How do you cope with the guilt towards PFB when you have no 2?

[roarfeckingroarr]

My little one is 19 months and I'm so scared to destroy his little world, I feel ridiculously guilty already. He's very much mummy focused and we are so close, I feel like crying constantly.

This is really helpful. Thank you. @ThreeRingCircus thank you for sharing such a similar situation, I'll do that x

16 months between mine. I made a point of giving DD1 praise for being able to do “big girl” things like walking, eating solids etc, and saying poor baby couldn’t do anything much yet. I also sat DD beside me for stories and nursery rhymes while feeding baby, so she didn’t feel left out.
There was a little jealousy and pushing boundaries- eg she put her Billy Button toy in the baby’s bouncer chair and looked defiant, so I asked politely if Billy liked it, and whether baby could have a turn after him, rather than just take it out.
At that age, they soon can’t remember there was ever a time when their sibling wasn’t around. They played together and got up to holy mischief together as soon as baby was mobile!

I offered ds a little brother via fostering. He looked completely horrified and said 'No chance, he didn't want to share.'

It dispelled any guilt instantly.

I genuinely felt no guilt at all! DD adored her little sister immediately - just under 2 years between them.

10+ years later it's a more love-hate relationship but definitely no regrets

I was very careful never say I can't do that because of DD2. I'd eieyhe do it and Dc2 had to come or take part or I'd find another excuse 😆. But honestly DC1 loved his little sister so much. Always wanted to cuddle her even when she didn't want to. Now there is some jealously ( age 2 & 5) as he's at school and she isn't. Once she starts preschool September, he won't think she's at home with mummy having fun all day.

However I do get guilt about doing extra fun things ( like a weekday farm trip) with just Dc2 without DC1, even though I did loads of stuff when it was just Dc1. It's a weird thing. Also have to keep quiet about things like that.

I think that your hormones are playing a large part here. You'll find your own way through it on a day by day basis and come to a balance. The baby will sleep a lot initially. You don't know how your toddler will be. Don't feel bad about it. It's such a positive overall.

I only felt like this mildly until I found out my pregnancy was unexpected twins. Older child was just turned 2.
I cried for ages about how PFB would now be left out as there would always be twin siblings and no one for them.
That was 9 years ago.
To be honest it’s come true to some extent because the twins are same sex and always have each other. pfb feels terribly left out and it has left scars about not getting enough attention since they have been born.
PFB feels deeply hurt dispite me and husband doing everything we could to show PFB all the attention we could possibly give with looking after 2 babies (and not much other help) I feel like there are a lot of unresolved feelings there that are possibly going to need therapy when PFB is an adult 😭
Dispite this, there are so many positives to having a sibling and given the choice of twins or no siblings I would still choose twins. One baby / toddler would sure have been a lot easier for PFB though that’s for sure.

Any advice about how to stop breastfeeding the 19 mo in advance of sibling coming?

I tandem fed mine, and I think it helped with keeping DC1 from feeling left out. I restricted the feeding for a while when I found it hard, but they used to hold hands when feeding and it was very sweet. I had a bigger age gap than you which probably made it easier, because I was able to tell DC1 about how we used to treat her when she was a little baby, , so she was able to understand that babies and toddlers need different things, but that they would both get what they needed.

I honestly never felt this guilt. But then I never did the whole precious first born thing either

I had been working full time since DS1 was six months old. He was two when DS2 was born. He benefited having me home all of the time when I was on maternity leave with DS2. And then I went part time and was home much more.

I agree with others, I felt more guilt for DS2 who largely got plonked in the pram and tagged along on days out etc. One advantage I found was DS1 was an easier toddler. I had no patience for tantrums and he was largely left on the floor/picked up and strapped into the double buggy and left to cry it out. I made the mistake of being less strict with DS2 and it came back to bite me big style when he was a toddler.

Firstly congratulations!

My two are 1 and 3 now.
My son turned 2 a week after my daughter was born and I too felt very guilty, as soon as she was crawling about though they were like little mates. she dives on him and "attacks" him and even only being 3 he knows she's smaller and lets her get him. Although he did bite her hand yesterday when she took his toy !! I actually felt quite guilty for my youngest in the newborn stages as she just didn't get the attention from me and my husband that my first born did as the toddler really does take up more time!!
It will be fine and amazing. Don't worry.

so, I’ve just done this with my 2.5 year old - a bit older but it may help. We were down to just one feed before bed and any night wakings. I went away for a couple of nights and for a few more nights after that DH put DC to bed - so a good 5 night absence. They did ask for Mummy Milk a few times when I came back to bedtime routine but were pretty satisfied with the answer that there was no milk left / all gone. Now if they wake up at night, they usually just want a cuddle. Or dad. 😁

Completely remember this feeling, but it does all just fall into place once the next one arrives, however much you can't see that happening now. We had a very small (and unplanned) gap between our 2 children and I struggled with getting my head around the fact I was pregnant again so soon. I always remember my Health visitor at the time saying to me that I probably couldn't imagine loving number 2 as much as I did number 1 but not to worry, my heart would grow to love them both. I was so relieved at the time that my feelings were normal, and she was completely right, I really think that most people have these feelings.