Will NSPCC take an anonymous report of emotional abuse seriously?

[NSPCCEnquiry]

Name changed for this.

I have a relation who has two kids age 10 and 14. She has been married to their father since before they were born. They are to all outward appearances a middle class family of total respectability. They look like a Boden advert and their house looks like one for Emma Bridgewater.

Unfortunately for the whole of my relation's marriage, and especially the years that the kids have been around, her marriage has been a godawful toxic shitshow. You could write a dissertation on whether she's a victim of her husband or whether they are equally foul to each other but the kids have been stuck in the middle all their lives.

To give some examples the dad will scream to the mum in front of the kids that she makes him want to kill himself and she will scream back that he ought to just do it. He will hit himself in the face in front of the kids. She involved the children when she was having an affair but made them swear not to tell their dad. Not a day goes by without them snarling at each other, yelling, storming off or telling one another that they're ruining the others life.

In addition the dad won't share financial information with his wife and nitpicks anything she spends. He is also a godawful snob who warns the children that they're turning into 'common little chavs' and calls them losers.

Everyone in the house is wildly unhappy. The older child is having MH problems which school are attempting to tackle but crucially without the information that the children's home life is a horrible angry mess.

Now it should be noted that everybody and I mean everybody in this couple's life has been telling them to split up for literally more than a decade. Nobody thinks they're good for each other and everybody realises how shit it must be to be a child of that marriage.

But neither will. The dad won't leave and the mum is too scared of the loss of money and status in becoming a single parent. Instead what she does is tell everyone in her life how awful her husband is. We get chapter and verse on every bad thing he says or does to her and we are invited to agree that he is horrible. I even wonder if she gets a kind of subconscious gratification out of telling us how awful he is and that we fulfil that by agreeing. (Our whole family is it has to be said enmeshed and fucked up going back aways.)

But nothing changes. She never leaves, she just talks about it. She has insight into the effect that staying with this man has on her children but she won't do anything except complain about her life, cry and then stay with him for another miserable year/decade/lifetime.

In my opinion both parents are very depressed (the dad talks all the time about suicide) but neither takes any steps to address this. The dad is also an alcoholic.

My priority is the children. I am so tired of trying to advocate their need not to be living in a warzone to my relation. She will always agree and nothing ever changes. Suggestions of doing the Freedom Course, or seeing a lawyer, or getting counselling, or moving away, all fall flat. 'Oh but I can't because...'

But they can't just be quietly miserable either. They will spend their days storming around their (elegant middle class) house and calling each other cunts at the top of their voices and saying to the kids 'See? Your mother/father is ruining my life because she wants you to be unhappy!'. It is wretched, manipulative, self-absorbed stuff and I am so so sorry for the kids. To give a typical example one.parent will put a child on the phone to the other and make them relay that parent's anger. Like 'Molly, tell Mummy that she is upsetting you and you need her to stop buying things she doesn't need' or 'Jonathan, tell Daddy that you want him to stop picking on Mummy'.

It's so fucked up.

My question is, if I report the atmosphere of rampant emotional abuse these kids are living in to the NSPCC, will anything happen? Or will somebody just see that the parents are financially comfortable and have a lovely home and professional careers and polite well-dressed children, and look no further?

I don't know what to do.

I'd do it, and I'd tell the kids' school/s too. I'd do it by email and I'd explain to both that you've chosen to stay anonymous because you don't want to be further excluded from the kids' lives when they evidently need stable, supportive adults.

I don't know the answer but I would just call the NSPCC and ask for their advice.

I would hope they would do something, definitely needs reporting.

Do it. You can also contact safeguarding lead at their school, and their school nurse.
id go at it from all angles to make sure it’s dealt with.

Those poor kids, what a horrible way to live and so damaging to them.
You could easily get a new email address and use it to email the school, NSPCC and Social Services if you think necessary.
Emotional abuse is very damaging and I’d be afraid the kids would grow up to reproduce their parents behaviour.

And explain why you feel the need to be anonymous.

Do it if you want to but beware of throwing petrol onto the fire.

Our next-door neighbours at our previous house were on the end of an 'anonymous' referral to SS. He showed me the report from the SS and they described the referee in such great detail, it was obvious who had reported them. It was a malicious referral but it caused great upheaval throughout the family. The people making the referral were cut off from our neighbours and other family members of the 'no smoke without fire' brigade would no longer speak with our neighbours.

Don't count on remaining anonymous if you want any further contact with your relatives.

What’s the desired outcome of telling the NSPCC? Do you think the children should ultimately be removed, or are you hoping that an approach from the NSPCC would shock the parents into either taking steps to improve their toxic relationship, or divorcing?

Yes I'm hoping it will give my relation the impetus she needs to finally leave.

Definitely tell the school and the NSPCC.

I came from a similar background and there was also physical abuse although I doubt anyone cared enough to spot it.

The bits that adults around us did see was the huge domestic rows, the emotional control and coercion and the abject misery of our lives. And no one said or did anything.

My siblings and I longed to go into care.

The marriage has been beyond salvation for a good number of years. Just split up already. You both hate the other.

I think the problem is that they're both stuck in the habit of living a 'nice' materialistic life and can't bear to take the plunge to end that and can't see that even living in a damn shed wearing bin bags would probably be a relief to the kids if it meant they didn't have to listen to their parents screaming slurs at each other every day.

Also op, my parents really enjoyed involving us and everyone around them in the domestic hell.

For years I couldn't work out who was the abuser and who the victim. Turned out they were both abusive and we were the victims

Oh god this really resonates.

I'm sorry you had to live through that.

The only problem is that once officialdom is involved, they dictate what happens and if they want those kids in care, thats what will happen and that will be on you.

Think very carefully about your next move. The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

@IanOsenfrote that will only happen if parents aren’t able to sort themselves out. It sounds like they have already caused the children to suffer significant harm, which may well live with them for the rest of their lives.

@IanOsenfrote sadly the threshold for taking children into care is so high, it is highly unlikely SS will take more than a passing interest.

Also sadly, most people are too concerned with preventing children being taken away from their parents, that very few report the abuse they witness.

Op, I wish I had someone who had cared and been prepared to speak up for me when I was little.

You could also speak to the kids and tell them that if they are ever frightened or want to talk about something, that you are in their side.

From what I saw and read about what happened with our next-door neighbours, that's not true. The allegation made against them could not possibly have been true but the SS took against them and it took just under two years for the neighbours to shake off the SS.

You can stay anonymous with the NSPCC (who will refer it to Children's Services) or if you phone children's services directly then you can ask to stay anonymous and the will not ask your name etc.

A problem sometimes arises where the family can guess who shared the information because it is specific and only certain people know about it.

Obviously, I don't know your situation and I know that bad things can happen in families but according to the paperwork I saw from my neighbour, the SS spent over 100k trying to prove what I think is impossible.

All I know is that the SS threw a grenade into that family on the premise of an anonymous allegation that, even with a cursory glance, could not possibly be true just because the SS didn't approve of whatever it was.

Please do it. I grew up in a family like this and it had massive consequences for my mental health and self esteem. It never stopped. Until I was in my 20s and able to stand up better to my parents and refuse to answer their calls and didn't live with them anymore. I eventually had a breakdown in my mid 20s.

A sharp shock might be what they need. Naice middle class families like to think that social services don't investigate people like them. Only the "chavs" that the husband is so sneering about.

It was my mum that would turn to us kids and say, "you'll come home from school and I'll have done it. You'll find your Dad with an axe in his head." Horrific.

I went through similar as a child .
nobody knew.

My DF was like your mum. I wished he would die so we would be safe. I'm so sorry ..I hope you get the healing you need

Thanks for your advice everyone. I reported it today. I feel very conflicted but neither parent will prioritise the children's emotional health.

Just a slightly depressing update to this thread I'm afraid - nothing has changed. I've reported the abuse to the NSPCC and to the kids' schools and to social services and I've begged my relative to end the relationship or put her children first but the parents remain screamingly aggressive to each other and the house is full of emotional abuse. The children get called fucking losers by their dad and the mum uses them as a emotional crutch and tells them endlessly that she wants to leave but never does. I wish I could make their lives better. But I guess it doesn't meet anybody's threshold for intervening or helping.