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Original poster

Teen tattoo

29 replies

grainoftruth · 29/05/2022 08:33

Long story short - discovered DD18 has got herself a tattoo. About 12cm long across the small of her back - looks well-heeled so obviously not brand new. She was a weird mix of sheepish and triumphant when I saw it.

In the interests of transparency - DH has tattoos so she knows we wouldn't have a leg to stand on if we went off our heads about it.

I can't say that I'm thrilled - I think it's really young to make a lifetime commitment plus I'm personally not a fan of where it is. Also, I think tattoos are better when the design has some meaning or significance.

However, well aware that it's her body, her choice.

But... recently, there has been a lot of pushing of boundaries, staying out very late, dropping college course, not wanting to spend any time as a family, etc. It's like she wants to erase the person she used to be.

I feel like this is yet another 'fuck you' to us and everything we stand for.

I wish she hadn't had the tattoo but we've all done stupid shit at that age and it isn't up to me. I just feel really uncomfortable about the secretive behaviour around it.

So if you've read this far, would you...
a) say nowt
b) have a talk about secretive behaviour and how it makes for an uneasy atmosphere??

OP posts:
Original poster
grainoftruth · 29/05/2022 08:34

Also, well-healed, not heeled.
Stupid autocorrect.

OP posts:
OnlyFoolsnMothers · 29/05/2022 08:35

A- it’s done now, she’ll probably be more annoyed about a lack of reaction. She’ll also probably laser it off by 35.

BreakerOfBras · 29/05/2022 08:36

Don't make this the hill you die on. Tattoos are nothing in the grand scheme of things. Her reaction indicates she's still in the teen mindset of rebelling and probably has a lot of growing up to do. Focus on the more concerning behaviours and try to get to the root of those. If she's pushing boundaries I'd stop making it so comfortable for her. Does she pay rent? Bills? What housework does she do?

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Beauty
TeenPlusCat · 29/05/2022 08:39

A lot better than something on her forearm when she's in a job with a uniform short sleeve shirt and a 'no visible tattoos' rule.

Ilovenutellaaaaa · 29/05/2022 08:42

Did she say when she got it and why she got it?

Did you tell her that what may seem cool tattoo to her now at 18 she may not feel the same way about when she is in her 20's, 30's 40's etc?

Ultimately there's not much you can do now, because she already has gone and had it done...but you could try and figure out why she had it...could it be a boyfriend or friend suggesting she get it and she went along with it? Or is it a tattoo that she has really genuinely liked and got it for no other reason than for herself and that she really likes it,

If she decides she hates it in a few years (because what we like as teens is different to what we like at later ages) you could always advise a cover up tattoo or even laser removal...

But try and get her to be open and honest and to talk to you, and find out when she got it done (because if it doesn't look new, then maybe she has had it done when she was underage)

MissNothing1991 · 29/05/2022 08:44

In the interests of transparency - DH has tattoos so she knows we wouldn't have a leg to stand on if we went off our heads about it.*

You would have no right to regardless. She is an adult and it's her body. I made this quite clear to my parents when I got each of mine.

Original poster
grainoftruth · 29/05/2022 08:45

Yes, that's how I'm leaning. Didn't know whether I was being apathetic because I am so ground down by it all.

She's mid way through A level season for the subjects she hasn't dropped - after that, she is working so yes, life is about to become rather less comfortable, despite the typical MN horror and aversion to asking adult DC for financial contributions 😉

OP posts:
hitrewind · 29/05/2022 08:46

You say you feel really uncomfortable about the secretive behaviour around it – what was the secretive behaviour, apart from not telling you? At 18 I think she's allowed to make private choices without them being called secretive, unless there's more to the story?

But really, these two sentences felt like they're at the core of this:

"It's like she wants to erase the person she used to be."
"I feel like this is yet another 'fuck you' to us and everything we stand for."

She probably IS trying to establish her sense of independence and make her own decisions. And sometimes that looks like swinging to the other end of the pendulum to experience a different version of yourself, which can feel like erasing your past identities.

But that doesn't make any of it about you.

I'd comment on the tattoo (because it's weird to pretend you haven't seen it when you have) but only to ask benign tattoo questions "when did you get it? how did you choose that one?" etc etc. and then move on quickly. No drama.

ineedsun · 29/05/2022 08:46

Just leave her, she’s 18 not 12 and how can it be a fuck you when your husband has them. She may continue to love it into old age but if she doesn’t it’s not really any of your business. If you’re thinking of having a chat about secretive behaviour with an 18 year old over a tattoo then I wonder whether you are viewing her level of independence in the same way as each other.

Original poster
grainoftruth · 29/05/2022 08:47

MissNothing1991 · 29/05/2022 08:44

In the interests of transparency - DH has tattoos so she knows we wouldn't have a leg to stand on if we went off our heads about it.*

You would have no right to regardless. She is an adult and it's her body. I made this quite clear to my parents when I got each of mine.

Yes, this why I included the line 'her body, her choice' in bold type in my original post.

OP posts:
hamdden12 · 29/05/2022 08:48

I don't understand why you see it as "another fuck you to us and everything we stand for" when your husband has tattoos?

Oblomov22 · 29/05/2022 08:52

She's done the tattoo so no going back. At least it's hidden, not in a place that will be seen in officewear. Is the design not meaningful to her? That's a shame.

I still talk to her about it, about the fact she did it without discussing it with you, or telling you soon afterwards, hiding things from you which is just not necessary.

plus all the other things are going on : her A-levels and her general behaviour, just in a caring way, trying to get to the source of the problem?

Original poster
grainoftruth · 29/05/2022 08:53

I guess I view it as secretive behaviour because her dad has them. Why wouldn't you mention it? Why wouldn't she have talked about which studio was better, aftercare, etc?

She has several piercings which she's always talked about, not to ask permission (even when she was under 18) but in an 'I'm planning to get my left helix done next' kind of way. It's never been a big deal.

OP posts:
PutinIsAWarCriminal · 29/05/2022 08:55

She was a weird mix of sheepish and triumphant when I saw it. ha ha, I can imagine.
As I'm learning now, the secretive and withdrawn behaviour is more of a concern, keep open and honest dialogue. Family time is very important, my dc had recently become more reclusive and we assumed it was because they were studying hard. It turned out to be a mental health crisis and we are now in an unfamiliar world of councillors and keeping numbers for emergency helplines close. We had honestly no idea and are working hard to pull them back in for family time.

Original poster
grainoftruth · 29/05/2022 08:57

hamdden12 · 29/05/2022 08:48

I don't understand why you see it as "another fuck you to us and everything we stand for" when your husband has tattoos?

That's a fair question.
I guess because it's part of a bigger picture of kicking back against a lot of other things.

OP posts:
Maireas · 29/05/2022 08:59

Tattoos are so commonplace that they are no longer a marker of rebellion. Most of my colleagues (secondary school teachers) have visible tattoos, the people working in the building society, shops, hairdressers.... even David Dimbleby and Fern Britton!
Unless it's Nazi insignia, don't fret.
I think the issue is that she's not communicating very well, and you've got a couple of other red flags. Park the tattoo issue, and try and chat to her about college and other stuff.

quietnightmare · 29/05/2022 08:59

She's 18 there's your answer

hitrewind · 29/05/2022 08:59

grainoftruth · 29/05/2022 08:53

I guess I view it as secretive behaviour because her dad has them. Why wouldn't you mention it? Why wouldn't she have talked about which studio was better, aftercare, etc?

She has several piercings which she's always talked about, not to ask permission (even when she was under 18) but in an 'I'm planning to get my left helix done next' kind of way. It's never been a big deal.

You know your daughter better than anyone here, so only you can make a call on this.

But maybe she didn't mention it because she wanted something for herself. That feeling of autonomy and doing something without anyone else's opinions or input – it's valuable. It feels good. It's part of growing up.

I'd just tread carefully over calling the choice not to share something with you 'secretive' behaviour. There are unpleasant undertones to it that aren't likely to serve any of you in this situation.

Original poster
grainoftruth · 29/05/2022 09:00

PutinIsAWarCriminal · 29/05/2022 08:55

She was a weird mix of sheepish and triumphant when I saw it. ha ha, I can imagine.
As I'm learning now, the secretive and withdrawn behaviour is more of a concern, keep open and honest dialogue. Family time is very important, my dc had recently become more reclusive and we assumed it was because they were studying hard. It turned out to be a mental health crisis and we are now in an unfamiliar world of councillors and keeping numbers for emergency helplines close. We had honestly no idea and are working hard to pull them back in for family time.

Yes, all this.
Pretty much the same story here - thought she was fine, having counselling for MH issues now. She's a hell of a lot better than she was 8 months ago but it's not easy at all, is it?

Also why I am paranoid about secretive behaviour.

Hope your DS is improving ❤️

OP posts:
ineedsun · 29/05/2022 09:02

She’s an adult and she probably knows you’ll be annoyed about it. I’m 49 and just had another tattoo, I won’t make a point of telling my mum and dad about it because a) it’s nothing to do with them and b) they don’t like them so why would I invite that level of negativity and judgement into my life? She doesn’t have to discuss anything with you, she’s 18, is the kicking back anything actually serious or is she just becoming an adult and making her own decisions?

viques · 29/05/2022 09:03

My response when my dd got a small, not very well done shoulder tattoo as a teen was “ I hope it hurt.” She was more upset that the friend who was also going to get one chickened out after watching her getting done!

Oblomov22 · 29/05/2022 09:03

That's a good point by hitrewind re autonomy. Actually not every decision a teenager makes needs to be discussed and maybe she deliberately didn't tell you as a sign of doing something on her own. I get that.

Maireas · 29/05/2022 09:07

Ah, ok - this is different. She's had MH issues and you're worried about secrecy, so it's not really about tattoos? Or do you think it's an indicator of a problem?
As I said, don't bother about the tattoo, but try to keep the lines of communication open. If she's doing A levels she'll be stressed. Maybe contact the year manager if you have concerns to keep them in the loop.

Original poster
grainoftruth · 29/05/2022 09:13

Not intended to be a drip feed - I don't think the tattoo is in any way indicative of a MH crisis and as I say, she's a lot better than she was.

I know that she can do what she likes and I even get the point people have made about how making private decisions is a stage of growing up. I get it.

Given that it can't be reversed, I'm not sure why it was then kept a secret.

But really, going back to my OP, it was more about whether to address it or not. I'm thinking I will say nothing. If she wants to assert her independence, she can consider it asserted. If it's intended to shock, it won't have worked.

OP posts:
catwomando · 29/05/2022 09:15

She's and adult. Leave it be, none of your business.