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Original poster

Baby/children with no help... is it that bad?

32 replies

MangoTango28 · 27/05/2022 23:13

My DP and I are starting to talk about trying for a baby next year as I'm getting over 30 and I really want to be a mum. Always have.

We live outside of the UK and have a really happy lifestyle but it means being away from family support system and I'm worried as lots of friends with children say they couldn't cope without the help they get.... so my ask , is it really that hard?

some positives in my mind...


  • My partner works 6am - 2pm so can help a lot in afternoons

  • I will likely work 3 days per week - my work are very family friendly and flexible /understanding to parents. Mostly WFH .

  • We will qualify for 50 percent of childcare fees reimbursed from day one . Cost of equivalent approx around £40 per day in day care and I get paid currently £23 per hour (partner is similar)

  • parents will visit so we will get rare nights off on those occasions and some friends may help occasionally if we asked.


thoughts?

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 27/05/2022 23:18

Nobody has the perfect set up. Some people get lots of help from families, others none. I wouldn't let that stop you having kids though. You cope with whatever your situation ends up being.

Kite22 · 27/05/2022 23:23

Sounds like you are in a much better position than most.

However, as Ginger says, you cope with whatever life throws at you. Even parents of triplets survive ! Grin

SarahAndQuack · 28/05/2022 00:50

It all sounds as if you have plenty of support? You can afford to work part-time, so that's something; you have parents and friends able to help.

I think the only issue is you also characterise your partner's contribution as 'help,' which is a bit odd. You clearly do have what most of us would understand as 'help' overall, so is the reason you say you have 'no help' that you (and your partner) are expecting a situation where you really do pretty much all of the childcare from day one, bar those bits in the afternoon?

If so, I think it might be worth rethinking. Would it be possible your partner would, for instance, wake at 4am with a newborn (who is likely to be awake) and give you a couple of hours before work starts?

I agree with PP that there's not much point comparing other people's wider family situations really. We've never had much outside help. My parents took DD from 9-3 for three days when she was about 15 months old; my MIL did the same for a day; my mum came up once when I had a job interview, and I think she's babysat DD in our house for an hour or two 5 times. DD's five. And of course, many people have far less support.

IMO, the issue isn't the outside support. The biggest thing is how you and your partner tackle things together.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Childcare & nursery Families
MolliciousIntent · 28/05/2022 00:54

We've never had much outside help. My parents took DD from 9-3 for three days when she was about 15 months old

@SarahAndQuack how is childcare half the week "not much help" !?

MolliciousIntent · 28/05/2022 00:56

MolliciousIntent · 28/05/2022 00:54

We've never had much outside help. My parents took DD from 9-3 for three days when she was about 15 months old

@SarahAndQuack how is childcare half the week "not much help" !?

Ignore me, just reread your post & I get it now. Sorry!

RaisinGhost · 28/05/2022 01:28

I wouldn't worry about it. My parents live close by but aren't interested in babysitting at all and that's fine. I wouldn't ask friends, that's too much to ask. We use childcare, and babysitters if needed. We have found babysitters online, on apps, and on local area fb groups.

As for your friends who think they couldn't get by without family support, it depends what you are used to really. I can't imagine how I'd get by with that much family support - parents getting involved in how I parent, in laws in my house 4 days a week, complicated relationships, problems if they are sick/on holiday ... nah. Childcare is so much easier. Yes it costs money but you get what you pay for.

Original poster
MangoTango28 · 28/05/2022 05:45

SarahAndQuack · 28/05/2022 00:50

It all sounds as if you have plenty of support? You can afford to work part-time, so that's something; you have parents and friends able to help.

I think the only issue is you also characterise your partner's contribution as 'help,' which is a bit odd. You clearly do have what most of us would understand as 'help' overall, so is the reason you say you have 'no help' that you (and your partner) are expecting a situation where you really do pretty much all of the childcare from day one, bar those bits in the afternoon?

If so, I think it might be worth rethinking. Would it be possible your partner would, for instance, wake at 4am with a newborn (who is likely to be awake) and give you a couple of hours before work starts?

I agree with PP that there's not much point comparing other people's wider family situations really. We've never had much outside help. My parents took DD from 9-3 for three days when she was about 15 months old; my MIL did the same for a day; my mum came up once when I had a job interview, and I think she's babysat DD in our house for an hour or two 5 times. DD's five. And of course, many people have far less support.

IMO, the issue isn't the outside support. The biggest thing is how you and your partner tackle things together.

Sorry when I talk about my partners 'help' in the afternoon, I think I am thinking when on maternity and I am doing majority of care and off work. I think it's a real advantage he'll be back at 2pm to take over abit 😅

my parents would likely be able to visit once a year for two/three weeks.

OP posts:
Original poster
MangoTango28 · 28/05/2022 05:46

RaisinGhost · 28/05/2022 01:28

I wouldn't worry about it. My parents live close by but aren't interested in babysitting at all and that's fine. I wouldn't ask friends, that's too much to ask. We use childcare, and babysitters if needed. We have found babysitters online, on apps, and on local area fb groups.

As for your friends who think they couldn't get by without family support, it depends what you are used to really. I can't imagine how I'd get by with that much family support - parents getting involved in how I parent, in laws in my house 4 days a week, complicated relationships, problems if they are sick/on holiday ... nah. Childcare is so much easier. Yes it costs money but you get what you pay for.

That's very true - the interfering.
I might be overthinking as I have a great relationships with my parents and DP parents and they would likely help alot if we were local.

OP posts:
Shehasadiamondinthesky · 28/05/2022 05:52

I didn't have any help at all, single mum, relatives abroad. I also worked full time.
We managed, I loved the time when it was just me and DS when he was a small baby and we only had eyes for each other. It was just so easy not having anyone else's needs to cater for. We just slept when we wanted and did what we wanted. I loved it.
Life gets complicated when you have a demanding husband and relatives always coming over.

BertieBotts · 28/05/2022 05:57

You'll make new friends because you'll meet people who have children the same age through baby groups and then nursery etc.

Never had family support here. I agree it's more about your partner and now supportive they are. Family support was not something I ever expected to have, and find it a bit baffling when people have it TBH!

MsChatterbox · 28/05/2022 06:04

You can do it. I'm lucky that I have the option of help. But I have quite bad separation anxiety through baby and toddler stage so did not leave them even for an hour with their own dad when very young. Then didn't leave oldest till he was 3 with grandparents. I might get flamed for that. But wanted to say I survived and even enjoyed the majority of it. Didn't feel like I needed any help.

easyday · 28/05/2022 06:10

I had no support from either family (my parents well in to their 70s and not resident of the same country half the year, his not interested, my siblings live abroad). Perfectly doable with some flexibility as you have stated you have.
Sure life's going to change, even more so as kids age, and consider you may have to pay for extra support from time to time (for example having a cleaner may help when things seem to get on top of you etc).

BendingSpoons · 28/05/2022 06:51

To me, the reason family help is so popular is:

  1. to reduce childcare costs - this sounds manageable for you. Plus grandparents doing childcare isn't always perfect!
  2. To give you the occasional break - make use of this when they come! You can manage this in other ways e.g. babysit for each other with friends or pay a babysitter or just structure your lives differently e.g. having a take away and glass of wine when DC is in bed
  3. Helping out ad-hoc and last minute e.g. if child is ill, if you need to go to an appointment. This is easier with a flexible job and people manage without this.
bakewellbride · 28/05/2022 06:54

2 under 4 here op. Zero family help. Nearest family 160 miles away. Amazing dh but he works in the ambulance so very long hours. We are all doing great - you'll be fine! We have a few lovely friends who we feel comfortable relying on for occasional childcare e.g so we can go on a date and of course we return the favour. Friends are vital!

imip · 28/05/2022 06:55

dh and my family love half a world a way. We have 4 dc and have somehow managed. What was difficult for us is that 3 dc have SEN and it is isolating, but we have/are managing.

Cathy31 · 28/05/2022 07:15

I have no family support either as we live abroad too (and my family are... troubled....) I had 2 under 2. It's great. Incredibly hard at times, sleep deprivation with my first nearly killed me but sounds like your DH will be around a lot more than mine could be, and your childcare costs are a lot less. It's honestly great, I feel so much stronger since I had mine and had to manage alone - I feel hard-core and amazing. And now they're a bit older, we're considering no. 3. That's not to say I wouldn't love to have a fantasy gran nearby, but she doesn't exist in our family, and we don't need her.

Flatandhappy · 28/05/2022 07:36

Our friends became our family when we had our three kids. My family were in a different country, DH’s same country but nowhere near. You manage and help each other out. Our eldest has a child now and between us and DIL’s family we do three full working days’ childcare (7-6), overnights and weekends and they say they find it tough! I know it’s not a competition but some days my sympathy wears a bit thin.

CoverYourselfInChocolateGlory · 28/05/2022 07:42

Talk to your DP now about what role you will both play in childcare, how finances will be managed and what support you'll need. It's very easy to make assumptions about how involved the father will be and some men just don't see it as their responsibility at all. Getting that straight now will save a lot of potential issues, as multiple threads on this site can illustrate.

You say you have friends which is great, but think about what friends and community you'll be part of when you have a baby - are there groups or networks you can join. Adult conversation and someone you can share experiences with will be invaluable.

Best of luck OP - you're in a better position than many!

JenniferBarkley · 28/05/2022 08:17

Our family are all over an hour away so closer than yours but still no practical support. We have two preschoolers, both work full-time and use nursery. It's fine. Flexible jobs help. It's intense at times but no regrets.

It would be useful to have family around the corner for emergencies - DH was away with work last weekend and dc1 was unwell. I was doing mental gymnastics to figure out how to get dc2 looked after if things got worse and we needed to go to A&E. But between neighbours, friends and a couple of the women from nursery who do a bit of babysitting for us I think I would've found someone and people are always willing to help in an emergency like that.

You will need your DP fully on board, so make sure he realises that everything outside of pregnancy and breastfeeding (if you choose to) is his duty as much as yours.

Strawblue · 28/05/2022 08:26

No family to help here either. PIL are elderly and can’t manage, SIL has her own child and is not particularly interested in spending time with us; my parents live overseas and other relatives too far away.

You just get on with it and manage. Make sure you go out and try and meet other new mums/engage with existing friends during your maternity leave to help avoid feeling isolated. In time you may build up good friendships where you can babysit for each other occasionally etc to get a break.

On the upside you can see many a thread on here about nightmare interfering family and on-laws so you avoid that crap.

reluctantbrit · 28/05/2022 08:28

Neither we nor most of our friends have family close by for regular help. We all rely on the odd day long pre-arranged when a family member is there or we pay for a babysitter/help each other out.

A support network is great but it doesn't have to be family. DD also went a day to nursery when I was at home, giving me some space and time for all the things you can't really have a child around.

You learn to make it work.

Twizbe · 28/05/2022 09:31

If you're having a baby outside the UK but are British other important things to research first are;

  • what nationality will baby be?
  • will they need their own visa
  • will you need to pay any medical bills and if so what are they
  • what is the maternity leave / parental leave situation
  • what happens if you split up, can one of you bring the baby back to the UK?
  • what difference does not being married make? Is it easier legally if you are?
Original poster
MangoTango28 · 28/05/2022 23:42

Twizbe · 28/05/2022 09:31

If you're having a baby outside the UK but are British other important things to research first are;

  • what nationality will baby be?
  • will they need their own visa
  • will you need to pay any medical bills and if so what are they
  • what is the maternity leave / parental leave situation
  • what happens if you split up, can one of you bring the baby back to the UK?
  • what difference does not being married make? Is it easier legally if you are?

Very good questions indeed - dual citizenship and so would any children be luckily. Medical and maternity all fine too.

As for splitting up , that is a more complex one but I'd like to think we could come to a conclusion best for the children at the time. I'd move back if that's what was right .

OP posts:
Original poster
MangoTango28 · 28/05/2022 23:45

CoverYourselfInChocolateGlory · 28/05/2022 07:42

Talk to your DP now about what role you will both play in childcare, how finances will be managed and what support you'll need. It's very easy to make assumptions about how involved the father will be and some men just don't see it as their responsibility at all. Getting that straight now will save a lot of potential issues, as multiple threads on this site can illustrate.

You say you have friends which is great, but think about what friends and community you'll be part of when you have a baby - are there groups or networks you can join. Adult conversation and someone you can share experiences with will be invaluable.

Best of luck OP - you're in a better position than many!

Luckily are finances are all shared now and that would remain the same - works really well for us (controversial I know unmarried 😁)

We have talked about how would work with his hours and mine and what the set up might look like and based around other friends with babies giving us pointers! But who knows what ours will be like 😁

I found a local app for new mums which I'd be keen to join to hopefully meet others at the time. I'm quite confident and ok at making friends which I suppose goes in my favour aswell.

OP posts:
AliceMcK · 28/05/2022 23:52

3 children and never had help, DH and I have had maybe half a dozen child free nights in over 10 years. We don’t have any family childcare, anyone to help with school pickups or even to help out if we are ill, it’s just us. It’s hard at times but as long as you work as a team it’s manageable and definitely gets easier as they get older.