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Original poster

Right - holiday with DH, or bring DD too? Opinions appreciated!

47 replies

RedPandaFluff · 29/05/2022 16:34

DH and I have a toddler DD. We adore her, but with covid, life dramas, and busy careers, mine and DH's relationship has suffered badly and at the moment we're little more than acquaintances who share a house and care of DD.

Family are abroad, so we don't really have any childcare apart from nursery (so that we can both work) and an occasional babysitter from the nursery so we can have an evening out (which is very expensive, so doesn't happen very often).

My mum has offered to fly over to where we live so that she can look after DD while DH and I go on holiday together.

We really need to spend some time together. The last 2-3 years has been HARD. We've nearly split on two occasions and we badly need a break, and we need to reconnect.

However . . . when we've talked about it, DH and I have both confessed that we feel a little sad about going on holiday without DD - it would be quite strange to not be able to share the excitement, fun days out and new experiences with her. But if we do take her with us, it will be a very different holiday and I doubt DH will spend the quality time together that we need.

So . . . what do you all think? Have a holiday with DD, or DH and I make the most of a very rare opportunity and try to fix our relationship?

OP posts:

Original poster

RedPandaFluff · 29/05/2022 18:43

Thanks everyone . . . although I'm even more torn now

I honestly am not worried about DD being upset when she's with DM - I'm pretty sure that after 2-3 days of DM being here and involved in DD's normal routine, DH and I escaping for five days or so would be fine. Also, DD would still go to nursery, be in her own home etc. so she's in her familiar environment. I'm really more thinking about missing DD when we're away, seeing lovely things and wishing she were experiencing it with us etc.

Maybe I'm also a bit worried that we won't have anything to talk about if DD isn't there

Although, as some posters have said, a holiday with a toddler isn't really a relaxing holiday and honestly, I'm knackered. I need to slow the pace for a few days.

So many arguments for and against . . .

OP posts:

Original poster

RedPandaFluff · 29/05/2022 18:46

Not keen to do the spa hotel thing - if DH and I were to go on holiday alone together, it would likely be a diving holiday, sailing round islands or something very active and (sadly) not toddler-friendly. Another reason I'm torn - the holiday with DD would be very different and not really bonding/exciting/adventurous for DH and I as a couple, as lovely as it is seeing DD excited about a play park or water slide!

OP posts:

RandomQuest · 29/05/2022 18:49

Been there, done that, went on the trip with just DH and it was amazing. I’d recommend that you hang out altogether with your mum first, so you DD gets used to her, then go away for 2-3 nights at the end of mum’s stay - it worked perfectly for us!

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Families

Cinnabomb · 29/05/2022 18:54

OH MY GOD - GO GO GO without her! Please, for the rest of us who don’t get the chance 🤣

rookiemere · 29/05/2022 18:58

Ok I think you should go on the holiday, you clearly want to and I'm sure your DD will be fine.

But going forward you need to find a way not to think of family holidays as being sacrifices. Maybe something like Neilson - once DD is old enough to do the DC activities- would suit, or learning to ski together as a family.

Lollypop701 · 29/05/2022 19:05

You are not going on holiday you are going on a reconnect break with dh. Families work if mum and dad are connected and happy. Your dd will be fine and won’t remember. Yes you’ll miss her but she will love her destressed happy mum and dad. Your mum must know you need this time to offer and is probably looking forward to spending time with her dgd

Shedcity · 29/05/2022 19:08

Go without her!
you need to be a couple first, then you can have future family holidays together and dd can grow up in a happy home. She wouldn’t remember this holiday anyway
plus I’m sure your mum would love to spend some time with her granddaughter and that will be good bonding time for them.

lucea87 · 29/05/2022 19:09

Absolutely go! We took our DD (6months) away recently and it was lovely but said we will do a week alone in the new year & she will stay with my parents who adore her! It's important to have that time to yourselves and as long as your DD will be happy and your DM too then go & enjoy yourselves!

HikingforScenery · 29/05/2022 19:18

MolliciousIntent · 29/05/2022 16:55

Think of it this way - if you go just the two of you, you're giving your DD a chance at a future full of many happy family holidays. If you take her with you, it may well be the only family holiday she ever has, and she wont even remember it.

This
A no-brainer, really.

User3568975431146 · 29/05/2022 19:20

You take your daughter!!!! You're a family now not just a couple so where you go, she goes. I'd never have dreamt in a million years of going away without my children!

SenoraAveiro · 29/05/2022 19:27

User3568975431146 · 29/05/2022 19:20

You take your daughter!!!! You're a family now not just a couple so where you go, she goes. I'd never have dreamt in a million years of going away without my children!

Is that somewhere in writing like?

Adults in a family have a relationship that needs maintenance, if there is a marriage to last beyond the child rearing years.

Guilt tripping bollocks.

Imsotired10 · 29/05/2022 19:30

Why don't you take your mum on holiday. Then she Can look after your DD whilst you and DH could go out for dinner & drinks etc

Benjispruce4 · 29/05/2022 19:33

I don’t think a few days without your DD will fix your relationship. It has to work in the real world with all the annoying things happen in real life. But perhaps a couple of nights to talk uninterrupted would be helpful.

rookiemere · 29/05/2022 19:34

Some people are being a bit dramatic about the healing effects of this holiday. I absolutely agree that time together as a couple is beneficial, but don't whatever you do turn this into a make or break trip, or it's not going to be relaxing at all.
What's more important is work out how you both can get a bit more breathing space with the circumstances you have the rest of the year, and maybe counselling to work through things together, so you're not always on the verge of breaking up.

Ginger1982 · 29/05/2022 19:41

Definitely go! We took DS abroad at 18 months and it was terrible. Going again now he's 5 and hoping it will be better! But we also have 2 adult only holidays abroad planned for this year for our birthdays and I can't wait. It's important to remember you were a couple before you became parents.

Incywincyspi · 29/05/2022 19:42

I couldn’t leave my kids at that age it’s too young. However it’s a personal choice. I don’t think it will solve any issues long term between you and your DH as your relationship has to work in the real world.

PinkSyCo · 29/05/2022 19:44

If real life has made you nearly split twice I personally don’t see how a holiday is going to fix your relationship. To that end I would take my child along to what could be your last ever family holiday or focus on getting some marriage guidance instead.

Ihatethenewlook · 29/05/2022 19:50

Go without her op, and don’t even entertain the thought that it’s the wrong decision. The best thing for your dd is for her parents to have a strong relationship. Don’t throw this opportunity away because of some daft guilt over not taking her, she’s got the rest of her life to go on holiday with her parents. She’ll be absolutely fine bonding with and being spoiled rotten by her nan.

Imnotahippo · 29/05/2022 20:00

We’ve just had our friends little girl for a few days so her parents could go away without her
they look so much better-they had colours in their cheeks and where much happier
she had a blast-she didn’t want to go home-we spoilt her rotten (chocolate cereal for breakfast and one can of Diet Coke-she loved it) and she had our one to one attention
I never got the break when mine where little (single parent) but I would have been a much better parent if I had done xxx

Flittingaboutagain · 29/05/2022 20:05

Be wary of putting too much pressure on yourselves ether way! My friend is about to take her three year old on her honeymoon and now I'd say that was a mistake as her husband is totally against it.

Incywincyspi · 29/05/2022 20:28

Original poster

RedPandaFluff · 29/05/2022 20:54

Totally agree that a holiday won't be a magic wand, and suddenly DH and I will be loves young dream again. However, I'm exhausted (we both are) and apart from anything else I could do with a few days off from early wakings and all the demands of life with a toddler, and I think it would be a good starting point for us. We can spend time together, just the two of us, and see if we still like each other and want to be together. I think, if we do, then that will give us the motivation we need to make time for each other at home, back in real life.

I think it would be a good start. I know DD would be safe and happy - there are very few people I'd feel comfortable leaving her with, but my mum looks after my sisters kids regularly so I trust her. And DD will be spoiled, she'll have a blast!

OP posts:

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