Adoption Trauma

[BastardChild]

I’m really struggling here. I can’t keep denying the impact of being ripped away at birth. I’m sorry. I’m all over the place at the moment.

Looking for support, trying to be an advocate for others that are part of this mess but without the voice. All of the Roe v Wade stuff and "supply line of children". The pain of others on Twitter, the fact that I can't get therapy and support in the U.K. as Ofsted is in control for adopted children and adults. The trauma is being passed on in my family. I'm frozen to the spot while dirt and chaos pile up around us. Pain, tight chest, nightmares, brain fog. Adoption is trauma. Children as commodity.

 sorry @Ted27

@BastardChild

Firstly I am not a man.
I am also fully aware of the role of the role of Ofsted. What I said is factually correct, they are a regulatory body, not a funding body. If therapists don’t want to be registered thats up to them
I am also fully aware of the barriers to gaining for adoptees.
I’m not going to comment any further on this thread as I dont think anything I have to say will be welcomed

I'm sorry, OP. We're still so regressive, not recognising the strength of the bond between mum's and unborn babies- at least, not when it's inconvenient.

I'm so sorry we've not been able to support you better.

Again, my apologies, I shouldn't have responded to you like that.

I’m sorry you are suffering OP. Your voice is so important- I find it distressing when ‘have you thought of adoption’ is trotted out. I think it’s mostly said in a well intended, naive way, but still, it just shows the total lack of understanding of attachment trauma in our society.

It’s not just a case of “therapists not wanting to be registered”. The training necessary is very rarely available, and it is really difficult to access it and get the registration sorted for a therapist in private practice. It’s shit.

@BastardChild

its ok, I can hear your pain and frustration. I am an adoptive mum, I have had my own battles to get support for my son. I have many friends who are in desparate states trying to mget support for their children.

Just coming in to offer support and say I am listening. You are right... and adopted children deserve better support.

Stumbled across your post OP and just want to say it sounds shit and you have every right to be angry. I’m saddened by the barriers you have to getting the support you need.

There used to be a great organisation in the north east I followed on FB. I think it was 'all aboard the trauma train', and a place called 'The Nest', I think.

Established by an adopter who gradually realised the trauma done to her daughter and her daughter's birth mum, and set out to repair it where she could. I'll see if I can remember what it was, and if it's still there. You may find it helpful.

I think it's evolved into this

opennest.org.uk/

"Babies don't know any better''

Along with the other whopper ''Toddlers are resilient''

When people say this, one knows they have no idea as to the depth of anguish a baby or toddler can have , when ripped away from their mother, they have heard their mother's voice in the womb, would have known her aroma, and bam, ripped away to be given to strangers.

@BastardChild
You are far from alone in feeling like this.
One of the very best counsellors I know of {Male} was adopted at birth, and he said it definitely had an impact on him.

If one doesn't know why or how one was adopted, it makes it harder.

It's absolutely natural to be questioning, and to feel ''Lost''.

I hope you come to terms with your pain, and find some answers.

The ''Best'' gift and start any child can have in life is two loving ,supporting parents, from the get go. {My opinion, others may disagree}
Wealth doesn't matter.
Love and security lays a stable foundation.

With adoptions, {anecdotal, just going by own observation} extremely early adoption {days} seems to leave less trauma than being in the 'Care' and fostering system for months.

So sorry to hear of the trauma you are still experiencing or being triggered to experience again. I completely get why you want to rant and I completely believe you about the ofsted thing. It's shit. I'm happy to be your sounding board on here if it helps. I don't have any solutions but it would be pretty patronising of me if I did. It is real. I wonder what you feel would help if anything. I hope you can find it whatever it is and start to heal.

Yes, Amanda Boorman founded it. Her blogs are worth a read.

I've worked in adoption for many years and I wish there was more support for you OP, I'm changing job due to such frustration with the system. Its not ok and I wish you could get the support you need and deserve x

I appreciate that the root cause of your drinking too much is most likely triggered by your adoption, but could you at least receive support for that aspect/effect? Is venting helping you? (It's helpful for some people but not for others)? It sounds like an incredibly frustrating situation, but could you focus on what you can control a bit more (i.e. talking to your Dr about your drinking, or joining support groups/forums?). Have you tried the Calm app too to just try and help with relaxation? Can you write to your MP about the lack of support?

Sorry you are feeling like this, OP. And sorry for your loss of your birth family.

There have been posts by adopted adults on the adoption boards in the past. Quite a few people adopted in the 60s and 70s in the era of closed adoptions have posted.

They echo what you have said about the pressure to be grateful for having been chosen and the complete lack of acknowledgement of the trauma and loss of being separated from the birth family. This is particularly acute for those who subsequently discover that the only reason their birth mothers could not keep them was because they were conceived out of wedlock. And particularly ironic for those who were placed in dysfunctional adoptive families.

There was some talk of setting up an adopted adults board - but I am not sure it came to anything. Many people find “The Primal Wound” by Nancy Verrier helpful until they can access counselling.

Many substance abusers were adopted or have gone through the care system.

Another counsellor I had who had gone through the same said ''You have to learn to be your own parent''.
Taking care of that confused, bereft inner baby/toddler.

It's not easy.

Counselling is almost non existent nowadays, but there used to be some good counsellors with substance abuse charities, ones who had trodden the same path, so really ''Knew'' as opposed to having a purely academic knowledge.

Best wishes, OP.

I’m so sorry OP. This isn’t practical help but if it helps at all in any tiny way to think in terms of a huge injustice towards babies and women very slowly being recognised more formally, the Joint Committee on Human Rights is looking pre-1976 adoption on the grounds of illegitimacy in the UK.

committees.parliament.uk/committee/93/human-rights-joint-committee/news/157722/new-inquiry-the-right-to-family-life-adoption-of-children-of-unmarried-women-19491976/

You said that you are in your 50s, so I thought I’d mention it. They will be publishing lots of personal accounts which may or may not be something it would be helpful to read in the future.

I hope that there is finally, belatedly, a growing recognition of the trauma for babies, children and women around adoption as it was done. I hope that this recognition will create increasing pressure for specialised support for all people affected, in whatever adoption situation. I hope things will start to feel better for you soon.

I'm 40 and was "relinquished" to be adopted at 9 months in 1982. Everything you have written here matches exactly how I feel about my own experience. I am glad you have written here, when I hear other adoptees explain the pain and rage it causes I can relate to my own pain and rage, it becomes real and I am able to validate it. My life is spent pretending to be someone I'm not, to fit in to someone else's narrative. I have a partner who understands and encourages me to recover. I think it will take my lifetime to recover. Thankyou for sharing and I hope you find peace. 💐

My heart sank when I read your post, I'm so angry for you.

I'm a birth mother, not by choice, it was a forced adoption. The general attitude toward and the stigma surrounding birth mothers absolutely stinks to be honest.

When I have spoken about my birth child on here I have received such heartless and cutting responses, so I am heartened to see you are getting a better reception.

Voices like yours are so important and need to be heard. I hate how adoptees are told they should be grateful, thankful. THEY DO NOT.

Adoption is trauma, you are absolutely correct OP.

To the wider society: I just want to say I know you don't care about birth mums but can you please listen to people like the OP, validate their feelings and lived experiences and stop trumpeting adoption as this amazing thing and often the first port of call when somebody is young/vulnerable/disadvantaged/needing support.

Many of the children being adopted needn't be.

"Risk of future emotional harm" is the biggest load of bollocks, the crystal ball method.

OP - I wish more than anything that you are able to access some proper support and find peace, that's the very least you deserve.

Hi OP. You are not alone.

Please get a tiktok account and follow @karpoozy

Binge watch all her videos.
What you are feeling is what she discusses. She also links to others who also advocate for adoptees and the trauma that occurs from being removed from their mother.

Especially surrounding adopters and other people speaking over adoptees and trying to downplay the trauma

Fucking hell, the counseling situation is really shit.

I don't think most people have a clue about the effects on baby/child. It's sold as something lovely and yes "isn't baby lucky".

It’s awful and tragic. My marriage was destroyed by the damage of adoption and my heart breaks for those affected by the trauma of being separated at birth from your mother or indeed your baby. It truly goes against nature and is so underestimated and denied and it’s so very very sad.

I am shocked as i am a qualified counsellor and completely unaware of the OFSTED issue- is it just england? I’m in the UK but not England…I worked with adoptees before and never knew the regulation stuff.

So does that mean that if I, as an adopted person in their 40s, wanted counselling to deal with my binge eating that I need someone OFSTED registered in case my adoption comes up?
Or is it only if I want counselling to specifically deal with my adoption issues?