Is this an unusual family set up

[Elsie2022]

I immigrated many years ago but my dad in my home country still drives my 26 year old (who works as a doctor) around as well as my mum. When I say drives her around, I mean every single trip, she doesn't have her own car and barely takes public transport/taxis etc. It is normal in my home country to share a car as a car in my home country costs as much as a house in cheaper parts of the UK (not exaggerating), but this effectively means that my dad has control over the day i.e. ok you are meeting your friend, I will pick you up at this time, I am coming at this time. You are done with work, ok I pick you up and we will have dinner! My dad has income from his property investments so he doesn't need to work in the traditional sense so spends his entire day doing this. And when I visit my home country, my DH and I have to follow this set up and I know it sounds very nice to an outsider and I sound ungrateful at having a free chauffeur but basically I can't opt out of it? Every attempt by me to plan to go out by myself (I am 29 years old) is met with objections- why can't I fetch you.... And even when I actually manage to go out by myself, my dad goes like' where are you, when can I pick you up'.

I used to get a hotel room with DH but now I have no excuse as the air conditioning has been fixed. My family home is pretty large and DH and I basically have an entire floor to ourselves. My DH and I are debating getting a hotel the next time we visit on a resort island because it costs money for my dad to drive in so maybe he would do less of that. I do want to visit and see my family but I feel like a 16 year old when I am a married adult with my own home in London. It's great for my sister that she loves living with her family that way, but I am really not used to it after years abroad. My dad even has oversight of her banking, he knows all her login details and that is the same for my mum. He knows how much money she earns/has/does her tax return. He knows every item she buys. My parents give me money without me asking and object when I try to transfer it back.

This isn't the only thing, it's also the constant lectures about my career and DH's career. He kept telling me how much more money I will earn if I moved back home, never mind that I have bought a flat in London 3 years ago so pretty settled here. He stopped doing that when I said, I am not moving home, I wouldn't even come back to my home country if it wasn't for family visits etc etc. And he said, ok you don't care about your career and at least didn't say more about it.

This probably sounds great to many people( having parents who try to manage your life for you and who drive you around and give you money) but I am not 16 anymore. I would rather have less money and be independent (which I am when I am not in my home country) so it is very hard for me to revert back to being 16 when I travel back. Even harder for my DH. Btw i have lived with my in laws before and it's a completely different dynamic, we were just adults sharing a home. MIL never drove me around (no car), have any idea about my finances, or try to influence me in terms of anything. So I know not all parents are like that.also now I come to think about it, my MIL is orthodox Jewish but has never commented on my dressing. My parents and sister went on and on and on about my dress that I was wearing being slightly low cut (it is a bohemian dress with a lower neckline, I can link it if you want). I guess everyone has the right to comment on my dressing, but coming from parents, it feels like I am 16 again and they are ordering me to my room to change (they can't really do that when I am an adult cos obviously I don't bring my whole wardrobe on holiday).

I just want a normal family relationship ...

@faggyhagger it can't be a normal thing or there would be few people using public transport! Most people in their 20s I know have parents who have cars or some other close relative.
.it's true everyone lives with family until they marry and buy their subsidized flat from the government (it's like the equivalent of £170k for a 2-3 bed 1000 sq feet flat). You can only buy this flat if you are married or above 34..So people who are unmarried have no choice but to stay with family. My dad was saying that my sister will be buying a private condo in future as she is not married and would be above the income cap by the time she is in her 30s as a doctor. So need to save up for a private condo which is generally the equivalent of a million pounds (and rising!).. I don't know anyone who is locally born and bred and also rent privately.

OP, I think the question you need to be asking is ‘is it usual behaviour within your parents’ culture?’

It obviously isn’t normal in the UK, and in the UK would signal control, infantilisation etc. But in other countries may be more normal.

I can see it is frustrating to you but in worrying about it you seem to be still judging yourself partly by ‘home country’ standards.

If all your family are happy with the way they live, fine. It doesn’t make any of them bad etc.

But you don’t have to live like that. If you can’t stand it for 2 weeks hol, just observing, accepting and smiling, then do what you can do to make it all more enjoyable. Can you and your DH hire a car?

My ILs live in a culture where it is unthinkable that any activity or venture is undertaken without intense family involvement. I went for a walk along the beach once just to get some peace and quiet. Before I knew it I was surrounded by aunties, so concerned that I would be lonely and feel abandoned that they had come to keep me company. Despite us not sharing a language and their own various mobility difficulties, the driving force was that they should help facilitate my walk. I could do nothing but surrender to their kindness and declare my walk over so that we could sit in the shade and take the weight of their corns and bunions, and we taught each other basic vocabulary.

The women don’t swim and I can’t go in the (shallow, wave free) lagoon without FIL patrolling the shore, knee deep in water, shouting warnings and checking that I am ok.

It's partly a cultural thing. My Chinese parents can also be very intrusive and controlling when I visit them, especially to my 'western' eyes (I grew up in the UK). Things like controlling how much paracetamol I take when I have a headache, asking how much I get paid, etc.

I think you have to be firm and politely reject his offers of a lift if it really bothers you. Otherwise, put up with it and visit less. I don't think they will change their behaviours.

Try posting on SAT on fb - you'll get the Singaporean perspective there.

That’s not going to happen unfortunately because this is the ‘normal’ for your family.

I would find that really frustrating too