Older parents- older grandparents

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Just looking to chat with anyone who has older parents and now finds their children have older grandparents. Both me and DH's parents are mid-late 70s and our children are toddlers/ preschool age. They visit and they're v close to my parents in particular but it's very limited as to what they can do- they aren't up to having them on their own or taking them out or running about with them. I'm always having to tell my DD to let nanny have a rest because her legs are bad or be quiet because grandads having a nap. I find myself wishing they could've had the relationship my nieces and nephews had with them when they were younger as they were so much more involved. It's the same relationship I had with my GPs as they were all elderly by the time I came along and I know I feel I lost out compared to my siblings who knew them when they were fit and healthy. There are also some health issues going on and it's bloody hard coping with two little ones and trying to sort that stuff out as well. I've just done a two week stint on my own and wished I'd had someone to have them for an hour while I got straight indoors or did a food shop so it does also make me resent that everyone around us has support. Our son is super clingy and every bloody HV has said to leave him with GPs to get his confidence up. People just have no concept of not having that support. I also feel sad that the passage of time has just crept up on my parents - my mum is no longer confident to drive, my dad doesn't really want to go out much these days- covid hasn't helped. They seemed relatively fit and healthy until they got to about 74.. we'd have weekends away together and I'd go skiing with my dad which has always been our thing and he says he can't wait to see my kids ski but now I doubt that'll ever happen and I never really realised how quickly the ageing process can turn and the impact that has. My siblings are 15-20 years older than me and they seem much more prepared if that's the right word whereas I'm struggling with it. I can't admit this in RL so this is me just looking for someone who understands

No the same, but similar. DP is 10+ years older than me so GPs on that side are 80 now our kids are 4 & 2 but their cousin is mid 20s. But they all live 2-3 hrs away so we don't notice as much.

My parents had me late so are late 60s/early 70s and I'm an only, they live v close and will have them for a hour or two but cannot cope with both at the same time / sleepovers / outings especially as my Dad can't drive anymore. I also think it's double whammy as I'm an only they struggle with coping with two. I also find my parents health/ageing, 2 pre schoolers, a full-time job and everything that comes with that a lot to cope with.

No advice, just to know you're not alone.

I do know you mean but then I grew up with grandparents who died in their late. Sixties/ early Seventies when I was 11 after health problems and I don't remember them healthy at all. So age is only one factor.

I lost my dad before DD was born, cancer doesn't look at age unfortunately.

DD is now 15, her grandparents are mid Eighties with health problems but she still has a great relationship, it is just different. Yes, her cousins had a different time with them and sometimes it does not look fair.

We don't live local to them at all, in fact we live in a different country so even if they would be so much younger there is no practical help at all. I found nursery was for DD a better then one hour with grandparents.

I have two DC and almost 9 year old and a 5 year old. My parents are both in their 70's (my dad mid 70's and my Mum late 70's) and while they both have some minor health issues they still spend a lot of time with my DC and babysit them on occassion. They also looked after them when they were babies after I went back to work.

My Mum always says that they keep her young and maybe she is right. She was an older Mum with me and her Mum was with her also. My Grandmother was 85 when she died and I was only two.

I do notice a difference with my in laws who are young and still working and take the kids overnight which my parents couldn't manage.

I'm currently 39, the same age as my Mum when she had me, and trying for DC3 so I suppose if I am successful I will be a much older grandparent myself which I am comfortable with.

I’m the ‘older’ mum. My parents were late sixties/early seventies when my child was born but they have always looked after her no problem really. They have such a great relationship and now she’s older she doesn’t need as much attention. When I was her age I had one grandparent still alive, whereas she has three.

Do they love your dc op? Because if they do please just appreciate what they do bring...
My mil wasn't even 55 and walked away when we had her dgs....

I understand OP. One of my parents actually had dementia when my DC was born and the other died when she was not yet 2. It's hard when you have seen what amazing grandparents they were to older siblings kids as you say. I really had to mourn that loss and I'm ok with it now. You don't mention your partners parents (?) so I suspect they're not up to much as are mine. Hope you find that help you need elsewhere.

I’m not an older parent but my parents were older and they both died before my DC were born. It makes me really, really sad. I have a few close friends who also can’t rely on grandparents for various reasons; I don’t think it’s that unusual OP, though it is hard.

Op my children's GPS are in there 40s and early 50s and still don't help no over night sleep overs no breaks 😴 I've 4 children so I understand how a help in hand could be useful sometimes strange thing is I was always with my grandparents growing up

My father was 74 and mum was 63 when my DD was born img and then 3 years older when DS was born.

They had an amazing relationship with my dad until he died at 84 and still have a fantastic one with my mum who is now 82.

I am an older mum and my parents died before dd was born, both about 70. I'm constantly surprised that other people my age still have parents. Also I'm an only - no other family. I never think about having support from family - it's just not an option. Dh's family overseas. I feel the lack of family most around Xmas.

We are older parents (40 when DS was born) and as a result, his GPs are in now in their 70s. If DS were neuro-typical he might be able to stay with my DPs but he is ASD/SLD/deaf, he's just too much of a handful and needs too much 'hands on' involvement for them to handle on their own. So visits are always supervised/ accompanied, and last just a couple of hours.They do apologise for being tired and unable to cope longer than that - they are retired and used to the peace and quiet, used to their routine. I can accept that.

I'm mid-30s with a 6 month old. DP's parents are late 50s and very active and interested in baby, come to see us a lot.

My parents are mid/late 70s and a lot less active and interested. Don't come to see us as much as they don't seem to be able to cope with it (longer journey). Both seem a little timid around their granddaughter.

I think my dad would like to see his granddaughter more but my mother is becoming frail, hard of hearing and showing some signs of cognitive decline. How I'm going to manage the coming years with that and a small child, I have no idea.

However, I'm not very close to my parents anyway. I had a difficult pregnancy and gave birth during the heatwave and they never bothered to check in. So I think it would be this way no matter what age they were.

I understand. This stood out: “every bloody HV has said to leave him with GPs to get his confidence up. People just have no concept of not having that support.” That’s what makes it hard I think. None of my kids’ GPs were either able to help or wanted to. At all. We had zero help from any family member. If people understood that, it would be easier. Unfortunately, a lot of people can’t get their heads around the idea that not everyone has doting, enthusiastic parents/ in-laws who help with the children.

My grandparents used to take my brother and I to chessington and go on the rides but my cousins are much younger than me and their experience of grandparents was totally different. My grandad died when I was 19 but cousins were 7-11.

my parents are 70 this year and still fit and well so have dc stay with them etc but my dc are 11-14 now. I think they’d be fine with a toddler but not sure how much longer that would be the case. DF’s hearing is the main factor.

When dtds were little the health visitor gave me advice re breast feeding - get into a comfy position with one then get someone to pass me the other twin… she was utterly confused when I said there was no one. Dh worked in the nearby city so left home at 7am and returned at 7pm and my parents lived over an hour away and ran their own company so were busy. My 3yo wasn’t capable of passing me a newborn baby. The health visitor was stumped like she’d never come across such an unusual family set up… I thought it was quite normal.

@NeedAHoliday2021 I have twins too and I hear you! I didn’t have a “someone” either and it was exactly as you say, people are completely stumped by that, and then can’t help at all because they don’t have a Plan B for a mum who’s on her own.

@FictionalCharacter i had 2 friends look after my toddler and twins for an hour and a half while I nipped to town to buy a new bra because I’d tried and failed when I took them all with me. Lovely of them to offer. When I returned they told me they thought I was amazing and they had no idea how I manage as they struggled between them… obviously I couldn’t ask them again. They meant well but made me feel very alone.

I really hope to be able to help my daughter out if she ever has or wants children. My Mum was 60 when my daughter was born but has never been able to help due to not being well herself. I don't worry too much though as you can't miss what you never had type thing.

My PIL had been very hands on with DH's older kids, took them on caravan holidays etc..DD came along 10 years later.
They never had her alone once. They had to be prompted and asked to even spend a little time with her when we were there. There was no malice, but they were disinterested and had no enthusiasm for grand parenting any more. The older kids were when they were in their mid to late 60's, late 70's for DD and it made a vast difference.

My parents (divorced) both live in different countries abroad, see their grandchildren once a year. They have never looked after my children, never mind had them overnight. My children are 11 and 13 and we have never had a night away. Anyway...it is just the way it is. Comparison is the thief of joy. I have an absolutely brilliant relationship with my children and that is all that really matters. That my parents don't really value family is their loss entirely. I hope you find peace with your situation.

My parents are not around anymore but we’re 68/70 when I had my 1st. In contract mum in law was 53. His grand parents were not far off my parents age.

the kids were lucky that my parents did well and lived till eldest was through uni and the others nearly finished school.

the dynamic between the kids and my parents , and husbands ( who had them over night about once or twice a year due to distance ) was different. However we they were adored by them all which was lovely. My dad used to sit in a corner and read to them or just read his book. He said he was being a role model ❤️

GPs don't have to be a support to be good GPs.

My late and lovely MIL was 80 when her only GC was born. She lived a long way from us and cherished every moment of every visit, not least because every visit was always an overnighter and she could spoil her GC rotten.
She had eleven years of a delightful relationship with her GC and we had zero expectations of "support" despite her vigour.

My Mum is 84 and Dad is 86. I have a 5 and 1 year old. They are still able to do pick ups if I am stuck, and manage the odd afternoon out. They never have them longer than around 3 hours at a time, and we have not done an overnight yet although they have offered. They are both fit and in good health but they are elderly. I suppose nowadays younger grandparents still want to have their own life, so it is hard to say if my children are truly missing out or not.

I was 42 when I had my DS so of course my DPs were older DGPs but my DS still had/has a fantastic relationship with his DGPs. My Dad taught my DS to play chess and was thrilled when my DS chose to study the same subject as he had at Uni & passed on his old text books obviously 70 years out of date . My DF has died now but only recently I took my 90 year old DM to stay overnight in DS's Uni town & she had a fantastic trip seeing round where he studied, his flat & eating out etc. Some DGPs have a close relationship with their DGC and some don't ... it's not just down to age.

@NeedAHoliday2021 Here’s some 💐for you, me, and everyone else who had no or little help and had to listen to people saying “I don’t know how you do it” or “you’re amazing!” Double 💐 for the lady at twins club who had triplets and no help, and a husband who thought SAHMs do nothing all day.
I remember someone saying to me “you’re coping so well” and I snapped back at them “I’M NOT COPING!”
Fun times. Yes I did feel envious of those who had parents, aunts, sisters etc who helped them.

My parents are in their late 50s and unfortunately are not hands on as we have a disabled 6 year old DD. Apparently she is too much for then to handle at "their ages". Load of crap of course, they just don't want to as they are fit/healthy. It's hard OP, would love more support but hey ho what can you do.