Lack of affection and love - what impact would it have?

[LongTermIssues]

If a person spent their entire childhood never being told they’re loved, what impact would this have later in life? Would material possessions / nice holidays / private education etc etc make up for the total lack of declarations of love? Within this is also the lack of any kind of pride or general affection.

Its probably pretty obvious this is my situation. I’m in my late 30s, have 2 kids but have some pretty severe mental health probs but am desperate not to repeat the experience I had myself as I feel it’s totally f*ed me up but I don’t know if it’s just my fault that I’ve caused these problems I now have?

I got no love from my parents. They had money so I was seen as 'spoilt' from the outside but I now understand that I experienced emotional abuse and emotional neglect.

It's more complicated now I have an adult ASD diagnosis. I believe both my parents are also autistic. For this reason I've forgiven them for my childhood as I realise they didn't act from malice but from a lack of capacity to show love/affection.

I think this has made it easier for me to recover in the last couple of years.

The problem is, I struggle to accept that any of this is traumatic, or abuse in any sense because I wasn’t physically abused. There was no violence or any physical abuse and I was clothed and fed etc. (bear in mind my dad had grown up in a physically abusive household so we were being brought up brilliantly in his eyes cos there was no violence)
Like there are children who go through so much worse so why am I the one complaining ? That’s why I can’t help think it’s my fault that I’m struggling all these years later.

Acceptance is key.

It sounds like your father had a physically abusive childhood and for HIM he has overcome something huge ie not hitting you, does he expect you to be grateful? Or is he just happy to spare you his experience? It is a big achievement, I am not making light of your father's efforts. However his restraint sounds like it went too far, he did not connect with you as a child and left you without affection or feeling loved. He loved you enough to want something different for you, to do what he could to provide a better life. It is very sad that he couldn't also be affectionate, as it is important, but maybe he just wasn't capable of giving that to you as well? It sounds like he is damaged, but also like he tried...is that right?

Why didn't your mother hug you? Did she have another reason?

I found knowing there were real reasons for a lack of decent parenting helped me accept it more easily. Accepting that the only person responsible now for my well being is me, and I can find affection and love and good friendships and comfort myself in times of need. Becoming functional, emotionally independent and responsible was important, expect wobbles but the buck stops with you when it comes to your adult life and well being.

You won't ever get over these things, but you can learn to accept them as part of your past. You can make it up to yourself by having friends and people that love you, by feeling comforted that your children won't endure the same and each generation is a slow improvement on the last.

Look at the bigger picture, and your place - and maybe dwelling on it every week for eight years is not helping, try CBT or psychodynamic counselling? Or have a break and see if you feel better?

I'm relating to all that you're describing, OP. No matter what, you feel you must be wrong, must be missing something, should be over it by now, can't do anything right and so on.

My parents never showed us any affection. They never told us they loved us. And I came out of it thinking that I was a monster, someone completely unlovable, that no-one would ever care for me, a failure. I still have very poor self-esteem and much of the time have zero confidence in myself. I do know, though, that my destructive thoughts are completely rooted in this and that it's not my fault. It's still bloody hard to remember this when I'm in the midst of a downward spiral, though.

Your feelings and thoughts of there being something else wrong with you likely stem from your parents' failures in your upbringing, too. Please don't look for other deficiencies or problems in yourself as that is taking the responsibility on yourself; you should not be blaming yourself for any of this.

I am sorry you feel that something about you is not right - but objectively that makes no sense.

You are simply a human being whose life experiences, particularly as a child, have been negative. That will inevitably impact on who you are now and how you lead your life.

But you do have the choice not to let this define your life. I had a similar childhood, and there came a point when I just said to myself that I was not going to let this unfortunate start bugger up the rest of my life. I too asked myself whether it really was so bad, as no-one looking on from the outside would have had any clue how difficult things were.

Let me be honest - your parents are never going to be something they are not - they are not suddenly going to start telling you they love you, piling on praise for your successes etc. - that is not who they are, and craving this will keep you stalled in this loop for ever.

One of the ways I overcame this was to make sure that my DC knew for sure that they were loved, that we were always there for them, that there was nothing they could do that would shake our faith in them and support for them. For me that was the way to overcome the shortcomings of my childhood - and the reward now is to see my dear AC making their way in the world with confidence and integrity. Let that be your focus; your reward for the negative things that crowd your mind. It is truly a great source of happiness to me.

It is immensely damaging to be emotionally neglected. You are in no way responsible and it is not surprising you feel detached or that you don't fit in. A secure emotional attachment would have helped you develop a sense of belonging, a sense of self as a guide and without it it can get very confusing about how to feel. In a way it would be easier if they had hit you, as most people agree that's not ok but trying to explain emotional neglect is so tricky, it often feels as if it wasn't as bad as it could be or you somehow misinterpreted your experience.

Maybe you do need to see another therapist as getting by day to day should not be the aspiration.

My little theory is sometimes our adult selves need to parent our child selves. Look back at the child you were not with bewilderment as to why you weren't enough to be loved but how confusing and difficult it was for you as a child and somehow you made it through. You're still here and you get to write your story from now on.

It can be hard staying in contact but it can be helpful. Understanding the context for certain behaviours or patterns and becoming a parent myself made me realise how perverse it is to attach love to a person's achievements. It was kind of liberating to realise my individual qualities aren't what influence my treatment as they aren't even noticed.

I hope you can see your loveable, perfectly imperfect self and take joy wherever you can.

Thank you. I’m sorry there are others who have been through the same thing.

i just can’t understand how I can be loved when I’m so utterly broken. It doesn’t help that I have several chronic illnesses and I’ve taken to binge eating so I’m fat too which doesn’t help cos I’m just disgusting. I don’t want my children to end up as messed up as I am.