Baby/children with no help... is it that bad?

[MangoTango28]

My DP and I are starting to talk about trying for a baby next year as I'm getting over 30 and I really want to be a mum. Always have.

We live outside of the UK and have a really happy lifestyle but it means being away from family support system and I'm worried as lots of friends with children say they couldn't cope without the help they get.... so my ask , is it really that hard?

some positives in my mind...

• My partner works 6am - 2pm so can help a lot in afternoons


• I will likely work 3 days per week - my work are very family friendly and flexible /understanding to parents. Mostly WFH .


• We will qualify for 50 percent of childcare fees reimbursed from day one . Cost of equivalent approx around £40 per day in day care and I get paid currently £23 per hour (partner is similar)


• parents will visit so we will get rare nights off on those occasions and some friends may help occasionally if we asked.

thoughts?

We’ve never had any help (not close to family and they don’t live nearby anyway). It’s been absolutely fine. But we’re a team and work together.

That said, my grandparents provided full time childcare for me from 3 months to when I started school and then did all the school runs, fed me dinner 5 nights a week, I usually slept over 1-2 nights a week. And my mum still struggled to cope.

I think it’s so much more about the strength of your relationship and your own personal resilience. Parenting is hard. But it’s totally possible to manage if you have the right support, but that doesn’t have to be extended family, per se.

It sounds as though you have plenty of support? Your partner will help in the afternoons and you earn way more than childcare will cost. The only thing you’ll struggle with is being unable to go out in the evening, you’ll have to take turns.

I think you're fine. We have never lived in same city as family and for the majority of the time in separate countries. Your partner's hours could make a big difference - my DH used to go into the office early to do a 7-3 and there was still so much day left when he got home.

I guess it partly depends what you want though. We've never had a DS free night (he's six now!) except when partner went away for work and I went away for a funeral, and none together, but it really doesn't bother me. We've done a lot of cool travel but we've done it all together. That was what we wanted though. When we've gone out in the evening it's usually been either separately or to restaurants and we've taken DS (he has been very well behaved in them or this wouldn't have been possible.) Or visiting family/them visiting we get a break. I have a very large family so that isn't as rarely as it sounds.

If work are okay about childcare emergencies/ sickness I don't think you'll have a problem.

I loved having my family nearish for the time we were back when DS was little but I didn't NEED it. Especially because once we left DH changed to a much more flexible job.

(The only bit that would bother me is the actual birth - but only because I already have a kid. I am pregnant overseas right now, have to go home for the birth anyway as DH's work terms won't allow it here, but would anyway so that I'll have family to watch DS while I have baby/ DH visits if I'm kept in. But chances are it's a really different situation for you - this is a developing country and healthcare can be dicey!)

I should add that he wasn't a very easy baby either, but actually for that very reason it didn't make much difference being near people or not, because he just wanted mum all the time and didn't even like other people holding him lol. Little git.

No family no friends no childcare and no partner to help here so I took your question at face value and was going to say no it’s not that bad. I had a baby and it was just us two against the world and we muddled along just fine. Even with no one else to help or even hold the baby for a second here or there. We were happy enough.

@MangoTango28 make sure you've looked up the legal situation. I think it's France where one parent isn't allowed by law to take the child to another country (I could be entirely wrong / out of date on that) but worth ensuring you know.

Never assume an ex will be reasonable in a split.

This bit is so so important - it’s not just France , it’s any signatory to The Hague Convention. You will need permission of other parent to relocate.