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Original poster

Write it off?

35 replies

WingingIt101 · 14/05/2022 21:59

Yesterday a friend and her new partner came to stay with DH and I.
They were only staying because we live near a venue they wanted to go to but they live 3 hours away from.
I used to live with her and we get along well but rarely get to see each other in person and I hadn't met her new partner yet, so I thought it would be lovely to catch up as a bonus of them wanting to visit the area.

When we made the arrangements we agreed we would get a takeaway as a treat. On the face of it we are more comfortable financially than they are, however she also knows that we are feeling the pressure of the rising costs, and have a baby on the way so the worry of covering a maternity leave without an income.

I text her in the morning saying how much I was looking forward to seeing them, could I get anything specific in to drink or for breakfast, and did they have an idea what food they might fancy for dinner.
The reply was a selection of soft drinks, some beer and they had a real craving for Indian.

So I got in a selection of drinks as they'd asked for and we ordered the takeaway. They ordered considerably more than we did - sides and starters and left a lot of it (not really relevant that they left it, just annoys me more!).
DH had to go and collect it so I gave him my card - it was £80 (about £50 to them £30 to us) But they offered nothing at the time DH went to get it, or when he got back, or since. We had expected to go halves. If they had paid we would have been straight to the cash point or online banking.

I feel SO tight asking for half the money. But we can't really afford to cover their half - if we had £80 spare we would have booked a babysitter and gone out the two of us, not paid for someone else's! I'd have cooked something for a fraction of the cost if I Had thought they wouldn't pay their share.

They did give me a bunch of flowers when they arrived which look very expensive so it feels really rude to then ask for their half of the dinner bill - what would you do? Chalk it up to idiot tax and know better next time to get their money before we go and pick it up, or message something along the lines of "I've just realised we didn't sort the money for the curry - could you send me your half when you have a minute?"

OP posts:

Teeheehee1579 · 14/05/2022 22:02

I think it is a tricky one: regardless of the circumstances if I am hosting I would expect to pay tbh. I would probably offer some money if we were getting takeaway but wouldn’t necessarily expect to be taken up on it. If we are short of cash I would always cook rather than risk takeaway

lpoyghy · 14/05/2022 22:07

Depends how it was phrased when you arranged it I guess. Getting a takeaway as a treat sounds a bit like you were treating them.

Original poster

WingingIt101 · 14/05/2022 22:09

Thanks - this is why I feel awkward, we've always split in the past with a takeaway and certainly wouldn't dream of not even offering, particularly as it was said a few times what a treat it was for us all, and they were staying as it was convenient to them, rather than get a hotel etc - in that situation I'd be offering to cover it all as a thanks for having us!

I'm going to have to chalk it up to idiot tax aren't i!

OP posts:

Original poster

WingingIt101 · 14/05/2022 22:11

lpoyghy · 14/05/2022 22:07

Depends how it was phrased when you arranged it I guess. Getting a takeaway as a treat sounds a bit like you were treating them.

It was "shall we get a takeaway? It'll be a real treat as we've not had one in ages"

I should have made it clearer in my op that whenever we've gotten together in the past it's been split (not by the penny but just in half) so that's the precedent.

OP posts:

ElenaSt · 14/05/2022 22:11

When house guests stay at yours you are the hosts so should pay the bill. However as you were putting them up so they could attend a venue then you would think that they dojo's contribute to the takeaway.

I would message and say, I thought you had given your share to husband and he thought that you had settled the bill with me, oops! Here's my bank transfer details.

lpoyghy · 14/05/2022 22:12

I agree I would have offered to contribute too.

hattie43 · 14/05/2022 22:16

You can't ask them now it would be too awkward .
I am surprised they didn't offer anything though although they bought flowers which was a nice gesture .

Original poster

WingingIt101 · 14/05/2022 22:20

hattie43 · 14/05/2022 22:16

You can't ask them now it would be too awkward .
I am surprised they didn't offer anything though although they bought flowers which was a nice gesture .

This is it - I don't think I can! My own fault for either not being clearer that we needed to split it / do something cheaper!

Can't face the awkwardness over £40!

Thanks all! Off to bed to wake up less grumpy I hope!

OP posts:

twoandcooplease · 14/05/2022 22:28

I'd message exactly what you wrote in your op. It's breezy enough!

twoandcooplease · 14/05/2022 22:35

I don't think it's too late at all to message it was only yesterday
Honestly, something like 'I had a great time with you and meting DP. Dh hopes you enjoyed the visit too! Thank you again for the beautiful flowers. Sorry, I totally forgot to ask for the takeaway money before you left, baby brain...doh! Yours was £XX. Is bank transfer best?'

MissyCooperismyShero · 14/05/2022 23:22

No you can't ask! Just that, don't do it.

stevalnamechanger · 14/05/2022 23:27

twoandcooplease · 14/05/2022 22:35

I would just ask this !

Mrstwiddle · 14/05/2022 23:34

I would ask for their half if that’s what you’ve always done before, (split the bill)

It sounds like you were doing them a favour by letting them stay at yours so it’s slightly different than you just inviting them to visit, when you might reasonably be expected to provide dinner - really they should have been treating you if anything.

Mrstwiddle · 14/05/2022 23:37

And if they didn’t even offer to bring drinks with them, that tends to indicate that they’re the ones being tight. I mean flowers are great, but that should always be an extra to drinks/edible gifts.

Suzi9989 · 14/05/2022 23:56

If you usually split the bill maybe it's just a mix-up (one thought the other paid) Just send a follow up message, " It's so lovely to see you guys, did you DH send u our banking details for the takeaway?

Or something similar? If I received that message, am not offended.... Good luck

mackthepony · 15/05/2022 02:08

So they stayed at yours, you got the beers in, specific soft drinks and paid for their takeaway?

And they don't offer to pay? Cheeky fuckery extraordinaire

mackthepony · 15/05/2022 02:09

Def do steval's text message

TigerLilyTail · 15/05/2022 02:13

Yes, just send that text. I don’t think it’s a big deal. If they are dicks about it, then at least you tried.

LJM1336 · 15/05/2022 02:28

Really rude of them not to offer however absolutely do Not ask them to pay now. Put it down to a lesson learnt. Some people just don’t have good manners

Kapalika · 15/05/2022 05:33

Don't waste headspace anymore and write it off. It can only lead to resentment!
If there is a next time, you know the deal.

Krabapple · 15/05/2022 05:39

I don’t know how people get into these situations. Instead of keeping quiet and the brooding on it why didn’t you just say at the time do u want my bank details to transfer your half? I would always expect to split the cost of a takeaway as both the guest and the host. So would all my friends.

RosieLeeD · 15/05/2022 05:41

I think it's rude of them not to offer to contribute particularly since you were doing them a favour letting them stay.

I think you should send a message along the lines of your original post and even if it's a tiny bit awkward at least it sets the precedence for any further occasion and it won't grind on you!

Sapphirensteel · 15/05/2022 05:57

They invited themselves to stay with you instead of paying for a hotel/B&B? They should have paid for the meal as a thanks, paying half is the absolute least they should pay. I’d send them the text in your OP.

Billandben444 · 15/05/2022 06:00

I wouldn't ask now but they are a bit cheeky. You came over as very generous when you offered to get drinks and special breakfast in for them and they've presumed that included paying for the takeaway - if you'd cooked or bought in stuff for an Indian meal you wouldn't have expected them to give you money towards your shopping bill. I'd chalk it up to experience and be wary in the future.

rattlemehearties · 15/05/2022 06:05

Awkward. Your message would have read to them as you were offering to pay ("treat"), it sounds like you're great considerate hosts with getting drinks in too. I'd write it off or it'll end up leaving a sour taste for them.

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