Older parents- older grandparents

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Just looking to chat with anyone who has older parents and now finds their children have older grandparents. Both me and DH's parents are mid-late 70s and our children are toddlers/ preschool age. They visit and they're v close to my parents in particular but it's very limited as to what they can do- they aren't up to having them on their own or taking them out or running about with them. I'm always having to tell my DD to let nanny have a rest because her legs are bad or be quiet because grandads having a nap. I find myself wishing they could've had the relationship my nieces and nephews had with them when they were younger as they were so much more involved. It's the same relationship I had with my GPs as they were all elderly by the time I came along and I know I feel I lost out compared to my siblings who knew them when they were fit and healthy. There are also some health issues going on and it's bloody hard coping with two little ones and trying to sort that stuff out as well. I've just done a two week stint on my own and wished I'd had someone to have them for an hour while I got straight indoors or did a food shop so it does also make me resent that everyone around us has support. Our son is super clingy and every bloody HV has said to leave him with GPs to get his confidence up. People just have no concept of not having that support. I also feel sad that the passage of time has just crept up on my parents - my mum is no longer confident to drive, my dad doesn't really want to go out much these days- covid hasn't helped. They seemed relatively fit and healthy until they got to about 74.. we'd have weekends away together and I'd go skiing with my dad which has always been our thing and he says he can't wait to see my kids ski but now I doubt that'll ever happen and I never really realised how quickly the ageing process can turn and the impact that has. My siblings are 15-20 years older than me and they seem much more prepared if that's the right word whereas I'm struggling with it. I can't admit this in RL so this is me just looking for someone who understands

every bloody HV has said to leave him with GPs

This is really poor of the HVs. Lots of people have no GP support for all sorts of reasons- we were living abroad, for example. A very frustrating assumption.

I agree it can be shock to realise that your parents are ageing. It doesn't happen in a straight line either- you look away and turn back to find they have suffered a coup de vieux. I think all you can do is accept them as they are and make the most of the relationship they are able to have with your children.

Yes, my in-laws are dead and my parents are almost 80 and not in good health. My DC has SEN so they wouldn't have a clue what to do.

It's hard not to be envious when it seems like everyone else has involved grandparents to lend support and practical assistance.

I know this is a fairly old thread but one that resonates. I was 28 when I had my first child so not old, but DH was mid 40s. 3 out of 4 GPS were 70 when 1st DC was born. The youngest and most involved (59 when they became a gp) died when my DC were 4 and 1.
DC1 was grandchild number 7 for my IL and they told me "the novelty (of grandchildren) had worn off" although they did seem to have a soft spot for DS who was their youngest gc. I have to admit I feel envious and a bit sad that DHs nieces and nephews had a closer relationship with them than my kids, and had grandparents well into their 20s whereas my DC had only 1 remaining gp by the time they were 11 and 14. Their remaining grandfather is late 80s and in reasonably good health for his age but quite deaf so the kids enjoy seeing him but find it quite hard to chat with him.

Luckily I have a good network of friends who have been there to have DC when I've had emergencies with both my parents (end of life care etc) and have had DC for the occassional sleepover etc.
I'm glad they have memories of their grandparents (although DS has no memory of my mum) as that's something I never had as all my GPS had died by the time I was a toddler

I think I understand how you feel. My parents aren’t quite as old (early 70’s) but a combination of health problems means they’re much less mobile / active than people older than them. They adore DD and will do anything they can for her - but there are obvious physical limitations. They’d never be able to take her for a day out whilst she’s a toddler as there is no way they could catch her if she bolted and ran off etc.

I have friends who complain about their limited “me time” - the “we’ve not had a night away since November” type comments - who seem oblivious that there is a difference between grandparents who may only offer childcare occasionally compared to grandparents who absolutely aren’t able to provide that. I know my parents would love to be able to have DD to sleep over but it just wouldn’t be safe for anyone so we’re resigned to the fact we’ll never have a night out or a night away without DD as there just isn’t anyone to provide that kind of childcare for us.

It also makes me sad to realise that the chances are DD is likely to have no grandparents left within a few years (no grandparents on DH’s side and I think I’ll be lucky if mine are both around in even 5 years). They adore her and she adores them and it does make me feel sad that because we were all older when she was born she’s likely to grow up without grandparents. I was really close to my grandparents, DD is named after my grandma, and it just feels sad she might miss out on that.

There are so many variables aren't there! DH is nearly a decade older than me but had grandparents alive to a much older age than I did and his DM is only a year older than mine. She is however much frailer.

Our DS (now 5) was born when we were 37 & 46 but the only grandparent he's missing is the one who died 50 years ago; he has three step grandparents also all still alive; all six are in their 70s.

None live nearer than about 3 hours away but we are able to leave him overnight with one of the three pairs. We're conscious that the ones who drive may not be able to for much longer though.

I was thinking this morning listening to something about the "health gap" that the sad fact that more deprived areas have significantly reduced life expectancy, and reduced healthy life expectancy, (very) roughly correlates to the trend for affluent areas to have children later in life. So wealthy healthy older grandparents of 75 may be similarly capable of their less privileged 65 year old counterparts.

Ah op, don't wish away what you do have and find comfort in what they are able to give.

My mum was older and looked after my daughter a day a week when she was 2 and my mum was 74 ish.

The decline into old age is rapid after that and by the time my son came along it would have been too much for her. She was still her though.

But, children get older quick too and mine had a lovely relationship just being with my parents. Once you get past toddler age it will be much easier.

My mum and dad have both died now and my children were all completely bereft and have lots of fond memories (mainly of raiding the biscuit barrel). Your children aren't missing out. My in laws are much younger but i would say my children were closer to my elderly parents. Having younger parents is no guarantee that they will provide you with any meaningful help.

Also, if you have older siblings can they not help you at all? Sometimes you just have to ask.

When DD was a baby my elderly parents couldn’t manage at all so I had no help, which is largely why I had a nervous breakdown. Now she’s bigger and can walk, feed, toilet by herself, so they can look after her for a couple of hours if I need to pop out. But they can’t take her out by themselves and can’t have her overnight. So basically I never get out.

Their age isn’t something that ever occurred to me because I didn’t realise having kids would be this hard, so I didn’t appreciate what a problem it would be having nobody to help.

What a lovely post @cantba !

My great Aunty looked after her great and great great grandchildren into her 80s. But she was a force of nature!!

My mum was the grand old age of 50 when I had my first, 54 when I had my second and already retired. She never had either of them for me (found out from an aunt 15 years later that when I announced my pregnancy she apparently said 'I hope she doesn't think I will be looking after it for her').
It is likely I won't be a very old grandmother but either way I intend to give my children as much help as possible (depending on whether I'm working full time when they have them I suppose)
I don't understand people like my parents that can show not just indifference but positive distaste for their own grandchildren, hopefully I will be young enough to enjoy mine😊

Its so difficult isn't it, when everyone around you seems to have support. Two out of 4 Grandparents had died before my two were born, I had them at 32 and 35. My DH's Mum doted on the boys, but like the OP says wasn't up to having them for that long or for overnight, she was great at playing with them, but I would have to really make sure all the practicalities were covered. Sadly, she died at 76, when my boys were 7 and 5. My Dad wasn't involved for various reasons and he passed away in October just gone. With regards to my Dad's illness, it would have been harder to cope with logisically if my boys had been younger (they are 12 and 15), cause I needed to travel up North regularly.

In all honesty I look at the cards we were dealt with Grandparents and think it might have been good to have had kids a bit earlier, eventhough I wasn't ready. I feel sad for my kids that they haven't really had much Grandparent experience and sad that we never really had any years of the kids being young with healthy Grandparents making lovely memories.