Right - holiday with DH, or bring DD too? Opinions appreciated!

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DH and I have a toddler DD. We adore her, but with covid, life dramas, and busy careers, mine and DH's relationship has suffered badly and at the moment we're little more than acquaintances who share a house and care of DD.

Family are abroad, so we don't really have any childcare apart from nursery (so that we can both work) and an occasional babysitter from the nursery so we can have an evening out (which is very expensive, so doesn't happen very often).

My mum has offered to fly over to where we live so that she can look after DD while DH and I go on holiday together.

We really need to spend some time together. The last 2-3 years has been HARD. We've nearly split on two occasions and we badly need a break, and we need to reconnect.

However . . . when we've talked about it, DH and I have both confessed that we feel a little sad about going on holiday without DD - it would be quite strange to not be able to share the excitement, fun days out and new experiences with her. But if we do take her with us, it will be a very different holiday and I doubt DH will spend the quality time together that we need.

So . . . what do you all think? Have a holiday with DD, or DH and I make the most of a very rare opportunity and try to fix our relationship?

How long for? How well does your daughter know your mum?

Hi Clymene - it could be anything up to a week, but I doubt we'd go for that long, probably 4-5 days. DM would come over to us for a few days first too, before we left, so DD can adjust. DD knows her Gran pretty well - we visit regularly and FaceTime every couple of days. Also DD is really chilled - I don't think there would be any issues with DM looking after her.

Go without her! Your relationship is important, and your daughter will more than likely have a great time with granny!

We've some incredible friends and family who have had my daughter overnight or for a long weekend occasionally (1-2x per year). It's amazing how having that child free time really helps us to reconnect.

go just the two of you, you need the time together, you can experince a holiday with your DD at a later date

I personally would go without her (doing that this summer and it won't be first time). I think spending time with GPs is so good for kids and a break for you both sounds good.

Think of it this way - if you go just the two of you, you're giving your DD a chance at a future full of many happy family holidays. If you take her with you, it may well be the only family holiday she ever has, and she wont even remember it.

How old is she?
How well does she know your dm?

We left our dc with my mum as 2 year olds and isn't wasn't great.
They didn't know her well enough, she wasn't great at parenting them.
Dc got quite upset and that made me upset while I was away.

Later trips when I left with MIL went much better, they were older, MIL was a better parent and didn't upset them.

You could maybe take a break not too far away so you could get back if you needed to.

I think you should go without her - think of it this way, she's getting an amazing opportunity to bond with her grandmother. I have very happy memories of being with my grandparents when my parents went away and I was thoroughly spoiled. Plus I do think it's ok to prioritise your relationship on occasion, the aim is to be with him forever, why not invest a little in it?

Honestly just go on your own. Holidays with young children aren't really holidays. Take her for some sort of child friendly holiday another time like caravan etc

Go on your own. Your DD won't remember it and will have a lovely wee break of her own.

Time to yourselves doesn't get easier to come by as they get older; take your chances to priorities your relationship when you can get them. Trust me!

Can you do both? Short break for 4-5 days with DH. Haven type holiday with DD?

It's a very good point that DD's first family holiday could be her last, if DH and I don't take this opportunity! Things have been very bad at certain points, we really do need a few days to get to know (and like!) each other again.

My instinct is that DD will be fine - she's 2 and a half, never any issues with nursery or meeting other people. And we'd make sure that in the run-up to the trip, we maximise exposure to Gran!

We have other weekend trips planned with DD already so she'll see new things and go new places over the summer, no matter what we decide.

Go without her, if your relationship is on the line you need time together without distractions TBH.

Go and have some time together. It's really important that you find time to be husband and wife rather than mum and dad.

I’m going to go against the grain and say that a one off holiday isn’t likely to solve anything, with or without DD. If the issue is simply about finding time for each other I would take days off while she’s in nursery and spend those together. That is more sustainable than a holiday where your mum needs to fly out to look after DD. If there is something more fundamental, a holiday won’t solve it.

I don’t know. FaceTime is quite different from being looked after for 5 days. And you’ll come back to the same set up with your child there. So isn’t it better to work on your relationship as it stands now, with your child present? Also, won’t you be worrying and stressed with your child far away?

I'd be concerned that she doesn't know the grandparent well enough.

I'd say take her but budget for some kids club or babysitting time while you are there so you get some time off together.

Go on holiday with both DD and your mum, leaving DD with her gran each evening to have dinner and be alone? But having family time part of the day too?

I wouldn't myself but maybe because we always see holidays as family time. Also, if your DM lives abroad, wouldn't you like to see her for the whole of your visit? Could you go away somewhere all together a d your Mum could babysit while you have a few evenings out?

We also live abroad with no family support. If you trust your Mum I would go like a shot. Living away from family is hard. It’s important to keep your relationship. Your DD can have a lovely time with her gran. You two get a rest.

Is where your mum lives an option for a holiday for you? Maybe you could fly to her with DD and spend the first 3-4 days together with DD getting more comfortable. Then you and DH can leave, travel to another part of the country for a mini break, just the 2 of you, whilst DD stays behind? Good luck with it all whatever you decide.

Go!

It’s more important for your daughter that you solidify your relationship - the last thing she needs is parents who are unhappy or break up.

As long as she has a day or so with you all to get used to granny she’ll have a great time and so will you.

I think maybe a weekend the first time you leave her. 5-7 days is a long time, I know I would have found that hard and I'm not sure if I'd have enjoyed it as I'd have missed them and felt so guilty! (Not that you should feel guilty, just how I felt!)

Once you've left her once, you'll feel more confident hopefully and perhaps leave her a little longer next time.

I would go somewhere within a 2-3 hr drive for 2-3 nights.

When DS was that young, it was so precious getting time together that it was better to make it about us, rather than visiting an amazing destination.

Find a nice spa hotel and enjoy some grown up meals and walks together. It will be more relaxing and you'll both start missing DD after a couple of nights I'll bet, so it's a good compromise.

Look, sometimes what you need is uninterrupted shagging 😁 and only a child free holiday gives you that option.

It's amazing what some Vitamin D does for how you feel about yourself and each other again 😎