I lost respect for my mom when she became a grandma

[Averytiredmommy]

hi everyone, and sorry to spill the heartache here… I don’t have many mom friends I can share this with and I just want to know if anyone else can relate or give helpful advice.

i have a dd who is 2 and a half. My own mom wanted a grandchild so much and I was so happy to give her one. But every time she visits it’s a complete nightmare. Firstly I love my mom, she loves me and her granddaughter so much. Dd is not the simplest child. She never slept well, and now that she is a toddler she really REALLY likes to look for the limits to push. Tantrums, inconsolable crying if tantrums are ignored, you name it. Classic toddler ?, a bit on the tricky side? but a clever lively cherub otherwise. But whenever my mom visits she can’t hack it. And … she blames me. Her favourite phrase is “you were never like that”. Worse… she implied something is wrong with me as a mom and with her own granddaughter. I try to look from her perspective and try to ask myself … is there? But dd is healthy, happy, loved, good in nursery, hit every milestone, the paediatrician never has any issues (we asked about her tantrums and she said they were pretty standard), dd has a secure attachment to me and daddy. She is stubborn and likes to get her way with tantrums.. I can’t say we never cave in. but from what I saw and read she is not really out of norm. But when grandma is in the house she does ramp it up. My honest guess is because she knows grandma can’t hack it and will cave in - tv, ice-cream whatever is desired. But what really really gets to me is that she then judges me.. implies I am to blame for dds tantrums (god knows, am I!?). This happens every single time she spends more than a day in our house. I have a collection of nasty things she said saved deep in my brain - that I am absent mom, that I am too focused on work, that dd lacks discipline, that she should not be this or that by 2. When I lose my cool and confront her she throws a hissy, slams the door and says I don’t respect or love her. Tbh she may well be right the respect part at this point. But at the same time I love her deeply, I know she loves me and dd to distraction. And yet here we are. I don’t want to have less of her in our lives, but every time she visits it ends with a door slam and me feeling anxious all the way. Help, I ran out of ideas. How do you manage a grandma who is driving mommy nuts? (I am sure I drive her nuts too)

My friends and I talk about this often about how mums do this. Their way is the best way. Don’t get me started on my MIL. My toddler hates socks, she has tantrums. I have tried every type of slipper etc but she just won’t keep them on. So every time DDs behaviour changes my MIL attributes this to her not wearing socks! It drives me crazy.
However, I second a previous comment as this may be because she has an issue with you working. With the absent mother comment.

I leave my child roll on the floor I dont think if I could comfort them.

However I wouldn't be telling anyone irl what to do uninvited!

I think you need to tell your mum that she should have short visits only, meantime, as DD acts up more when she's there & that upsets her (mum).
Maybe see her on outings to the park etc. Might that help to reduce the tantrums?
I'm a gran and your mum is encouraging the tantrums by caving. You need to break the pattern.

Is there any chance your child notices the tension and plays up more because of it? Either because it upsets her or to be the centre of both of your attention?

My mum was the exact opposite. When my brother moaned about his son and daughter having tantrums she was beaming at him kind of "Aha, now you know what you were like!!!"

Your mother needs to grow up. Your 2 year old is entitled to a frustrated tantrum or two. Your mother is old enough to have left door slamming exits far away in her past. Stop allowing her behaviour.

I think you need to find a way to tell your mother how she's making you feel just as you did in your OP and ask her to stop. Either that or limit her time.
It's hard enough dealing with perfectly normal toddler tantrums without dealing with her pathetic door slamming whenever you disagree with her.
I also think you need to work on some calming, assertive stock phrases, that you can repeat when she does this so that you can stand up to her or get through to her and diffuse the situation. It sounds like you've already got some good insight into the problem, and can use this build some confidence/faith in your ability to parent well. The fact that she can't discuss it without door slamming and running away illustrates that she's in no position to be undermining you.

I’d invite your mum along to a soft play place or a toddlers rhyme time, something where there’s loads of two year olds. It’ll soon open her eyes as to the reality of toddlers and not the golden (false) memories she has of them.