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Original poster

He was engaged before

28 replies

Itsmytreehouse · 28/05/2022 22:51

dp and I have been talking about marriage recently. Some of his good friends came to our house for a some drinks last night and I was asking them about their weddings for ideas and one of them blurted out ‘make sure you propose properly this time’ and they all laughed. I asked what they meant and they said he’d proposed to an ex and the ‘funny’ story that went along with it. All while dp was sitting red faced at the table. When his friends left I asked him why he hadn’t told me in 2 years of a relationship that he’d proposed to a woman before, he couldn’t answer. I’m now feeling insecure and a bit upset. Obviously people have pasts, divorces etc but he wasn’t upfront with me early on and now I’m hearing it second hand I’m hurt. Knowing if we get engaged it won’t be the first time he’s asked someone to marry him has made it a bit disheartening. Possibly the shock but it would have been nice if it was the first time for us both and now I’ll be wondering how he proposed to her, what ring it was and all that palava. I know she cheated on him and was violent so it didn’t last more than a year but I wish he’d told me. Am I being silly for feeling like it’s ruined a special moment for me? How can I move forward and not let it upset me?

OP posts:
PinkButtercups · 28/05/2022 22:53

I don't think you're silly for feeling hurt he never told you.

I think it's something that he should've mentioned and didn't now it's come out in not the best way.

The thing is, unless you're childhood sweethearts and even then not all the time but people have pasts.

Just because he proposed the first time doesn't mean yours will be any less special.

justasking111 · 28/05/2022 22:57

My OH was engaged before he hadn't told me I found the ring when he asked me to look for something in the glove compartment of his car while we were driving to a restaurant. That was a bit of an OMG moment finding a ring box. Once we clarified it wasn't for me he told me the story which was sad.

I did get my own ring and have worn it for 45 years.

He was very embarrassed about it I recall

spotcheck · 28/05/2022 22:57

This kinda happened to me.
I found out my (now) ex husband had been engaged, and hadn't told me in over a decade of marriage.
I'm sure people will be along to say that you have no right to know/ demand knowledge, and how dare you be upset.

I WAS upset though. I trusted him enough to tell him my past, he kept his hidden. It was another thing which helped chip away at the trust I had for him.

Have you talked to him?

Rainbowqueeen · 28/05/2022 22:58

It sounds like it was an abusive relationship where potentially he was coerced into proposing.

whereas this sounds like a more mature relationship where he has taken his time to be sure and is doing it because it’s what he wants.

Can you reframe it that way in your mind??

Original poster
Itsmytreehouse · 28/05/2022 23:07

Thanks everyone yes rainbow queen I am trying to be sympathetic and see it in that light you’re right, I just feel sad at the thought of him proposing to someone else and he admitted the details this morning including how expensive the ring was which he can’t afford anymore. I don’t like to compare as money means nothing to me but if we get engaged it won’t be as extravagant as his first go at it. I’m scared I won’t enjoy the moment because I’ll just be replaying their moment, silly I know, maybe it’s jealousy.

OP posts:
Shinyandnew1 · 28/05/2022 23:15

They sound like slightly shit friends if I’m
honest.

RewildingAmbridge · 28/05/2022 23:24

Thing is ultimately it didn't work before because she wasn't the right person for him (far from it by the sounds of things) and there may well have been an element of coercion or desperately trying to patch things up/make it work with an abusive partner, so really it doesn't matter how expensive the ring was or the type of proposal, wouldn't you rather have a nice but cheaper ring, lower key proposal and a long lasting happy marriage?

Pipersouth · 28/05/2022 23:35

My Dad was engaged before he married my Mum - even tried to give her the old engagement ring! They would have made it to their golden wedding anniversary of it wasn’t for illness. One bad decision shouldn’t always cause a good decision to be doubted especially if they realised it was wrong.

Daisy95 · 28/05/2022 23:47

From the other point of view I'd been engaged before getting with my now husband. I was so embarrassed about it and never wanted to say yes to the engagement, and broke it off as soon as we were back from the trip away. My now husband knew about it, but I was so embarrassed by being engaged before and hated the thought of my husband proposing and it wouldn't be the first time I'd been proposed too, I actually ended up proposing to my husband.

I think if my husband hadn't have known through the grapevine before us getting together I would definitely have been mega embarrassed to tell him.
Maybe that's why he didn't say anything?

Doggyfish · 29/05/2022 02:37

Itsmytreehouse · 28/05/2022 23:07

Thanks everyone yes rainbow queen I am trying to be sympathetic and see it in that light you’re right, I just feel sad at the thought of him proposing to someone else and he admitted the details this morning including how expensive the ring was which he can’t afford anymore. I don’t like to compare as money means nothing to me but if we get engaged it won’t be as extravagant as his first go at it. I’m scared I won’t enjoy the moment because I’ll just be replaying their moment, silly I know, maybe it’s jealousy.

Don't let the past eat away at you, those days have been and gone and they're really not worth wasting time being jealous of. Grand gestures are common in first relationships when you're inexperienced and doing what you think you're supposed to, but they rarely make anyone happy.

Staryflight445 · 29/05/2022 03:15

Doggyfish · 29/05/2022 02:37

Don't let the past eat away at you, those days have been and gone and they're really not worth wasting time being jealous of. Grand gestures are common in first relationships when you're inexperienced and doing what you think you're supposed to, but they rarely make anyone happy.

Show quote history

I feel the same about my partner. He didn’t make any effort to propose to me but he made a huge effort for someone else.

ill never stop wondering if he loved her more.
Think about your feelings and do what’s right for you op, he kept this from you which isn’t right at all.

caringcarer · 29/05/2022 05:15

I was madly in love and got engaged at 18. 18 months later at uni I realised we were not as suited as I thought so broke it off. Five years later I got married. Sadly that broke down after 20 years. I met someone else and later married him. Reading your post I just realized my current DH knows I was married and divorced before we met but not that I was engaged before that. Not that he would care. My point is my first engagement was wrong and insignificant so I had actually forgotten about it.

GodspeedJune · 29/05/2022 05:24

Yes, in the kindest way, it would be really silly to let this affect how you’d feel if/ when he proposes to you. It was a different relationship, a different time in his life, and ultimately she wasn’t the right person for him. Honestly I don’t think he did anything wrong by not mentioning it to you.

Chickmad · 29/05/2022 05:53

@Itsmytreehouse I can understand being hurt by the not telling you bit. I had the same with my DH. In his case he hadn't told me out of embarrassment as the whole relationship had been toxic. I think it hurt that he had even contemplated asking her, and then did so but at the time hadn't asked me.

But I do worry slightly at your hurt at the value of the engagement ring. That things won't be "as extravagant"...which somewhat undermines your "money means nothing to me" statement.

Due to our circumstances at the time my rings were all purchased second hand and therefore way below what they would have been new, but all beautifully cleaned and restored. My DH's wedding band was new and cost him a grand total of £4.99 as it is a thick sterling silver band. That ring hasn't left his finger since and hopefully never will. He has said that to him it is priceless.

Our wedding bands and my rings (engagement and eternity) are worth far more than the money they cost. The sentiment behind them determines their value in our opinion. We don't understand the trend for people upgrading engagement rings either. My ring was the one chose and the one he pledged on, so why would I change it?

I understand your emotions at the hiding. But when the time comes that he does propose to you, you can bet it will be far more heartfelt than whatever coerced toxic business he was pushed into before. You will know he genuinely wants to get engaged to you and that he will have thought long and hard about the decision, having had a lucky escape. The strength and veracity of his feelings will mean that whatever ring he choses will have far more than its retail value

LoveActually89 · 29/05/2022 06:07

He should've told you but it sounds like something he wanted to forget.

However, you're being OTT with the whole I wanted us to be each others first. Life isn't like that. Some people marry a couple of times before really finding the one. If he does propose to you, I bet he'll do it differently, different ring and setting!

Fuuuuuckit · 29/05/2022 06:45

but if we get engaged it won’t be as extravagant as his first go at it.

Without telling us the whole story about his big fancy first engagement, I really don't get the whole extravagant engagement (or the tens of thousands of pounds spent on a single day for the wedding).

People get 'engaged' quietly all the time without some complicated plan and big reveal - friends of mine had a discussion about marriage, agreed it would be great, and then started planning the rest of their lives together. I've witnessed a beautiful moment one evening outside St Paul's cathedral when the chap got down on one knee as the couple were walking through the square, I've seen proposals up the Eiffel Tower, in Tmes Square and surprise flash mob ordeals where the bride had to say yes.

If you really want to be married to him, it shouldn't matter that he's done the whole engagement thing before. That didn't work out for him. Why not go one better and plan your own proposal?

Disclaimer - my proposal was a tipsy 'shall we/go on then' that ended in an acrimonious and terribly expensive divorce. My dp wouldn't have to try too hard to beat that, and while there are a few places around the world that are super super special to us, I'd be more than happy with a silly in the moment proposal whilst cooking tea with a cheese and onion hula hoop.

Fuuuuuckit · 29/05/2022 06:50

My engagement ring isn't worth a quarter of what it cost new.

I'd be completely happy if dp and I were to choose a vintage bit of bling but 4 times fancier, than spend the same money on a new piece with an ethically questionable provenance

heartsinklife · 29/05/2022 08:36

I was engaged before
Never tell anyone
People are all very surprised when they find out

He was not a nice person and I just want to forget it - whole relationship was fake

It would not cross my mind to tell a new partner if I am honest
Why does it make any difference to the here and now?

I would not even consider the engagement ring and cost? I honestly cannot even remember what mines cost or looked like now - I would rather have never been given it. I would rather have a decent relationship than a ring any day

Badfootkk · 29/05/2022 08:41

I don't think it is the ' firsts' that count it is the 'lasts' that matter.

heartsinklife · 29/05/2022 08:42

Badfootkk · 29/05/2022 08:41

I don't think it is the ' firsts' that count it is the 'lasts' that matter.

Poetry in motion

CPL593H · 29/05/2022 08:50

Badfootkk · 29/05/2022 08:41

I don't think it is the ' firsts' that count it is the 'lasts' that matter.

Wonderfully put.

BEAM123 · 29/05/2022 08:54

Totally understandable that you'd be upset as he hadn't told you, give yourself time to process it and talk through more with him.

His friends were very thoughtless, both of his feelings and yours.

I found out a bf was still legally married after we'd been together 2 years. Shocking. He'd decided it wasn't important and I didn't need to know. Except....he was legally married, which has legal implications.

In your case maybe your bf had the whole relationship pegged as being an embarrassing mess 'in his younger days' and irrelevant compared to what he feels for you / how good your relationship is?

This was a horrible way for you to find out :-(

aSofaNearYou · 29/05/2022 08:59

I can see why it bothered you and I HATE when friends do things like this, it's not funny and it blindsides the partner. It's why I hate best man speeches!

But at least he wasn't married before and doesn't have children (I assume). In the grand scheme of things you will have the significant firsts with him, many people get engaged flippantly, that isn't a big one.

picassobride · 29/05/2022 09:20

Stop over thinking. You had a life before you met him, so did he.
Why would one want to talk about something so personal that didn't come to be?

notacooldad · 29/05/2022 09:25

I found out about 6 years into the relationship that Dh had been engaged before. I can honestly say that it wssnt a big deal to me.
I knew his ex cheated on him with his best friend ( I know this to be true because many other people in the village told me)

Funny enough I met her by chance when I bought something off Facebook years later and she is nice. Just DH and her weren't meant to be.