how to not regret the last few years of my life

[drinkallthecoffee]

I just found some pictures of myself from six years ago. I was only 20 then and didn't realise how pretty I looked.

26 now and I have really let myself go. I've put on a lot of weight - I weigh just over 18st now and my BMI is morbidly obese. I hate myself and don't look after myself so my hair is all dry and knotty and because of my weight I find it hard to dress.

So many times I say I'm going to try and do better but I just find it so hard.

One thing that holds me back is that I feel like there's no point. I know everyone here will say I'm still so young, and I know this. I know I'm lucky because right now I'm single, no kids and I can do whatever I want. But I don't feel like I can because of how much I hate myself and that holds me back.

I'm very aware that those years are gone now. I hear people call their early 20s the best years of their lives. And I threw them away. I know two years were in lockdown but I still could've done things to make changes.

I feel like even I were able to get the motivation to make changes, what's the point now? I would still be thinking, all those years were wasted. All that youth from 20-26 just thrown away. It feels too late now.

I see other girls that look amazing at my age and think, but they've looked that way since they were 20/21 etc. They didn't let themselves go in between. How come I'm the only one who ended up like this? Why do I now have to try harder when no one else had to, they just stayed looking good? It's making me angry at everybody.

Please be gentle with me. I'm very fragile. I know I'm still young. I know some people prefer their 30s. But where I am right now it's hard to see it that way. It's hard to be around so many beautiful women wondering what I'd look like now if I hadn't become this way.

I hate that the way I look is affecting my whole life. I don't do anything, I don't put myself out there. In fact, I usually push people away because I feel like if they get to know me they'll realise I'm a horrible person.

Please does anyone have any advice to help me see past this regret. I'm on a waiting list for counselling but have had lots of therapy in the past for other things too which have never seemed to help.

You need to have some counselling, to get to the root of your self-hatred. It's bigger than how you look.

I would also recommend going for some exercise every day, even just a gentle swim or a brisk walk, not to lose weight but because it will do wonders for your mental well-being.

You could be looking back from 30 wondering why you wasted the years from 26-30 despising yourself. Don't let that happen.

Oh OP, I'm so sorry you're in such a low place. You sound so sad and I feel for you. I think often feelings of regret like this can be symptoms of anxiety- as though your life had to be somehow perfect and 'maxed out' at all times?! Fwiw I definitely didn't experience my 20s as the best years whatsoever. To me early 20s is prime angst/insecurity/still needing to find yourself time. Please be kind and patient with yourself. You will get there. Small steps - you can lose some weight again if you want to, but you're also awesome as you are. Maybe try to focus on bigger things in your life? What is important to you? What do you dream of? How would you want to influence society for the better? What values do you want to honour for yourself? In my experience the 30s is when some of the anxiety of the 20s naturally settles down a bit.

I’m sorry you’re feeling this way.

you're right though. You are still young. Please don’t give up on yourself yet.

counselling is a good start. Also setting yourself small goals which are achievable. Like aiming for 15/20 mins exercise a day. Maybe making some changes to your diet to try and feel a bit healthier. also doing nice things for you that you enjoy. You need to remind yourself that you are worth spoiling every now and again.

maybe you will be one of these people who much prefer their 30s. I think I’m happier in my 30s and just more comfortable in my own skin. Hopefully this will come to you too. But for now just try and be kind to yourself and make small changes.

FWIW my 20s were complete dog shit, like hideous. I was SO uncomfortable in my own skin and spent most of it an anxious mess worrying about how I didn’t have my shit together. Turned 30 and it was like everything shifted. Much happier and more comfortable in my 30s.

BUT you need to start investing in yourself, for yourself. Counselling, a healthy lifestyle, self care. Start small and manageable but remember you are the master of your own destiny and you’ll thank yourself when your life doesn’t look or feel this way. You can do this.

Agree with others that you make small changes that you can face. A short walk outside as the lovely weather can really lift your mood. If it's raining don't go but go the next day. You are worth it.

You regret the last few years but they are such a small percentage of a full life span. You've hardly started as an adult. Try to look forward and outwards while you wait for the counselling, perhaps try volunteering?

It's normal to feel sad about a period of life that hasn't been happy. But your feelings that it somehow isn't worth picking yourself up aren't rational - so it sounds like you are depressed.

The key thing to understand that feelings aren't facts - just because you feel it's hopeless, doesn't mean it is. It clearly isn't - you are only 26. Not only do you have loads of life left, you have loads of youth left.

Start by going to see your GP. They will be able to help you access counselling and and may also suggest medication. You might need to try different kinds of counselling, but CBT is both standard and a good place to start - it will help you reframe your thinking, which is the first step to getting back on track.

Do make an appointment with your GP asap. Over the phone will be fine if they are still doing that.

Also knock off social media.

I second the exercise suggestion. Not to change your weight but because it has transformed how I feel about my body. I spent my 20s consumed with self loathing. Literally: I had anorexia and was 38kg at my lowest. I looked not just hideous but nightmarish: I scared small children. Obesity is harder in many ways, I know, but I have never had the creeps from someone because they're overweight. Some awful people might judge you for having obesity, but they won't be genuinely scared of you. They'll just be arseholes. Thanks to therapy, healthy food and yoga, I'm truly a different person now. I'd like to shift a couple of post pregnancy kilos, but I'm at a healthy Bmi and I feel good. Yoga worked for me, but find your thing - the thing that makes you feel 'wow, my body just did something amazing ' , or 'wow, that feels amazing ' . And take it from there. I'm in my 30s now, and don't regret any of those agonising years in my 20s - they're your chance to show yourself and those demons that make you hate yourself that you are genuinely incredible - strong, brave, tough, 'master of your fate, captain of your soul ' (W.E. Henley poem which you should read...)

Sorry - I missed that you were on the list for counselling and have tried it previously.

It would be worth digging into why you don't think it helped, but it may simply be that you are one of the people who needs medication to avoid depression.

So, go to the GP and talk about trying medication as a start. You can have counselling alongside it, which may work better once medication lifts your mood.

I'm so sorry you feel this way.
It's not the same, but I was in an abusive relationship for most of my twenties, and spent a lot of time afterwards feeling extremely resentful that those 7 years were essentially wasted.. Supposed to be the best best years of my life, and they were just full of misery and pain.

It's not what you want to hear, but I'm mid thirties now and my life is pretty bloody amazing, I don't even care about those wasted years anymore, I don't waste any more of my extremely precious life thinking about it!

Exercise is so important.. Find something you enjoy (weight training is my thing..hate cardio!!). I still eat too much chocolate, but I exercise enough to burn those calories off 😉

If you want your future to be better than your present, then that can definitely happen if you make it so!

You have to learn to become your very best friend, people will come and go in life but you are your very own constant. You have to kind of parent yourself, if you get your sleep, diet and exercise right, you cant go far wrong. If one or more of those is out of balance, you won' t feel as good.
I work on my outer self as well as my inner. I' m careful how l talk to myself, l' m mindful of negative thoughts, l am open to change and improvement.
l would read up on anything to do with self love and put it into practice, it will make a positive difference.

Thank you for being so kind everyone.

I think the thing that someone said about your early 20s being the time when you find yourself is what gets me too because as I get closer to 27 I feel like I missed that part. I never did find myself. And it feels too late now when I see people even younger than me that have found themselves.

I know I need to get out of this mindset but it's so hard.

I am already on antidepressants. I've been on them a long time and have tried lots of different ones and different doses.

I will try and make some small changes.

Thank you again

Hi OP, I hear you - I have plenty of regrets about my 20s. And 30s, in fact.

Tbh I've never managed to shake off these regrets, put them to bed, whatever you want to call it. I've just plodded on regardless. And I've made it to 50, and I'm OK , just about.

I saw a film once with a pair of conjoined twins in it of whom one goes to seed, starts drinking and becomes unconscious, so the 'straight' one has to lug him about. Regrets feel a bit like that, like dragging a miserable, paralysed conjoined twin around.

To stay in the image, you've got to be gentle with the blind drunk twin but even more make sure that the coherent one is OK. Focus on the positives, try to be forgiving with yourself.

And: sometimes it's good to focus away from yourself. People are interesting if you look closely. Lots of stuff is interesting. Find your interesting stuff and follow your curiosity. Then the matted hair will matter less, and thereby, weirdly, will be easier to un-mat.

All of this is guesswork, of course. But I hope, and trust, you'll find something that works.

You can't change the past, OP, but you can change the future. FWIW, best years of my life so far has been late 20s/30s....early 20s, nope,
You definitely do NOT find yourself in your early 20s (well, most people don't, I'd say) 30s/40s and upwards, definitely.
See your GP and ask for referral to a weight management programme. Also, you might be a candidate for ozempic/saxenda-daily injections that control appetite. I'd also enquire about counselling/psychotherapy---you may be able to self-refer/ go through GP/ or go private.

I will try and make some small changes.

You certainly need some counselling and need to push hard for it. This is your life we are talking about and only you are at the helm to steer it from birth to death.

But incremental changes don't do anything. You need to drop some heavy stones from your back whether that is toxic relatives, toxic job, toxic area. Do big things. Tweaking at life does nothing.

Emotional intelligence- use it. What’s the point of dwelling on what you can’t change? Absolutely no fucking point at all.

So change what you can and start now. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and get your arse into gear. You’re so ridiculously young- don’t be looking back 10 years from now stuck in the same cycle. It’s boring and it’s self indulgent.

I hated my 20s, just fyi.

Put it this way: would you rather have wasted 20-26, or 20-36? Or 46?

It’s up to you. Simple, but so difficult. But, still up to you.

The people you see and admire / resent because they have their lives together and sorted have just as many hang ups as you, just different ones. I have a friend with a daughter. The daughter is 20 something. She is tall, blonde and so pretty. You would see her in the street and think 'wow her life must be amazing' . In reality she developed orthorexia at 17 ( eating almost nothing and then exercising until you collapse), hated her figure and starved herself until her beautiful hair fell out. Her partner wants a family ,she is horrified about the idea of being pregnant and how her body will change. You have your hang ups Op and everyone else has theirs. You only know about you. Counselling is a good step. Exercise will make you feel better and , as a side benefit, it will help you lose weight. Don't judge yourself against other people. You can make your life better Forget about what is gone. I spent my twenties married to the wrong man and having 2 horrendous pregnancies. My thirties were much better. My fifties are an absolute wonder. Life is a long journey and there us much joy to be had. The future starts tomorrow.

I am sorry you feel this way. A lot of people feel shit in thier twenties. The day before I turned thirty all I could think about was how glad I was they were over.
Sometimes the best motivation to change us not wanting to feel shit all the time. But only you will know when the time is right.

Have you tried visualisation techniques? Imagine yourself in 5 years time in 2 different paths:

1. what you look like, what you are doing with your life etc if things are staying exactly the same as they are now..
2. if you make changes from today.

then make a choice which path you want to carve for yourself.

That's a good idea. I'll try it, thank you.

I know I can't change the past but I can at least try and change from here going forward.

It's going to be so hard.

My only worry is trying that is what if i still don't get there. What if I try really hard and still fail.

When I was younger I couldn't wait to be older. I imagined what I was going to be like.

What a disappointment.

The only person in control of your future, is you!
So don't be afraid of making changes.
Of course you might fail, so what, just try again. Welcome to everyone else's life, ain't none of us plain sailing whatever you may think.
So feel the fear and do it anyway.

I can relate. I gained weight throughout my 20s. Lost it all in my 30s, then frustratingly regained for health reasons as I approached my 40s. Looking back I'd love it if I'd been thinner that whole time. However there is literally nothing you or I can do about that. Yesterday will always be yesterday, there is no changing the past.
So the focus has to be on the future and doing stuff that future you will appreciate. Do something nice for her every day. At your age and weight - again speaking from experience - it shouldn't take huge changes to lose weight slowly, just focus and control. When I lost in my 30s I ate chocolate pretty much every day still, but small amounts - a fun size Mars or something. I usually averaged a pound a week. Yes I could have lost faster but drastic changes weren't going to work for me. At a similar rate you could be 14 stone this time next year and I think feeling a lot better about yourself physically.
Aside from the weight though, work on other ways to be nice to both current and future you. Focus on the things you do like about you, not the things you don't. Doesn't matter what it is - remind yourself you have great eyelashes, have nice handwriting, give good hugs, have great manners, are good at a sport/ hobby etc. Keep being nice to you, you deserve it.
And give your hair some love with masks.

I was thin in my 20s and I much prefer my 30s. Just because the other girls look slim and pretty doesn't mean they don't have issues they are struggling with. Unfortunately, when you are anorexic or overweight (particularly) the symptom of your issues are visible for all to see and judge.

I struggled with so much in my 20s. It wasn't my best decade at all and I looked great. This all or nothing mentality doesn't help. You have the choice of doing nothing and then your 30s also will be wasted in self pity or do something now and enter your 30s, which is still young! with a healthier mind and body.

Being slim isn't just about men and relationships. Life is easier when you are at a healthier weight. You will feel the benefits of a healthier weight regardless of your age.

Life rarely turns out as planned. Ok these young women may not worry about putting a bikini on but you don't know what trauma or insecurities they have. They might have mental illness, personality disorder, been raped, traumatized, bereaved. If you're following them on social media make sure you stop because it's a highly curated fakefest.

You need counselling like others said. Not weight loss clubs, not a new diet, it's counselling.

I'm just regretting it all so much.

Not just how I look. But everything up until now. I never went to uni and bought a house when I was 20 so I feel like I never really cut the apron strings and had chance to become my own independent adult. I would love to move away now and have my own life but I just don't have the confidence to do it and I'm just feeling so crap about it all. Trapped here with no friends, no future its no way to live.