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Original poster

Have I done a really stupid thing?

30 replies

Smartsub · 22/05/2022 15:41

I was at a sports event with a large group of club mates this morning. It's a beautiful day here and after we'd had ice creams the group broke up to continue their plans for a sunny Sunday.

Since DH died I often find I have no plans for such days, couple friends are busy with each other, plus I've found, that now I no longer slot into their couple world, I don't get included in things I would have gone to with DH.

This happened today. The two couples who DH and I would have said were our best friends had plans together and didn't include me. I didn't know why they do it, but it's happened a few times now, I try not to mind and have expanded my circle to include a few single people (previously I was probably just as guilty)

Anyway, I'm busy building my new life so I asked the only single person there if he's at a lose end and did he fancy a beer in the sun? (one of my favourite things to do with a sunny Sunday afternoon). Not someone I know well, we're often at the same events, but I wouldn't call him a friend. He was very kind, would love to, but has to go home to log on to work this pm.

Which could be true or could be an excuse.

So have I embarrassed myself?. Does he think I'm throwing myself at him? I genuinely just thought he might be as bored as me 😆

He said, next time, any other day he'd love to, so I shall leave it in his court.

If it makes a difference, I'm early 50s and he's a few years younger.

Then again, he did say "next time" so can I ask again?!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 22/05/2022 15:43

I wouldn’t ask again.

Hippolyte · 22/05/2022 15:45

Oh bless you . I suspect what he says is true, there is absolutely nothing to suggest otherwise, particularly given he said next time. Sometimes it's hard not to overanalyse these things but really don't worry. I think asking was completely fine and hoped it'll open the door for another day.

StateOfTheUterus · 22/05/2022 15:47

you haven’t embarrassed yourself at all by casually suggesting getting a beer.
do you like him, or did you just fancy a beer and someone to chat to?

TinaYouFatLard · 22/05/2022 15:48

You didn’t do a stupid thing at all, but I wouldn’t ask again.

Chica10 · 22/05/2022 15:49

No, you did not embarrass yourself. You had asked an acquaintance if he would like to have a beer with you, like a normal grown up mature person, wanting to do something spontaneous. It’s not like you were proposing marriage. And he he probably genuinely needed to go home and do what he needed to do. I wouldn’t over think it all.

I am sorry your other couple friends behave like this towards you. Such shitty behaviour. Perhaps it’s time for a friend review.

miltonj · 22/05/2022 15:51

The two couple friends sound really horrible... I'm so sorry. Well done you for not being shy and putting yourself out there. It's not embarrassing at all.

Original poster
Smartsub · 22/05/2022 15:51

StateOfTheUterus · 22/05/2022 15:47

you haven’t embarrassed yourself at all by casually suggesting getting a beer.
do you like him, or did you just fancy a beer and someone to chat to?

He's perfectly nice, if I was in the "market" there's nothing with him, but it's early days for me. I just didn't want to go home to an empty house 😥

OP posts:
LookItsMeAgain · 22/05/2022 15:51

Sorry to hear about your DH.

As for the singleton not staying for a beer, try not to read too much into it.

Well done you though for asking. That alone can take a lot of guts!

Original poster
Smartsub · 22/05/2022 15:53

Chica10 · 22/05/2022 15:49

No, you did not embarrass yourself. You had asked an acquaintance if he would like to have a beer with you, like a normal grown up mature person, wanting to do something spontaneous. It’s not like you were proposing marriage. And he he probably genuinely needed to go home and do what he needed to do. I wouldn’t over think it all.

I am sorry your other couple friends behave like this towards you. Such shitty behaviour. Perhaps it’s time for a friend review.

Yes, I've reviewed a few friendships in recent months. They say you find out who your friends are in hard times and that is most definitely true. Some people have been a disappointment, but there have been some lovely surprises too.

OP posts:
StateOfTheUterus · 22/05/2022 15:55

I think if you like him romantically , then don’t ask again directly again, wait and see whether he asks you about plans for the weekend etc
If you’re just looking for someone to have a beer and a chat with, yeah, ask again why the hell not!!

StateOfTheUterus · 22/05/2022 15:56

Sorry my typing is so slow I hadn’t seen you’d replied.
if you’re looking for company then ask him. A new friend would be nice

DaleTrimont · 22/05/2022 15:56

You did a nice thing, not a stupid thing ! Absolutely fine to ask someone like this.

TheMooch · 22/05/2022 16:01

You haven't done anything stupid. You didn't want to go home and asked if they'd like another drink.

You should give yourself huge credit in asking because I think it's hard to ask people you don't know well. And it sounds like you did it casually and I hope another time they ask if you fancy a drink.

SpeedofaSloth · 22/05/2022 16:02

You weren't stupid to ask and he might genuinely not have been free this afternoon, I wouldn't worry too much and I probably would ask again TBH.

RoyKentsChestHair · 22/05/2022 16:08

You’ve absolutely not embarrassed yourself. Even if you’d said “would you like to go out on a date sometime” it would not be something to be embarrassed about, it takes a lot of guts to ask someone out so it’s worthy of respect. As it was clearly just a spontaneous beer then even less reason to feel bad. No reason why you couldn’t be friends if you get on ok, so just carry on being friendly and if ever the situation arises again, ask away. Hope you’ve enjoyed a beer in the sun anyway!

Thistooshallpass. · 22/05/2022 16:09

Sorry for your loss .
You did a perfectly normal thing - he may have been busy he may not . It doesn't matter .
It's always worth asking - I've made several
new friends like this by adopting a more open approach - people are usually pleased to be asked . If they don't want to it's fine - their loss !
Your friends sound particularly insensitive though and mean to not include you .

diddl · 22/05/2022 16:23

I don't think that you embarrassed yourself by asking.

If you think that it was an excuse though-then perhaps best left & see if he suggests anything in future.

Bournetilly · 22/05/2022 16:24

You’ve definitely not embarrassed yourself!
I don’t think I’d ask again though. I think it’s really unfair of your friends not to include you.

ScootsMcHoy · 22/05/2022 16:25

You haven't embarrassed yourself at all. It's a perfectly normal thing to say and his reply was normal too.

oakleaffy · 22/05/2022 16:29

Smartsub · 22/05/2022 15:51

He's perfectly nice, if I was in the "market" there's nothing with him, but it's early days for me. I just didn't want to go home to an empty house 😥

Show quote history

It’s really, really hard being newly single after a Divorce, never mind a Bereavement .

Men who are bereaved have loads of invites with “ Couply- Douply”’groups, basically AS THEY ARE NO THREAT to the wife.
And it’s the wives who do the inviting.

It sucks, but a newly single woman is seen as a “ Threat” by many women, they think you might be after their husbands.

It’s ridiculous, but this can be the only reason why newly bereaved men have loads of invites, and women barely any.

Loneliness is very real in these situations.

SunshineAndFizz · 22/05/2022 16:33

Not stupid at all - good for you for asking. Grab life by the horns.

But I wouldn't ask him again. If he's interested he'll ask you.

Original poster
Smartsub · 22/05/2022 16:45

Jesus, one of the women in the couples who snubbed me this afternoon has just messaged me to say her and her DH would like to come to an event I'm organising afterall, after originally saying they weren't sure. I mean that's fine, I did invite them (and several dozen others) but today?!

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 22/05/2022 17:10

The post breakup treatment of women v men really is one of the really sad facts of life.

I absolutely get the feeling of wanting the day to continue applaud you for extending an invitation.

What worked for me was to always have a couple of back up plans g DH or things I could skip if I didn't want to do them but turn up if I felt like it. Group events work really well for this, Meetup.com can be good.

I found myself organising events, then noticed I was disappointed if one person in particular couldn't make it. It took ten years but we are married now. I too learned to be much more careful about not living in a couples only world.

Another thing I have learned to do is to take myself out for a meal in a lovely restaurent. Good independent places will quickly recognise you and make you feel welcome. If never had any trouble doing it while travelling at home seemed a bit odd.

I revel in it now. Good luck.

CPL593H · 22/05/2022 17:28

I wouldn't give it any more thought, it was a nice open thing to do and I'd see if he says anything next time. I really doubt he thinks you have designs on him, but decent men would be very cautious and not want to appear predatory.

I was quite lucky in some ways that my late DH was fairly antisocial Grin and we didn't really have "couples" as friends, so little changed for me and people still related to me in the same way. I'm sorry some of yours have let you down and it's natural to mind, but it's on them. Sending Flowers and assurance that it will be OK.

Scabbyknackers · 22/05/2022 17:36

Please don't give it another thought! You asked an acquaintance if he would like to join you for a beer on a sunny day, I'm sure he was happy to be asked even if he couldn't make it. It's a totally friendly request, if you'd asked him to a candlelit dinner then that's a bit more of a signal of interest but a pint in the sun? Couldn't be further away from throwing yourself at him. Hope you enjoyed the afternoon.

Your friends' behaviour is inconsiderate but they might feel like inviting you to things where there are only couples there would be insensitive. If they've been good friends until now then perhaps you could use the event you're planning as an opportunity to let them know that you'd be happy to be invited to more things.

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