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Original poster

Any advice about autistic teens not allowing people into family home ?

49 replies

OhWellThatsIt · 18/05/2022 13:12

What am I meant to do ? I’m also ND and I need some help around the house yet my asd dc are crying, screaming , refusing to allow it as this is their safe space.
i just want to cry

OP posts:
Gilead · 18/05/2022 14:18

You are in charge here. Discuss your needs with them quietly and calmly, maybe reach a compromise eg not their bedrooms.

saraclara · 18/05/2022 14:36

How old are they? And have you never had anyone in the house who doesn't live there?

Original poster
OhWellThatsIt · 18/05/2022 17:55

16 and 19

yes we have and they didn’t like it but kept out of the way - now it seems they aren’t prepared to and are voicing their opinions loudly and how their safe space is to be protected

I’ve had dd screaming and crying that it’s my fault I’ve made her stressed and unhappy as she didn’t feel comfortable with the ‘threat’ of someone coming round

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

SEN
Original poster
OhWellThatsIt · 18/05/2022 17:56

Covid I think made things worse as they had a long period of time where nobody came round

OP posts:
picklemewalnuts · 18/05/2022 17:58

Scream and cry back about how you can't cope without help, and your safe space is chaotic and you can't settle down and relax.

EatSleepReplete · 18/05/2022 18:01

Would they feel better about it if they were allowed to keep to their room/s with music on & the door closed, or go out to a friend's house while the visitor comes round? I have this with DH who has clear ASD traits although no diagnosis. The only way he will tolerate any visitor, even my mother, is to take himself off upstairs or go out.

I think you need to be understanding of their distress but make sure they understand that you have needs too. They are old enough that they comprehend this unless they also have an element of SEN that would cause an issue with that.

2reefsin30knots · 18/05/2022 18:01

Have somebody in when they are out at school/ work?

Greensleeves · 18/05/2022 18:03

Tell them that the only way around it is for them to make a rota, do the necessary housework themselves, and stick to it reliably. Otherwise Mum is going to pay someone to do it. If they can't cope with someone being in the house, then tell them the hours in advance and they can arrange to be elsewhere.

I have an autistic 19yo, and I'm passionate about reasonable adjustments - but this isn't reasonable.

Original poster
OhWellThatsIt · 18/05/2022 18:08

I tried to compromise today that they could stay in their rooms and I would ask the cleaner not to clean their rooms - but one decided that actually she would go to my room and shut the door to what prove a point I’m not sure ?
Then we had the boiler repairs and she then tried to shut kitchen door saying it was her safe space to eat and if anyone came in she couldn’t eat and then crying that she feel uncomfortable in her home.

i feel bad as I know they struggle but this is unavoidable that I do need people in

OP posts:
Original poster
OhWellThatsIt · 18/05/2022 18:14

Greensleeves · 18/05/2022 18:03

Tell them that the only way around it is for them to make a rota, do the necessary housework themselves, and stick to it reliably. Otherwise Mum is going to pay someone to do it. If they can't cope with someone being in the house, then tell them the hours in advance and they can arrange to be elsewhere.

I have an autistic 19yo, and I'm passionate about reasonable adjustments - but this isn't reasonable.

I’ve begged. They both have adhd too and tell me they can’t be expected to organise or clean as they can’t actually do it due to their adhd plus due to asd they feel nauseous/ will actually vomit if have you do any cleaning tasks eg the dishwasher that involves food debris.

i know it’s hard for them but I have had enough today

OP posts:
Cascais · 18/05/2022 18:17

You don’t beg, you tell them.

Original poster
OhWellThatsIt · 18/05/2022 18:17

Sorry I’m just exhausted of it all today. Completely exhausted

I know it’s nobody’s fault but I do feel sometimes they are being more difficult than they need to be , not saying their issues aren’t genuine as obviously I know they are . It’s just exhausting

going to get a bottle of wine 🍷 😭

OP posts:
saraclara · 18/05/2022 18:17

Do they ever leave the house for anything? Work? Education?

Is still not the answer though. If they can never be independent, this is the rest of your life that they're controlling. Do they have support workers? Counsellors? This is something that they really need to be helped to work through.

RandomMess · 18/05/2022 18:18

Perhaps you need to do the opposite and have people around daily, start of small but frequent, people the know then people they don't know.

I wonder how much of it is "teenage entitlement" capitalise on their genuine anxieties?

Smartiepants79 · 18/05/2022 18:19

Then you need to keep reiterating that this is unavoidable and not negotiable. All the screaming and crying isn’t going to change this. It is not a workable long term solution to never have anyone else come into your house ever again.
You have as much right to having your needs met as they do. They are not small children anymore, some compromises are necessary.
Them having their rooms as an inviolable safe space is a fair and reasonable compromise. For the limited time you have others in the house, they can stay in their rooms.

MolliciousIntent · 18/05/2022 18:23

This sounds much more like teenage bad behaviour than it does ND, I'm afraid. Tell them to suck it up, make a small concession (IE not in their rooms) and then crack on.

No begging and crying, no endless negotiations, just do it.

Original poster
OhWellThatsIt · 18/05/2022 18:23

RandomMess · 18/05/2022 18:18

Perhaps you need to do the opposite and have people around daily, start of small but frequent, people the know then people they don't know.

I wonder how much of it is "teenage entitlement" capitalise on their genuine anxieties?

This is why I’m stressed I think as I can’t gauge how much is genuine asd/adhd and how much is teenage entitlement and then I feel guilty even thinking it. I shouldn’t think it or say it but there seem to be flash points that are more to do with asserting themselves

OP posts:
Original poster
OhWellThatsIt · 18/05/2022 18:26

MolliciousIntent · 18/05/2022 18:23

This sounds much more like teenage bad behaviour than it does ND, I'm afraid. Tell them to suck it up, make a small concession (IE not in their rooms) and then crack on.

No begging and crying, no endless negotiations, just do it.

I’m glad you’re all saying it as I feel bad that I was thinking it 😞

if I pull them up on certain behaviour the screaming and crying and ‘it’s my asd/adhd’ starts and yes elements of that are true but it’s being said more and more

OP posts:
Soapboxqueen · 18/05/2022 18:27

OP you might want to see if you can get this moved to one of the SEN boards as you might get more specfic suggestions.

As pp have said, is there a time when they aren't in the house that you could schedule things for?

Failing that, something that I've done with my ds, is to give him the problem eg 'x needs to happen. I know you don't like it when this happens. How would you fix this?'

Sometimes through conversation I can find the crux of the issue eg noise, a smell, feeling like someone's happening outside of his control. Which I can then plan around.

Othertimes, he sees that the alternatives are worse so agrees to put up with whatever it is.

lunar1 · 18/05/2022 18:33

Are they in education? I think you have to say they need to just stay in their room, that has to be non negotiable.

AndAsIfByMagic · 18/05/2022 18:33

I think you need to be firm and let them rant and scream. Tell them how it is going to be and suggest they find somewhere else to live if they don't like it.

They are manipulating you. Make them stop.

2reefsin30knots · 18/05/2022 18:35

I'd come back at that with 'being autistic makes it more difficult for you to tolerate people in your space, but not impossible and you can learn to feel more comfortable with it if we work on it'.

Do they not go out at all?

yesthatisdrizzle · 18/05/2022 18:40

I don't say this lightly, I am on the spectrum myself (and I have close friends with autistic teens/young adults) so I do know a bit about autism...

This has gone too far. They are taking the piss and manipulating you, and using their conditions as an excuse to do whatever they damn well please.

Original poster
OhWellThatsIt · 18/05/2022 18:43

yesthatisdrizzle · 18/05/2022 18:40

I don't say this lightly, I am on the spectrum myself (and I have close friends with autistic teens/young adults) so I do know a bit about autism...

This has gone too far. They are taking the piss and manipulating you, and using their conditions as an excuse to do whatever they damn well please.

This is how I feel. I am ND and I KNOW I have to do stuff I don’t want to and I know not to treat others with utter contempt but they seem to dictate And I’m exhausted

OP posts:
RandomMess · 18/05/2022 18:46

Ok perhaps you need to say "tough, your bedroom is your safe space so stay in it"

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