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Original poster

I lost respect for my mom when she became a grandma

33 replies

Averytiredmommy · 14/05/2022 22:09

hi everyone, and sorry to spill the heartache here… I don’t have many mom friends I can share this with and I just want to know if anyone else can relate or give helpful advice.

i have a dd who is 2 and a half. My own mom wanted a grandchild so much and I was so happy to give her one. But every time she visits it’s a complete nightmare. Firstly I love my mom, she loves me and her granddaughter so much. Dd is not the simplest child. She never slept well, and now that she is a toddler she really REALLY likes to look for the limits to push. Tantrums, inconsolable crying if tantrums are ignored, you name it. Classic toddler ?, a bit on the tricky side? but a clever lively cherub otherwise. But whenever my mom visits she can’t hack it. And … she blames me. Her favourite phrase is “you were never like that”. Worse… she implied something is wrong with me as a mom and with her own granddaughter. I try to look from her perspective and try to ask myself … is there? But dd is healthy, happy, loved, good in nursery, hit every milestone, the paediatrician never has any issues (we asked about her tantrums and she said they were pretty standard), dd has a secure attachment to me and daddy. She is stubborn and likes to get her way with tantrums.. I can’t say we never cave in. but from what I saw and read she is not really out of norm. But when grandma is in the house she does ramp it up. My honest guess is because she knows grandma can’t hack it and will cave in - tv, ice-cream whatever is desired. But what really really gets to me is that she then judges me.. implies I am to blame for dds tantrums (god knows, am I!?). This happens every single time she spends more than a day in our house. I have a collection of nasty things she said saved deep in my brain - that I am absent mom, that I am too focused on work, that dd lacks discipline, that she should not be this or that by 2. When I lose my cool and confront her she throws a hissy, slams the door and says I don’t respect or love her. Tbh she may well be right the respect part at this point. But at the same time I love her deeply, I know she loves me and dd to distraction. And yet here we are. I don’t want to have less of her in our lives, but every time she visits it ends with a door slam and me feeling anxious all the way. Help, I ran out of ideas. How do you manage a grandma who is driving mommy nuts? (I am sure I drive her nuts too)

OP posts:
Sprigofthyme · 14/05/2022 22:16

No advice, but I often think parents of grown up children look back with rose tinted glasses. My mother often says ‘I don’t remember you being like that’ or ‘no, you never done that’ etc but I remember her regularly losing her cool because me and my dsis were being shits. 30 years on, she makes out she seems to remember us being angels, but I remember otherwise.

Porcupineintherough · 14/05/2022 22:21

I kind of think the opposite- all toddlers are grim as fuck but when they're yours you don't notice it.

YANBU OP but maybe (hopefully) she'll mellow a bit as your dd gets older.

thistimelastweek · 14/05/2022 22:32

Grandma is too involved. Grandmas' opinions are only welcome if asked for.

I know this because I'm a Grandma. Doesn't matter if I think I know better because it's not my baby.

Somehow, you need to get this across to your mum.

Interested in this thread?

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Families
StillMedusa · 14/05/2022 22:33

She thinks a toddler should have grown out of tantrums by 2??? Grin Best warn her that the threes can be even worse!

I would actually be quite stern with her 'Mum I love you but I do lose respect for you when you undermine me, my parenting and insinuate that I am not doing a good job' She will probably huff off but actually it's her problem if she is offended. YOU are Mum (and ignoring tantrums is great as often as you can)

I say that as a Granny myself, with a fabulous and VERY stroppy little grandson !
His mum WAS an easy baby and toddler.. his uncle and aunt were not so I remember caryring out a screaming plank of a child many a time... and now I'm Granny care and starting all over again Grin

Some children are simply more difficult to handle than others; your Mum needs to respect your parenting and if she can't... you might need to decrease the visits for your own sanity til this phase passes a bit!

Hang in there. One of mine was very very tricky as a toddler..and small child, but as she got more independent she became easier to live with ..I actually think she hated being a baby and toddler because she wanted to be in control.
She's a fairly reasonably adult now Grin

AllyCatTown · 14/05/2022 22:35

Sprigofthyme · 14/05/2022 22:16

No advice, but I often think parents of grown up children look back with rose tinted glasses. My mother often says ‘I don’t remember you being like that’ or ‘no, you never done that’ etc but I remember her regularly losing her cool because me and my dsis were being shits. 30 years on, she makes out she seems to remember us being angels, but I remember otherwise.

This!

My mum has a young cousin close to my age and when she had two girls she was telling my mum how they would fight etc and asking for advice. My mum said me and my sister always got on 😂. That wasn’t the case at all. Complete rose tinted vision!

I suspect your mum also doesn’t have an accurate memory of the time you were a child. It was so long ago.

mnahmnah · 14/05/2022 22:37

Let me guess - your mum was a stay at home mum and didn’t work? The fact that you work is the issue for her and therefore every little issue is down to that. All part of the judgment we get for working, other mums doing at the school gates too.

kitcat15 · 14/05/2022 22:37

Toddlers are all little shits….and I doubt yours is any better than the rest OP …such is life…..I expect your Mum is remembering you as a child thru rose tinted glasses

AntsAntsAntsAnts · 14/05/2022 22:40

My MIL seems to think all of her children were perfect and she the perfect mother. I’m sure it’s just rose tinted glasses so I just smile and nod at parenting suggestions.

FWIW, I have a child who is autistic, but at 2 I wouldn’t have had a clue (some kids are obvious at rhat age, some are harder to spot). So I guess the answer is that there could be something different about your child but maybe there isn’t. Whatever the future holds in that regard, it doesn’t change who your child is, and when children are behaving in certain (undesirable) ways it is not your fault. All behaviour is communication, and over time as her communication skills develop you might find she mellows. Or not. In any case there is no point worrying about it now.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 14/05/2022 22:40

She literally slams the door and strops off?! Who is the toddler here, exactly? No wonder you've lost respect. It's hard to respect someone who won't tolerate having their hurtful behaviour/words questioned.

Perhaps you were a very obedient child because you learned early on that anything else resulted in withdrawal of love. Which to a tiny child, feels literally life-threatening.

Dailyfailcanfeckoff · 14/05/2022 22:50

I can imagine what happens - you manage toddler behaviour as well as anyone can then
granny rocks up and doles out the sugar to placate( reward) ,which toddler has sussed so ups the ante. Can’t possibly be angelic granny causing the problem so she’s in a huff.

you don’t need the stress or anxiety of this.
your dc doesn’t need this level of input either. It’s not helpful to any of you.

I would quietly limit the length of cost - go to her house - yes it will be a sugar fest - but you are more in control. Space the visits out a little more.

dm might be right - you may have been angelic. It’s a shock if you’ve had pliable dc to find one that isn’t. That’s just luck of the draw. Anyway you do not want a pliant little girl. Confidence and fiestiness are good qualities.

Marty13 · 14/05/2022 23:00

My mother harassed us for grandkids then once they were there showed them no interest whatsoever.

She also labors under the delusion that she was a great mom and we were well-behaved thanks to her parenting (we weren't). But at the same time she thoroughly disapproves of us as adults. But doesn't think it has anything to do with her parenting. The cognitive dissonance is staggering.

Thankfully for my mental health, and for the shreds of a relationship that we maintain, I live very far away and she couldn't be arsed to visit. I mean, who would take care of her cats ? There are priorities in life, way more important than a relationship with grandchildren.

Original poster
Averytiredmommy · 14/05/2022 23:04

EvenMoreFuriousVexation, oh dear .. it’s pretty close to home. Not withdrawing love ..but I remember vividly deliberately not crying because I felt like it would cause panic or sadness and I would not get comfort I wanted.

OP posts:
HeadNorth · 14/05/2022 23:07

I remember getting this shit about my youngest, who was a right wee handful. I think I ended up saying ‘what do you want me to do - assassinate her?’

Said wee shit now has a highly respected caring professional career. Tell your mum to do one.

MissyCooperismyShero · 14/05/2022 23:12

Thing is op, you don't get to police or control what your mum says. She can say whatever she likes. You only get to control how you react to it. How do you want to react to it? Stop inviting her in? Laugh and tut at her? Tell her you think she is wrong? You've got a lot of options, but making her change her mind probably isn't one of them.

BluegrassBlues · 14/05/2022 23:15

What does your mum say when you tell her it's worse when she's there because she caves in to the tantrums?

StillMedusa · 14/05/2022 23:15

HeadNorth That made me laugh out loud...
My wee shit is now a doctor... sometimes strong personalities are a good thing!

Original poster
Averytiredmommy · 14/05/2022 23:15

Marty13 · 14/05/2022 23:00

My mother harassed us for grandkids then once they were there showed them no interest whatsoever.

She also labors under the delusion that she was a great mom and we were well-behaved thanks to her parenting (we weren't). But at the same time she thoroughly disapproves of us as adults. But doesn't think it has anything to do with her parenting. The cognitive dissonance is staggering.

Thankfully for my mental health, and for the shreds of a relationship that we maintain, I live very far away and she couldn't be arsed to visit. I mean, who would take care of her cats ? There are priorities in life, way more important than a relationship with grandchildren.

Lol, Marty13, mine has 2 dogs and she calls them her other children. At least those “kids” don’t talk back :P

OP posts:
Original poster
Averytiredmommy · 14/05/2022 23:18

StillMedusa · 14/05/2022 22:33

She thinks a toddler should have grown out of tantrums by 2??? Grin Best warn her that the threes can be even worse!

I would actually be quite stern with her 'Mum I love you but I do lose respect for you when you undermine me, my parenting and insinuate that I am not doing a good job' She will probably huff off but actually it's her problem if she is offended. YOU are Mum (and ignoring tantrums is great as often as you can)

I say that as a Granny myself, with a fabulous and VERY stroppy little grandson !
His mum WAS an easy baby and toddler.. his uncle and aunt were not so I remember caryring out a screaming plank of a child many a time... and now I'm Granny care and starting all over again Grin

Some children are simply more difficult to handle than others; your Mum needs to respect your parenting and if she can't... you might need to decrease the visits for your own sanity til this phase passes a bit!

Hang in there. One of mine was very very tricky as a toddler..and small child, but as she got more independent she became easier to live with ..I actually think she hated being a baby and toddler because she wanted to be in control.
She's a fairly reasonably adult now Grin

StillMedusa You give me hope :P and yeaaaa I think the visits gotta be short and sweet at least for now

OP posts:
Penguinsaregreat · 14/05/2022 23:20

Ex mil used to say things about my dcs arguing. In the end I said well I know for a fact that your dcs argued and fought because I married one of them! She soon shut up.

jaffacakesareepic · 14/05/2022 23:21

My mum spent my sisters entire pregnancy reminding her that i was the child from hell (I was a perfectly normal child)

Since my sister has had a child she spends the entire time telling her how difficult he is compared to her wonderfully brought up children, apparently now i was never a problem child

You need to try and detach from what she is saying (easier said than done)

PrtScn · 14/05/2022 23:25

Ha, my mum thinks it’s hilarious when my toddler plays up. Apparently it’s karma for all the times I misbehaved as a child.
I personally don’t think I was as bad as she makes out, but my mum disagrees 🤣.

I just ignore my mother, she doesn’t offer me any “advice”, just takes glee from my sons occassional normal toddler mis-behaviour, which I let her enjoy. Makes no odds to me. My sister on the other hand sounds like you. Gets worked up at any criticism or advice my mother offers. I think they feed off each other. Just don’t react or take heed of anything she says. You’ll feel happier for it.

knowinglesseveryday · 14/05/2022 23:25

My children are now young adults and I remember far less of this sort of detail than you might think. I expect other women my age are the same. So a good chunk of that stuff is rubbish.

grapehyacinthisactuallyblue · 14/05/2022 23:27

Don't let her decide what to do? She caves in means you are giving a chance of decision making to her, right?
Your house, your child, it doesn't matter what gran says, you decide. Maybe she will realise it doesn't matter if gran is here or not, that the rule won't change.

Original poster
Averytiredmommy · 14/05/2022 23:28

BluegrassBlues, she says she can’t stand and watch dd roll on the floor and get red in the face. It hurts her (i mean it hurt me too!) and she thinks it’s just a wrong thing to do to let her cry like that. Tbh Dd does a very good job at rolling on the floor and all but the second granny takes the iPad out it’s all smiles.

OP posts:
Original poster
Averytiredmommy · 14/05/2022 23:35

PrtScn · 14/05/2022 23:25

Ha, my mum thinks it’s hilarious when my toddler plays up. Apparently it’s karma for all the times I misbehaved as a child.
I personally don’t think I was as bad as she makes out, but my mum disagrees 🤣.

I just ignore my mother, she doesn’t offer me any “advice”, just takes glee from my sons occassional normal toddler mis-behaviour, which I let her enjoy. Makes no odds to me. My sister on the other hand sounds like you. Gets worked up at any criticism or advice my mother offers. I think they feed off each other. Just don’t react or take heed of anything she says. You’ll feel happier for it.

i do get worked up, it’s true. Sigh. But the funny thing is if I ignore her and do the smile and nod thing - she knows I am just avoiding the whole thing and we get the “you don’t respect me” routine anyways.

OP posts: