanswered.

My dh had a similar childhood op. He is a doting df. Material things mean nothing to him.

Are you mad?! Of course that is going to cause profound harm to a child, and of course that harm is not their fault.

That was my childhood. I just give to my children all the things I wish I had had. Cuddles. Praise. Spending time and talking to them. Listening to them. Laughing with them. The laughing was a huge thing, i never ever remember laughing or being allowed to be silly. My kids are in their 20s now and we still act out scenes from The Muppets, complete with silly voices, and howl with laughter.

I would say lack of self esteem and lack of self confidence are pretty likely impacts.
(as evidenced very clearly by you considering that this might be in any way at all, your fault).

Children need to be loved and cared for - have you read up on attachment disorder OP? Money will never make up for love.

I realise I’m probably starting to drip feed here but theres also stuff I should mention like the fact I was left behind, like left at school at the end of term (my siblings were collected at home time but not me), left behind in a museum (think I was about 5 or 6, and I distinctly remember being absolutely terrified) , left alone at home (watching parent driving off, not knowing when they’d be back)

But I regularly get told how lucky we were as children to have all the material things, that we had such an amazing childhood as a result. That’s why I’m convinced it’s my fault I’m messed up cos surely it can’t have been that bad?

Sounds awful, OP. Have you had any therapy?

The fact that you’re thinking about it means you’re not going to repeat it. But some support might be helpful.

OP
that was absolutely not your fault. None of it. You were a child. But IME an over developed sense of responsibility is a common by product of the dysfunctional parenting I received. Yours sounds similar. Therapy has helped me a lot. Might be worth looking into. And try to be kind to yourself.

Oh yes I’ve had therapy for 8 years already and have been on antidepressants for about 15 years. I’m still not convinced it’s just “depression and anxiety” that perhaps I’ve got bipolar or BPD or something. I’m def not right in the head, I’ve never “fitted in”, I got kicked out of school in year 7 cos I couldn’t keep up academically (private school). Something about me just isn’t quite right.

Something about me just isn’t quite right.

Oh, OP, this is such a sad thing to read. No one here can tell you whether there’s anything “wrong” but what strongly comes across is how your parents’ failure to parent you with love and kindness has affected you. I’m so sorry that this happened to you.

But don’t you think I should just be over it by now? Like I just need to let it go? I’ve been told by my stepmum (oh yeah another thing, I was mute as a teenager then my parents divorced) that I’ve got no reason to be depressed.

You're traumatised, OP, it's not a case of just getting over it. You've done nothing wrong. The reason you feel like you don't fit in and as though there is something wrong with you is because of your parents' cruel rejection.

I find it pretty shocking that you've had 8 years of therapy and you still can't question the thoughts that you should "be over it" or should "let it go". Even if those thoughts still appear in your head, aren't you yet able to get enough distance from them to BOTH experience them and question their validity internally? Can't you yet say to yourself "that's just a thought, OF COURSE you don't just 'get over' massive attachment trauma", even if you find it hard to feel/believe that still, and are still experiencing emotional consequences, isn't there some space to question rationally? After 8 years? I'm fairly shocked at the quality of your therapy experience tbh.

I do get what you’re saying but those views that somehow I’m flawed because of how I’m still affected by this are so deeply ingrained I don’t believe any therapist will be able to solve. My therapist helps me each week to deal with day to day stuff that I struggle to process, and what probably complicates all this is the fact that I’m in regular contact with my family including my parents, mainly via WhatsApp (but I see them in person prob every couple of months). I don’t know whether I’m always yearning to be told they’re proud of me or that they love me.

I wonder if it might help you to do some self educating around psychology, child development and attachment theories and their impact on people as they grow up? It might help you understand why you haven't woken up one day "over it" and why it's not about being able to "just let it go". Those early childhood experiences/relationships/traumas can be so damaging.

What type of therapy have you had? Was it for your depression/anxiety and with a counsellor? If you've not seen one already, maybe look at seeing a psychotherapist or counselling psychologist and asking to look at and resolve the feelings you have around your experiences from childhood. Obviously you may have already done that but just a thought.

I can't imagine anyone who has those memories and feelings of not being loved or remembered by their family would just get over it!

Oh and sorry to keep drip feeding, it’s just that I keep remembering stuff that’s relevant. I’ve had several episodes of suicidal ideation (including one overdose attempt) and have been hospitalised once before too.

Material things and money mean nothing but the slightest physical touch means the world, just a pat on my arm is treasured. I can't remember my parents ever hugging me or saying they love me.

Declarations of love are largely irrelevant to children. Children should feel loved and valued, but that does not necessarily correlate to verbal declarations

It'd have meant more than being told they wanted a lovely child but got me instead. Words are powerful things.

You won't start to heal until you let go of that need for love and approval from them. It's a hard point to get to but once you do it's so freeing. Then you have to learn to recognise your pride in yourself and learn to love yourself. You are enough. You do not need validation from others to love yourself and be proud of your achievements. After this, it's years of unpicking things you didn't realise were learnt behaviours either due to abuse or neglect. But that's easy compared to the other two steps. It took me a course of counselling with a psychological child abuse specialist, confronting my parent, (calmly) and then years of trying to square the circle that was my upbringing. Now I have occasional contact via text or insta but that's it.

im watching my friend go through the same thing but with added complications. It's so hard as it takes years to be able to say "I am enough". Logically, if you didn't like someone due to their personality/behaviours, you wouldn't be seeking their validation of your actions and choices. Just because someone procreates, it doesn't make them a parent.

My therapist helps me each week to deal with day to day stuff that I struggle to process

You need a therapist experienced in working with developmental trauma, helping with day to day processing isn’t getting underneath to the heart of the issue. It’s not something CBT, for example, can deal with - you need someone who works relationally to help provide a safe space to explore beyond day to day functioning. It’s not something you just get over, but you can heal.

Read up on Dan Hughs and Bowbys theory on attachment .
You therapist should be trauma informed or an attachment expert..you can right this with the correct work, your building blocks have gaps in and you can fill them in time.
Well.done for thinking through your parenting style too because it's not easy after a traumatic history.
Dm me if you need help finding anything out.

My parents have never been ones to tell me they love me (I can't remember it ever happening, nor can I remember ever being hugged). I do have low self esteem but there are clear causes of that like being fat and really quite ugly so I'm not sure the two are related. Perhaps they are.

My parents were quite detached when I was growing up. They kept me safe, fed and clothed me etc but I faced much criticism from them and rarely ever any praise. I don’t remember any praise. It’s left me with difficulties forming attachments with partners although my subsequent experiences with partners has also had a negative effect on me. I let my daughter know every day that I love her. She is very tactile and I always wonder how my own mother feels when she sees my child come and hug me and tell me she loves me.