If you had a baby after years of infertility, what was it like?

[AliceAbsolum]

I've got my 12 week scan next week, after 7 years and 5 cycles of IVF.
I always said I'd try to relax more and try to believe it will happen after 12 weeks.
But after so many years I just can't believe it. Motherhood has always been something for other women, not for me. I feel like if the scan shows there is nothing in there I wouldn't be surprised.
If you've experienced similar - did you feel the same? What was it like when you had a real bump and when the baby was born? Did you get used to it?

Following with interest! Exactly the same as you, 7 years, 5xIVF with losses in between. Currently 31 weeks and still can’t quite get my head around it and I’m surprised every time I see myself in the mirror! Massive congratulations to you.

Congratulations!
Yes I felt the same.
I think it started feeling more real when I could feel him move. But then I wouldn't believe it was real and thought once I gave birth it would hit me.
I have to say once he was born I think I was in shock. I didn't have that rush of love people tell you about (common not to feel it straight away anyway) but it was so built up I felt.
I just couldn't believe he was here tbh.
So very mixed emotions, but once i felt a bond it was unexplainable.
I think because we have tried so hard to have a baby when it happens it's abit like wow.
Hope this makes sense.
Congratulations you have so much to look forward to.

The police told me that criminals send out 'feelers' like this woman who respond to secondhand goods adverts which is an exercise in sizing up your home and the women report back to the men who may then decide to rob your home.

Honestly - it messed me up a bit. I'd been pretty 'resilient' (urgh) all the way through 5 years of loss and treatment. When I was pregnant I really really struggled with the idea I'd bring home a baby or two in my case.

My pregnancy was pretty textbook especially for a twin one but I went to every appointment expecting bad news. I didn't buy anything til I was almost 35 weeks (and I mean nothing).

Once the babies were here all hale and hearty I still struggled a bit and refused to plan things like next years holiday or things a few months in the future in case something happened.

Not surprisingly I had a massive crash and developed a lovely case of post natal ocd. Because I wasn't depressed and was great at putting in a good face, no one picked up on this til I ended up sobbing on my gp saying my babies had to be put into care as i kept thinking I was going to hurt them. I never did of course but that's ocd for you.

I was lucky in that I got good care/medication swiftly and was able to move past this but the year from when my kids were 1-2 is a blur and I've suffered with health anxiety to some degree ever since although now very well controlled.

That probably sounds horribly bleak! What I mean is don't ignore these feelings (I adore being a mum btw, I just had a bumpy start).

Fabulous. I loved being pregnant and felt like the first person ever to have a baby. When they arrived I couldn't quite believe my luck, had a wobble at about 6 months, but I'm so lucky to have a great, hands on mum and she was amazing.

Congratulations and good luck!

My son is 5 now. Our fertility journey was 9 years and we aren't continuing with it to try to have a second given how hard it was. I spent the pregnancy waiting for something bad to happen. I wouldn't even tell people until I was showing, didn't buy any stuff to the end, because in my mind it just wasn't going to be a happy ending. I still have a bit of a disconnect to be honest with believing it's all real and I'm a bit of an overprotective mum.

Thanks everyone. Seems like it's a challenge for a lot of people. Which is really understandable taking into account what we have been through.
I just want to slightly enjoy it and not have it as yet another terrifying trauma of infertility.

@100problems Good to hear you loved it. What was your approach to fear of something going wrong?

I think you may have the wrong thread!

My situation was similar - 7 years trying, 5 IVFs (after 5 IUIs), two losses.
Then pregnant with twins. It was a textbook, easy pregnancy, but I was terrified the whole time of something going wrong.
I could never say the words "I'm pregnant", in case I had had MMC, and didn't know.

My placentas were both anterior, so I felt minimal movement, which didn't help my fears.

Even the morning I gave birth (lovely calm c-section), I couldn't believe it was all going to work.

Now I've fab 2-year olds.

I think women who've struggled with fertility as we did, will always feel a bit nervous throughout pregnancy. But try to relax and enjoy it. And congrats!

I developed AND then PND. Did not see that coming at all. I think it took so long to finally happen that I just collapsed emotionally when it finally did, but at the worst time I could possibly collapse.

Took over 10 years & I had had years of therapy to deal with miscarriages & never being a mum.

emotionally I didn’t feel connected with my baby until after he was born and even then I thought wtf! I did all the practical stuff & looked after myself etc but didn’t feel any level of emotional connection because I couldn’t get my head around being pregnant

Even when he was born I came home in shock that I suddenly had this tiny baby who was mine.

It took me about 8/9 months to feel truly bonded with him and I chose to go back to work part time after 6 months. Therapist was amazing throughout although even they were shocked when they had to deal with my being pregnant & a mum.

Congratulations and good luck, I now have a wonderful little boy who is currently playing on the floor

Gosh.

Huge congratulations. Mine is two and I still don’t really believe in him. It’s worth being conscious of your feelings and not bottling them up.

My miracle was born into the first covid lockdown,
and I genuinely think I have/had massive PTSD/anxiety/something issues from bringing home the baby I NEVER thought I’d have into such a scary time when nobody could meet him and there was no healthcare support.

Keep diaries/photos/mementos, especially of pictures of you pregnant as that bit will eventually seem a bit of a bonkers dream and it’ll be good to have evidence it was real, even if you feel you can’t fully enjoy it now!

I felt really uncomfortable telling people in case it made it unreal! Didn't really tell people at work until I was almost 6 months.
Didn't feel completely real until the baby was in my arms.
Best of luck - I agree with PP that you need to take lots of bump pics as I didn't (again a sign of not really believing) and I regret it!

I couldn't believe it was real and wished my pregnancy away, always waiting for the next scan. So when I finally had a baby in my arms, I didn't expect the huge rush of love that came. I still feel so lucky every day. It is everything I dreamed of and more. Congratulations OP and fingers crossed for you.

32 weeks pregnant with my 7 years in the making baby girl FTM. I opted not to go down the IVF route personally, I didn't feel I could handle the strain physically or mentally. Considering a couple of health conditions I consider this pregnancy an absolute miracle so she will be an only in my eyes.
I cannot actually believe I am pregnant, doesn't feel like it happens to me. Got to be honest, I've been a bit all over emotionally and hormonally as I am just so scared of something going wrong. I feel a little better now I am feeling her more often but honestly any little pain I'm a wreck over.
I've had a pregnancy wobble since about 5 and a half months I think, I love people noticing I am pregnant and love people mentioning it, it's almost like nobody else has ever had a baby ever ha.
Good luck with an healthy happy pregnancy.

Totally normal OP. Took me 5 years. When I had my dd I was anxious throughout and there was always a part of me that expected the worst. Really lived from scan to scan and they only reassured me for a short period.

once I got to 20 weeks and baby kicks I started nesting and bought loads of stuff and that gave me great joy and a focus. Was still a reserved and anxious about it all though.

took me about 24 hours to bond with her but traumatic birth. Been completely fine since then! She is amazing and now 3.

pregnant with IVF baby 2 now and it’s a very different high risk pregnancy - so again a little reserved about it all. Barely told anyone this time round! Kind of expecting a dose of PND after all this high risk stuff as it is a huge strain to bear.

My baby is the light of my life and I absolutely adore her. I had years of unexplained infertility with a previous partner and then a second trimester loss with my husband before she arrived. She came early with no warning and I didn't believe I'd get to take her home until I actually did. The anxiety something will happen to her has eased a lot since she left the SIDS high risk period. She is the best thing ever to happen to me and despite the challenges I love being her mummy.

I so hope things work out for you.

Thank you everyone for your replies.
It's such a hard road isn't it.
I've got a telephone appointment with a consultant on Saturday (not sure why!) I'm going to ask him if I'm at higher risk than non ivf pregnancies and if he says no I'm really going to try and relax into it. Because there is no real guarding my heart now, I'm going to be devastated if something goes wrong regardless.

I had a consultant app too op, I also didn't know why until I was there but it was to talk about induction on due date with it being an IVF pregnancy.
I could also choose if I wanted to be MW led or consultant led for the remainder of my pregnancy.
This could possibly be what your app is.
I know every trust is different but something to think about Incase.

@AliceAbsolum I took 7 years to conceive my DD and had the same feeling as you before my 12 week scan, I was convinced there was nothing there and was genuinely surprised that there was! I still doubted there was a baby in there throughout my pregnancy but at the same time was so anxious about anything going wrong. I think the moment I believed I was actually having a real baby was when the midwife said she could see the head, I'm completely serious, it looks mad written down.

Those first few days at home with her were truly the happiest of my whole life, even though physically I wasn't that comfortable. I sometimes think of them now and she's in her 20s now. She is the absolute light in my life.

Wishing you all the best with your pregnancy Xx

@hskat This early on to discuss birth? That's very organized of them.
What did you choose if you don't mind me asking? Is consultant led better?

Yeah I was surprised tbh.
I stuck with my MW as was a straight forward pregnancy so wasn't a need for the consultant.
I could be induced at 39 or 40 weeks, I then had to go back at 38 weeks to decide when.
I chose 40 weeks.

@AliceAbsolum I had consultant led because of being IVF and the only difference- which I felt was a benefit - was more appointments so more scans and chance to have a look.
In my case LO1 decided to come 3 weeks early so no decisions with birth to make. We were lucky enough to have LO2 from frozen embryo and I was induced at 40 weeks. This pattern very much reflects their characters too! 🙈

Hi op, I’m currently sat on the sofa next to my 3.5 year old miracle - she was 5 years and 6 rounds of ivf in the making so I empathise.

I had a very stressful pregnancy with lots of bleeding in the first trimester, with emergency scans and an overnight stay at 6 weeks because they thought I was having an ectopic. Thankfully it levelled out after 12 weeks and I felt much calmer once I started feeling her kick at 18 weeks.

I did feel very anxious once we started telling people at 12 weeks, almost vulnerable? Like, it’s real and public now so it’s going to be even harder if something goes wrong.

I had a lovely chunk of time from around 16 weeks to 30 weeks where I had a lovely bump and could feel her kicking away. I LOVED people asking me when I was due, commenting on my bump, asking anything about the pregnancy. I’d watched so many friends and family members go through pregnancy so it was lovely to be made a fuss of and taken care of.

I was still anxious though 😑. I used to Google the survival rates for prem birth every week and got gradually more comfortable with the idea that she’d have a fighting chance if she came early. The whole way through the pregnancy I was waiting for something to go wrong, really - similar to pp we didn’t really buy much until I was 30 weeks - no baby shower etc either.

She entually did come early at 34+4 and was breech so I had to have an EMCS. She spent a week in scbu which was really hard. I had no problem bonding but o developed really bad post natal anxiety when she was around 6 weeks old (largely focused on failure to breastfeed but I think it was the fallout/trauma of her birth finally sinking in)

My main advice would be to ask close friends and family (and your DH) to be on alert for if they think your struggling. And don’t set too high standards for yourself. My gp told me women who’ve had a long journey to conceiving are at higher risk of postnatal mental health issues, which makes sense when you think what we’ve been through to become mothers.

I also felt like i could never complain or say anything negative because I’d tried so hard for so long, so I didn’t ask for help when I should have done. I was very lucky to have a close support network so I got through it, but it’s something to hear in mind.

Congratulations on your pregnancy and I hope you do manage to enjoy it!

ps there is a pregnancy after infertility thread on the pregnancy forum that might be worth a look xxxx

Honestly, was terrified throughout my pregnancy (though additional issues meant nobody knew if my uterus would be able to carry to term), very anxious but that did settle a bit towards the end. Feeling movements helped, though I panicked if they were reduced. I remember my consultant telling me to enjoy it, but I just couldn't.
When she was born, it all felt unreal. She didn't feel like mine, and I kept expecting someone to come and take her away. I didn't feel that rush of love, only a vague sense of "WTF do I do now?!"
But I also remember missing her as soon as she was born and away from me (like when I was in the shower). And a couple of lovely moments when she was sleeping on my chest at a couple of weeks old, while we watched films and ate chocolates. I felt that rush of love at about 6 weeks I think, when I was feeding her in the middle of the night, and she came off and smiled at me, and it felt like just the two of us in the world.
But I also think I was very tough on myself after she was born, I expected perfection from myself after everything I'd been through, and how long I'd waited for her, and that undoubtedly contributed to PND. So be kind to yourself. I think there is a point at which you can't guard your heart any more, and you just have to go with it, as the only other option is to distance yourself from your baby, which is no good for either of you. Let yourself love them, even though it's terrifying.