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Original poster

Anyone awake? DD Meltdown

35 replies

MillyMoo1113 · 30/05/2022 02:05

Anyone awake?

Laid in bed feeling helpless and don't know what else to do.

DD is 18 and waiting for autism and adhd referral and has a history of mental health issues/self harm/ 2 suicide attempts.

She is currently having a meltdown about something she has lost.

I've looked but can't find it but can't focus properly as I take meds for sleep so am groggy.

I can take tomorrow off work to look for it, but right now, she's trashing her room, crying, kicking, banging.

I don't know what to do. I feel like she needs a sedative. I can't help til I've slept off my meds but I can't sleep til she's settled.

So am laid here crying. I know how to handle her meltdowns normally. I've stayed calm, I've been clear and concise in what I've said, but if she doesn't find the item she's lost, she's going to die apparently.

So just needed to post, sure there's a night owl somewhere whose awake, just need a hand hold

OP posts:
twoandcooplease · 30/05/2022 02:12

Hi op I'm here! I have no advice but a handhold and a hopeful bump for someone to help! Flowers

HellonHeels · 30/05/2022 02:15

Sounds awful I'd be crying too. Is there anyone else home with you?

Original poster
MillyMoo1113 · 30/05/2022 02:15

Thank you. She's stopped kicking and banging at least but is still rooting through her room which is already a tip.

I need to tip her bed on end but can't manage that at this time of night.

She's just frenzied atm. I'm going to have to take tomorrow off work to sort her out, my head feels like it's going to explode.

She's got her exhibition at art uni on Wednesday. She still has stuff to finish for that. That's the underlying stressor atm, the whole of the next 2/3 days are going to snowball, I can see it now.

OP posts:
MayMi · 30/05/2022 02:16

Well done for keeping your cool and making every effort you can to help her. Remember they say the nights are long but the years are short ❤️ quietly play some music you like as you lay down xx

Original poster
MillyMoo1113 · 30/05/2022 02:16

Am home alone. I don't live with my boyfriend and my eldest is away at uni but he lives with his dad when he's not there cos he can't cope with his sister.

OP posts:
bozna · 30/05/2022 02:17

Awesome mum! Only you can so the best for your kids, just keep it up ❤️

Original poster
MillyMoo1113 · 30/05/2022 02:19

bozna · 30/05/2022 02:17

Awesome mum! Only you can so the best for your kids, just keep it up ❤️

Thank you. I don't always feel like an awesome mum but I know her better than anyone. The meds are for fibro and restless leg, I'm helpless til they've worn off really.

OP posts:
Willowkins · 30/05/2022 02:20

That sounds so hard. She can't calm down till she finds the thing but you can't help her find the thing till you've had some sleep but you can't get to sleep till she calms down. I wish I had some wise words - sending you a hand hold and a cuppa instead Brew

Original poster
MillyMoo1113 · 30/05/2022 02:23

Willowkins · 30/05/2022 02:20

That sounds so hard. She can't calm down till she finds the thing but you can't help her find the thing till you've had some sleep but you can't get to sleep till she calms down. I wish I had some wise words - sending you a hand hold and a cuppa instead Brew

Thank you. It's a completely vicious circle with no solution.

I've a feeling she'll hurt herself and that's the only way the circle will break.

OP posts:
bozna · 30/05/2022 02:23

@MillyMoo1113 your doing everything right then! Only comment I've seen to maybe help is music but depends on the person

Marty13 · 30/05/2022 02:25

Is this a completely irreplaceable item ? If it's something that can be bought can you help her calm down by offering to buy a new one tomorrow ? (you don't have to follow through, it's just to calm her down for tonight). Or do you know anyone who could stay with her tonight while you sleep off the meds ?

Original poster
MillyMoo1113 · 30/05/2022 02:26

bozna · 30/05/2022 02:23

@MillyMoo1113 your doing everything right then! Only comment I've seen to maybe help is music but depends on the person

Thank you, music won't help, I'm trying to keep as much noise down as I can, next door have 3 under 6, and her rooms backs on to theirs.

I'm trying to ground myself by breathing, I can hear her talking now, she may have phoned a friend for support which is a good thing at least.

Just feel like it's going to be a long night and I really could do without having to be off work tomorrow.

OP posts:
Marty13 · 30/05/2022 02:27

Also does she have melatonin to help her sleep ? If not maybe this is something to look at in the future (after taking advice from a medical professional obviously).

Original poster
MillyMoo1113 · 30/05/2022 02:28

Marty13 · 30/05/2022 02:25

Is this a completely irreplaceable item ? If it's something that can be bought can you help her calm down by offering to buy a new one tomorrow ? (you don't have to follow through, it's just to calm her down for tonight). Or do you know anyone who could stay with her tonight while you sleep off the meds ?

It's her retainer. So weeks to get an appointment then weeks whilst a new one is made. She knows I can't afford a new one, I can find the money and my dad will pay if need be but that's all complicating her emotions atm.

She has massive anxiety around the dentist. She's adamant it's in her room, I need to tip the bed just can't atm.

There is no one else, she hates her dad. It's all on me at times like this.

OP posts:
Original poster
MillyMoo1113 · 30/05/2022 02:29

Marty13 · 30/05/2022 02:27

Also does she have melatonin to help her sleep ? If not maybe this is something to look at in the future (after taking advice from a medical professional obviously).

I'm hoping for that once we get the autism diagnosis. She's had all the assessments, I'm waiting for the feedback and report from Clinical Partners

OP posts:
bozna · 30/05/2022 02:34

@MillyMoo1113 if you think she could have autism it could take years to get a diagnosis, but such hard work to get the proper help for the child.

Original poster
MillyMoo1113 · 30/05/2022 02:35

bozna · 30/05/2022 02:34

@MillyMoo1113 if you think she could have autism it could take years to get a diagnosis, but such hard work to get the proper help for the child.

She's had the assessment. We're literally waiting for the diagnosis and report. Taken 6 years to get this far.

OP posts:
bozna · 30/05/2022 02:37

@MillyMoo1113
As a parent though you are doing the best you can, relax when you can. But as for help anytime you can 🥰

bozna · 30/05/2022 02:39

@MillyMoo1113 6 years for diagnosis or help is ridiculous!

PaddingtonBearStareAgain · 30/05/2022 02:43

No advice but here for a hand hold.

My nephew who does have a diagnosis can get like this and as you say it can feel like you are going round in circles.

At least if she is calling a friend, that's a good sign.

You are a good mum.

I hope you both get some sleep.

Magnolia08 · 30/05/2022 02:54

That sounds really difficult op, hope you both get some rest Flowers

Ponderingwindow · 30/05/2022 02:55

The fact that it’s a lost item with real consequences is going to make it harder. Something that would send me back for extra dentist visits would have me panicking too.

there are techniques for calming a spiral and eventually she will find the ones that work for her. If she has gotten to 18 and university without the diagnosis, she is going to be capable for understanding the need for developing this coping mechanisms. She likely already has developed some without even realizing it.

If you decide to go back in, one I like is try to describe a simple object to an alien. What does it look like, feel like, sound like. What is its function, it’s societal purpose, you can take the exercise as deep as you want.

Nat6999 · 30/05/2022 03:30

I'm autistic, I lost my Ecig a couple of years ago, came home, dropped my bags off, went in my bedroom & got my ecig out of my handbag, had a couple off puffs & never saw it again. I was frantic, couldn't breathe, was sweating, shaking & crying, I had a total meltdown. I am very untidy no matter what I do, it is part of my autism & lose things very easily, when I got a replacement I got a smart tag which I slipped in the case so I can't lose it again.

Nat6999 · 30/05/2022 03:31

Can you claim on your house insurance?

SpidersAreShitheads · 30/05/2022 03:38

HI OP,

I hope things have calmed down and you and DD have managed to get some sleep.

I'm autistic and have ADHD and so do my two children.

Losing things like this can produce such anxiety. It's about loss of control, at least in part. Reading between the lines of what you have described, this is a really stressful period in your DD's life so she was probably operating close to her maximum capacity. It doesn't take much to flip things over the line - losing something like a retainer would easily provoke this kind of reaction.

If you absolutely can't get up and help due to meds, you need to have an action plan for times like this. I don't mean a physical action plan - probably an emergency coping plan would be a better description. And I mean for both DD and for you.

So when she has a melt down in the middle of the night, what can you do? What can you say that might help? Are there any apps your DD would agree to use that would help? Is there a friend that she knows would take her call no matter what the time is? Would music help her? Would she be safe to go for a walk on her own to burn off adrenaline? How about writing down an action plan for the morning so she knows what she's going to do in the morning to look for it? Having a focus can help. Quite often a meltdown spirals because the individual feels increasingly out of control and rational thinking goes out of the window. Having an emergency plan written down or saved on her/your phones that you can follow can take some of the heat out of things. She won't be thinking properly when she's in such a state of anxiety and of course it's awful for you to have to witness/listen to.

She may or may not get prescribed melatonin and even then it's not always effective for everyone. So really having a go-to plan when the shit hits the fan really is a good idea for both her and your benefit. Doesn't really matter what the plan is, whatever works. Allowing her to feel that she has some control over what's going on and how it can be resolved will probably help calm her down.