how to not regret the last few years of my life

[drinkallthecoffee]

I just found some pictures of myself from six years ago. I was only 20 then and didn't realise how pretty I looked.

26 now and I have really let myself go. I've put on a lot of weight - I weigh just over 18st now and my BMI is morbidly obese. I hate myself and don't look after myself so my hair is all dry and knotty and because of my weight I find it hard to dress.

So many times I say I'm going to try and do better but I just find it so hard.

One thing that holds me back is that I feel like there's no point. I know everyone here will say I'm still so young, and I know this. I know I'm lucky because right now I'm single, no kids and I can do whatever I want. But I don't feel like I can because of how much I hate myself and that holds me back.

I'm very aware that those years are gone now. I hear people call their early 20s the best years of their lives. And I threw them away. I know two years were in lockdown but I still could've done things to make changes.

I feel like even I were able to get the motivation to make changes, what's the point now? I would still be thinking, all those years were wasted. All that youth from 20-26 just thrown away. It feels too late now.

I see other girls that look amazing at my age and think, but they've looked that way since they were 20/21 etc. They didn't let themselves go in between. How come I'm the only one who ended up like this? Why do I now have to try harder when no one else had to, they just stayed looking good? It's making me angry at everybody.

Please be gentle with me. I'm very fragile. I know I'm still young. I know some people prefer their 30s. But where I am right now it's hard to see it that way. It's hard to be around so many beautiful women wondering what I'd look like now if I hadn't become this way.

I hate that the way I look is affecting my whole life. I don't do anything, I don't put myself out there. In fact, I usually push people away because I feel like if they get to know me they'll realise I'm a horrible person.

Please does anyone have any advice to help me see past this regret. I'm on a waiting list for counselling but have had lots of therapy in the past for other things too which have never seemed to help.

I really didn’t enjoy my late teens/ early 20s and had low confidence. My confidence began to increase once I hit mid twenties and I had some really good years aged 27 onwards.

My point is that you haven’t necessarily ‘lost’ anything. But it’s time gone. Agree that counselling and also being kind to yourself is a good step forward. It can get better.

Do you maybe think that if you did move away you could start over? You could be the 'new' you? Accept yourself, get yourself new clothes, get a new hair cut. Be the new you without striving to be the 20 year old you. Maybe pastures new would give your life some meaning and joy. Explore a new city, join some groups and behind your baggage?

*leave

Agreed, my best years were probably 25 to 26 until about 36. I looked great and felt great. It kind of went pear shaped after being diagnosed with IBD and falling into a bit of a dark hole. But that's for another thread 😊.

20s weren't great for me op.
Everyone's life path is different.
Be kind to yourself as you would be to a friend.

I think you can only appreciate in retrospect how young you actually were at any point in your life.

I’m 40 and trust me, 26 is still very young.
You have plenty of time to turn your life around, including moving away and training for a new career if you want to. Also, I don’t know anyone who bought their first home at 20. 30-something is more usual.

It sounds as though your feelings about your weight are really dragging you down and making everything seem hopeless. Have you spoken to your GP for advice and support about losing weight? Please be kind to yourself and try to look forwards to the future you want.

This sounds amazing. But I just couldn't do it. I'd have to get a new job, probably downsize, upset my cats by moving them and then what happens when I do need my family support and they're miles away 😞

My only worry is trying that is what if i still don't get there. What if I try really hard and still fail.

It doesn’t matter! You may or may not end up where you planned, but at least you’ll enjoy the journey more.

I understand. You have cats, that's lovely. Do your cats love you? Are they welcoming when you come. Maybe see yourself in your cats eyes. You are their person. They adore you. You need to find a way of seeing yourself as someone who deserves to be happy. Your past has happened now, don't let it ruin your future. You sound like such a lovely person. I didn't go to uni either, I haven't got a career and I didn't get a house until my late 20s and only because I met my partner. Things will get better for you Op but you need to 'forgive' yourself for what ever you think you've done wrong.

Thank you for being so kind everyone

Rooting for you @drinkallthecoffee
Can I recommend that you treat yourself like you would a good friend?
Make small changes...look for some clothes that suit you as you are now.
Add in good habits- one at a time:
Drink water
Take a daily vitamin
Brisk 20 min walk a day.
Stuff like that.

I listened to a lovely podcast by Michael Mosely called Just One Thing. The episodes are short but very interesting. All little things that you can implement to make you feel better and healthier. Quite MH focused, but not all.
I am in my 50s and still loving life. My teens and twenties were a bit rocky and I made some questionable decisions. Yet here I am - all the decisions I ever made, plus a bit of fate, have made me who I am, and I'm happy with that.
You'll do fine

Well if you're fat and didn't used to be and have dry hair and miserable unmotivated depressing thoughts then get your thyroid checked first, then start the rest of it. In my case it turned out not to be an underactive thyroid or anaemia or anything, it was a stressful job that I dumped (not instantly- I wasted about 5 or 6 years longer than I should have) and felt a good bit better straight away. That job dragged me down much more than I realised at the time.

And as PPs have said- do unto yourself as you would do to others. You wouldn't say to a friend jeez look at the state of you. You'd be kind and help them.

I think the statement about twenties being the best years of your life are overrated. Mine certainly weren't; I was plagued by appalling mental health and insecurity and didn't truly come into my own until my late 30s/early 40s. In fact I'm still finding myself even now really. I definitely look better now than I did in my mid-thirties when I was having a nervous breakdown & piled on the weight & didn't look after myself.
The insecurity about your looks sounds like it's coming from somewhere deeper though and isn''t actually about how you look at all. Once you start to feel better inside the rest will kind of slot into place.

Re therapists - it can take a while to find the right one so just because it hasn't worked in the past doesn't mean it won't in future. I've had therapists who actively made me worse before I found my current amazing one.

Other people have their own insecuriries too despite what they're projecting on the outside especially on social media. And they may be looking at YOU feeling envious that your life seems so much better than theirs!

I agree with buying clothes that fit you now and make you feel better about yourself. Once you start feeling better about yourself you may find that you treat yourself better, have a kinder opinion of yourself and actually stop beating yourself up so much.

Of course it's not too late! You've had plenty of ideas for how to help now but I'll tell you as well that the years from 25+ have been great in different ways so still plenty to make the most of. Most people spend some time figuring out who they are at some point and it's a rubbish experience but I've felt so much better for doing it because knowing who I am properly means I can live confidently as me rather than trying to be like someone else.