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Original poster

Abandoned hope of this guy?

30 replies

Bagpusssays · 28/05/2022 20:47

My sanity rests with you...

Crush on single guy at work (I'm single. Work would have no issues if we dated).

Things progress and are pleasant between us, chatting at lunch and in breaks, lingering looks, getting to know each other.

He does not seem about to make a move.

I had a v stressful bad week at work last week. He wasn't supportive. Similarly a few weeks back I had a tough decision to make in my personal life. He was unfirthcoming.

I'm sensing he is emotionally not very capable...of offering support, of listening after a hard day, possibly even of figuring out his own feelings towards me.

I can swop my days in office so as not to see him (and hence get over my feelings). The risk is that if he is just a bit shy (which he certainly was with me...hands would shake, would turn bright red, now seems to have got past this) I could miss out on what is in other senses a very intelligent, reliable, hardworking and funny guy.

My friends say to be patient, but it's hard working in such close proximity to someone like this, getting all the dopamine hits, but no date! Plus I suspect others in the office may notice.

OP posts:
countvoncount · 28/05/2022 20:55

Sounds an arse if he couldn't muster a kind word while you were struggling.
On the other hand during lunch you could quite easily ask if he fancies a drink after work?
Time waits for no man, you want, you ask

toastedbagiel · 28/05/2022 20:57

You have a crush, he is pleasant. I think you are reading too much in to things and even if he was interested you are extremely premature to expect emotional support.

pictish · 28/05/2022 20:58

Pffft nah. You fancy him but it’s not a connection.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Dating General relationships
DatingIsDifficult · 28/05/2022 20:59

’you want, you ask’

this is my motto. It hasn’t got me anywhere, but it’s still my motto 😁.

redheadmary · 28/05/2022 21:06

F

MissMaple82 · 28/05/2022 21:07

You expect a man you're not even dating to be emotionally available to you?!?!?

Original poster
Bagpusssays · 28/05/2022 21:19

That's an interesting challenge @MissMaple82

I suppose it is that 6 to 8 other colleagues were supportive with the work issues last week, ie saying I was doing a good job, that I was the best person to handle it, that it wasn't my fault, whereas he didn't offer any such reassurance. I wasn't wanting to sit and sob on him, but perhaps a few thoughtful words. Maybe you're right and that hope was wrong.

OP posts:
Inthesameboatatmo · 28/05/2022 21:27

He's not that into you .

toastedbagiel · 28/05/2022 21:31

Bagpusssays · 28/05/2022 21:19

That's an interesting challenge @MissMaple82

I suppose it is that 6 to 8 other colleagues were supportive with the work issues last week, ie saying I was doing a good job, that I was the best person to handle it, that it wasn't my fault, whereas he didn't offer any such reassurance. I wasn't wanting to sit and sob on him, but perhaps a few thoughtful words. Maybe you're right and that hope was wrong.

This is just making you sound more needy. If you come across that way in real life it's no surprise he is backing off before it even gets going.

Original poster
Bagpusssays · 28/05/2022 21:31

@Inthesameboatatmo because of the lack of support? Or because he hasn't asked me out? In which case do you suggest I swop my office days, meaning we don't need to see each other.

OP posts:
Inthesameboatatmo · 28/05/2022 21:34

I would swap definitely. I really don't think he thinks of you the way you would like him to. Save face and swap.

BakedTattie · 28/05/2022 21:35

You sound a bit full on.

are you actually dating him? Texting? Anything?!

Original poster
Bagpusssays · 28/05/2022 21:42

I'll swop. Thanks all.

OP posts:
Moretodo · 28/05/2022 21:46

I think it quite normal to offer a bit of support/few words to a colleague.
If I was interested in them even more so.

For this reason I would consider him not boyfriend material.

He sounds awkward and nervy, which is fine, but not for a boyfriend.
Hard work.

AnuSTart · 28/05/2022 21:49

He's just not that into you.
Maybe he did think you had done the wrong thing at work ?

Original poster
Bagpusssays · 28/05/2022 21:52

Thanks @Moretodo . I agree.

I'm not saying I disagree at all with those saying he's just not into you, but obviously I had reasons to think otherwise, which I'm not inclined to list given the tone from some posters!!

@AnuSTart he probably thinks it was my job to solve the problem and that he solves bigger ones so yes that's fair

OP posts:
toastedbagiel · 28/05/2022 22:01

I'm not saying I disagree at all with those saying he's just not into you, but obviously I had reasons to think otherwise, which I'm not inclined to list given the tone from some posters!!

By tone you mean not agreeing with you? Or pointing out what you don't want to hear? The idea of swapping your work days because of a man you have a crush on is extreme.

Usou · 28/05/2022 22:06

Quite possible he really fancies you, but is nervous about being seen as a workplace harasser or having to work together afterwards if you reject him - and just looking plain stupid in front of everybody.

Original poster
Bagpusssays · 28/05/2022 22:13

Yes @Usou this is something I have considered. He's asked me to drinks with a group twice but I couldn't make it. It's not terribly clear.

He certainly is shy and I have been told by my boss and others that he is, generally and quite apart from me, shy.

The situation is only 5-6 weeks old since he moved desks to be next to mine. Before that I didn't really notice him. Our work doesn't overlap often.

At least I did resolve the work challenge!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Bagpusssays · 28/05/2022 22:17

@toastedbagiel by tone I mean tone, ie the lexical, grammatical and semantic choices used by an author to communicate their point with regard to the affect it has on the reader. One widely understood idea is that by choosing words with care, the same essential argument can be communicated in ways which show, for example, respect, compassion, restraint and allow and invite discussion. It's a fascinating topic.

OP posts:
ThreeRingCircus · 28/05/2022 22:20

You are reading far too much into it OP. I'd just ask him if he fancies a drink one night after work.

toastedbagiel · 28/05/2022 22:26

Bagpusssays · 28/05/2022 22:17

@toastedbagiel by tone I mean tone, ie the lexical, grammatical and semantic choices used by an author to communicate their point with regard to the affect it has on the reader. One widely understood idea is that by choosing words with care, the same essential argument can be communicated in ways which show, for example, respect, compassion, restraint and allow and invite discussion. It's a fascinating topic.

What an excellent idea example you have given OP.

Johnnysgirl · 28/05/2022 22:34

He certainly is shy and I have been told by my boss and others that he is, generally and quite apart from me, shy.
Your boss really shouldn't be having conversations like that.

ENoeuf · 28/05/2022 22:39

Bagpusssays · 28/05/2022 22:17

@toastedbagiel by tone I mean tone, ie the lexical, grammatical and semantic choices used by an author to communicate their point with regard to the affect it has on the reader. One widely understood idea is that by choosing words with care, the same essential argument can be communicated in ways which show, for example, respect, compassion, restraint and allow and invite discussion. It's a fascinating topic.

Would it not be 'effect' rather than 'affect' ? Interested in why not?
On topic , maybe he felt there was nothing to add if several colleagues had been sympathetic?

Original poster
Bagpusssays · 28/05/2022 22:46

Johnnysgirl · 28/05/2022 22:34

He certainly is shy and I have been told by my boss and others that he is, generally and quite apart from me, shy.
Your boss really shouldn't be having conversations like that.

This was not in relation to anything other than him giving presentations and interacting with colleagues!!!! It was given to explain his reticence to engage in some activities and in the context of him having other skills and qualities. Sirry this was not clear.

OP posts:
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