Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

How do you cope with the guilt towards PFB when you have no 2?

38 replies

roarfeckingroarr · 23/05/2022 13:16

My little one is 19 months and I'm so scared to destroy his little world, I feel ridiculously guilty already. He's very much mummy focused and we are so close, I feel like crying constantly.

OP posts:
ValerieDoonican · 23/05/2022 13:26

I remember that feeling. It passes. If you are lucky they will be playmates once no 2 is 6-9 months or so, but the angst will almost certainly have faded long before then.

In the meantime remind yourself that when you are a troublesome and worrying old, dc2 will be there to help dc1 with the burden!

ShirleyPhallus · 23/05/2022 13:27

Placemaking as that’s how I feel and am due #2 in just a few weeks!

i can’t imagine her not feeling pushed aside a bit or feeling like I don’t love the second one as much or something

ValerieDoonican · 23/05/2022 13:33

(DC2 taught DC1 a lot, as well as vice versa of course. My two now help each other out with problems, stay in each others flats, and go to gigs together.

But in the meantime keep routines like bed and bathtime as familiar as you can, make sure you continue to do one-on-one stuff with dc1 sometimes while someone else takes the baby. And keep talking to them and explaining what's happening - but don't tell them how they feel about it .

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

1 year olds Behaviour & development Families
UtterlyUnimaginativeUsername · 23/05/2022 13:33

Mine are 19 months apart and I felt this too at the start. They're 11 and 10 now and the best buddies imaginable, he was the greatest gift we could have given her (and vice versa!).

NecklessMumster · 23/05/2022 13:35

You swap the guilt to baby no 2. Tiny baby no 2 makes pfb toddler look like a hulking great child in comparison and you look forward to times when pfb is out so you can cover baby 2 in kisses without pfb getting jealous. And baby 2 has to wait for attention whilst you're dealing with toddler pfb and has self soothed himself by the time you get to him, which in the long run makes him more self sufficient and better sleeper. Or maybe that's just me.

Schulte · 23/05/2022 13:37

I always felt that having baby number 2 was a gift we were giving DD1. She was so excited about the baby, helping bathe her sister, holding her hand etc. There was plenty of love to go round. Of course they fight (they are 2 years apart) but that started later. Can you try to see it that way? You’re giving your child a sibling and that is a wonderful thing. They will eventually thank you for it!

Vsirbdo · 23/05/2022 13:39

I see it as short term pain for long term gain; having a sibling to have fun with as they grow up and rely on as an adult being the long term gain.

Iguessyourestuckwithme · 23/05/2022 13:39

With the small age gap it won't be long before they can't remember a time without them.

Imsittinginthekitchensink · 23/05/2022 13:40

"They will eventually thank you for it" - definitely not a given! My brother being born was like throwing a grenade into our family.
Not all siblings get on, as long as you are mindful to treat them equitably and not favour one obey the other, you can do little more.

Mybobowler · 23/05/2022 13:42

My second is almost six months old and I felt exactly the same. I won't lie, the first week or so after he was born was really hard emotionally - I missed my eldest and the undivided attention I was able to give her, and I felt terribly guilty for the little baby grenade I'd thrown into our daily routine.

Obviously, these feeling didn't last. My daughter adores her little brother, I still get to have 1:1 time with her and it's even more special now. My husband has also had the chance to spend more time both with our eldest and with the baby. If I'm honest, it's the baby getting overlooked while his sister continues to run the show. He's just carted around in the sling to whatever she's doing, no baby groups for us!

How you're feeling js totally normal and it'll pass. Siblings are so special and their relationship will last a lifetime, don't dwell too much on the immediate. Good luck!

Iguessyourestuckwithme · 23/05/2022 13:45

Imsittinginthekitchensink · 23/05/2022 13:40

"They will eventually thank you for it" - definitely not a given! My brother being born was like throwing a grenade into our family.
Not all siblings get on, as long as you are mindful to treat them equitably and not favour one obey the other, you can do little more.

Agree.

Not sure my sister ever got over having me as a big sister and there is no relationship.

ExistentialApathy · 23/05/2022 13:53

As others have said, it is a very real feeling but it does pass. Particular with a gap that size. Mine are 3.5 years apart and PFB can't remember a time before DC2.

Neolara · 23/05/2022 13:53

My 3 adore each other. They've been wonderful friends to each other pretty much from the word go. They play, chat and support each other. They're lives are infinitely richer for having their siblings in their lives.

When or if, you have another DC, your dc1 gets to have someone else in their life to love and be loved by.

katmarie · 23/05/2022 14:12

There are 21 months between my two. At times I still feel like I am being split in half, when they both need me but for different things. And it's so hard sometimes having to say to one, 'no, I can't do that, I have to sort out your sibling.' And I will not deny that there were times where I thought 'what have I done to my little boy, bringing this baby into his life?' One thing that helped is that dh, their dad, is very hands on, and when dd was born, he put a lot of time into making ds feel special and loved and really important, while I was stuck under a feeding baby. Also he would regularly take dd so I could have an hour of uninterrupted time with ds. We had to work as a team basically.

But, they're 2 and 4 now, and they are each other's little playmate. I often find them sitting in an armchair together paging through a book and 'reading' each other the story, or playing games together. They fight like cat and dog sometimes but they love each other dearly too. On balance they both benefit from having the other around.

schnitzels · 23/05/2022 14:14

Ahh I remember feeling exactly like that. When I was pregnant I made sure I always talked about getting "our" new baby soon and made a fuss of my toddler. When the baby arrived, luckily my son loved him and marched into hospital demanding to see him - but I always remembered the bit of advice that if the toddler and the baby need you at the same time, go for the toddler first... I did this every time (definitely didn't harm my youngest - he's much more laid back than my older son).

These days they are best friends. They were having a "dark party" in one of their bedrooms yesterday and I could hear them whispering to each other "shh, she's coming, let's hide"

katmarie · 23/05/2022 14:15

Just to add as well, I often wondered while I was pregnant with dd, how i could possibly love this child as much as I already loved ds. Then she arrived and it turned out that it was entirely possible, and that generally there was just a whole lot more love and affection to go around. DD has helped us teach ds about being kind and gentle in a very real, non abstract way, and ds teaches dd to stick up for herself and take no nonsense. They are good for each other.

Pixies74 · 23/05/2022 14:27

Have a 22-month age gap (which was slightly smaller than planned) and definitely felt this... To the extent that my midwife was really worried about me post-birth. It didn't help that I had a csection and therefore couldn't lift DC1 etc for a while.

However it definitely lessened after a couple of weeks and was gone completely after a couple of months.

Now DC are 6 and 4, are the best of friends and have been pretty much their whole lives. They do obviously have their squabbles (mainly over toys!), but rarely if ever get jealous of each other. In fact, whenever I say to DC1 that I'm so lucky to have her, she ways responds with "And XX (DC2)."

And I second what a PP says about the second being easier going. DC2 is so chilled and laid back, and a much better sleeper! 😂

Pixies74 · 23/05/2022 14:32

And yes, I don't think they would ever prefer to be an only child! They would be completely lost without each other.

TimeToChangeItUpNow · 23/05/2022 14:40

I have 19 months between mine. They are the BEST of friends and love each other so much at 9 and 7. You will find that your heart and even time just grows, rather than having that amazing relationship with one child, you have it with two. Plus, they have each other to love.

Original poster
roarfeckingroarr · 23/05/2022 14:56

I've just found out I'm pregnant (conceived 7 May so early doors, not even DP knows - whole other thread there) so thank you for these lovely comments and stories. DS will be 27/28 months when number two arrives, so just over 2. I hope he's old enough to sort of understand and I will do everything possible to make it a positive experience where he doesn't feel pushed out.

OP posts:
mewkins · 23/05/2022 15:03

Mine are 4 years apart so perhaps that's why I never felt guilty!!!! Dd felt very grown up to have a baby to help look after and teach things to.

ThreeRingCircus · 23/05/2022 15:05

roarfeckingroarr · 23/05/2022 14:56

I've just found out I'm pregnant (conceived 7 May so early doors, not even DP knows - whole other thread there) so thank you for these lovely comments and stories. DS will be 27/28 months when number two arrives, so just over 2. I hope he's old enough to sort of understand and I will do everything possible to make it a positive experience where he doesn't feel pushed out.

I have exactly the same age gap between by two DDs (27 months) and it's honestly been fine. I talked to DD1 a lot about 'our baby' and when I brought DD2 home from hospital I bought a gift for DD1 "from her new sister". It sounds harsh but I tried to keep the focus on DD1 so if she needed something, I tended to her and if DD2 was crying she just had to cry for a little while as I figured she knew no different whereas DD1 would notice a change. Consequently DD2 was a much more chilled out baby and just kind of went with the flow, she was used to being carted around after DD1 from birth!

They are now 5 and 3 and best friends. Of course they fight sometimes but they have loads of fun together and always have someone to play with.

CoralBells · 23/05/2022 15:05

Mine are 15 and 17 now. Dd1 was quite an easy baby but dd2 was highly strung. I did feel bad that dd1's calm life turned to one of stress for a bit, but it's been so worth it over the years. They've both benefitted hugely from having each other

SweetMeadow · 23/05/2022 15:09

I would recommend reading ‘The Second Baby Book’ by Sarah Ockwell Smith. There are lots of helpful tips in there for preparing yourself and your first child for the second baby. I felt very unprepared before reading that and much calmer and realistic about what life might be like with two after!

What you are feeling is completely normal and it is tough for everyone but I also believe and hope that it will be worth it in the long run.

Wnikat · 23/05/2022 15:10

You are giving your eldest a brilliant gift, no guilt necessary.