Is this an unusual family set up

[Elsie2022]

I immigrated many years ago but my dad in my home country still drives my 26 year old (who works as a doctor) around as well as my mum. When I say drives her around, I mean every single trip, she doesn't have her own car and barely takes public transport/taxis etc. It is normal in my home country to share a car as a car in my home country costs as much as a house in cheaper parts of the UK (not exaggerating), but this effectively means that my dad has control over the day i.e. ok you are meeting your friend, I will pick you up at this time, I am coming at this time. You are done with work, ok I pick you up and we will have dinner! My dad has income from his property investments so he doesn't need to work in the traditional sense so spends his entire day doing this. And when I visit my home country, my DH and I have to follow this set up and I know it sounds very nice to an outsider and I sound ungrateful at having a free chauffeur but basically I can't opt out of it? Every attempt by me to plan to go out by myself (I am 29 years old) is met with objections- why can't I fetch you.... And even when I actually manage to go out by myself, my dad goes like' where are you, when can I pick you up'.

I used to get a hotel room with DH but now I have no excuse as the air conditioning has been fixed. My family home is pretty large and DH and I basically have an entire floor to ourselves. My DH and I are debating getting a hotel the next time we visit on a resort island because it costs money for my dad to drive in so maybe he would do less of that. I do want to visit and see my family but I feel like a 16 year old when I am a married adult with my own home in London. It's great for my sister that she loves living with her family that way, but I am really not used to it after years abroad. My dad even has oversight of her banking, he knows all her login details and that is the same for my mum. He knows how much money she earns/has/does her tax return. He knows every item she buys. My parents give me money without me asking and object when I try to transfer it back.

This isn't the only thing, it's also the constant lectures about my career and DH's career. He kept telling me how much more money I will earn if I moved back home, never mind that I have bought a flat in London 3 years ago so pretty settled here. He stopped doing that when I said, I am not moving home, I wouldn't even come back to my home country if it wasn't for family visits etc etc. And he said, ok you don't care about your career and at least didn't say more about it.

This probably sounds great to many people( having parents who try to manage your life for you and who drive you around and give you money) but I am not 16 anymore. I would rather have less money and be independent (which I am when I am not in my home country) so it is very hard for me to revert back to being 16 when I travel back. Even harder for my DH. Btw i have lived with my in laws before and it's a completely different dynamic, we were just adults sharing a home. MIL never drove me around (no car), have any idea about my finances, or try to influence me in terms of anything. So I know not all parents are like that.also now I come to think about it, my MIL is orthodox Jewish but has never commented on my dressing. My parents and sister went on and on and on about my dress that I was wearing being slightly low cut (it is a bohemian dress with a lower neckline, I can link it if you want). I guess everyone has the right to comment on my dressing, but coming from parents, it feels like I am 16 again and they are ordering me to my room to change (they can't really do that when I am an adult cos obviously I don't bring my whole wardrobe on holiday).

I just want a normal family relationship ...

Go home less often.
For less time.
And definitely stay in a hotel no matter how he / they kick off.
Sounds like they're fairly traditional so maybe get your DH to say that as husband he's in charge of what you do, where you go and transport. (Fighting fire with fire!)

Also my dad makes really weird comments for example, he was showing my DH a family photo that he previously shared with me (and I didn't share it with DH). He told me, you have such separate lives, what do you mean you don't have a shared Google drive. I said, why would I have a shared Google drive with my husband?

My mum and dad share all their emails and apparently it's not normal if you don't.

@Bonheurdupasse that wouldn't work, they suddenly become arch feminist when DH is involved i.e. they are still kicking off about me adding my married name to my passport (it's in brackets so my maiden name is retained).

It makes me think it's about losing control.

I only go home once a year to be fair mostly. It's a very long flight and I stay 2 weeks generally.

And when I stayed at a hotel, it was slightly better but he did try to fetch me back to the hotel and turn up at the hotel.

If you don't like hanging out with your family, you are under no obligation to. Just don't go to visit them unless you want to..?

@anywhichwaytoo I want to hang out with them, just not have my life run by them when I am there. Is this normal when you visit your parents. They will drive you around and try to run every aspect of your day? Can't you visit them as a regular adult?

Some families this is normal. Some families it is not. DH’s family was like this in their home country and it is oppressive and controlling. We haven’t been back in 8 years and none of the siblings plan to, so I guess all it does is push people away eventually. Go every other year and drop your guilt for living a free life.

It’s control.

@Windbeneathmybingowings my guilt? Do you think I feel guilty for having 'escaped'. That's interesting. Would you say this is normal in an Asian culture and I am just more westernised now, so I find it really intrusive? Cos now I am looking up characteristics of tyrannical parents and thinking hmmmm I can identify with that.

Of course when I grew up with it, I found it tough esp as a teenager but I had no idea of what an alternative life was. Also had no ability to lead an independent life at that age.

Hire your own car for the fortnight?

You keep saying that you're not 16, but you are looking at this with 16 year old eyes.
You ARE an independent adult. You DO run your own life and have agency over all aspects ( including your Google drive ☺️). You chose to leave, and so you did, and it sounds like you have built a fantastic life.
Yes, when you go home, your dad wants to treat you the same way as he treats your sister and mum. It's irritating, I'm sure, but is it the end of the world? It is only for a short period of time. Is it worth falling out over?
I think parents sometimes have an adjustment phase when their kids move out, where they don't always recognise that their children are grown. Admittedly, for some parents, this stage is very long. Do you believe he is coming from a place of love and care?
Can you find a compromise? If you stayed there for part of the time, but had a short break on the island too? Or hired a car for a few days?

Can you find a strategy for dealing with the things he says which irritates you? Constantly pushing back against him is a very '16 year old' way of dealing with it, and ultimately you don't need to justify your life. What about employing intent interest? 'Ooh, you guys share a Google drive? Hmm that must be handy'. And then leave it.

The thing is, if you don't see them often, it gets hard to keep the fabric of the relationship strong, especially if you let those things which irritate you become the focus of the relationship. Is it worth letting it come between you?

@AlisonDonut my grandpa used to have a second car before he died and was the subject of many parking wars. It is likely to be worse now that many of my ex neighbours have acquired Porsches and Ferraris and think it's their god given right to park on the road. Our driveway can only accommodate 1 car. If I am in a hotel, it is in a more central area. Plus my home country is half the size of London.

@spotcheck I think for me what is so scary is that I think I would still be living like that if I stayed at home! And it would be normal for me. The fact I am not is an accident. How is it that you can accidentally fall into a life like that?

They don't run every aspect of my life but they do treat me like a teenager. My mother actually said to me recently "I just don't know how to get through to you". I'm in my 30s! I thought maybe a good was of getting g through to me is stop treating me like a 16 year old

I don't talk to them much.

If it’s for two weeks out of the year I would just suck it up. They are probably very pleased to see you and just want to help out/be involved. If you don’t want to get a hotel room or hire a car or get taxis then not sure what other options are available except not to visit at all.

@Trixiefirecracker I got a hotel room and hired taxis and used public transport i.e. the government has made a commitment that you will never be more than half a mile from a tube stop for vast majority of the population, never mind for tourists. Cars are more of a status symbol than an actual need given they often cost the equivalent of £200k. You can get cheaper but not much point as certificate to own a car is already £70k or something like that. It made not much difference, my dad still drove to the hotel or to wherever I was.

@Elsie2022 like I said if you don’t want to put your foot down and find other options you will
just have to deal with it . You seem to be blocking/ignoring all the other suggestions. I think if it’s only for 2 weeks out of the year then it’s not a huge deal.

Where on earth is owning a car costing £70k?

Surely you just say no? If you can't hire a car, just order a taxi. He says he'll drive you, you say, "no thanks, the taxi is coming in 5 minutes." the problem with these sort of family dynamics is that the default is to accept the other person knows more/knows better so it's hard. DH and I have had similar with my sister - she always wants us to all hire a car together or whatever... but then she gets to decide where we go, when we go etc. So now we always just breezily say we'll hire our own car. She thinks we're crazy. We're much happier.

@OnaBegonia I misremembered, it's 70k SGD for the certificate to own a car,! The car is on top of that.but exchange rate is 1.7 SGD for every pound... blog.seedly.sg/factors-cost-car-price-singapore/?amp=1

@OnaBegonia certificate to own a car also only lasts 10 years. Detracts from the point but yes, maybe from my dad's POV, since you paid so much, might as well get full utility from the car..petrol isnt much compared to all of this.

Blimey, which country is this op?

Is your Dads behaviour normal within their country/culture?

So is his car a status symbol? And driving you, your sister, mother around seen as status? ( Friend living in Cyprus years ago, newly married, lining with in laws said she was going g to walk into town. In laws horrified, everyone will think we can’t afford a car, they’ll think we’re peasants. Seemed weird to my friend but it was a big deal for PILs) Maybe that’s how your father thinks.
Its only for a couple of weeks a year, you sound like you have a lovely life here, successful job and so on. I think I’d just put up with it for a couple of weeks. ( tho don’t share your bank log in!)

I knew this would be Singapore before you posted the link.

I would say it is a status and control thing from your father, and a laziness thing from your sibling.

Im not Chinese-Singaporean but have friends who are & some have had difficulties in trying to forge their own independent lives.

Keep to your plans, keep living your life. My friends are used to intrusive parents, but try not to justify things to their parents.

From your OP (car expense, family culture...) I guessed Sg.
The public transport is too good to give in to being controlled by your dad's schedule!
I have to echo what others have said: you are an adult, but it sounds like you're reverting.
I'm afraid you're going to need to just be blunt and brusque: we've booked a hotel, we're taking the mrt...
"I've decided, Dad." is enough - let him run his mouth but simply say 'no need' because trying to argue will only exhaust you and you'll give in.

If it helps, think of it like he is controlling your DH's holiday. Sometimes it's easier to get the fighting spirit if it's for someone else we love.