Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

If you went off work sick with stress

54 replies

Redsheetbedsheet · 26/05/2022 19:26

What was your breaking point?

I can't even think straight. I don't know if I should just leave but I'm not in the frame of mind to get a new job.

I have a long history of mental health issues but have always worked, except for a 2 year period after having DC where I had a total breakdown (many years ago). Now I'm not in a good place anyway and the stress of work is making life unmanageable.

Don't know what to do

Name changed to ask this

OP posts:
Maverickess · 26/05/2022 22:30

Recognising my break point and doing something about it was a massive step forward for me in managing my mental health.
It's happened a couple of times and I hung on and hung on and things got to crisis point and it was public, far worse and needed longer to recover than if I had recognised and heeded the warning signs earlier.
Learning to do that has made a massive difference. I left a job a few months ago after only 6 months because I was heading back down that road, and I recognised it early enough to weigh my options and decide that it wasn't going to get better and get something else before the crash came. I felt better as soon as I finished my last shift, well as soon as I handed my notice in really and am doing much better now, even with 'new job' stress to account for.
Listen to your mind now and at least get signed off by the GP, an opportunity came along for me at exactly the right time, but if it hadn't that's what I would have done, sometimes you just need to stop don't you?
I hope you feel better soon OP 💐

Oldfilmsareshit · 26/05/2022 22:38

@RosesAndHellebores do you want a medal 🏅

midlifecrash · 26/05/2022 22:41

@dalmatianmad I’m so sorry for what happened to you. You’re suffering from trauma because nobody should be forced to go through what you did

Maverickess · 26/05/2022 22:54

@dalmatianmad

You did not fail anyone, the people who put you in that situation did, you did what many HCPs have to do now and you worked with the resources you had at the time - the fact they were woefully inadequate is not your fault. You asked for help from the nurse manager and were given one unqualified member of staff in replacement of four qualified ones.

Makes me so angry what is done to the HCPs that really care and really give. If you're not ready to go back then don't, it's not worth your health or your life, you are seen, you are heard and you are appreciated and you are supported - even just by a stranger on the internet - but I also hope deeply that you are IRL too with people around you.
💐

WeAreTheHeroes · 26/05/2022 22:57

Can you really not understand @RosesAndHellebores? Some people get gradually ground down by some of the behaviours inflicted on them, they lose self confidence and self worth. Financial situations can make it hard to get out. Sometimes it's not wanting to leave others in the lurch unsupported, such as patients, students or service users, etc. The ability to just walk out of a job is not one open to the majority.

CaptSkippy · 26/05/2022 23:04

Crying for hours, snapping at coworkers, not being able to face work, not being able to concentrate, trouble sleeping, generally feeling like going through a fog, having not a single enjoyable task anymore.

CaptSkippy · 26/05/2022 23:18

I'd really like to understand why people stay in jobs that reduce them to tears and make them ill. I've had one or two jobs I didn't like, or rather found the environments toxic and I got another job and left. Probably easier in London than elsewhere.

That's a really good question. It starts with a few incidents and spirals out of control. While you focus on putting out fires you ignore the warning signs of your head and later of your body, till you're smack bang in the middle of the hell. That's how it happened for me.

Then again I also have an issue with boundaries. Often I need to get angry before people respect them and that takes an enormous amount of energy too. Sometimes I am so focused on what I am doing that I end up saying yes to things I shouldn't have. When I then come back and tell them I have changed my mind I face a lot of anger. Often when I have said no I've had people escalate things on me to the point where one time I had the CEO of our company and the CEO of the customer browbeat me into working the night before Christmas. I felt put under so much pressure I couldn't say no anymore.

PyongyangKipperbang · 26/05/2022 23:26

For me it was when I was when the idea f being at work was just the worst thing I could think of. I went to the doctor who weighed and measured me, took bloods etc and called me two days later and said that I had to be signed off work or I would be in hospital for malnutrition, I had lost 6 stone and while I was overweight to start with, by that point I had an eating disorder that I am still battling 2 years later.

Then lockdown happened a week before I was due back and I realised that during the whole summer of lockdown I didnt get a single migraine that previously had been a bi weekly occurance. Within a week of being back (straight into Eat Out to Help Out) I had a migraine and then another a few days later. Luckily, although I didnt see it at the time, because I had been there under two years me and everyone else in that situation got binned off (4000 people in 2 days) as furlough was about to end and the pubs were being closed again.

I now work a shitty part time NMW shop job while I figure out what to retrain in (no mean feat at 49) but I havent had another migraine since!

Anon1717 · 26/05/2022 23:39

A few years ago I was sacked for taking ONE sick day for depression. I'd disclosed a mental health problem months earlier, during onboarding.

I sued them and settled, but it was horribly stressful for the two years the case dragged on. I've never taken time off for mental health since and never disclose.

BarnacleNora · 27/05/2022 02:17

I've had it with two jobs. Both times I was completely and utterly burnt out and beyond the limit of what I could do rather than any specific situation.

Anyway, both times in retrospect it had been building for a number of weeks. Dropping balls on fairly simple things, forgetting to reply to emails, remembering client appointments at the last minute or late despite them being in my diary, that sort of thing. It was also harder and harder to get up in the mornings, not from tiredness (although my sleep was becoming worse) but because I was desperate to stay safe in bed rather than having to face the world and the office. It got much much harder to make conversation with colleagues, even just general chit chat and my concentration during meetings was down to zero.

The crunch point, both times came completely at random. Sat at my desk (or wfh the second time) and staring at computer and suddenly just knew, without a shadow of a doubt that I could not do any work. Not didn't want to, physically couldn't. Couldn't open my email, couldn't carry on writing the sentence I was writing, couldn't just take a breather and go make a cup of tea and carry on, just....nothing. The very fact of being at work and trying to do anything or function was totally and utterly impossible. I didn't even feel panicked I just could not do it. It would be as if someone had sat me down in front of an airplane's controls and asked me to explain what they all did, completely incomprehensible.

Both times I managed to email my manager (telephone conversation out of the question) to say I had been taken ill, couldn't stay in work and needed to go home (or stop working when I was already wfh). As simple a message as that.

Then I got a GP appointment, explained how I'd been feeling, what had been going on and requested that I be signed off. I have a history of depression so am used to talking about my mental health and have a fantastic GP so the conversation was easy to have and I was signed off initially for 2 weeks, extended for longer after that time with another review with the GP. Another email to my manager explaining in brief what was going on, also explaining that at the moment talking on the phone was too difficult to do, attached a scanned copy of my fit note and that I would be in touch.

From the sounds of what you're posting OP it really sounds like you've reached that point. Stress and depression are killers. Please do get to your GP and get signed off. Need only be a couple of weeks initially, take some time to breathe. Working out what to do next to change the situation can come later. I came home from the doctors, arranged childcare (single parent) and slept for nearly 36 hours. The relief of not having to put on my armour and struggle through another work day was incredible.

Your work might not like it if they're not usually sympathetic about sickness, but there's nothing they can do about it. You are protected. And mental ill health should be taken just as seriously as physical. They may surprise you, in this Covid era and the new focus on self care and mental well-being there is more acceptance and recognition that thousands upon thousands of people right now are struggling and need to take care of themselves.

Do take care OP and I really hope you are feeling better soon

BigGreen · 27/05/2022 06:26

My body got stuck in fight or flight mode. I was producing adrenaline constantly. Felt like I had so many coffees and once. It was beyond brilliant to sit outside in the sunshine and do absolutely nothing except listen to the birds tweet.

Gufo · 27/05/2022 06:31

Needing to turn my camera off in a meeting because I was crying. The actual meeting wasn't a difficult or stressful one.

Feeling sick at seeing names of certain colleagues in my inbox.

My brain feeling frozen and not being able to understand conversations/tasks.

Rosehugger · 27/05/2022 06:43

Oh @dalmatianmad That's so hard. You did everything you could in a horrible situation and are such a strong and brave person to have done that kind of work for 30 years. I hope you find something you love doing but isn't as horribly stressful. 💐

Plasmodesmata · 27/05/2022 06:48

Lots of crying. Anxiety attacks. The breaking point for me came when I found a lump in my breast and had the thought "if this is cancer I don't have to go to work". I didn't even realise at the time how messed up that was (luckily it wasn't cancer).

OddsandSods · 27/05/2022 06:54

RosesAndHellebores · 26/05/2022 22:30

@dalmatianmad why on earth are you blaming yourself if the outcome would have been the same if there had been a nurse instead of the paramedics? You have said yourself the paramedics were more skilled than a nurse would have been.

If you don't want to go back, don't go back.

@dalmatianmad please ignore this poster. They hold nurses in contempt and a klaxon sounds for them whenever a nurse posts.

I hope you’re ok. What happened was 100% NOT your fault and I hope you have been able to access therapy. How do you feel about returning? I imagine that would be daunting.

MadameFantabulosa · 27/05/2022 06:55

Mine was being diagnosed with a hereditary cancer that had killed four of my relatives (cousin, grandmother, aunt and uncle) within the past year, telling my evil boss and her saying “Don’t be ridiculous, no-one dies of that.” This was the cherry on the icing on the cake after months of bullying. I took two weeks off, went to see OH, moved jobs and put in a formal grievance, which I lost. Her career has gone from strength to strength - she’s been promoted twice, and has had another two formal grievances against her. Shit doesn’t seem to stick.

EVHead · 27/05/2022 06:57

Twice now.

Pain in the pit of my stomach driving to work. Crying on the way home.
Walking out of class before I started crying in front of pupils.

The first time, GP signed me off for two weeks. Lockdown started at the end of the first week and I never had to go back to that workplace. Thank goodness.

The second time the same symptoms happened I applied for other posts and held out until I could escape. Best thing I ever did.

Badqueen · 27/05/2022 07:00

dalmatianmad · 26/05/2022 22:22

I'm so sorry you're struggling.

My breaking point happened when I was in charge on a busy shift.
I was short staffed, 4 Nurses had called in sick. I was sent a bank HCA who had never worked in ED before. I was told by the night nurse coordinator I should be grateful for the HCA.
We had a stabbing in Resus, he went into cardiac arrest and I didn't have a Nurse to look after him (I was dealing with a nasty trauma in the bay next door). I had to ask the paramedics to sort the stabbing. He died. Likely would have been the same outcome if there was a Nurse. The Paramedics were more skilled etc. I blame myself. I shouldn't have been so short staffed. The poor HCA looked terrified. I wanted to hug her.

I've been off work ever since. Nearly 4 months, I attempted to hang myself. The guilt i feel for that poor lad and his family.
Going back next week. Don't wanna work there any more. I've done nearly 30 years service in ED. Held the hands of many as they passed away from covid (in the early days when they were very poorly).
I feel like a shit person and have failed that family.

I'm so sorry. There's literally nothing you could have done. The NHS is broken, there just aren't the staff but you're expected to still be able to cope when there's absolutely no way you could have prevented being short staffed that day. You are one person and you can't be in two places at once. You didn't fail that poor man. His death was not your fault.

Badqueen · 27/05/2022 07:03

RosesAndHellebores · 26/05/2022 22:25

I have never been off work due to stress. I don't get very stressed except in an adrenaline running positive way. Since I have been Head of my service nobody has gone off sick with work related stress (they have been off with other sorts of stress - sick partner, aged parent, etc) and I'm pleased about that because before then there were all sorts of problems.

Nobody has bullied me at work and when they have tried I have given an icy stare and asked for an explanation. It has never happened again. Early on at this company there was a toxic office manager - very guilty of upward bullying. I just packed up my desk late morning, sent the head of department an email detailing the incident and said I'd be back when I received an apology. He was on the phone by 3.30pm.

I'd really like to understand why people stay in jobs that reduce them to tears and make them ill. I've had one or two jobs I didn't like, or rather found the environments toxic and I got another job and left. Probably easier in London than elsewhere.

I'm really sorry so many have been made so unhappy by work.

This and the subsequent post might be the most lacking in empathy posts I've ever seen on Mumsnet in 15 years.

If you got nothing nice to say to a woman who is/was suicidal, say nothing.

crossstitchingnana · 27/05/2022 07:05

RosesAndHellebores · 26/05/2022 22:25

I have never been off work due to stress. I don't get very stressed except in an adrenaline running positive way. Since I have been Head of my service nobody has gone off sick with work related stress (they have been off with other sorts of stress - sick partner, aged parent, etc) and I'm pleased about that because before then there were all sorts of problems.

Nobody has bullied me at work and when they have tried I have given an icy stare and asked for an explanation. It has never happened again. Early on at this company there was a toxic office manager - very guilty of upward bullying. I just packed up my desk late morning, sent the head of department an email detailing the incident and said I'd be back when I received an apology. He was on the phone by 3.30pm.

I'd really like to understand why people stay in jobs that reduce them to tears and make them ill. I've had one or two jobs I didn't like, or rather found the environments toxic and I got another job and left. Probably easier in London than elsewhere.

I'm really sorry so many have been made so unhappy by work.

It's like being in an abusive relationship, toxic managers gaslight you and slowly remove your power and control. It's only when you're out of it can you really appreciate what was happening.

Happened to me. My breaking point was, after losing two stone and not sleeping, that I was never going to "win". Someone said "do you want to be right or happy?" I resigned. Best thing I ever did.

I have not read one post yet where someone regrets being signed off or resigning.

flashpaper · 27/05/2022 07:06

I'm so surprised to read some of these posts and read back exactly how I felt myself. Wanting to get into a car accident on the way to work so I didn't have to go in, and finding it impossible to make a decision in particular. There was one day when my DP and I were in the supermarket and I said to him that he wasn't to ask me one single question. Not what I wanted to buy, not what I wanted for tea. Nothing. I simply couldn't answer, I didn't know, I was walking round like a shell of a person. I was irritable at home and at work. I'd never kicked up a fuss before but there was one day when I ended up shouting at my line manager because something was untidy (thankfully she took it well!).

The thing that made me snap in the end was so ridiculous. I was allocated to an area of my department that I didn't like to be in, just for the day, not for any lengthy period, but I just couldn't go there. I went to the toilet to cry and they sent me home.

Being signed off was the best thing I could have done. I had 7 weeks off and it was lovely just to potter around and not worry about going back in. The only reason that I went back after 7 weeks was because I was due to go on half pay and I couldn't afford it.

CandyLeBonBon · 27/05/2022 07:07

God. The wanting to be in an accident so I can just stop really resonates here. As for @Redsheetbedsheet utterly tone deaf post, we'll bully for you is all I can say. To the OP and others, Flowers

UghFletcher · 27/05/2022 07:16

In the middle of a massive company transformation we got a new boss who didn't understand our processes, made no effort to understand them and tried to micromanage the team within an inch of their lives.

Came in to a nasty email at 8:30 regarding an email that I hadn't replied to from 11:30 the night before (no shit Sherlock, I was asleep) and had a panic attack at my desk.

Left and called the drs on the way home, got straight in and was signed off for 2 months. Worked with Occ Health and went back to a different role / manager and haven't looked back since.

Her entire team have left or gone off sick, she is still there and I have no idea how.

UghFletcher · 27/05/2022 07:18

^ to add to my previous post, we were a very successful top performing team and had no previous issues. She came in and it all went to shit. The nasty email was the straw that broke the camels back.

She had also told me to 'just get an au pair' rather than using a nursery as then I could work longer hours to show my dedication to the team Confused

Spudlet · 27/05/2022 07:20

I wasn’t signed off, but some of these posts are so familiar to me. I used to eye up big trees on the drive into work and wonder if I could incapacitate myself by crashing into one, and I remember being in the supermarket with dp and not being able to speak when he asked me which pasta sauce I wanted. Couldn’t even get a breath in to answer.

I probably should have been signed off - in the end I went on my mat leave and only then realised how bad it had been. And I never went back. I do a totally different job now, working for myself, and I like it much better. But I needed that breathing space of a break to see the possibility of doing something different. So I’d see your gp and take a breathing space for yourself, and maybe you’ll see a different way for things to be too.