Any advice about autistic teens not allowing people into family home ?

[OhWellThatsIt]

What am I meant to do ? I’m also ND and I need some help around the house yet my asd dc are crying, screaming , refusing to allow it as this is their safe space.
i just want to cry

The kitchen won't be a safe space if the boiler isn't maintained.

Talk it through. The main thing that upsets autistic children is change.
Sit down with them and ask how it is threatening. What do they fear? What do they think will happen? Can they rationalise this? How likely is it to happen? Can they envisage the best that could happen? If you had a regular cleaner/visitor, would that person no longer be a stranger and become a welcome addition?

You also need to ask quite clearly: Are you aware that imposing these restrictions has severe negative impact on my life? Are you aware that my needs are as important as yours? What ways can you think of to help meet my needs and take them into consideration?

Seriously, you can't let your children bully and control you just because they are autistic. That is not good for them. It is not helping them gain the resilience and social skills they need to navigate life.

This has gone too far. They are taking the piss and manipulating you, and using their conditions as an excuse to do whatever they damn well please.

Yes. I've taught autistic kids for most of my working life, so I really don't say this lightly. But it sounds very much that they're using their diagnosis to arm standard normal teenage selfishness.

How do they cope when their friends come round? Or when yours do?

My two with ASD don't like visitors (can't say I enjoy it much either tbh) but the rule is that they don't have to acknowledge their presence, they can stay in their room and I won't allow anyone to bother them. I give them a warning, arrange a time when they either aren't here or can confine themselves and ensure that nobody goes upstairs whilst they are in their rooms. I wouldn't put up with them dictating to me when I've offered a reasonable option to them.

Yes. I just need to do this and be stronger. I don’t know why but today I was just worn down at the start , I think I’ve reached peak exhaustion with it all

They're 16 and 19! One is an adult and one almost an adult.

Loading the dishwasher, letting people into the house to do various tasks - these are things they need to be able to do if they are ever to live independently. You need to encourage them each to do their chores every day. They can make a list and tick off each item to help them remember it. Life skills!

Sounds like they're milking things a bit...

My ND daughter is funny about cleaners but they just come when she is in school. I have also found she responds better to people closer to her age - so I tend to hire younger females if I need someone to do something.

i'm ND, i have an ND teenager. (ASD/ADHD) Yes the house is OUR safe space, but if we need to get stuff done HIS safe space is HIS room, where he is left to his own devices.

At no point have i ever let him or his sister dictate how the rest of my house runs or who can/cannot come in.

If he doesn't want to deal with anyone coming in, he goes to his room.

ASD/ADHD isn't an excuse.. give them fair warning, guide them through the transition with now/next/later type stuff. Handle the bad behaviour.

There are choices and there are necessities.

I have to be blunt, clear and firm about boundaries and expectations. I find simple explanations set ahead of time help. I try to explain why it’s needed and offer a safe solution for my child. At times I have to state, ‘My house, my rules, my choice. This needs to be done because . . .’

It is fair to expect visitors into your home. It is fair to give your children a safe alternative such as staying in their room and not interacting or arranging visits when they are elsewhere.

Sometimes mine need to know their fears have been heard and acknowledged. It’s not easy, good luck.

I work in a unit for kids with SEND, many of which will never be able to live alone due to their needs.

This would be a non-issue.
They don’t have a choice.

You compromised which is fantastic and said they can have their safe space but that is one room only and they can clean that themselves.

I understand not wanting people in their safe space but they need to start acclimatising to it as they’re getting older now and will often have to do things they don’t want to do.

I say this as an autistic person with OCD (also highly likely have ADHD), and have children with autism/ADHD, you are not unreasonable in your request.

The autism/ADHD is a reason, not an excuse, and you have been more than reasonable and offered a compromise.

Your needs are important too, and you are allowed to set boundaries.

I find it difficult and feel guilty, but you have to pick your battles sometimes and stand your ground, which you can do while still being reasonable.

Why is the 19yr old still living at home anyway? I have a child with ASD and she can't wait to get her own place as soon as she's old enough!

This is an incredibly naïve post. It's a rare 19yr old who is able to financially support themselves solo, and those who can are generally in house shares, which is sounds like would be completely impossible for this particularly 19yr old. Your child may be eager to fly the nest, but that doesn't mean it will be logistically or financially possible for her to do so at 19.

Any chance of these two having a tiny flat just the 2 of them? I know a couple of pretty severely ASD lads and eventually this was the solution. Their needs would utterly dominate the rest of the family. They have carers, because they can't leave the house without help - no money management skills, complete gullibility and vulnerability.

I have asd and really really struggle to the point of tears like your two with strangers in the house, I just put on noise cancelling headphones, watch Netflix and make sure I already have food in my room so I can eat. That is what they need to do, tell them they can stay in their room, but people do have to come around for essential reasons in life.
It just needs to be done and they will have to cope really in their rooms and can mitigate issues such as having the food in the room so they don't have to go down headphones so they don't have to hear etc but people coming in to help you clean or to do repairs is non negotiable.

Oh bless. I kinda feel the same. Covid has made my world so small and I hate having people in now even more than I used to.

I would suggest that they stay in their rooms with noise cancelling headphones on. Make it clear that it's only for x hours and have something to look forward to afterwards.

My son is autistic (he’s 9) and he struggles to manage his anger. We spend a lot of time teaching him skills to help with this. He has tried the ‘but it’s my autism’ a couple of times as an excuse/reason for bad behaviour.

I’m trying to teach him that although he finds some things hard, that doesn’t mean he doesn’t have to do them. Just like if he were dyslexic, it would be hard for him to learn to read, but that doesn’t mean he wouldn’t have to learn to read. Or that as an adult, there will always be bits of your job that you find hard - you’ve still got to do it.

I think your teens to have the same conversation - just because something is hard for them, it doesn’t mean they don’t have to do it. They can come up with ways to help them cope and make it easier, but avoidance of anything difficult isn’t going to work.

What a great thread. So many posts full of wisdom, understanding and support.

I think there is a hefty dose of teenagerdom in here. They are trying to impose their boundaries, ie that they get to control who comes into the building, rather than accepting the boundaries you are setting. This is not in their gift, it's one of those things that is going to happen and they can only control their reaction to it. You are giving appropriate support in giving them options of staying in their room etc.

This acceptance of stuff they can't control can be very difficult for autistic kids, especially if they have not been able to cope with school. (I don't know if that's the case here.) Don't beat yourself up, you have an extra-difficult job here, but you are doing the right things and you'll get there. Plus they won't always be teenagers, preprogrammed to buck against whatever rules there are.

I've asd and adhd and I'm sorry to say that they are being ridiculous. If the boiler for example is broke, what do they expect you to do? Leave it broken? Maybe putting the question to them might help them see that sometimes we have to do what we don't want to do. They've the option of keeping their rooms as their safe space or they can leave the house when people come found. This all sounds like woke social media bs.

I work with ND teens/young adults. Issues such as this usually related to control struggles and issues with change. Needing a particular “safe space” to be the same all the time also can signify a lack of internal safety, or ways of coping with the anxiety that a change can bring. The instinct, therefore, is to do as much as possible to avoid a change happening.

Things that can promote internal safety include learning anxiety management techniques - grounding, grounding/soothing objects and stims, breathing, reducing sensory input (using loop earplugs or noise cancelling headphones to minimise the noise from vacuuming etc), engaging in a special interest can also soothe the nervous system.

I engage in change planning with patients, talking about what the change is, what feelings it’s bringing up, involving patients in strategising how to cope with a change. Usually I’d suggest a change is introduced incrementally using a version of a graded exposure type approach, but of course this isn’t always possible for practical reasons.

FWIW I’m seeing lots of these issues appearing because of the rebound from
Covid, for many ASD kids/teens Covid kept things unnaturally stable and reduced the need to adapt to change on a daily basis. Now things are going “back to normal” it’s increased the demands and for many autistic young people their window of tolerance for change and anxiety is much smaller than it was.

FWIW I’m seeing lots of these issues appearing because of the rebound from
Covid, for many ASD kids/teens Covid kept things unnaturally stable and reduced the need to adapt to change on a daily basis. Now things are going “back to normal” it’s increased the demands and for many autistic young people their window of tolerance for change and anxiety is much smaller than it was.

Yes. I worried about my autistic and anxious relative when covid hit. But actually he coped with the last couple of years better than the rest of us, it seems. He relished the controls and rules, and not having to deal with social occasions.

If you allow the whole house to become a 'safe apace' then their anxiety is expanding, rather than reducing. The house needs to be maintained.

My compromise on the dishwasher is that my unloads it, doesn't have to load it. Carries bags out to the vins but I touch them (or he wears disposable gloves). He stays in his bedroom when the cleaner comes and then moves to the living room so she can vacuum in there. He has to tidy his room and put his rubbish in the bin.

Internal major works are spaced out and everything else I try and do while he is at school.

I think you have to be quite firm and boundaried or they take the piss to be honest!

Yes. I worried about my autistic and anxious relative when covid hit. But actually he coped with the last couple of years better than the rest of us, it seems. He relished the controls and rules, and not having to deal with social occasions.

Yes it's the coming back out again that's hard, like going back to a hectic stressful job after an amazing chilled-out holiday.

It is so hard to balance where and when to push. @Clymene there are some good ideas there. It feels like a full time job for us all sometimes, micromanaging and struggling with barriers that a lot of people wouldn't even register.