Adoption Trauma

[BastardChild]

I’m really struggling here. I can’t keep denying the impact of being ripped away at birth. I’m sorry. I’m all over the place at the moment.

Looking for support, trying to be an advocate for others that are part of this mess but without the voice. All of the Roe v Wade stuff and "supply line of children". The pain of others on Twitter, the fact that I can't get therapy and support in the U.K. as Ofsted is in control for adopted children and adults. The trauma is being passed on in my family. I'm frozen to the spot while dirt and chaos pile up around us. Pain, tight chest, nightmares, brain fog. Adoption is trauma. Children as commodity.

@JustBlunderingAlong I think I was clar that I understood that my case and experience was different, I do think it is important to show all sides though. I also said how much I agreed that access to counselling needed to be far greater. I in no way suggested it wasn't traumatising for many people. I think we need to be careful not to demonise adoption itself as a whole though.

This thread has really resonated with me. I was adopted at 2 weeks by a couple who, due to their own childhoods, should not have had children. I found my birth mother over 20 years ago and we have a good relationship, but I have an underlying low level anxiety about losing her again.

I remember an incident when she and I were talking to a woman who had a child at the same time, and about the same age (teens) as my mother. This thoughtless woman opined that no one was going to take her baby away from her and I saw and felt the soul-deep burst of anguish that that comment caused to my mother. It was horrible.

I always worked on the basis that I would tell my adoptive parents that I had found my BM if they ever asked, if they were ever interested enough to inquire. They never did but somehow found out - I suspect my adoptive brother told them, purely due to the large estate that he didn't fancy sharing - and a couple of weeks after my adoptive mother died my father told me he'd never speak to me again. He's been true to his word and I've been cut out of both wills. Ho hum.

I have studied CBT and hypnotherapy so I've done a lot of work on myself but this thread has raised a lot of uncomfortable thoughts for which I'm surprisingly grateful. I can't change the past but I can try to make sense of it.

My heart goes out to all of you - us - who have been voiceless for so long.

This was sent to me today. Heartbreaking for everyone involved. Harriet Harman is a fucking legend:

twitter.com/bbcdkennedy/status/1529744828589916160?s=21&t=9HMq2XquuAjhbiC8YCcHPw

As a fellow adoptee, I hear you, Friend - ADOPTION IS TRAUMA. And to clarify to others - currently Ofsted (yes, the organisation who deals with children - cos adoptees don't grow up of course, doh...) controls which counsellors we can see, Barnardos (the perpetrators of the crime - I.e. an adoption agency, although they claim they don't do adoptions and were never involved in Forced Adoptions..) train adoption counsellors and it is not adoptee focused or action trauma informed and as for those clowns at Adoption UK - wouldn't touch them with a bargepole. They are by adopters, for adopters and don't support adult adoptees. For us adoptees, it's an absolute shit show out here.

Thanks for this. A bit of validation when you're struggling really helps.

Adopters don't want to hear it for the most part unfortunately (until it's too late, usually)

There is a problem with lack of post adoption support for adoptees, especially as adults.

Ofsted gets involved because support should be given by adoption/trauma informed therapists. It is gatekeeping quality of support. However then finding those therapists is difficult. On top of that if some of the trauma isn't related to having needed to be adopted and pre-adoption life experiences then unpicking whether the need is adoption related or not is hard.

so many do not understand the ongoing impact of trauma

I wasn’t adopted but I was taken away and put into care as my step father was extremely violent. I am aware that I most likely would have ended up being killed if not taken away. I am aware that my mother choose her partner over me (and subsequent partners) and has continued to be extremely selfish but the damage was being taken away from my mother

it’s been ongoing sometimes out of the blue it just hits me the fear the wanting just feel loved and looked after like a child is (or should be) I had wonderful grandparents that cared for me and they always made it clear it’s because they wanted to out of love but others let me know I should be grateful

all these messages you pick up on as a child you carry with you, the trauma you carry with you. I have had therapy and that had helped I glad I have been able to access therapy.

For myself the acceptance this is how I feel, this is how it’s impacted me, I’m hurt and will always feel hurt it impacts my choices at times I feel very low at times but not always. Other people feel uncomfortable they want me to be fully over it well I’m not and never will be but I’m ok

@BastardChild as a fellow adoptee I hear you. I recently found my birth family and my adopted family are now not speaking to me, it is a shit show. The grief I feel is unmeasurable. I wish I could go to bed and never get up. Sending you love, without a single fucking clue how to help.

I’m an adoptive mum of two @BastardChild and I agree with what you say here. In general people don’t get it. They tell me how ‘lucky’ my children are and believe, because they went into care at birth, they’ll have suffered no trauma.

The reality is that they’ve suffered massive trauma, not just because of the drugs and alcohol pre birth, but the trauma suffered while in the care system too. The loss of so much in such a short space of time.

There were so many promises of support pre adoption. Theoretically we have access to ££££ of therapy - but in reality it’s almost impossible to get any meaningful support. Post adoption push us to the LA/ EHCP route and the LA push back to post adoption. In the meantime, though no fault of their own, both my children - and is as a family - are struggling massively.

We’ve always been as open as possible with the the children about their background (as much as you can be given they are both autistic and under nine) but I still worry about the impact of the trauma on them longer term. Is there anything you think I can do now to help longer term? Anything I shouldn’t do? I’d really value your insight.

BastardChild - your choice of name on here speaks volumes. I don't know which country you are living in but this facebook support group has helped me loads. Your welcome to message me if you need further help. Any help given on this group to adoptees is given freely with love:https://www.facebook.com/groups/www.familyfootprints.org They also provide some counselling which has a nominal fee.

Rufus - just make sure your children know they are loved is not enough but quite often quoted.

Remain open about discussing their background and support them if they want to find out more when they are older.

One thing that really makes a difference is not being treated any differently by other members of the family (wider family).

Try and reduce the amount of change in their lives. Provide a structure to the day so they know what to expect also helps.

I'd ask on mumsnet whether anyone knows of anyone who specialises in adoption counselling.

Get a copy of The Primal Wound: Understanding the adopted childby Nancy Verrier.

One of my parents is deeply traumatised by their adoption. Their mother was a very young girl who didn't want to give them up so they locked her in another room while my grandparents took him away. They said they could hear her screaming outside as they left. I think about her often but there is no chance of finding her sadly.

They were not a good parent at all. They couldn't bond with me, were abusive and have very serious issues to this day. We don't really have any contact now. Not at all implying that is the case here or that it happens in every case but rather adoption can be deeply traumatising.

I'm so glad you have support around you your posts just scream so much pain

Its so shit and I am sorry I don't have the right words - but keep talking to people around you, and try and be kind to yourself

Sending a hand hold or hug to anyone on the thread who would like that.
Wales have just apologised formally for forced adoptions, following Australia and Scotland’s lead. I’m glad to see it but really hope they are putting in place good support services to back it all up.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-wales-politics-65376803

I understand, OP. And I agree.

I’m meeting a social worker tomorrow to go through my file (adopted 1970s). I actually posted about it a few weeks ago. The social worker rang me on Monday to say that she’d found my file and asked me to meet her at her office tomorrow. So I will get some answers. I’ll still be sad and angry about the whole sorry thing though.

I hope the whole conversation about chuldren being lucky to be 'chosen' and about being 'special ' for being adopted is beginning to change. It is am absolute tragedy that some children can't be raised by their parents and there is still an agenda about rescuing children not taking into account the added trauma of removal. Some times there is no choice and certainly the pendulum swung at one point with adoption being seen as the solution for many children. I'm sorry OP, I hope you can find the support you need.

You're not alone. My adoptive parents (well, father - mother died 3 years ago) took great offence at me finding my birth parents and disinherited me. Their loss; I now have 3 sisters, 2 brothers and masses of nieces, nephews and cousins stretching from Australia to Alaska. I hope your own birth families bring you similar joy.

Is the trauma of being removed from biological parents always greater than growing up with biological relations in traumatic or dangerous circumstances?

I was adopted at birth. Most of the issues that have affected me have come from my dad - and his abusive biological mother, who experienced abuse at the hands of her mother.

He is more traumatized by his upbringing than I am by mine - I'm just trying to minimize the effect on my children.

I've been thinking about you and your appointment. I can't really imagine it in terms of the emotions and feelings involved. Ive also made steps to see my file and so your post resonated with me.

Anyway, I hope you have some good, solid real life support around you 💐

Sending so much love your way.

In my experience and also for a lot of other adoptees that I have spoken to over the years:

• you will experience a wide range of emotions, all of which are ok, and you are right to feel them. Adoption trauma does strange things to the mind when triggered.

• your subconscious (and "inner child") will likely process this information at a different rate and in a different way to "you". Sorry that this all sounds a bit Mumbo-jumbo, but the result is that you may then get hit hard out of the blue in the next days/ weeks as catches up.

• let the grief happen, talk to partner/ friends / children that you might need to hide away and rest up in bed for a period. I can't emphasise this enough, it is a sensory overload.

• you will probably not be able to read the information and take it in as well as with other documents, I don't know why this is, but for me and others we have found common ground in the fact that "new" information appears each time we read it again, even decades later.

• resources for therapy and counselling as you probably know are virtually non existant, but being "out and proud" with trusted people who are there to listen and hear you is the most valuable thing.

DM if you need anything

@SophiaElizabethGrace and the same goes to you.

Thank you so much. I'm very grateful. 💐

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/4776935-contacting-birth-mother-adult-adoptee?latest=1

Thanks for your kind words Op. I have updated my Chat thread - didn’t want to derail this one!