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Original poster

Worried about DH, would this be weird?

46 replies

MolliciousIntent · 05/06/2022 13:21

So, context, we have a 2 DD, 3m and 2.5yrs, I'm currently on Mat Leave and DH works part time as a teacher but runs lots of hardcore extra curriculars that take up a LOT of time and energy, we're currently doing some work on the house and baby DD is not sleeping at all.

I'm knackered but coping, but DH seems to be on his knees. I've never seen him so tired in the 10+ years we've been together and there's no evidence of any break on the horizon, it's just one thing after another til mid 2023! He's soldiering on like an absolute trooper, when asked he says that he's fine, and he's resistant to me taking on any extra to give him more of a break, but he's becoming increasingly exhausted and I'm worried he's going to burn out.

Would it be weird for me to book him a hotel nearby for a night and pack him off there after work? I really think he needs the break but I'm worried he'd... Well. I don't know what I'm worried about. That he'd be offended? That he'd feel guilty? How would your spouses react to this? How would you react to this? Is this an OK thing to do or is it mollycoddling?

OP posts:
BreakinbadBreakineven · 05/06/2022 13:23

Christ I would LOVE it if my partner had cared this much for me post children! I would do it.

DariaMorgendorffer · 05/06/2022 13:28

I think it's a kind and caring thing to do. You sound lovely.

redskyatnight · 05/06/2022 13:32

I'd have loved a break when mine were that age, but I would have hated having to go to a hotel. What I would really have loved would be for DH to have taken the children away for a night (which I know would be more work).

So I think it's a lovely thing to do, but only you will know whether it's right for your DH.

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Families
girlmom21 · 05/06/2022 13:34

It's a lovely idea but will a night away help?
Would a massage or something be beneficial while he's there?

Original poster
MolliciousIntent · 05/06/2022 13:37

redskyatnight · 05/06/2022 13:32

I'd have loved a break when mine were that age, but I would have hated having to go to a hotel. What I would really have loved would be for DH to have taken the children away for a night (which I know would be more work).

So I think it's a lovely thing to do, but only you will know whether it's right for your DH.

This is a very good point, and I think part of the reason why I feel a bit weird about it, I'm not sure how he'd feel about going to a hotel.

But the issue with going away and leaving him at home is that I know for a fact he would not relax and would instead spend the whole time getting the thousands of outstanding jobs done. Which defeats the point.

OP posts:
Crunchymum · 05/06/2022 13:52

Missing the point a little here but surely being run ragged for a PT wage doesn't make sense?

Is there anything he can drop? If he's not being paid then I imagine he's not contracted in any way (and yes he'll probably feel terrible but who will be running all of his commitments when he burns out, surely better to drop what he can)

Mellowyellow222 · 05/06/2022 14:10

A night away with some sleep sounds lovely.

but it won’t fix the problem. Why has he taken on so much extra work? It sounds like it is too much.

what are his part time hours? Is the extra stuff voluntary?

he needs to sit down, review what he has on and make some decisions.

would it be better if he worked full time with no extras?

Ihatethenewlook · 05/06/2022 14:14

Whys he doing all of the extra curriculars? He’s not doing his family or himself any favours. Also I wouldn’t like to be packed away to a hotel for the night on my own. Could you organise a babysitter for a night and go with him at least?

worraliberty · 05/06/2022 14:23

This is a question for him, not Mumsnet.

Ask him if he wants to stay overnight in a hotel and if he doesn't, ask him what he would like right now. If the answer is "nothing", then go with that.

No-one here knows him.

Original poster
MolliciousIntent · 05/06/2022 14:28

The extra curriculars are usually very manageable, and he does get paid additionally for running them. It's just a bit of a perfect storm this year, in terms of non-sleeping newborn and extras and building work. But I see your point, this could well be something that needs reviewing.

I'd love to get a babysitter and go with him, but unfortunately I'm breastfeeding so that will have to wait.

OP posts:
MiddleParking · 05/06/2022 14:34

I wouldn’t find this that helpful during newborn and general life knackeredness, one night doesn’t really scratch the surface. I’d look for longer term solutions since it’s a longer term problem. For both of you, not just him.

hitrewind · 05/06/2022 14:35

Sweet idea.

My DP wouldn't be able to enjoy it – he'd just be thinking of all the things he needed to do backing up behind him / feeling guilty for being 'a burden'.

But that's my DP. As @worraliberty says – no way of knowing unless you ask him.

Sponge19 · 05/06/2022 14:36

This sounds so lovely of you, truly. You sound like a great team. If you can afford it I’d definitely do it.

Basilbrushgotfat · 05/06/2022 14:38

You sound like a wonderful couple :)

I hope I end up in a relationship as lovely this one day.

Ihatethenewlook · 05/06/2022 14:50

There’s always around breastfeeding if that’s the only thing stopping you. Could you start expressing a bit and getting the baby used to the bottle? Alternatively if you really can’t go, could you organise a night out for your oh and one of his friends or something? Pp who said that you need to ask your oh is right, it depends on what he wants. I just know I’d find a night in a hotel on my own pretty miserable

Ariela · 05/06/2022 14:57

What about booking a hotel not too far away for you BOTH and asking a trusted friend or relative, or perhaps better a couple to come and stay/or kids go to theirs and look after both kids overnight/breakfast next morning so you get an evening out and a decent lie in?

Ariela · 05/06/2022 14:59

Of course you'd have to express and freeze milk in advance & likely pump and dump while away, but I'm sure it'd be a good break

JennyForeigner · 05/06/2022 15:04

Can't you 'gift' him a day instead? We have been through a similarly nuts few years (major build, job changes, three under three). DH has taken a day a couple of times and gone for a long walk with a friend or music festival or similar. It has recharged him in a way that wouldn't work for me.

Cameleongirl · 05/06/2022 15:10

I’d offer to do this and see what he says. Personally, I love a night in a hotel on my own, even though I have teenagers now. I have a nice meal and a couple of glasses of wine, watch whatever I feel like on TV and have a good natter with friends. And sleep!

It’s a lovely thought, OP, so offer it and make sure you emphasize that you’ll be absolutely fine at home, or he may refuse to go.

HotPotatoWithMayo · 05/06/2022 15:38

Op it's a lovely idea.. also agree with previous posters that it may be worth reviewing the load.. although be careful where you book and when you book if you do.. some hotels can be quite noisy in corridors and doors closing and could end up being more disturbing to sleep xx all the best you sound lovely Flowers

Minimalme · 05/06/2022 22:55

This will sound unsupportive but I have worked with people in the past who are always busy and permanently on the brink of burnout.

Sometimes I have held down the same job as them, with the same workload with even more going in at home and they have still been busier and more 'on the brink' than me.

Is he actually doing the building work op? Did he go pt to accommodate that?

He needs to work out a solution for himself and a night in a hotel isn't going to help him do that.

You have just given birth and look after two young children and living in a house with building work. You have a husband who is permanently out running extra curricular which is a massive earner, which you do long days living in a house where building h work is going on.

And yet you are not on the brink.

Minimalme · 05/06/2022 22:56

Which isn't a massive earner, while...sorry lots of typos

Daisy4569 · 05/06/2022 23:05

I bought my DH a spa day for very similar reasons (exhausted and small child), I also wasn’t sure how he’d take it but he was hugely excited about it 😂

Original poster
MolliciousIntent · 06/06/2022 00:04

@Minimalme I see where you're coming from, but this is definitely an acute situation not a chronic one.

He's part time to accommodate childcare, the building project is a short term thing that is v labour intensive but should be finished soon. Likewise the work extras will be over in a month or so. Hopefully too the baby will sleep better once the 4m sleep regression is out of the way. the current situation is definitely short term.

I'm not on the brink because I'm not dealing with nearly as much as he is, and I get a lot more opportunity to rest, as I'm on Mat Leave.

I know this is Mumsnet so as a man he is automatically in the wrong but I promise, he's a good, hardworking man who does more than his share and is currently struggling in a temporary set of circumstances.

OP posts:
deckthewall · 06/06/2022 00:09

Minimalme · 05/06/2022 22:55

This will sound unsupportive but I have worked with people in the past who are always busy and permanently on the brink of burnout.

Sometimes I have held down the same job as them, with the same workload with even more going in at home and they have still been busier and more 'on the brink' than me.

Is he actually doing the building work op? Did he go pt to accommodate that?

He needs to work out a solution for himself and a night in a hotel isn't going to help him do that.

You have just given birth and look after two young children and living in a house with building work. You have a husband who is permanently out running extra curricular which is a massive earner, which you do long days living in a house where building h work is going on.

And yet you are not on the brink.

This

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