Worried about DH, would this be weird?

[MolliciousIntent]

So, context, we have a 2 DD, 3m and 2.5yrs, I'm currently on Mat Leave and DH works part time as a teacher but runs lots of hardcore extra curriculars that take up a LOT of time and energy, we're currently doing some work on the house and baby DD is not sleeping at all.

I'm knackered but coping, but DH seems to be on his knees. I've never seen him so tired in the 10+ years we've been together and there's no evidence of any break on the horizon, it's just one thing after another til mid 2023! He's soldiering on like an absolute trooper, when asked he says that he's fine, and he's resistant to me taking on any extra to give him more of a break, but he's becoming increasingly exhausted and I'm worried he's going to burn out.

Would it be weird for me to book him a hotel nearby for a night and pack him off there after work? I really think he needs the break but I'm worried he'd... Well. I don't know what I'm worried about. That he'd be offended? That he'd feel guilty? How would your spouses react to this? How would you react to this? Is this an OK thing to do or is it mollycoddling?

"I know this is Mumsnet so as a man he is automatically in the wrong"

Wow, OP.

I was going to respond thoughtfully but I really can't see the point when this is your preconceived idea of the people you are asking advice from.

Go well.

"He's soldiering on like an absolute trooper"

Lol.

Do you usually infantilise him to this extent?

@deckthewall I was being a little facetious, but to be honest I think the implication in the comment in question that he's just being a bit wet and should suck it up really got my back up. I also think it's undeniable that this site is very harsh on men a lot of the time.

I don't know what your finances are like, but at that time in our lives, I don't think dh or I would particularly enjoy a night in a local hotel because I/he would be thinking about what else we could have done with the money - like paying for someone to do some of the building project, or other jobs he is / you are doing, and just go for a really long sleep at a mate's house or family member's house which would gain the same number of hours sleep, without the cost.

I'm also thinking - imagine if you paid for this and then the hotel room was above their party room, or there was some building work going on outside his hotel window early the next morning.
It's a lovely thought, but I am not sure it is that practical.
Though, as a pp said, perhaps ask him, as different people would respond differently.

@Kite22 a local room on a week night would run me less than £50 which I can easily afford, but good point about the party room!

I’d love it if a DP did this for me.

My DH would hate this idea passionately. He’s shit at being alone and he’d not relax in a hotel so it would be a pointless expense, and then I’d be annoyed when he wasn’t grateful for a thing I’d bloody love.

So… it depends! Would your particular bloke find this a chance to kick back and relax? Or are you imagining what you’d like? Is there something he’d find as rejuvenating/more relaxing instead? Only you know.

Your DH works part time as a teacher, is presumably due a break next month and he appears to be at breaking point?

That isn’t an issue one night in a hotel is going to fix, he needs to reassess his workload.

I've explained upthread that we're in a bit of a perfect storm at the moment, as a one-off. In 7 weeks we will be in a very different boat and life will be much easier.

Ask him? I personally wouldn’t want to be away from my family for the night, plus you don’t sleep as well in a strange place.

I think I might have been like you 2 years ago. We had a 6 month old and my husband was exhausted, so desperate to help, but was driving us both demented. We ended up getting couples counseling which turned out to be surprisingly helpful. We were told to read a book called love languages which helped us figure out what kind of people we are and what we like (I’m a gift giver, he likes doing things for people “acts of kindness”), just figuring out what makes us each feel good and how to match it was useful. We talked a lot about how to share parenting responsibilities, communicate and give each other scheduled time off to literally just go for a run. We were basically exhausted and just not communicating, nothing unfixable. See if a wee chat and arranging time to yourselves (both of you) helps. Good luck!

Which country are you in, has he not just had half term?

Could you not express some breast milk, leave the kids with family for few hours, order a takeaway, run you both nice hot baths, force DH to go bed early and then gave kids dropped off? Or if you feel he needs total alone time maybe take kids to stay with you overnight at family?

Or a spa day for you both?

Yes, and he has been flat out

When my DH has needed a break because he's ill he's slept in the spare room or in our room and I've had both kids in DDs room.

I hope he can make it to summer then find a better balance. He will make himself Ill if he continues.

maybe he could chat to us gp over the summer? Just incase.

sometime life is a lot - and it good to acknowledge that

@Mellowyellow222 I think he's fine emotionally, just physically completely exhausted. He's terrible at resting, always on the go, and when he was 25 he could do that but he can't anymore!

Some really excellent suggestions and points of view here, thank you so much guys. Gonna go for spare room first, then a call to his mates and a low key evening at the pub. I think also I can probably take over a lot of the building stuff for the next month until the work stuff dies down, and by early July we should be back in reasonable shape. By which point the baby should be able to go longer than her current 40min without boob, and I might be able to treat him to a few hours at our local schmancy spa. Will keep the hotel room in the locker just in case. Roll on DD being six months, weaning and sleep training!

Update in case anyone cares - DH was supposed to have a full on weekend of the school stuff this week but it's been cancelled and so I suggested go on a spontaneous holiday to the coast for a few nights. Obviously it's not a rest, cos toddler and baby, but it will be a change and an adventure and he loves those. I also banished him to the spare room at the weekend and he's been getting actual sleep and looking less grey. Thank you all so much for your advice.

Great news. Hopefully he is feeling brighter! And hope you enjoyed it too😊

You are so sweet 🥲

It's so wonderful to read a thread about a loving, mutually supportive marriage. Glad he's feeling better :)

Great news! I found that having DH sleep in the spare room was the best strategy for us during those exhausting first months, then at least one of us was getting decent sleep. 😂.